Internal Parent Voices

Why do I argue with myself internally so much? Voices from my Dad, my SS teachers and Bible instructors and often leaders in very conservative and sometimes independent religious ministries. Most of them are insistent that I believe what they know to be “truth”. They have impressive arrays of texts and quotations amassed to fortify their positions and ward off any and all dissent. They usually have some degree of a dogmatic spirit which demands complete submission to their conclusions due to their exhaustive research. They infer that they are the final authority on their subject because of the years spent refining their strong opinions, but of course they will bristle with indignation if you use that word. They generally present themselves as the voice of God that is not to be argued with but humbly accepted and repeated without serious questions.

Yes, that is a pretty accurate description of the type I remember and still run into once in awhile. Some of you are familiar with what I am talking about. Of course there are plenty of similar types in the political and social world – religion does not have a corner on strong-willed types who feel they have nothing more to learn. It is now their job as retainers of consummate “truth” to force their views and beliefs and lifestyles on as many as possible before they lose their influence or position.

So how does that relate to the voices in my head that I find myself often having heated debates with? Well, I learned some more things not long ago in a book called All My Children. It is the story of a couple back in the 60's, both psychiatric nurses, who ended up taking schizophrenics into their own home and successfully “re-parenting” them from where they were stuck in very early maturity by taking them through the process of growing up correctly. They used the principle proposed by Eric Berne and developed as the concept of “transactional analysis”.

Very simply explained, TA asserts that inside all of us there are three different “selfs” or what they call “ego states”: the parent ego, the adult ego and the child ego. These three entities are dialogging with each other inside of each of us and we also relate to those around us from one of these states at any point in time. We can quickly switch from one state to another depending on the situation and what is going on internally.

The problem that this couple observed in these sick “children” was that the “parent” ego inside their head was so distorted and out of whack that they could not live in peace or function like “normal” people around them. What was needed was for them to have that messed up parent image in their minds erased as much as possible and replaced with a completely new image of what a parent would act like. And since that part of the brain learns by mentoring and observation and not by instruction, they had to literally experience being parented correctly through many various circumstances to imprint a new model of thinking into their brains and memories.

The story is really quite amazing and encouraging though it has also stirred up intense controversy and opposition since it was published. It has also spawned some rather radical extreme imitations that I believe may have taken some of the legitimate insights learned from this story and mingled them with unsound abusive methods and marred the reputation of the original success accomplished by this couple.

The reason I find this so interesting is that I realized that is the same thing I have struggled with most of my life. Even though all these authority figures in my life have passed on and are not longer in my face, they are actually still here because they inserted themselves into my brain where they cannot be so easily displaced as they can be externally. In fact, they have become false gods that dictate and create arguments with the part of me that is discovering more truth and excitement in the true beauty and compassion of God. The real truth about God and how He relates to me is almost always at odds with these voices both from the past and some from the present. So every time I am presented with positive truth in the present these “parent egos” in my head raise a ruckus and I have my energy spent trying to justify what should be easy to believe and enjoy.

What I really need and want is to experience this wonderful process of re-parenting where I could mentor under a wise and loving couple who reflect the true nature of God and show me what that looks like under many different situations. I realize that many of us crave this very same thing and are very sad that it seems so impossible. But somehow I also believe that it is in God's plan to do this very thing. We were built to learn this way. The story in this book demonstrated quite amazingly that it is not only possible but is very powerful and can have wonderful results. But as this couple learned, it has to take place in a home environment with family dynamics and everyday relationships where real-life conflicts can be re-modeled and mature leaders can pass on their wisdom and character to grow others into like maturity. This is not something that works well in an institutional environment if it is even possible at all.

I do not know what God has in mind along these lines for my life. Maybe I am just being made aware of my need first so that when the opportunity is presented to me I will be more willing to participate without undue resistance. Ironically I find myself placed at the other end of the spectrum with younger damaged souls looking to me for mentoring and putting me into high stress situations to see how a person should act so they can correct their own messed up “parent” image. Of course I feel very inadequate in these situations and wonder how long it will take for me to grow up so I can better love the growing number of “kids” in my family. I guess God has a lot more work to do and I have a lot more growing to do.

