Dance Dream

Waking up – series of dreams I do not now recall – after each dream I asked Jesus what it meant and I was shown some truth about me – the last dream I remember the punch line.

I was sitting in a large group of people enjoying something we were doing but I don't remember the first part, maybe music, maybe discussion, maybe drama. It was sort of a sunken floor semi-circle area but full of friends and felt comfortable. Then I became aware of a much bigger area above and behind us – there was a church program starting, something like a Christmas vespers-type thing with children's choir or something but not nearly as formal. It was not really like people lined up in pews but more informal with people standing around the room or sitting. Our group took up about one-third of the area on the left side of the room that looked a lot like the university church. The people in our group turned to look toward the front of the church to see what was starting there. A group gathered in the middle, like on the platform and steps, and were starting to sing something but I didn't really recognize particularly what the song was. People were still milling around somewhat in the church – there were hardly any pews if any, at least I never noticed them – so the atmosphere was quite different.

At this point I turned my seat around to observe and enjoy the program that I assumed must be starting. After a few moments and a few lines into the singing I began to notice a pattern slowly emerging among a few of the bystanders in the church. Instead of just randomly milling around, a few of them I noticed had formed an impromptu Messianic dance line and were daring to move across the front of the church. There were very few of them at this point, most just watched and enjoyed the music.

I found this development a little unusual for this environment but also a bit curious. I wondered what the reaction would be. My group was still seated in the lower area also observing this with me. I estimate there may have been around 30-45 friends in my group but I didn't really identify any of them as someone I know in waking life. We were just a group that was relaxed and enjoying each other.

All of a sudden I noticed that a number of our group had stood up and had formed a line holding each others hands and was heading up out of our – whatever you call a lowered floor area – to join hands with the 5-10 people who were trying to initiate a spontaneous dance line. (If you are familiar with Jewish-type dancing this is what I am talking about, not another kind of dancing.) This was a curious development. Suddenly a girl at the end of the new line that I didn't even know seized my hand and tried to pull me up out of my seat and into the line as they moved toward the steps up to the front. Just as suddenly my curiosity and enjoyment instantly turned to fear and strong objections and protests. Inside I really did want to join them and see the line swell large enough to completely encircle the choir. That would be nice to see. But another part of me refused to participate, particularly in front of a bunch of Adventists and right here in this well-known church.

Love had grabbed my hand and invited me to abandonment and freedom, but I was pulling back hard and trying to stay in my comfort zone as a passive observer to protect my fears.

Just then I woke up with a jolt and the conflict continued. I asked God what was going on here. I had already asked Him after each previous dream to keep showing me what is really going on and after revealing something (which I couldn't remember in the morning) He would give me another dream. This time He reminded me of my problem of “image manager”. Yes, I am an image manager, and images are false gods. I am a manager, a director, a caretaker of a house full of images that keep moving around to handle every situation that threatens to expose them. I took on this job in earnest when I promised God(?) on that night in the car with my mom dying at home that I would be “good” if He kept her alive. When she did pull back from death I launched into my new job, my side of the bargain, with great vigor and the gods have been quietly joining the team over the rest of my life until now I am gasping for a breath of reality. They are like parasites within me drawing off much of the life and nourishment that is meant for my true soul and identity. I am often not sure how much I am praying to the true God and how much I am still worshiping the look-alike god that I talked to that night in the car. Yes, my picture of God has dramatically improved over the years and I am still confident that the real God is somewhere behind the scenes communicating with me through all of this. But I feel like parts of Job, the demoniac, the confused disciples and even some of Simon the sorcerer. I resonate with Simon's agonized cry for Peter to pray for him. But the problem with Simon's request was a desire to avoid the consequences instead of desiring new motives.

As I lay in bed experiencing all this I also identified with Jacob wrestling with God desperately begging for a blessing, a new identity, freedom from the demon-gods of his past. He was clinging to Love Itself until he would feel it inside his own soul and live without fear and shame for the first time in his life.

I am the Lord your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. You shall have no other gods before or besides Me. You shall not make for yourself, or in yourself, an idol or image or any likeness of what is in heaven above (even of God) or on the earth beneath or in the water under the earth. You shall not worship them (try to get life from them) or serve them (be subservient to their control); for I, the (real) Lord your God, am a jealous God (for your deepest affection and loyalty), visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and fourth generations of those who hate me (unless one of those generations accepts freedom from slavery through Me), but showing lovingkindness (covenant love-bonding) to thousands of generations to those who love Me and keep (cherish) my commandments (My true identity).

