More on Living as a Butterfly

Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. Do this, knowing the time, that it is already the hour for you to awaken from sleep; for now salvation is nearer to us than when we believed. (Romans 13:10-11)

Not long ago I wrote a piece about wanting to become a Butterfly. Not literally, you understand, but in many other respects. God has embedded within the many things of nature powerful lessons that can illustrate spiritual truths for us that can be revealed to us by the Spirit who was involved in the original Creation of both nature and our own minds and hearts. Very often things in nature can better unveil deep emotional and spiritual truths and facts much easier than the difficult exercise of translating them into the symbols we call words and language.

This issue of letting go of resistance is very often on my mind since it has been brought to my attention over the past few months in my study of Romans 13. One reason I wrote the piece about the Butterfly was directly related to this very thing. Butterflies are almost the perfect demonstration of living a glorious life and beauty and freedom while exercising an amazingly low amount of resistance to the environment in which they fly. And yet they can travel thousands of miles across land and sea to arrive at very precise destinations which they have never even been to before.

It also occurred to me this morning that a very great percentage of a Butterfly's noticeable makeup is constituted of the beautifully decorated wings designed to utilize the sunlight to dispense loveliness and beauty wherever they go. Their bodies sink into near insignificance to our attention in comparison to the beauty of their wings. This is in contrast to most other insects that have no such large displays of extravagant beauty. It really appears that the main purpose of Butterflies may be to dispense beauty primarily – and maybe in more ways than we thought.

As I reread the above text this morning it came to me that the very process that creates the beautiful Butterfly – metamorphosis – is strikingly parallel to what I read here in this verse as well as in 12:2. And it is also very closely linked with the verses before it which talk about not resisting and being filled with genuine love. What verse eleven seems to be saying is that it is time for me to be born again and emerge from the cocoon of metamorphosis into a totally new creation that doesn't even resemble the body (my internal perception of my identity) and surroundings (the emotional and spiritual atmosphere in which I function) that I have been so familiar with all of my life. And if this parallel is true – and I believe it is – then salvation itself must be something descriptive of beauty and joy and freedom and intimate interaction with the breezes of the Holy Spirit that Jesus talked about in John three.

I suppose that there may be instances where Butterflies may cause damage somewhere, but I am not aware of them. But given the pervasive nature of the effects of sin in this world that is certainly possible. But in most respects I believe that Butterflies live to dispense beauty and inspire gratitude and praise on the part of all who are capable and willing to engage in and be blessed by this exercise.

Along the same line of thinking, verse ten says that Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. This is clearly an indication that the law, far from being done away with or ignored in the life of a true, converted, born-again Christian – the law will be the internal structure now implanted in the heart that has become so much a part of the natural thinking and reactions of a person that that person's life will reflect the light of God's love in unique and startling, even dazzling ways that will enrich the lives of all who are blessed by their influence.

Just as a Butterfly is not generally known for any damage they cause or even being a nuisance, the life of the true, transformed Christian full of real love will never do any wrong to others. And never doing any wrong to others is another way of saying they are perfectly in agreement and alignment with the Law of God. They will not be found dissing the law or complaining about talk of the law or feeling threatened by the law. But like David expressed so many times in the Psalms and particularly Psalm 119, they will love God's laws and guidelines and descriptions of the principles which govern all of His interactions with others.

I was again reminded this morning as I meditated on these thoughts of the passage that I received as something of a prophecy of my future a few years ago. And the spirit of the Lord will come on you with power, and you will be acting like a prophet with them, and will be changed into another man. And when these signs come to you, see that you take the chance which is offered you; for God is with you. (1 Samuel 10:6-7 BBE) You will be changed into another man. That sounds an awful lot like what happens to a caterpillar when it is changed into a beautiful Butterfly.

And the last part of that passage also reminds me of the close interactions that Butterflies have with the wind and the words of Jesus to Nicodemus. "The wind blows where it wishes and you hear the sound of it, but do not know where it comes from and where it is going; so is everyone who is born of the Spirit." (John 3:8) Doesn't that sound strikingly similar to the flight of a Butterfly?

But as most people know that have ever learned much about the process of metamorphosis necessary to transform caterpillars into butterflies, the creature itself cannot bring about this amazing transformation. It simply cooperates with the impulses that God implanted into it and then rests quietly and safely inside the cocoon while the power of God mysteriously does its work of total transformation until the day it is ready to emerge in glorious and surprising beauty to live a completely different life.

When you are still living in a cocoon it is very hard to see what is going on in your own transformation process. I feel like I have been in the form of a caterpillar or in a cocoon for most of my life, but all I can do is rest and trust in the transformational work of the Spirit in my life until the day it becomes more obvious that I can learn to really fly. And when that happens I am also certain that the beauty of God's light and love will be so much more clear than it ever has been in my life that it may well be breath-taking – especially to me. But that beauty will not occur because of anything I have accomplished but because God has created yet another new creature, a wonderful experiment of grace to be a glorious reflector of part of His own beauty to attract others to Him with the loveliness that originates in His own heart.

Another thought that was brought to my attention this morning was again about this issue of resistance. I have been praying for some time now for God to remove all resistance from my heart, and I still feel that is very much needed. But in my cursory look through the Bible on the subject of resistance I noticed that a few times we are instructed to resist – but only against the devil himself.

I find this a bit curious and have wondered what this really means. I am specifically instructed not to resist an evil person (Matt. 5:39) while at the same time told that I must resist the devil (James 4:7). I have had a number of discussions about this with others and realized today that I need to pray to be full of resistance to Satan and all his suggestions while at the same time totally devoid of resistance to God and even to the evil that comes my way from others. This is all part of the alignment process very necessary to get me prepared to encounter the power and presence of God safely. Most Christians claim to desire to encounter His presence but they very often fail to see the enormous danger inherent in such a request. I will have to meditate and listen for more on this topic as the Spirit unpacks it more thoroughly for me.

I Want to be a Butterfly

God has given us many, many illustrations of the principles of true reality within nature. When guided by the Spirit of the One who created everything we can glimpse very helpful insights into truths that have escaped our notice or been obscured by the deceptions we have lived under all of our lives.

As I have been contemplating the idea of the importance of letting go of all resistance over the past few days (from my study of Romans thirteen), I was led to think of the example of the Butterfly. The dramatic change that is seen in the formation of a Butterfly after living most of its life as a lowly caterpillar has often been used as an illustration of the new birth experience that is needed in order to truly enter the kingdom of heaven. But I noticed that the way a Butterfly interacts with its environment is also descriptive of how a true Christian will live in many respects.

A Butterfly has a very important relationship and dependence on the sun. After it emerges from its cocoon it waits while its wings dry out and fill out in the warm sunlight. The sunlight highlights the striking and unique beauty of the Butterfly wings and are also examples of the loveliness that can be seen in the life of a person who is reflecting the true light of God's beauty.

Then as the Butterfly takes to the air, it does not surge into the sky with powerful wings like a hawk seeking out its prey but it simply lets the gentle breezes carry it along while guiding itself through those breezes to seek for the sweet nourishment from the beautiful flowers that God has provided for it to feed on. It does not seek out the rottenness and garbage like the flies commonly do but looks for the sweet and the beautiful.

I am reminded of the words of Jesus when speaking of the new birth experience. "The wind blows where it wishes and you hear the sound of it, but do not know where it comes from and where it is going; so is everyone who is born of the Spirit." (John 3:8) A person who has been transformed and reborn by the miracle-working power of the Holy Spirit at the heart level will live as a gentle, beautiful Butterfly carried along by the breezes of the Spirit as they seek out the loveliness of Creation that God has given to cause us to thrive.

That is the kind of life I hunger for and that I sense God has been preparing me for in the many lessons that He is seeking to teach me. I think back over several of the important points that He has been instructing me on in the past few months and years and notice the pattern that is preparing me to live this kind of life.

He has warned me of the dangers of criticism and fault-finding and the destructive effects that it has not only on my own heart but on my influence on many around me. This problem is very deep-seated and is even generationally rooted in my past, but God wants me to become free of it so that I can become a more useful agent of blessing and truth in my sphere of influence.