Back to the arguments that I often discover going on in my head when I read or try to enter into genuine worship or even try to bond at deeper levels with other people. As I become more aware of the existence of these false gods asserting themselves, as I increase my awareness in real time that it is happening again, I also feel more empowerment to not just try to refute their logic but to order them to stop speaking. For I've noticed that no matter how many years I have presented clear reasons why the wonderful new truths about God and about life are actually true, these false voices are never swayed in their beliefs – not unlike the people in real life from where they came from. Arguing and plain facts have no influence on restraining these arguments. I am starting to learn that it is no longer an issue of what is true so much as it has become an issue of authority and control of my soul.

It is true that I need “parent” voices in my head to check my “child” ego impulses that may be out of line or immature. I want to keep a mind open to learning and growing and that is not smug in a dogmatic assumption that I have nothing more to learn or that my beliefs are not subject to re-examination. I have seen too many people like that and it makes me sad, for I see they are unwilling to challenge the lies embedded in their views, particularly about God, that keep them from experiencing greater levels of joy.

But these false gods that have embedded themselves into the “parent” part of my psyche are really counterfeit parents that want to perpetuate the lies of the past and have no interest in my growth and maturity. The spirit associated with them is always stifling, dogmatic and oppressive. They are very restrictive and demand blind conformity to artificial rules and strict external standards. They are clearly false gods insinuating themselves as conscience and demanding conformity and compliance.

So again I go back to the promise of God in Ezekiel and trust Him to fulfill His word in me. "Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. "I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will be careful to observe My ordinances." (Ezekiel 36:25-27)

So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth; It will not return to Me empty, Without accomplishing what I desire, And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it. (Isaiah 55:11)

Imagination Antenna

This morning I woke up very early from a bad dream about violence and force. As I lay there I realized more how much the paradigms of the dark side are influencing me in deception. The dark system offers two apparent alternatives but leads to the same end. Indeed, we are not just eating from the Tree of Knowledge, we are living among the branches, and they feel very much like spiderwebs increasingly tightening their stranglehold over our souls and minds.

I am offered – no, pressured – to experience “good” and evil. The evil is not quite so hard to figure out, or so it seems. Or maybe it too is sometimes so subtle that I don't realize I am immersing myself in it. My penchant for assuming ill motives by others upon hearing about any problem is not only dwelling on evil but can even be producing it. Allowing my heart to be terrorized by stories of atrocities and abuse by those in power is part of evil. Do those things really happen, are they true? I'm sure many of them are, and they are impossible to avoid some of the time. But my choice to gravitate toward those things, to dwell on those things, to feed on them and distribute them perpetuates the atmosphere of fear which is exactly what they were intended to produce. By allowing them priority in my imagination I become an unwitting agent for their distribution and amplify their power.

The other choice from this tree is what is, by contrast, better than the evil and often labeled good. These are the things, activities, relationships etc. that give me pleasure that distracts my attention from the ill feelings I want to avoid from all the evil in the world. They are also used very often to glaze over the attachment pain I am unwilling or seem unable to face. There is certainly no end to this list and it is shaped to fit my culture and personality. Entertainment in all its myriad forms is the primary medium for much of this “good”. I notice how much I and everyone around me try to justify and rationalize our heavy addictions to this area of our life, either to ourselves or publicly. It is very true that immersing my mind into a movie will easily mask the pain and fears in my life for a period of time just like a drug can. It also consumes hours of time that I am not investing in deepening important relationships that are suffering atrophy. I have noticed that the internal but usually unspoken inducement suggested to entice me to watch yet another video with my family or friends is the idea that in doing so we are doing something together and thereby bonding. Of course, it never seems to produce stronger bonds with each other after the fact. The only bonds that are obviously strengthened are our attachments to the heroes and villains on the screen and our increased desire for yet another "fix". These have become major false gods that further dictate how we think, act and relate.