You shall not take (on) the name of the Lord your God in vain (just externally), for the Lord will not hold him guiltless (prevent him from the inner torture of conflicting beliefs and emotions) who takes His name in vain (who claims to be a follower of God's ways but is controlled inside by lies about God). (Exodus 20:3-7)

“You have no part or portion in this matter, for your heart is not right before God. Therefore repent of this wickedness of yours, and pray the Lord that, if possible, the intention of your heart may be forgiven you. For I see that you are in the gall of bitterness and in the bondage of iniquity.” (Peter's response to Simon) Acts 8:21-23

Jacob said, “O God of my father... O Lord, who said to me, 'Return to your country and to your relatives, and I will prosper you'; I am unworthy of all the (covenant) lovingkindness and of all the faithfulness which you have shown to your servant... Deliver me... for I fear....” (Gen. 32:9-11)

I will appease him (my brother)... then afterward I will see his face; perhaps he will accept me. (v.20)

Then Jacob was left alone, and “a man” wrestled with him until daybreak.

He said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” So He said to him, “What is your name?” (who do you believe you are?) And he said, “Jacob” (deceiver, loser, failure, worthless, not cherished by anyone). He said, “Your name shall no longer be Jacob, but Israel (he who strives with God; God strives), for you have striven with God and with men and have prevailed.” Then Jacob asked Him and said, “Please tell me your name.” But He said, “Why is it that you ask my name?” And He blessed him there (imparted new identity, a sense of value, empowerment to prosper). (v.24,26-29)

Then Esau ran to meet him and embraced hem, and fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept. (33:4)

(see Job 42:5,6 Eze. 36:22-32 23:49 20:39,44)

Sea change expected, possibly soon..... I have been very busy working out of state for about 4 months remodeling houses for relatives and friends. I have not finished any of them but I have learned a great deal during that time about relationship dynamics and about myself. I am assuming that I will be returning to each of those jobs to finish up soon, if possible. Meanwhile, back at the ranch... Things at home have been coming apart and falling into disarray as might be expected. The yard got quite out of control, the garden is overgrown with weeds, appliances are breaking down, bookwork is 4 months behind and people are asking if I still live here. I came home and brought Kevin and Rose Ferreira to stay with us for awhile to offer their service, or process as they like to call it, to anyone interested in the local churches or community. Amazingly it seems almost no one in this area has any problems whatsoever that need resolving, no conflicts, not even any marriages that need improvement. I guess I never realized how close to Nirvana we really lived. Anyway, we are trying to let them work with us while we have the opportunity. As expected (one of the problems they have fingered -- expectations) it is very difficult for us to unlock our hearts and get real. But that doesn't prevent us from continuing to chip away at the ice. I am noticing signs of cracks developing in my ice barrier which is encouraging and frightening at the same time. I have been writing a lot of thoughts and insights down on legal pads but obviously none of them have made it to this site yet. I need to have a better system if I want to use this forum as an outlet for my musings. When I am away from home it is nearly impossible to post as I usually don't have internet access or even a computer. We both spent a very enriching week together a month ago up in Big Rapids, MI attending a THRIVE conference. They paid our expenses to record the whole conference and produce the master copies for them to use for sales. Even though we didn't participate in the many right-brain excercises that are so important to the learning experience because we were not registered attendees, we were able to listen to most of the presentations by Jim Wilder and some by Chris Coursey and were immensely blessed by the worship and Messianic dancing every evening. After the conference I spent another week and a half working more on the house project in MI and then when I arrived at home I began editing and preparing the master copies of the recordings. It was a much bigger project than I had anticipated and took me about another week and a half of solid long days to finish up the project and send it off to them. When I have more time I may go back and fine-tune the editing and remaster them, but for now I will leave it alone. It was very frustrating to be doing this while we had our friends here who were waiting patiently for us to have some time so they could work on improving our marriage and our internal baggage and blocks. This couple is very skilled at what they do. They are quickly getting enormous experience all over the country with absolutely amazing results in people's lives, families, relationships and even businesses. The word is spreading about them quickly and transformed and energized people share their stories with all their friends and more people beg for help. I will post their contact information on my ministry resources list if you are interested in learning more. I spent some time reading a few chapters of Linda's book and noticed how many times she referred to many things about her perspective and feelings that I am now learning so much about. It's nice to know, in a way, that some people are way ahead of me in some of these areas of perception of life and what is really important. That means I have people that understand some of what I am doing and even have an idea of what is ahead for me because they have already been there and done that. Well, I should bring these ramblings to closure. I am praying for major breakthroughs in my thinking and heart-understanding soon. I have learned a great deal about it lately but dropping down into a heart experience is a whole different story. I have been listening to the series of Munchies, Kingdom Snacks by Jim Wilder (available from CARE Packaging) and every one of them have amazed me. They have really opened up my mind and given me startling and practical applications to stories and verses I had never dreamed of before. They have also given me realtime assistance as I struggle to break through the fog and the lies that have distorted my perception of reality all of my life. I highly recommend them to anyone who wants to grow and expand their spiritual insight. Well, that's all for now. Hopefully I will have time someday to transfer some of my legalpad logs to the web for what its worth. Grow and come alive today. God wants nothing more that for us all to be fully alive and moving together in perfect harmony and energized by His passion.