He has worked to help me focus more on the goodness of God and the positive blessings all around me in direct contrast to the negative perceptions that I have had most of my life. I insisted that I was simply being realistic, but I have come to realize that what I believed was realistic evaluations of circumstances were actually endorsements of the enemy's spin on what is real in contrast with God's declarations of what makes up true reality. My dark views of God were due to the lies about Him that Satan has implanted in all of us to keep us from discovering the life-changing transformation that we could enjoy if we would simply believe in God's kindness and true attitudes toward us.

God took me on a two month intensive study of Hebrews twelve to focus on my deep roots of bitterness and carefully search out from His Word some of the causes of them and the ways in which I can become free of them if I allow the Spirit to have its way in my heart. Soon after that and more recently I plunged into a very uncomfortable study of Romans thirteen as I was forced to face some of the most volatile roots of bitterness and rebellion that are like tap-roots in my heart implanted there at a very early age by negative experiences with authority.

As I have opened myself up to the searching and convicting presence of the Spirit of God during this study, I have begun to see that resistance itself is possibly the most important part of the problem that is exposed by my problems with authority. But the issue of resistance is not confined to just confrontations with authority, but it may be most easily exposed under those circumstances. In contrast, Paul immediately presents the antidote to resolve this root of resistance which is the softening effects of true love working in the heart. Genuine love at the heart level puts me into proper relationship with everyone else and produces the result of aligning me perfectly with the requirements of the Law of God. But that love only comes from the Source of all love and is not something I can work up myself.

As I think about the flight of a Butterfly, one of the most obvious aspects of it is it's lack of resistance to the breezes that carry it from flower to flower. Even in the migration patterns that carry them for thousands of miles to places they have never personally seen before to join millions of other Butterflies for a giant love festival, they do not fight the winds but allow the breezes to assist them and guide them to their destiny. And as they are carried along they enjoy the blessings of beauty and sweetness provided for them as they also reflect the striking beauty of the gifts God has written all over their wings.

God reminded me of the destiny that He has spoken for my own life and how this example of the Butterfly fits so well with it. And the spirit of the Lord will come on you with power, and you will be acting like a prophet with them, and will be changed into another man. And when these signs come to you, see that you take the chance which is offered you; for God is with you. (1 Samuel 10:6-7 BBE) Another version puts the last verse this way. Now when these signs meet you, do whatever you see fit to do, for God is with you. (1 Samuel 10:7 NRSV)

That reminds me of the glorious freedom of the life of the fragile Butterfly that lives in perfect harmony with the provisions that God has given for it and that spreads blessing wherever it goes. Yes it is very vulnerable, but it trusts implicitly in the provisions of its Creator and lives a life that exemplifies perfect freedom and joy. It is carried around seeking out and sharing the beauties of nature on the warm breezes just as God wants me to do likewise trusting in His Spirit and living out a similar life of freedom and joy.

I crave the experience of the Butterfly that God has planned for me. I want to become free of all resistance and trust in the wind that blows me where It wishes. I want my life to be more full of beauty and attractiveness to inspire others who are still crawling around on the ground to allow God to take them through the metamorphosis needed to transform their lives into the wonderful freedom of Christ that He desires for all of us. I desire to be changed into another man so that as I live from my heart that the natural impulses that flow from it will be those that reflect the beauty and loveliness of heaven and the very heart of my heavenly Father.

Once again I find myself waiting for the Spirit to do its work in me today. I cannot change myself but I can and do choose to let go of my resistance and trust in the kindness and faithfulness of my God. I choose to accept His lessons and corrections and pray that God will finish to completion the work that He has begun in me. I feel like I am still wrapped tightly in a cocoon but I have to wait for His timing to accomplish His purposes in me.

I want my loving Father to make me a clean channel of love and light to others who are longing for something better themselves. I want to be a reliable friend of the Bridegroom to interact with those He is seeking to attract to His love nest so that He can ravish them with His attentions and comfort and lavish love. God, make me an instrument of Your peace and grace and loveliness today for Your name's sake.

Hey little butterfly, where'd you come from? Dancin' in the meadow playing in the sun! Hoverin' over flowers in the warm summer breeze Silently making music with your wings as they tease. Flitting high, flitting low, through the garden gates you go Until the perfect flower comes to make your day in the sun Free to linger, free to fly, Free to mingle with the sky, never showing you are shy Just free to be a butterfly! Hey little child, what do you know? Before I could be free, I had to learn to grow..... - By Licia Chenoweth

The Witness of Jacob

I want to finish relaying the experience that happened to me yesterday and that continues today that I partially wrote about in Jacob's False god. Some of these experiences take too long to relay in one posting and so I decided to break this up for the sake of attention span.

Over the past few years I have realized that I can identify with Jacob to a great degree. My false pictures of God are much like his and the strained relationship he had with his dad for most of his life strikingly parallels my own story. I just realized that Jacob's reunion with his dad after his reconciliation with Esau could have possibly been much like my own breakthrough with my dad near the end of his life. And my struggle to find identity, value and respect is very similar to Jacob's story.

Yesterday I felt God speaking to me as I meditated on Isaiah 43. I chose to be very honest about my internal emotions, reactions and resistance and so I stopped and confronted God with my dilemma. I had just read the words, Since you are precious in My sight, since you are honored and I love you.... (Isaiah 43:4) Wait a minute! I really want to believe that this is how God feels about me, but my gut level feelings always argue against it. Somehow I struggle to sense that this is really how God thinks about me even though my mind can acknowledge that it is theologically true. I can accept that He thinks that way about others, but not about me.

I decided to face these reservations head-on and confess them as unbelief. I have heard that it is important to confess unbelief if one wants to become free from it and I certainly want to be free. So I presented these feelings and beliefs to God and asked Him to remove my unbelief while affirming my desire to believe and trust in His words to me. I want my heart to believe what God wants to say about me, not just my head. I realize that I am still wrestling like Jacob with my false picture of God that still holds me hostage in too many ways.

What I began to sense was the Spirit saying that my resistance to God's blessing and words in my life is not my true identity – that is not who I really am even though that is what is most familiar to me. That identity is coming from my sinful flesh that has masqueraded all my life as being my real identity and has been reinforced by the opinions of others. That is one reason it is so important for me to crucify my flesh, the part inside of my head that always sabotages what the Spirit of God is trying to do and reveal about both myself and about God. Ultimately, either the incarnated Christ living inside of me will be crucified by my doubting, unbelieving flesh or my flesh and its opinions and unbelief will be crucified. They are mortal enemies and cannot live together at all.

This brought to my attention another phrase that has baffled me for many years. When He had called the people to Himself, with His disciples also, He said to them, "Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me." (Mark 8:34 NKJV) I have often wondered what was really meant by this idea of taking up a cross and following Jesus. I have had no shortage of people in my life eager to expostulate on what they thought it meant, but their explanations usually involved reinforcement of performance-based religion and I cannot accept that in light of the real gospel. So I continue to remain open to the real meaning of this phrase.

Someone once explained that the concept here of denying one's self is a direct parallel to the description of Peter denying that he knew Jesus three times during His trial. This would mean that Jesus is asking me to deny that I know myself just like Peter denied that he knew Jesus – vehemently and passionately. In light of the exposure of my counterfeit identity being such a problem in my life, it begins to sound like a really good idea to deny that image as my true identity and discover the real identity that God sees in me even though it may be very unfamiliar to me.

But what about taking up my cross? That is the part that has been even more baffling most of my life. But again, with my increased realization of the problems that my flesh produces in thwarting the progress of God's Spirit in my heart, taking up my cross might just be parallel to Paul's talk of crucifying the flesh and his need to die daily to self. I want to have my flesh and its lies dead so that the resurrected life of the Son of God can be fully manifest in my life and my true identity can thrive and blossom. If that is the real meaning of Jesus' words then they make a lot more sense to me now.

It is only as my flesh is daily crucified that I will be able to have the freedom to follow Jesus in His example of how to live in total abandon to and harmony with God. My heart is a battlefield between my false feelings about God and the truth that the Spirit is always trying to impress on me. To receive truth I must be willing to deny and crucify my resistance to that truth and label it correctly as not coming from the true heart that God has implanted in me. That is not my identity no matter what I feel or what anyone else claims against me. My true identity and value is what the One who created me says about me and I have to choose to accept it on the reliability of His integrity alone.

As I read on further in the chapter I was suddenly confronted with the revelation that God saw my struggle with this false identity. The description from verses eight and nine are of those who view God through their own perceptions and confused ideas instead of believing what He says about His feelings toward them.

