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Rebaptism of the sinner, Floyd.
Being baptized a second time brings about a great deal of mixed feelings. I have carefully considered this move for around 3 years now and have talked myself in and out of the idea several times. But I could never shake the quiet, growing conviction down inside of me.
I have watched with deep interest over the last couple years as different long-time members have chosen to be rebaptized. While I did not understand their motives or circumstances, I sensed that I was seeing a movement of the Spirit among us. I do not want to resist the convictions of the Spirit in my own life, though I do not want to be impulsive either.
So I decided to face these feelings squarely and examine them. Some have advised me that my first baptism was good enough and that the ordinance of humility is the same as rebaptism. That understanding may be satisfactory for some, but did not quiet the conviction in my own heart. As I looked back and thought on my first baptism I realized that it was, in actuality, only a rite of passage to get me into the church, to join the culture group that I grew up with, to do what my friends were doing. I realized that my motives had nothing to do with a relationship with a living Jesus as a personal friend or Saviour. I knew little about salvation except the rote answers I memorized to earn my baptismal certificate. I spent years living in this Adventist religious system before I began to sense Jesus trying to reveal to me the incredible, nearly unbelievable, exciting truth that God is the opposite of what I have always thought Him to be. I have always been secretly very afraid of Him, and have stuggled to be good enough to feel loved and accepted. In my mind the religious words 'hope', 'joy', 'love', and even mercy and kindness never seemed to make sense. When people insisted that Christians were full of joy it seemed like a bad joke to me, a mockery of my own feelings. At best it seemed a wistful hope.
This is not to say that God has not led in my life over the years, sometimes in marked ways. But I understood little to nothing of a saving, interactive relationship with Him and a total dependance on the merits of Jesus until about 2 or 3 years ago. As the Holy Spirit coordinated His conspiracy of love through books, sermons, and other experiences in my life, I began to learn about the power of trusting in the merits of Jesus' life and death for my salvation and not in anything I could do. In so doing I started to experience the release and peace that comes from that trust.
As I understand it, baptism should be a confession in public of one's inability to change himself and a declaration of trust in the transforming grace and power of God working in and through that person. I have come to realize that all of my goodness and piety is not only worthless, but even worse it can prevent God from displaying His character in me. On the other hand, all of my sin, my evil desires and cravings do not keep Him from loving me. I am learning the amazing lesson that God is not out to "get me" but is constantly scheming ways to reveal His generosity and beauty to me in ways that I will understand and accept. And as I accept His love and spend time becoming intimately familiar with Him my capacity to know and experience His power and presence increases. What I am saying is simply that my view and perception of God is shifting from a negative one to a positive view of hope and mutual trust.
As I made final arrangements for the day of my rebaptism I began to feel waves of fear sweep over me. The obvious cause could be what people will think about me. Some will wonder what terrible secret sin I have done to need rebaptism. Others will think that I now consider myself righteous enough to be baptized and will carefully analyze my future behavior with a critical eye. Will I be different after this? Will I suddenly be a perfect Dad, husband, friend? Rather unlikely! My decision for baptism, like my emerging understanding of salvation, is not based on my perfection but on the realization of my desperate lack of it! Baptism represents death --- and I am afraid to die. I am also very aware that I am not worthy of resurrection. But I felt that the time had come for 'another' death in the family.
It is because of my recent discovery of Jesus as an intimate friend, a complete Saviour and also my growing realization of my own great sinfulness that I came here to die. And after this I must keep on dying -- every day. I felt the need to publicly die so that the external resurrection power of Jesus may publicly live through me.
It was brought sharply to my mind the previous week this concept of death and life when we read the responsive reading from Romans led by Pastor Steve. I remember the deep impression made on me some months ago when brother Kis pointed out this text to me in a personal discussion about living the Christian life. As the responsive reading quoted Romans; "Because Jesus died, sin has no power over him; and now He lives His life in fellowship with God. In the same way you are to think of yourselves as dead, so far as sin is concerned, but living in fellowship with God through Christ Jesus". He explained that I must pretend something that is not yet a reality so that it can be a reality. A Christian chooses to 'consider' himself dead to sin and alive to God and in so doing it becomes a reality by the grace of God.
I now choose to focus my efforts on knowing Him as deeply and intimately as possible and leaving the external results in my life to be worked out by Him. I want God to make me an efficient channel of hope, joy and love to others suffering under the lies of Satan after years of knowing nothing about them myself. Those words that were once only religious jargon - 'hope' - 'joy' - 'love' - I now have begun to experience in reality. Now I want to spend time resting in His lap, leaning against His shoulder with His arm around me, and even to sometimes shout and sing spontaneous praise because of His love and mercy to me.
Let the Spirit chalk up another one for the Lord's side!
I want to acknowledge certain people who have had and continue to have a strong influence in my spiritual growth, maybe much to their surprise. One is my brother-in-law, Karl Mehner who has shared with me many times on a deeper level than most care to do. Bob and Ruth Zollinger were my spiritual parents during my teen years and continue to be a wonderful source of inspiration and strength. Another friend is Mike Weaver who has chosen to ask me to join him in our search for answers together over the last couple years. I want to thank Dr. Kis for his practical, real-world approach to the life of the spirit. I admire him for his deep spiritual wisdom while at the same time showing genuine and open friendship. I am somewhat jealous of his students who get to interact with him much more than I.
Most of all I want to thank the living Lord Jesus who has been patiently trying to get my attention by many means and for so many years to change my fears into joy, my doubts into assurance, my anger into trust. I can't wait to see Him in person and spend all my time with Him enjoying the thrills of eternity when I can praise Him with total abandon. Even so, come Lord Jesus!