Logs and Splinters

“Why do you see the speck in your neighbor's eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbor, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' while the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye.” (Matthew 7:3-5 NRSV)

The reason there is always a log in my eye and a splinter in yours....

When I see a fault in someone else it magnifies the same fault that lurks inside me. The splinter is a chip off the block made of the same material. Because your fault tends to magnify my fault and I don't want to see my own fault first, then I attack your fault to quiet my own discomfort.

A splinter may even be the same size in both your eye and mine. But through the principle of perspective the relative size of trying to look past a splinter that is so close to me that is in me makes it appear as big as a log. And as far as useful vision is concerned it is the size of a log.

The log is always in my eye, not just because it may or may not be bigger than the splinter in another's eye but because (1) it is composed of the same material and (2) it is at extremely close range making it appear much larger and (3) it hopelessly distorts my ability to be of any use helping the other person. The splinter in my own eye (notice it is not in my hand or anywhere else) is the only one I have an effective choice of dealing with. If I attend to my own repair, realize I need the assistance of someone who no longer has blurred and obstructed vision to help me remove my own problem, then I will experience and model to others the very process and ensuing freedom that they need to experience and enjoy. Then I can assist them in humility, compassion, patience and sympathy sharing from a new perspective of a recovering fault-victim. Instead of being a fault-finder and accuser I can now become a hope-sharer and an assistant for the Divine Surgeon.

By story-telling my own experience of transformation from victim to healed I bear testimony and thereby effectuate the growth of the Body. Testifying was the trademark activity of the early New Testament believers and it was their most effective tool.

Classes of False gods

False gods are not just sources of life that are pleasurable. The other class of gods operate by fear of death. Both classes promise to give us life. The first class promises to enrich us with pleasure and happiness and satisfaction but when we indulge them we discover the death-effects of pain and guilt and bitterness masked by the lies.

The other class threaten us openly with pain and death and fear unless we conform to their demands. They promise to allow us permission to live if we will appease them and submit to their manipulation of our souls. Both kinds of gods promise life – the first positively and the second negatively and grudgingly. But both are diverting our loyalty and trust from the true God.

Jacob's Trouble

Jacob clung to God until he received a blessing. He was desperate to have a sense of true identity and value. He had lived most of his life being shamed and devalued. He was starved for joy, someone to cherish him.

God did not really give him a new identity. He revealed to him his original blueprint, what his heart had all along been designed to be. The deceiver Jacob was a false self created and perpetuated by himself and his mother in wrong reactions to pressuring circumstances. Jacob's heart had always yearned for intimacy with God but the lies embedded early caused him to act out in sins which created shame which produced more lies which produced more shame and anger and pain.

We too must realize and feel a desperate, passionate hunger for God Himself that eclipses every other craving and pleasure. This is the whole explanation of “Jacob's time of trouble” in the end. It is , pure and simple, an abandonment of every lie, every other source that we have tried to use to receive life and love and satisfaction. It is getting real about every emotion, feeling and belief we have stuffed, ignored, suppressed or tried to deny or escape from. We finally become fully honest and transparent and hopeless, realizing that our only source for any sense of value and love must come directly to our heart from God alone.

It is not about a focus on achieving perfection and forcing ourself to overcome every sin like many of us have grown up to believe. It is about embracing our guilt, our pain and facing our lies about God and about ourself full face. It is only at that point that we can fully appreciate the totality of our hopelessness and bankruptcy and full embrace His grace and rest completely in His righteousness alone to redeem us.