Bring out the people who are blind, even though they have eyes, and the deaf, even though they have ears. All the nations have gathered together so that the peoples may be assembled. Who among them can declare this and proclaim to us the former things? Let them present their witnesses that they may be justified, or let them hear and say, "It is true." (Isaiah 43:8-9)

What I heard in my spirit was that this is a description of those who attempt to justify their opinions about God instead of listening to and believing the true witnesses of God as noted in the last phrase. These are those who insist that their distorted views of God are the right ones, but God sees these people as blind even though they have eyes and deaf even though they have functional ears. It doesn't even matter if the whole world believes these things about God; that does not make them any more true. The only reliable truth about God is what He declares. Why should we try to argue that our opinions about how God feels about us are more accurate than what He says about Himself? Do I really think I know God's feelings and attitudes better than He does?

God turns it around in this passage and puts the focus back on me. Let them hear and say, "It is true." "You are My witnesses," declares the LORD, "and My servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe Me and understand that I am He. Before Me there was no God formed, and there will be none after Me. I, even I, am the LORD, and there is no savior besides Me. It is I who have declared and saved and proclaimed, and there was no strange god among you; so you are My witnesses," declares the LORD, "and I am God. Even from eternity I am He, and there is none who can deliver out of My hand; I act and who can reverse it?" (Isaiah 43:9-13)

As I looked over this chapter more carefully I began to realize that this passage is God's declarations about the correct perception of identities, both His and ours. All through this chapter and the surrounding passages God is revealing His passionate heart for His children. What is interesting is the reference in the very first verse to both Jacob and Israel – both names for the very same person. When God looks at me He sees me through heaven's eyes no matter how I perceive myself. But what He deeply desires is that I will accept the truth about Him so that I can more fully accept the truth about myself as declared by Him. The biggest problem I have in accepting my true identity is my confusion about the true identity of God. But the more I learn in my heart the truth about God and all His wonderful attributes, the easier it becomes for my heart to believe what He says about me.

But what does it say? "THE WORD IS NEAR YOU, in your mouth and in your heart" – that is, the word of faith which we are preaching, that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. (Romans 10:8-9)

God told me that what I am to believe in my heart is the true identities of both Him and myself as revealed in the example and victory of Jesus. Because Jesus has accepted the invitation to live inside of me, then my real identity is going to look strikingly like His.

So what about all the dysfunction that I still find in my life? How can that be denied as being a part of my identity?

God reminded me that the condition of my spirit is something completely separate from my identity and the value of my heart in heaven's eyes. God is not playing a game of amnesia with my faults and sins when I am hidden in Christ. He is actually working from the inside to dissolve all of those problems by transforming me into His image His way. When transformation takes place from the inside instead of focusing on the externals, the results are far more permanent and lasting – eternally lasting in fact.

So when I see the same problems that others see in me, I do not have to go into denial and pretend they don't exist in my life. But I do need to firmly reject all attempts to associate those problems and faults with my identity, value and real self. I cannot control what others think, but I am very responsible for what I allow myself to believe about my heart. Those are all parts of the counterfeit identity straining to assert itself and project itself as the real me while discounting the other self being formed from the image of Christ within. It is a very real and intense battle but I need to keep close to the Spirit and the Word to keep the growth alive and thriving.

Like Jacob, I crave a personal encounter with the God who wants to give me a deep embrace and impart the blessing I crave so intensely. I'm afraid that, like Jacob I may end up fighting Him for awhile because of my past false opinions about Him, but I am so thankful that God did not allow Jacob to lose the fight. God actually declares that Jacob was the winner of a wrestling match with the Almighty. But he did receive a new name out of the ordeal and that is the badge of his real identity. That is absolutely incredulous. And I believe He is eager to do the same with everyone willing to have an encounter with Him in desperation and honesty.

The nations will see your righteousness, and all kings your glory; you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will bestow. (Isaiah 62:2 NIV)

He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it. (Revelation 2:17 NIV)

Him who overcomes I will make a pillar in the temple of my God. Never again will he leave it. I will write on him the name of my God and the name of the city of my God, the new Jerusalem, which is coming down out of heaven from my God; and I will also write on him my new name. (Revelation 3:12 NIV)

God, whether I end up fighting You or not, please come and bless me. Impart to me my new name that You have promised to reveal. My concept of what it means to be an overcomer in light of Jacob's encounter with You is so encouraging. My heart craves to know my real identity and to feel honored and loved by You. I ask you to increase my faith and give me a believing heart to allow Your feelings about me to be internalized, experienced and lived out as a true witness for You. Let me hear the testimony of the True Witness and then say, “It is true!”

Jacob's False god

I read Isaiah 43 this morning listening for what God wanted to tell me. But as I read I noted that there was the familiar resistance embedded in my heart to really believing that these words apply to me personally. I want to believe them but I have to be honest and admit that there is yet a lot of unbelief inside of me discounting many things God wants to implant deep into my heart.

God is trying to answer my prayers to know my true identity. But then when He says things to show me my true identity I feel unable to receive them fully. That is what is going on as I read this chapter. It reminds me very much of Jacob (mentioned at the beginning of this chapter) who spent a great deal of his life grasping for a sense of value, desiring to be respected and loved but usually going about it the wrong way and ending up in deep relational troubles.

The poor guy – he started out with this reputation from before he was even born. He was found to be fighting with his brother inside of Rebekah's womb. His mother couldn't understand what all the commotion was about so she went to God and asked Him what was going on inside. God shared with her some insights as to the future relationships between her two sons as well as their future descendants. Unfortunately later on both her and Isaac allowed their personal preferences to aggravate the situation and caused a great deal of grief and pain for their whole family.

When Jacob was born he was still having it out with his brother. The Bible says that as Esau was being born Jacob was hanging on tightly to his ankle. He wouldn't even stop struggling long enough to allow his brother be born normally. The tension continued for the rest of their lives and can even be seen yet today in their descendants.

The name Jacob means supplanter and deceiver. How would I like to have a name like that? Talk about a weight to carry around emotionally all your life. With a name and reputation like that it is real hard to feel a sense of positive identity, of being valued by the family or by God. Jacob seemed to have the odds stacked against him from the very get-go and the story of his life demonstrates his life-long struggle to overcome this disadvantage.

But even though Jacob lived many years under the curse of a negative sense of identity, God had implanted a desire in his heart that he pursued, a desire to overcome this curse and discover something better for himself, his real destiny. To the outside world it appeared that he was messing up repeatedly and simply demonstrating the truth of his negative identity embedded in his name. But if one could see inside his heart, even past what he himself could see most of the time, it would be seen that he was really in pursuit of His parent's God and his Creator. What he craved was to replace this false sense of identity with the real truth about himself as seen from God's view. He wanted to feel respected, loved and valued instead of being a person who had to fight with others all the time to get what he needed.

Every time Jacob came to a crisis of identity he tried to figure it out for himself. Many times he resorted to sheer deception, which really was one of his supposed “natural” attributes ingrained in his flesh. Sometimes he would try religion and ask God to help him be successful. He would strike deals, try harder, get mad and be take advantage of. But all through the story one can sense a longing emanating from deep within for fulfillment and a better identity.

But it always appeared that the deck was somehow stacked against him. While his brother seemed to enjoy a wild sense of freedom and could seemingly do anything he set his mind to with abandon, Jacob's life seemed to be one comic tragedy after another. The harder he tried to make things work out right for him the worse things seemed to get in many ways. And always on the inside he was struggling to understand and make sense out of his distorted picture of God.

Why was it that his father could seemingly have such a straightforward, simple, confident relationship with his God while Jacob seemed to bumble from one crazy experience to the next? And while his brother could hardly care less about God while Jacob had an unusually sensitive heart that attracted the sympathy of his mother, his father Isaac always seemed to favor Esau over Jacob. This only added to the confusion in his heart. Isaac seemed enthralled with the wild spirit and adventurous escapades of his reckless and irreligious brother Esau while Jacob increasingly yearned for the blessing of his father that he so much needed but seemed so far away. And all of this in the face of the prophecy given to his mother before their birth that the older would serve the younger. That only seemed to add fuel to the fire.