I was impressed this morning of another reason my imagination is so important to guard and nurture in the things of heaven. I believe my imagination, that part of my brain that can piece together ideas, pictures, concepts and inspiration, is like a living antenna that was designed originally to receive communications from heaven. It is one of the important elements of my receiving apparatus to pick up and decipher signals from the supernatural. Being a living organism and not just a static antenna, it continuously grows and adapts toward the configurations needed for the signals that it is most used for. It increases its ability to fine-tune itself to the signals that it becomes accustomed to receiving and filters out conflicting signals and information. It works in conjunction with other parts of the brain that are used to decode the incoming signals and interpret them in the light of previous information, beliefs and the influence of whatever spirit is controlling us at the time.

When I submit my imagination to be manipulated by the gods of Hollywood or Disney, the tendrils of the antenna will grow and adapt to the criteria and values promoted by those gods. But at the very same time my antenna is becoming more and more limited in its ability to easily pick up messages from the True Reality. I become more and more stunted in my spiritual life while enjoying more and more the pleasures and the drugging effects of the various mixed messages received from the dark side. Simultaneously I am also discounting the effect this is having on me and rationalizing my choices to myself, to others and even to God.

The immense danger in this is like the danger in building a house on the sand instead of on the rock. There appears to be no problems until the intense times come and then it is too late for proper construction. I have to take it on faith now that choosing to abstain from many things that everyone around me considers benign and recommendable is actually in my long-term best interest.

Even so, I can often notice the effects almost immediately on my ability to hear the things of heaven. I have noticed that if I keep my imagination guarded and protected the delicate receivers began to pick up more clearly the excitement and joy and healing love that permeates all of heaven's atmosphere. The Bible begins to come much more alive to me as I am able to experience the guidance of the Holy Spirit more readily. I start to experience more hunger for God and more desire to link my heart with others who are on the same quest. It is not far into this experience that in a moment of dullness or boredom I am again enticed into what is often billed as an innocent pleasure and my delicate imagination antenna receives a round of clipping and redirection that leaves me rehashing the latest scenarios embedded into my mind by enchanting gods that want to keep me under their control.

This all seems so silly and exaggerated. That completely depends from what side of the issue you observe it from. It is either viewed as fanatical and extreme and over-religious, or it is possibly a real and intense warfare for the entrance to my soul. One thing is becoming clear – my imagination, the equipment I received from the original designer, is a crucial point of focus in this war. It starts to make a lot more sense the warnings about the time coming when the Holy Spirit will be poured out on many all around us without us ever realizing it is happening. If my equipment has been tuned by practice into the frequencies of the world, either good or evil, I will not be tuned correctly to hear the messages beamed to the whole earth from the Deliverer on His way to finish the battle. However, it is also my privilege to live in full surrender to the light and have my receiver fine-tuned to it's highest capacity so that it will be ready to be linked together with thousands of other receivers when the time is full. I can learn now to live from my heart and allow myself to be led by the Spirit and die to my “flesh”. It all pivots on my power to choose who I will serve and believe in.

Living in my spirit

The last couple mornings as I was waking up it seems that I was hearing more clearly with my heart than before. I am starting to be more aware, both of what is going on in that realm and of what is important and not important. The heart realm is where the kingdom of God is lived. It involves very different values and emphasis and perception. It is where God reveals Himself and reveals truth.

I am just starting to perceive the difference between the two worlds. I suppose I will be saying that for a long time as I have already been feeling that for quite awhile. I seems that my perceptions of heart realities often soaks into my mind a bit too late. My life-long training to react in the context of the material oriented world rooted firmly in the externals constantly interferes with my perceptions and desires to live from my heart.

Living from the heart requires very different skills and mental equipment. It operates from different assumptions about others and about myself. I am beginning to understand much more why Jesus said the things He did and why they can never make sense while living in the material external-based reality that the world operates under. I have even seen how the attitudes of our spirits affect not only those around us but also the animals and who knows what else. I am beginning to see how much I am steeped in the use of force in the habits of my spirit without realizing it and how that replicates itself around me causing problems and pain.