Jacob inherently knew that he needed a blessing from his dad like every man needs it. He felt shamed and worthless when compared to the bold and macho accomplishments of his obviously masculine, tough brother. How much worse could a person feel? His brother only aggravated the tension by playing up their differences and basking in the favors of their father. Jacob became jealous, fearful and desperate and his mother shared to much in his perspective. As the years of his youth passed, Jacob felt the pain of rejection and fear and worthlessness deepen. He turned to his growing skills of manipulation, enhanced by the shared feelings of his mother who allowed her sympathy for him to separate her somewhat from her husband. The family became divided and the tensions continued to mount. But inside his heart Jacob yearned ever more intensely for that coveted blessing that would impart to him a valuable identity, and he yearned for it with a passionate hunger as intense as the instinct for life itself.

Jacob spent most of his life striving, working, manipulating, cutting deals in his attempt to find his real identity. But time after time, relationship after relationship, he was met with frustration, shame and deceit. As he tried to manipulate others he found himself manipulated. As he attempted to use deceit to get what he needed he was caught in others deceptions. He made bargains with God and with men only to have them come unraveled or circumvented. And by the time he found himself running away from his uncle with a house full of dysfunctional wives and crying children, facing the wrath of a powerful brother who could not let go of his grudge from Jacob's conniving tricks from their youth, Jacob felt he was at the very end of his rope. He had exhausted all of the tricks he could pull out of his bag. He had tried God, tried psychology, tried every means possible to look out for his interests, but inside his heart he was still an empty little boy yearning for the blessing that would impart a positive destiny and identity to him. He craved a dad's affirmation and approval but could never be good enough to earn it. And even though he had stolen what was supposed to be his father's blessing right out from under the nose of his profligate brother, he still could not feel the effects in his heart of that blessing that he wanted more than anything else.

Now he found himself facing all the results of all his messed-up attempts to establish his identity, all coalescing on him at the same time. His brother was coming to get even and potentially kill him. His uncle who could never be trusted and had tricked him out of one of the greatest desires of his heart, the father of his two wives (which was due to his uncle's trickery against him) was not far away after an ugly confrontation. His family was terrified of the mess Jacob had gotten them into, his children were fighting, whining and crying and Jacob's heart was still screaming out for something he just couldn't secure for himself. How much worse could it get?

Jacob had lived his whole life with a skewed picture of God just like I have. He had assumed like most people that he had to earn God's favor, respect and love. Like every male created by God, his greatest need was to feel respected and honored by others, but that was the least that he had ever accomplished. And like every human being he wanted to know that someone valued him, cared about him and believed in him even when the chips were down. But by this time in his life he had tried everything and absolutely nothing had worked out as he wanted it to. His conscience had tormented him for many years, his mind was exhausted trying to come up with yet another workable solution and his heart was amping up the decibels until he could hardly think of anything else.

Why did he still crave the blessing when supposedly he had gotten what he wanted from his father many years ago? Why was his brother so angry about that fiasco when Esau had ended up with all the material possessions of the family anyway? What did Esau care about the spiritual birthright that was part of the blessing? He didn't even care about God and was bold in flaunting a lifestyle in opposition to God's instructions.

Why was everything collapsing in Jacob's life all at the same time? Where was God right now anyway? Was that ladder that he had seen in his dream years ago now broken and out of commission? Had God failed him too? Was it his time to throw in the towel and give up the fight and surrender to death? A sense of immense hopelessness likely filled his mind as he begin to make preparations for the end.

He mentally prepared a list and made instructions to his family and servants to implement tactics to minimize the damage that was likely about to occur. He split up his family into groups and sent them off in different directions based on his own favoritism and preferences in hopes of avoiding losing all of them. He did the best he could to prepare the externals for the worst and then went off alone in the dark to find out where God might be hiding. It was his last, desperate attempt to reach out to God in hopes that God's faithfulness would be more reliable than his own.

Jacob's image of God in his mind and heart was reflective of the beliefs and choices that he had made throughout his own life. His mind believed that one had to earn the love and blessing of God just like he had been treated by his own father. And since Jacob could never even approximate the abilities and charisma that his brother possessed with their father he could never attract the heart attentions of his dad to fill the deep emptiness that haunted his own heart. And this same tension and distance between himself and his dad seemed to parallel how he was sure God felt about him. Everything he had tried to do to earn God' approbation had come apart and now it looked like there would be no more chances. This was likely the last night he would be alive and the last chance to get whatever it was that his heart could not rest without. He wanted a blessing, he needed a better identity, he craved a sense of belonging and value that he had never felt and he wanted it desperately.

As he stumbled through the dark agonizing in fear, in confusion, in loneliness and regret, in longing for someone to love him and just be with him, he suddenly felt arms wrapping themselves around him something like an embrace. Startled, his mind recoiled in terror and alarm and he instantly whirled around in a stance of defensiveness. All of his senses, muscles and emotions came to full alert and he launched himself into the fight of his life. He had no idea who this person was or what their intentions were but he was not about to let them take him out without a fight. He was surprised that he had even allowed them to sneak up on him like this. Why had he let his emotions become so distracting that he had not watched his back more carefully? Once again he had failed to protect himself and this time he threw everything he had into the battle.

If this “enemy” thought Jacob was a wimp he would find out very differently. Maybe it was Esau coming up with a surprise gorilla attack in the dark to get revenge. He assumed Esau still viewed him as the sniveling, weakling little brother who couldn't stand up for himself and was too chicken to fight like a man. Well, if that was the case then Esau would find out what all the years of hard work had done for Jacob's muscles. Jacob was toned and fit and had become a man's man now. He would show this intruder that he had learned to fight and was not afraid to show his stuff. And so the fight was on.

Being a very dark night Jacob could never get a glimpse of who this attacker was. While his emotions of fear pumped his body full of adrenaline and his mind moved quickly to come up with wrestling moves to outsmart this person, his heart was still screaming out in the background with desperation for the recognition and love that it wanted. But his external danger precluded taking time to pray and feel sorry for himself and he battled on all through the night. This guy was tough though, and Jacob seemed to make no headway in tiring him or out-maneuvering him. While Jacob tried every tactic of fighting known to him this stranger seemed to almost enjoy himself while tangling with Jacob's strong body. Something was very strange about this fight. This stranger was not fighting like anyone Jacob had ever encountered. He seemed to ignore Jacob's missteps and vulnerable moves that would have given a normal aggressor opportunity for advantage. And he seemed to be almost choosing to measure his strength to Jacob's and there was something else happening that was extremely strange.

All through the night as they wrestled, rolling around in the dirt and breathing in gasps and grunts, it seemed to Jacob that his heart was somehow dialogging with someone in a parallel fight to something similar with the external fight going on. He could almost hear internally a voice speaking to the assumptions in his soul and his heart arguing back. The inner fight was just as intense as the outer one and by morning Jacob was covered with sweat, dirt and blood while his inner fight was taking on a perspective of its own. Suddenly the two struggles merged into one as the faint light of dawn threatened to reveal the face of this stranger that intrigued Jacob's curiosity so much. With one simple light touch of His finger the Stranger dislocated Jacob's hip and suddenly Jacob's dislocated heart knew that this was God Himself that he was trying to man-handle.

But what Jacob later came to realize was that the real fight going on that night was Jacob's fight against the false picture of God in his heart and mind. He was rebelling against his perception of God as one who based His love on a person's performance that Jacob could never achieve. It was a fight against a god who refused to bless Jacob until he could get his act together and prove himself to be a real man worthy of God. It was a fight against a god who seemingly held grudges like his brother and threatened punishments for past mistakes. Jacob was fighting against a god that he could not bring himself to believe would forgive him, would bless him, would honor him and value him even though his heart craved all those things.

Jacob didn't realize that night that the real God of his fathers, the God that they had learned to know and appreciate, had come to give Jacob a hug and reveal His love and Jacob's value to him. He hadn't realized that God had not come to attack him but had come to be with him in his fear, his shame and his danger. God had come to him to fill that deep and intense, aching void in his heart that had increased over the years. God had come to personally impart to Jacob the blessing that his father had failed to relay so many years ago. God had come to become Jacob's real father but Jacob had reacted in fear due to his false image of God and so God had allowed him to fight it out all night long to exhaust all his attempts to earn love and respect. When Jacob was completely finished with his attempts to impress God, then God was ready and eager to be Jacob's father and impart the blessing, value and identity that Jacob wanted the most.

When Jacob realized who this was, his heart latched onto his God physically and emotionally with more tenacity than he had fought with throughout the whole night. Even with the pain of a freshly dislocated hip, Jacob knew it would be better to die than to lose this chance to receive the blessing he so deeply craved. As his false picture of God began to evaporate in the light of dawn and the Messenger pleaded to get away, Jacob refused to let Him leave without first giving him The Blessing. This was the chance of a lifetime and Jacob was not going to blow it again. He suddenly saw that the real God was one full of mercy and compassion and love, not a God who demanded performance and self-effort to receive His recognition. In the light of this fresh revelation of God he threw himself on the newly discovered mercy of his God and begged for a new identity. And that is exactly what he received.

Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak." But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." The man asked him, "What is your name?" "Jacob," he answered. Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome." Jacob said, "Please tell me your name." But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there. (Genesis 32:26-29 NIV)

(rest of story)

Honor Your Father...

Yesterday I was working at the church and school near where I lived growing up and where my parents spent the rest of their lives as well. I was disassembling some cabinets that my own Dad had likely installed years before and discovered a strange setup that I suspect he may have done. A wire was run inside and through the back part of the cabinets from one side to the other and connected somehow to a switch mounted just inside the door of the last cabinet. On the end of the wire where it began was a plug that was plugged into a receptacle on the wall and at the other end was another receptacle mounted in the far side of the last cabinet. The switch was designed to turn off one half of the receptacle and had scotch tape over the switch to prevent anyone from turning it off.

It became pretty obvious why the tape was on the switch when I found what was plugged into the receptacle, although it did not make a lot of sense to me. A refrigerator and a dehumidifier were plugged into the receptacle, so I suspect that if the switch was turned off there was a good chance that the refrigerator would go off and everything inside would be spoiled.

As was my typical reaction to such discoveries, I began to mumble to myself about how ridiculous and amateur this was and was reflective of the kind of thing my Dad would do. He was known for things like usually cutting off the ground spade on most of his extension cords so they could be plugged into the old-style two-pronged receptacles. He was very much a handy-man in some areas like electricity and plumbing and had often taken things into his own hands to install or repair.

I too have become much like him in learning a broad array of skills in different areas of the construction industry. In fact my Dad often told me that I should learn everything about as much as possible for it would serve me well later in my life and that is how I have ended up in the remodeling business. But I viewed myself as being more advanced than some of the seemingly crude practices of my Dad and I have sometimes thought a little, maybe demeaningly of him for doing things that seemed like a shortcut that was not as safe or advanced as they should be. This wiring job seemed a classic example of that.

As I was thinking these things while trying to disassemble the wires and get the cabinets apart so I could reinstall them somewhere else, a strange feeling began to come over me suddenly. I began to realize how negative my feelings are when I think these kinds of thoughts about my Dad and secondly I realized how easy it would be for my own son to have the same kind of attitudes toward many things that I do if he were to look them over. Then I thought how I might feel inside if I were to hear him express his dim view of my lack of skills and realized how put down or discouraging that would make me feel.

Of course, by extension I then realized that if my Dad were still alive and here watching me work that my thoughts and attitudes about his work would likely make him feel put down though he would not likely express it. In fact, if he were there watching the work I was doing to improve the very buildings that he had worked so hard to maintain and improve over the years he would have undoubtedly expressed a great deal of pride in what I was doing and would have been complimenting me on my skills and making me feel really good about myself. At this I began to feel really ashamed of myself.

All at once it became much more clear how much resentment and negative thoughts still hold sway in some unexposed dark corners of my mind about my own Dad, even though I have tried to let go of them and have chosen to forgive the abusive and neglectful mistakes he made while raising me as a child. As I thought about these things, that by now I realized were definitely being brought to my attention one by one by the Spirit of God, the fifth commandment flashed across the screen of my memory. Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the LORD your God is giving you. (Exodus 20:12 NKJV)

I suddenly realized with a surge of tears that I have not honored my Father and Mother very much in the way that I think and talk about their faults much more than their strengths, especially my Father. Conviction grabbed hold of me and I immediately confessed and agreed with the conviction and embraced it. I sensed that I have been still living under a curse because of this. I do not want to live in this darkness any longer, it has been poisoning my life far too many years and I want to live in the light of heaven instead. I want to – I choose to embrace my opportunity for freedom each time conviction offers it to me so I pleaded with God not to stop the conviction but to intensify it as necessary to help me become completely free.

At that point I was able to suddenly begin to have new feelings and memories about my Dad and remember him as a man who was someone I could be very proud to be his son. I felt impulses of desire to find ways to really honor this man who had worked so hard to overcome immense difficulties and enormous obstacles to raise a family under very difficult circumstances and with great personal handicaps. He had no father to mentor him and his mother had been herself a negative example of parenting. On top of that he had been very sickly growing up and had nearly died a number of times because of that. All of his life he had felt inferior and at a disadvantage to most everyone else but in spite of many odds had worked very hard to educate himself as best as possible and learn how to become a productive man and a decent Father and provider for his family.

Since he never had many advantages he had to work extra hard to just break even. This was also during some of the very difficult years of our country where many were struggling just to exist. Then he had to meet jealousy and subversive elements working to ruin his life and his livelihood and his reputation by the very people he was working for and was supposed to trust. In the parenting department, since he had no one to model his life after, he filled his mind with the Word of God and inspired writings trying to figure out the best way he could to raise five children in the fear of the Lord. Yes, he made a great deal of mistakes when it came to expressing love or administering discipline which caused his children to live their later lives with a great deal of baggage to overcome, but considering what enormous disadvantages he himself had come from he likely did much better than the average person would have done.

As I thought about these things while pulling apart the wires and cabinets I wondered what it means to honor someone. The Bible says that love covers a multitude of sins. While I have learned that it is very important to my own healing journey to face clearly the mistakes of the past and those done to me by others, at the same time I also have to learn more about the true nature of forgiveness. Forgiveness is definitely not sweeping under wraps all the mistakes of the past and trying to pretend they did not happen or ignoring them. But after I have faced them squarely, taken full ownership of the pain and processed them correctly in the light of the cross of Jesus, I need to reframe them in ways that I am still learning about.

I also realized that I cannot manage this schedule of personal healing or rush its progress even though I wish I could be free much faster. This conviction happened at just the right time and God used this circumstance to give me an opportunity to deal with this issue more deeply. Somehow I sense that my heart has to “ripen” in my own experience to a point where I am ready for the next lesson; to attempt to jump ahead and try to learn something I am not quite ready for would simply mean I might have to revisit it several more times. I have to trust the timing of God to effect my healing in each part of my heart. My part in this process as I see it right now is to align myself properly with the Spirit of God each day and practice listening more carefully to the very quiet voice of the Spirit so that I can respond and cooperate with the lessons He has waiting for me that day.

I am almost reluctant to even put this into writing because at times it seems that the very act of writing and the necessary process of left-brain distillation needed to write things experienced in the heart tend to interfere with the right brains ability to operate freely without interruption. It is almost like my emotions and heart are stifled and inhibited by the paparazzi effect of being peppered with questions and inquiries from the left brain when they are busy trying to do something more important. Even while I was experiencing this lesson yesterday my left brain was leaping into the experience wanting to collect notes and take snapshots like an aggressive reporter and I had to consciously force it to refrain so that I could continue to listen to what the Spirit might want to further say to me. I did not want to spoil an experience of the heart by allowing the external nature of the left brain to take me out of the proper context of living from my heart.

The main reason I am even writing it now is because I do not want to forget what I feel is a very important experience of the heart and I do not trust my increasingly forgetful brain to remember it very long even though I very much want to keep it. So if I get it down in writing as accurately as my left brain can attempt it then I can go back and review the lessons from my past and refresh them in my heart. And just maybe it will also serve in a small way to begin to honor the man that did so much for me that largely went unappreciated during his lifetime.

It is a very important principle of growth that we are likely to repeat the mistakes of the past if we forget the way God has lead us in our past history.

I want to figure out how to honor my Dad more. I want to live being openly proud of him and feeling good about my memories of him. I began to experience that very much in the afterglow of this experience and I really enjoyed it. It was refreshing and liberating. I suddenly realized much more that he was a man with a good heart in spite of his mistakes and problems. There are many things about him that I can and should be proud of in spite of his mistakes.