Writing these things is somewhat of a problem for me. Writing involves translating from one realm to another and a lot can be lost in translation, especially since reading is another process of translation than is based on the readers internal dictionary of perceptions and meanings that is necessarily different than the one used by the writer. So the writer not only is translating from the feeling, emotion, spirit environment within his own soul to the external, rule-controlled artificial world but he has to find terms that he hopes will be used by others to reverse translate the symbols called words from the external world saturated by the values of the unholy trinity back into ideas and feelings that might somewhat resemble the ideas and emotions and beliefs that he is trying to communicate.

In reality this is impossible to do with a high degree of accuracy. Spirits were created to communicate with spirits directly which is far more efficient than all the multiple translating involved in writing or even in speaking. But sometimes some of the message leaks through in spite of all the potential for misunderstanding. I like what a famous German theologian, Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote about this in The Cost of Discipleship. He said that we can never really know another person directly. But Jesus knows every one of us perfectly and completely. It is only when we listen to another while at the same time listening in our spirit intently to what Jesus communicates to us about them that our spirits can connect and bond with each other in truth.

Forgiveness is one of the underlying assumptions that is necessary for us to better communicate with each other and understand others even if they are not like-minded with us. When I live in a constant state of forgiveness, not just as a choice some time after an offense which often involves a great struggle to let go of all the accompanying baggage of bitterness and resentment, but when I can live with a mind-set of forgiveness that never allows anything to stick in the first place, I am then equipped much better to not be blinded to what is really happening in someone else's soul in real time. A spirit of continuous forgiveness keeps my heavenly glasses clean so I can see reality without the fog of anger or the mud of resentment clouding my vision.

The attribute of rest in my spirit is an antidote for the addiction to force. Force is one of the primary facets of the kingdom of Satan and the economy of the world. It has permeated every one of us to some degree or another and poisons all our relationships. It is the close companion of fear which is also the primary instrument employed by the dark side. But when I am at peace in my heart and know that I am abiding safely under the shadow of the Almighty; when I choose to rest in my spirit denying my urges to take things into my control and make things happen or people operate according to my personal wishes, then I can be free from the blinding influence of force and cease to bear false witness about my Heavenly Father who never uses force. Our addiction to the use of force to accomplish what we consider good or even what we consider to be in God's best interest is an affront to the reputation of God. Centuries of this practice in the name of Christianity does not make it any more Godly. Force has no place in God's economy and should not be a part of my life. But I will likely continue to practice various forms of force in areas of my life where I have not yet released control to the sovereignty of my Redeemer until I grow into a deeper trust of His love for me.

Living from the heart Jesus gives me requires receiving constant life and energy through my spirit abiding in Him and led by the Holy Spirit. These words are so entangled in worn-out religious jargon that most, including myself, have little concept of the overwhelming freedom and power they truly represent. Learning to live in this way involves the process of maturing which takes time, mistakes and mentoring. Most of the places where the Bible refers to perfection and being perfect would be actually more accurately translated mature according to the original language. This has greatly reduced the misconceptions and guilt and fears surrounding much of my confusion about perfection heaped on my during my formative years. In fact, most of the things I learned at the heart level were somehow skewed creating a lot of damage in my soul and a lot of lies about God. Not all the facts were necessarily wrong, but it was more the spirit in which they were taught that caused my mind to misinterpret them and create a fearful image of God in my mind.

Fear always distorts truth. Force always violates freedom. Condemnation is a counterfeit for conviction. External behavior modification parades as repentance. Technical verification and an obsession for proof-texting often preempts and trumps a meek and humble spirit. Love is the embodiment of all other aspects involved in living from the heart. The Kingdom of Heaven operates totally on the basis of love and love alone. It involves living more in the spirit than in our left-brain intellect. It puts us back into the delicate balance both internally and socially that we were created to thrive in and enjoy. “But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.” (1 Corinthians 13:13)

Heart/Mind Imbalance

This morning I again wake up with a movie hangover, a hijacked imagination. As my mind launched into the familiar routine of looking for reasons, explanations and possible solutions I realized that maybe that activity itself may be a diversion. I was reminded of the verse, “Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life. (Proverbs 4:23) We are created to function, to live our life on at least two major levels – the heart and the mind. There is also the spirit but it so far is hard to quantify as to where it fits in though it may be more important than the others or is at least more powerful.