It also came to me clearly and strongly when I was thinking about this that the feelings and attitudes that I entertain about my Dad react inside of me with the same effects that they would have had on him. In a strange sort of way he is still alive as an inescapable part of myself. Because I see so much of my Dad in my own actions and attitudes, whenever I disparage him I am disparaging his image that is clearly embedded in myself and I make myself feel inadequate and humiliated just as I would him if he were to hear those negative things spoken to his face.

I also realized that my negative and fault-finding habits toward my own Dad as well as toward many others creates the strong potential for a mirror replication of that in my own children and encourage those negative feelings in them toward me, their Dad. I am actually reproducing much of my own baggage that I have held against my Father in the heart of my own children by my fault-dwelling reminiscences about my Dad's faults and failings with me. God have mercy! I knew things were bad in my heart but this is really exposing it more painfully. I need grace and healing and deliverance and thank God He is in that very business full-time.

God, I present myself to You today – right now – in an offering of worship. I give you full access and permission to do whatever You want with me today and continue the work of healing and restoration of You image in me that You are doing. Help me remain tuned and undistracted today so that I do not miss anything Your Spirit is trying to reveal to me about Your heart and Your perspective. Help me to honor my parents in the right way without hiding from their mistakes. Connect me with Your heart of compassion and love and align my thoughts and feelings and attitudes with Your Law – the description of who You are. Fill me with the joy of Your presence today and make me a successful experiment of Your grace – for Your name's sake, for Your reputation.

Who Am I?

I have been challenged to copy down the real attributes of my heart and my true identity, the person I really am inside so that I can remember them and state them with assurance and confidence. I cannot ever remember doing this before so it seems a bit bewildering to me. But I also realize that with all the confusion going on right now that this advice is very appropriate and timely. I won't mind some input from those who really know me who would like to assist me in this. I am learning the importance of unmasking the heart that Jesus has given me and that is my true identity.

As I talked with my wife about this the question came up if this is not boasting or bragging about myself. As we discussed this we talked about our need to remember that for every counterfeit there is a solid, true original that it seeks to imitate but with a subtle, deceitful twist. Too often we spend so much energy and focus on avoiding counterfeits that we fail to embrace the true because it looks so much like the false. This morning as I continued to think and pray about this God brought to my mind some things from His Word to confirm that I should be doing this.

Thus says the LORD: “Do not let the wise boast in their wisdom, do not let the mighty boast in their might, do not let the wealthy boast in their wealth; but let those who boast boast in this, that they understand and know me, that I am the LORD; I act with steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth, for in these things I delight,” says the LORD. (Jeremiah 9:23-24 NRSV)

Jesus said explicitly, “Everyone therefore who acknowledges me before others, I also will acknowledge before my Father in heaven; but whoever denies me before others, I also will deny before my Father in heaven.” (Matthew 10:32-33 NRSV)

Then I was reminded of what happened to Peter when he forgot who he really was and expressed “confessions” of his old identity with his old language of swearing. He denied that he knew Jesus, which was a false statement about who he really was – a close friend of Jesus – and he mistakenly affirmed his old identity as a swaggering, course, caustic fishermen who cared for nobody. Some might say that he was showing his true colors in that moment, that all the mistakes he had made while with Jesus revealed his true identity and that nothing had really changed on the inside. But that is the false identity of the kingdom of darkness that tries to convince us of the lie. Jesus knew better than that – He was the embodiment of truth, and He knew Peter's “confession” was not reflective of his true heart and his love for Jesus. That is why Jesus made it a point to look at Peter after the third denial and lock eyes with him. It was not to impose feelings of guilt and condemnation on Peter like we sometimes assume, but to remind Peter that no matter how often Peter might forget who he was and slip into old patterns of thinking, Jesus knew Peter's true heart that was passionate for God and wanted to be like Him and could not really deny his love for Him. Jesus would not allow any amount of distracting pain and torture being done to Himself to prevent Him from assuring Peter of His faith in Peter's heart. Jesus made sure that Peter saw for a moment in His eyes the love and confidence, the tenderness and forgiveness that Jesus had for him. And that was enough to re-awaken Peter's heart to remember his true identity as one of Jesus' best friends and to weep with great remorse and repentance for denying his true identity as a friend of Jesus.

Many times I too need to be reminded of who I really am when I forget. I need to remember that I am not defined by my misdeeds or mistakes when I momentarily forget my true identity, but I am in truth defined by the characteristics of the heart that Jesus has planted within me and is nurturing, protecting and growing to more perfectly reflect the beauty of His own heart. God says in Jeremiah 9:24 that I should boast – brag even – that I understand and know Him, that He is a God who acts with steadfast lovingkindness – working mercy, justice – giving true decisions, and righteousness – doing what is right in the earth, for in these things He delights – and I delight too.

At this point one friend has committed themselves to emailing me every day to remind me of who I really am. I did not ask them to do that but I know that God's Spirit prompted them to do so. They have already sent their first message reminding me of what they see and encouraging me to affirm what God has designed me to be and is already there. That is deeply appreciated and warmly accepted – yes, one of the characteristics of my true heart. Another characteristic that I want to develop more is a willingness to do the same for others, not only on a regular basis but especially when they are in danger of forgetting their true blueprint.

I want to continue to add and develop and refine my Declaration of Identity to remind myself of what God looks like living inside of me. By affirming what God has designed me to be and has planted in my soul I am replanting healthy seeds of truth that will spring up and produce even more fruit. Jesus said, “If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.” (John 15:7-8 NIV)

Who am I?

A man, a father who never wants anything or anyone to hurt or threaten any of his children.

A husband who wants his wife to feel loved, safe and fulfilled.

A man who wants to express love and affection openly without inhibition or fear.

A person who desires to be filled with pure and holy passion, devotion and love for God and for his family and friends.

A man who keeps his natural desires and lower passions under control so that they will be expressed appropriately and effectively.

A man of honesty and integrity who values truth even when it hurts.

A man who wants to listen and learn from wise people who can help him grow and mature.

A man who desires deep, lasting bonds of love with other people that are revealed in acts of thoughtfulness, kindness and sympathy and that will stay firm in any crisis.

A man whose heart is morally upright and pure and is learning how to relate in healthy ways that will demonstrate his affections while respecting the proper rights and feelings of those he loves.

An industrious person who enjoys working, creating new ideas, building and improving physical structures and learning new skills.

A sensitive, caring man who lives from his heart and makes himself vulnerable and transparent to people with whom he desires to have bonds of trust and friendship.

A musician who expresses his soul and innermost feelings through various forms of music that cannot be expressed through words.

A writer who listens to the voice of God in his soul and mind and shares these thoughts with others.

A friend who is learning to better listen to the hearts of hurting people who need support and encouragement.

A man who is discovering the meaning of real joy and desires to be willing to be there for people when they need someone just to go through an experience or emotion alongside them.

A caring person who believes in the power of family love bonds where each person will trust each other and differences or conflicts will be addressed in a spirit of reconciliation with the goal of restoration of close ties of love and affection.

A man who firmly believes in the Atonement already in place created by God through Jesus Christ so that all of our sins are forgiven and wiped away, all of our guilt can be released completely and immediately, and all of our relationships can be healed with His love.

A Christian who has committed himself to the pursuit of knowing God's heart intimately, His feelings, His view of reality and living in His love for me.

A father who draws out of each of his children with tenderness and persistence the special gifts and characteristics that God placed in them at conception.

A man who seeks to discover the real reasons that lie behind the surface and uncover the hidden beauty in each person with whom he connects.

A person who is learning to be more congruent in his expressions, learning to be less afraid of what others think about him and more attuned to what God sees in him.

A man devoted to discovering the passion of God woven throughout all of the Word of God and waiting to be unleashed in the lives of those who join him in pursuit of mining the Word.

A man becoming one in whose spirit is no guile and no deceit found is in his mouth.

A man who is being led by the Spirit of God on his journey to eventual full realization of his present true identity as one of the sons of God. (Rom. 8:14)

A man who firmly believes in God's amazing ability and plans to work all things together for good to those who love God. (Rom. 8:28)

A man of grace who is eager to cover a multitude of sins by not engaging in gossip or spreading damaging rumors about other struggling souls.

A man who daily seeks the wisdom of God to know how to respond appropriately with a spirit of kindness reflective of God's Spirit.

A humble man who at the same time is not afraid to “brag”, or acknowledge his intimate relationship with God.

A man who seeks to learn from others, both from their strengths and from their failures.

A person who is willing to learn from his own failures while not becoming overwhelmed with discouragement and forgetting who he is.

A man of faith, not only in God's good intentions and ability but faith in those around him to respond to the grace and kindness of God's compassion and infinite love.

A patient person who seeks God's perspective when things don't seem to be going well.

A devoted husband who pursues the heart and affections of his lovely wife, cherishing her above all other women in his life and being ravished in her love.

A caring man who is not afraid to reveal sensitive emotions in public.

A saint, who is a sinner who trusts totally in the character and identity of Jesus Christ as the basis of his relationship with God and with others.

A believer who gives all of his pain, fears, guilt and problems to Jesus believing that one Person is enough to experience the pain and loss created by my sins and I do not need to re-experience that again.

A man who deeply desires bonds of true love and affection with other people who are seeking to be real and open themselves.

A person who is not ashamed of the identity that God has created him to be.

A man with a soft heart for children and elderly people and desires to serve and protect their hearts and bodies from harm.

A man who desires to be bold for God's reputation and be willing to speak in His defense even when it is unpopular.

A man who thinks outside the box, unwilling to accept “canned” answers or be content with platitudes and empty words.

A Christian who wants to passionately know the real truth about God and sweep away all the confusing lies amassed in religion to reveal the beauty and glory and magnetic attraction of the true God of love.

A man sensitive to pain and sympathetic to others who are suffering.

A man who wants to be used by God to be an authentic witness of the ability of God to transform him as an experiment of grace.

A person who values beauty everywhere it can be found in God's creation.

A man who trusts God when he can't see through the dark and can't feel His presence just then.

A person who longs for real community and closeness with others who are being led by the same Spirit of the Father, whether or not they profess to know God.

A perceptive friend who desires to stimulate the uniqueness and specialness in those with whom he has influence.

A man who is not ashamed of his body, but seeks to care for it, protect it and keep it healthy and strong so that it can be used as a house for God to live in.

A man who is not ashamed of his infirmities and limitations.

A person with weaknesses and liabilities that needs honest-hearted, caring friends to remind him, encourage him, give him perspective and support him in his everyday life.

A man with humility received from God and a willingness to be a friend, a confidant and a companion for everyone that God places on his heart.

A man who knows that the only true goodness in his life is only reflective of the merits of Jesus whom he is becoming like through God's transformational power.

A man of prayer who carries on instant messaging with God on a regular basis to stay in tune with what God is doing and thinking.

A disciple of Jesus who is being tutored and groomed as one of the sons of the Almighty.

A gentle man who believes that force is never a means for good and that the true power of love is superior at all times to its counterfeit of force though it often takes longer to see results.

As I update this I will place it on a separate page in my site easily accessible to keep it fresh.

“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful; and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds.” (Hebrews 10:23-24 NAS95)

As is often the case, and as I suspected even before I opened the book, the message in My Utmost was carefully designed to fit perfectly what God was already talking to me about through various sources. That is why I waited to post the above until after I read today's reading. Sure enough, it was a powerful confirmation from God that I was thinking along the same lines as He wants me to. Here is what it says.

By what right do we become “a royal priesthood?” By the right of the Atonement. Are we prepared to leave ourselves resolutely alone and to launch out into the priestly work of prayer? The continual grubbing on the inside to see whether we are what we ought to be generates a self-centered, morbid type of Christianity, not the robust, simple life of the child of God. Until we get into a right relationship to God, it is a case of hanging on by the skin of our teeth, and we say – What a wonderful victory I have got! There is nothing indicative of the miracle of Redemption in that, Launch out in reckless belief that the Redemption is complete, and then bother no more about yourself, but begin to do as Jesus Christ said – pray for the friend who comes to you at midnight, pray for the saints, pray for all men. Pray on the realization that you are only perfect in Christ Jesus, not on this plea – “O Lord, I have done my best, please hear me.”

How long is it going to take God to free us from the morbid habit of thinking about ourselves? We must get sick unto death of ourselves, until there is no longer any surprise at anything God can tell us about ourselves. There is only one place where we are right, and that is in Christ Jesus. When we are there, then we have to pour out for all we are worth in this ministry of the interior. (MUHH 6/21)

Jacob's Blessing

My thoughts were mulling over the concept of blessing today and I began thinking about Jacob's experience with blessing. Of course, he is known for his escapade along with his mother of deceiving his father Isaac to gain the blessing of the firstborn that rightfully was supposed to go to Esau. It gets rather complicated when more factors are considered such as God's prophecy about their future when the twins were born and Esau's manipulated agreement under duress to relinquish the birthright when he was very hungry.

At any rate, as the story unfolded, Jacob ended up running for his life in fear after Esau threatened to kill him for “stealing” the blessing from his father. So did Jacob really get the blessing? This could generate a great deal of discussion especially with our western ignorance of what a blessing really is anyway. Typically we think of blessing as associated with material wealth. At first glance in this story it appears that Jacob lost all of the wealth that should have come from his father with the blessing since he left home for a long period of time. But further on in the story we see that Jacob indeed became very wealthy through the apparent benefits of being blessed supernaturally. He ended up with a large family and a great deal of livestock which in that day was the currency of riches. So in light of this and from our viewpoint it might seem that Jacob would finally feel like he had indeed received the blessing that had been pronounced on him from his father.

But if this was true then why is it that we find him in such a desperate state of mind while he spends all night body-wrestling and unknown “assailant” in the dark that he had no idea of their identity? The key moment comes when he realizes who he has been wrestling with and instantly wraps himself around the body of the heavenly messenger in a death-grip of emotional intensity begging for the blessing that his heart had craved for all of his life. To me this looks like a symptom of intense soul-hunger that was never satisfied with what we would consider external blessings in abundance. He had wives, he had children, he had wealth, he had freedom. But the fear that had haunted him all of his life had not disappeared and now he was back face to face with it. He was forced to face his past; he could no longer hide from it. Now his real heart came gushing to the surface and the crisis of his brother's threats only triggered the deeper crisis of the emptiness that he had been attempting to fill repeatedly but had failed to diminish.

This night of sharp focus in the life of Jacob is referred to in the book of Daniel as the time of Jacob's trouble and is prophecied to be repeated in the lives of God's people very near the end of this world's history. Many people believe we are about to enter that time in the very near future. I was raised in a culture where a great deal of emphasis was put on teaching this in a spirit of fear and dread. We were taught that we must prepare for this time of testing by putting away every sin from our life and developing a perfect character so that no sin will be discovered in our life during that time.

Associated with this future event was also a great deal of external violence and world-wide disasters culminating in the second coming of Jesus to bring and end to all the mess and pick up His perfected saints who survive this time of trouble without any sin being found in them. Again, I remember a great deal of fear and foreboding associated with this frequent teaching and was not too keen about suffering through such an ordeal especially given the near impossibility of getting myself to such a level of perfection that was demanded to survive it.

I have begun to realize that there is something wrong with this teaching for a number of years now primarily due to the over-emphasis of fear as the key ingredient. It is becoming very clear to me that teachings based on fear are very suspect at best and present a very distorting picture of God at worst. While many of the facts surrounding a teaching may indeed be accurate, presenting a teaching or doctrine based on fear is attempting to present truth using the methods of the enemy of truth. And when truth is presented in the wrong spirit it ceases to have the power of truth no matter how accurate the facts may be or how many proof-texts are lined up to reinforce it. This is a major problem that has prevented the gospel from spreading to the world and keeps Christianity locked in internal struggles and arguments that profanes the name of the One they claim to represent.

What became startlingly clear to me today is that this fear-oriented teaching has turned away hundreds of thousands of people from growing further in their Christian experience because of the terrors of the “time of trouble” repeatedly kept before them by religious people seeking to motivate them into perfection of character through fear. This is a classic scheme of the Devil who is determined to steal the incredible blessing that God has in store for us. We have missed the most important part of Jacob's story in our teaching about the “time of Jacob's trouble”.

Jacob went into this experience because of the fear that was tormenting him so mercilessly. He had divided up his large family and livestock and had sent them in different directions in another attempt to protect his assets and then retired to a solitary place to seek God earnestly for relief of the greatest cry of his own heart. It was now unavoidable that his heart still craved blessing and now he wanted it more than life itself. He longed to be free of the ever-present feeling of guilt that had tormented him and increased over his lifetime. He desperately wanted peace with God and decided to spend the night in prayer not only for protection but for real satisfaction that only the genuine blessing could bring him.

Ironically, when God showed up in person to answer his prayer and embraced him to fulfill the longing of his heart, Jacob's fear-based mind reacted in alarm and violence in resistance to the very thing his heart longed for the most without realizing it. The original language conveys that the “angel” acutally embraced Jacob, not just touched him. God came to give him a hug but it erupted into a fight instead. How often do we find ourselves in the same situation, reacting in terror against the very things that God brings into our lives to be our greatest source of blessing and fulfillment because we have not known the real truth about what God is really like.

The main point of this story is that Jacob really did receive the blessing he had longed for all of his life, the blessing that everyone of us longs for from the very deepest, misunderstood recesses of our being. It was at the climax of this “time of trouble” that Jacob received this blessing, and the same will be true for those who pass through the future time of “Jacob's trouble”.

So what is this blessing that he received and that we need so badly? I cannot explain that, partly because I do not know and partly because I suspect it cannot be condensed into words easily even by those who have received it. However, I believe that one of the most important aspects of that blessing was a radical shift in paradigms that occurred in Jacob's thinking and perception about how God wanted to relate with him. Because of this new relationship with God and the amazing experience of grace that Jacob experienced when his name was changed to Israel – one who strove with God and overcame – he afterward demonstrated a bold and peaceful confidence and trust in God's protection and abilities never before seen in his life. He had experienced the truth about God on a very personal and intimate level and he was a totally changed man. That is the opportunity that lies embedded in the future “time of trouble” for those who understand enough of the true nature of God to enter into it in anticipation of the blessing waiting for them there.

Promoting fear in association with the time of trouble is to work in concert with the enemies scheme to trick us out of our blessing. Fear is not God's method for motivation. He has made it very clear all throughout scripture that He does not want us operating from a base of fear. “For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7)

Your Grace Still Amazes Me

Yesterday morning during my meditation time I read the thoughts in My Utmost from the previous day that I had not had time to read due to intense preparation for the afternoon ceremony. As I suspected before I ever read it, God had placed an important message in that days reading for my heart knowing ahead of time what would happen on that day. Here are some excerpts from May 5:

Salvation is the great thought of God, not an experience... Never preach the experience; preach the great thought of God behind. When we preach we are not proclaiming how man can be saved from hell and be made moral and pure; we are conveying good news about God.

...Never sympathize with a soul who finds it difficult to get to God, God is not to blame. It is not for us to find out the reason why it is difficult, but so to present the truth of God that the Spirit of God will show what is wrong....

If Jesus ever gave us a command He could not enable us to fulfill, He would be a liar; and if we make our inability a barrier to obedience, it means we are telling God there is something He has not taken into account. Every element of self-reliance must be slain by the power of God. Complete weakness and dependence will always be the occasion for the Spirit of God to manifest His power.

That last sentence went straight to my heart producing a powerful wave of emotion and confirmation. I had been reminded of that by other people even before we went into this and God confirmed it in this writing on just the day that it applied the most.

I felt terribly inadequate, out of time and emotionally fragile going into the afternoon service. I had not found anyone to coordinate the event and so I was under tremendous pressure to answer lots of questions about material details that I could not deal with. A number of important elements were forgotten in the rush that made me feel extremely sad after it was over. But I keep reminding myself that this was God's opportunity to do something important in spite of all our blunders and forgetfulness and missed cues. I must be very careful not to dwell on all the mistakes but to remain in faith that something unseen but superseding of what was obvious took place that day and the visible results may or may not be seen for a long time. We did as much as we could do with the resources and time that we had and God must glorify His name in His way and time. We simply provided the human ingredients and permission for Him to do His much greater thing whatever that may be.

Another aspect of the aftermath of this event was my own personal life-long confusion as to how to relate to compliments or appreciation. From a very early age something about this got twisted, I suppose at least partly from the over-conservative bias of the religious culture I was immersed in. I remember feeling that to receive any compliments or praise for nearly anything was immediately labeled by my mind as flattery and therefore sinful and wrong. I know that people when they hear this feel the impulse to simply correct me and tell me that it isn't so, but my heart cannot receive those words as truth. Even telling myself those things does not change my automatic reaction. I always feel some degree of guilt associated with accepting compliments without some kind of protest or disclaimer.

This habit (or coping mechanism) of course, has the effect of discouraging everyone from further attempts to affirm me. This in turn tends to make me feel more isolated and introverted and discouraged in my spirit. That in turn makes people feel more distant from me and unappreciated for their attempts to reach out to me and the whole thing remains a vicious spiral that perpetuates itself throughout my life. What I am describing here is not an attempt at self-justifying or solicitation for pity, it is simply a description of what I am observing as a weak spot in my character that has contributed to the starved condition of my heart over most of my lifetime.

Just writing it out makes me feel very frightened at what others will think. Usually they will either try to correct my thinking with obvious logic or they will pull back and leave me to my fate deciding that nothing they do or say will make a difference anyway. I am back to staring at another very vulnerable area of my damaged heart and taking what feels like a terrifying risk of exposing myself in public by even talking about it. It seems like whatever the “solution” might be, it will not be woven into my personality and character through the normal methods that we typically use for correction. This is very much a heart condition and it seems to me that it can only be addressed from other hearts who are equally open and vulnerable but also are deeply caring and persistent. That is also what my heart wants to be when it grows up.

So how do I finish this post from here? I don't know. That's the problem with this medium of communication – it is one-sided in the present sense and makes whatever dialog is initiated very slow and tedious. But this impatience with its limitations is probably God's built-in incentive for me to grow beyond this crutch and become more open to more active means of interaction while remaining open with my heart. I am slowly beginning to learn how to experience intense emotions while still trying to remember who I am and how to act and respond without being controlled by triggers. I will certainly be more happy and satisfied when I become more proficient and capable of those skills.

Here's how this post must be finished. I am so glad that God showed up two days ago as I invited Him to do. As usual it was not necessarily the way I would preferred to have seen it; we are always clamoring for the spectacular and the supernatural external displays of glory. But Elijah was taught an important lesson about this when God ran him through a training session of how to hear God's voice. After missing the real thing in a number of spectacular displays of frightening power, Elijah felt the familiar urges of the quiet voice inside his head that he had been hearing and following for most of his life. God is certainly capable of the spectacular displays, but the long-term heart changes are effected more permanently in the quiet impressions of the insistent love and healing of that sweet Spirit that is molding us back into the image of God for which we were designed.

As the room was being cleaned up and the commotion was beginning to subside, my heart was reaching out for God trying to figure out where to connect with Him. I put on some music that had been missed during the program and walked away from the commotion to listen to the words and music coming out of the speakers and immediately my spirit responded in worship and a sense of peace. This song never fails to deeply stir my heart and I wanted to just be swallowed up in the truth of its words. “Your grace still amazes me – Your love is still a mystery. Each day I fall on my knees, 'cause Your grace still amazes me.” The musical arrangement of this by Phillips, Craig and Dean is one of the most beautiful and powerful messages to the heart that I have ever heard through music. When I sing along with the words while engaging my heart to express them in real time directly to my God, the message becomes very real and my heart feels released to be free and alive for a few moments in the very presence of God. I cannot describe it accurately in this limited medium, but those who have lived from their heart at least on occasion know what I am talking about to some extent.

Throughout the rest of the evening my mind kept feeling an intense desire for something, but it seemed that every line of thought that I looked at was immediately dissatisfying and I would turn to another. I felt very spiritually and increasingly emotionally hungry and I wanted to find what it was that would satisfy it best . What I found was that when I would simply stop my thinking and ignore the external distractions and simply focus consciously on God's presence in quietness, it was only then that I felt like this emptiness was starting to be satisfied and fed. I suppose, looking back on it now, that it was an important part of the peace/joy cycle that our brains and hearts are designed for in order to thrive. I was coming off the peak of the joy part of the cycle, the intense “glad to be together in intense sharing of emotions with another”, and now I equally needed the peace part of the cycle to balance me, the quiet time together just marinating in the presence and love of God without words or dialog. Yes, it is very true for me, “Your grace still amazes me – Your love is still a mystery”.