I have known for some time that a large part of humanity's problem is our imbalance in our emphasis on one of these areas. I came from the culture of over-emphasis on the intellectual, the mind. The last few years I am becoming aware both of the existence of my heart and of my spirit. But my ingrained habits steer me back to trying to figure things out and formulating a solution for every problem.

The thought occurred to me this morning in light of this text that the intellectual concepts may be very important and useful to understand but are often powerless to infuse lasting changes into my life because of the lack of coordination from the area of my heart and my spirit. I have certainly seen many people who were frustratingly solution oriented and constantly babbling about their theories and what everyone should do to fix their lives but who seemed clueless as to how to actually live from their own heart and be real. Of course it is always easier to see my problems in someone else's life and this is likely true here as well.

To risk another analyzation event by my over-exercised left brain, it does seem to be an insight from this verse that our heart is the source in our life from which the rest of us receives the vital power called life that makes for lasting change in direction and habits and character. The heart operates much differently than the intellectual mind and as yet is not well understood by me. The heart certainly involves my emotions but is much bigger than that. It also is strongly affected by decisions and acts of faith-motivated obedience. There is repeated references to this that I have noticed particularly in the devotional book My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers.

So what does this mean for my current struggle. I feel convicted that my repeated choices are keeping me in a state of double-mindedness which may quite likely be blocking me from receiving life through my heart. Though God is the only source of life, my heart is the entryway through which that life flows into and through me. When my loyalties are divided between God and the world, my flesh is siphoning off the incoming life to appropriate to and energize its desires and plans ahead of my spiritual welfare. The “flesh” in me is very much a parasite consuming the life given to me by God for itself ahead of my real self's welfare.

Yes, there are two “selves” inside me – my flesh, the part of me that feeds from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, and the other self, the heart and identity that God implanted in me that must be fed from the Tree of Life. Since all life only comes from God, then the cancer-like “flesh” part of my soul drains off and starves the healthy part of me that God wants to thrive. It is a struggle to the death for one or the other. As long as I try to allow and encourage and feed both sides for the “benefits” I want to enjoy from both, the flesh will always outmaneuver the “spirit” and, just like physical cancer, will ultimately win the fight for my destiny. The only hope for me is total eradication of the cancerous cells through strong medication and treatment by God to eliminate my double-mindedness – my attempts to accommodate both identities.

This is what the Bible calls dying to self. This must happen at the heart level, not the intellectual level. Trying to endlessly analyze and conceptualize while avoiding the real heart work is the most effective decoy to keep us from eternal life. I feel uncomfortable to some extent even putting this down in writing as the process of writing more often engages my intellectual than my heart. But it does seem to be helpful to use writing as a means of reporting what is happening at my heart level for purposes of feedback and solidification. The intellectual is not useless or bad, it is just often over-dominant and disruptive when allowed to be independent from guidance from the spirit and heart.

Why I Left Half the Dishes

As I was standing at the sink washing dishes this morning I fell into one of my thinking habits, you know, the one called WHY. I am forever trying to figure out and make sense of why we do things the way we do, why we relate to each other in the dysfunctional ways that continue to annoy us but we can't seem to change or find better ways of thinking and speaking. I realize that one problem is that our actions and words are usually only symptoms of deeper realities that, at first glance, don't appear to be related to what is currently going on. When we can uncover the deeper pain and address the unmet needs that haunt us from inside much of our external symptoms will change on their own. But the why question still persists. Of course the obvious is true – I haven't dealt with most of the underlying stuff yet. But I want to understand why certain reactions are so predictable. Will understanding them cause them to change? Well that is another good question I can't answer yet. For instance, while I was washing the large pile of dirty dishes left over from the last round of holiday feasting the urge came to me to just wash the dishes, glasses and silverware and leave the big pans and large miscellaneous items for someone else to finish. Now I'm sure I can already predict what others are thinking right now if they are reading this. “What a bloke! How can you be so lazy? Why don't you just do all the dishes instead of leaving half of them for someone else?” Well, that's just what I'm talking about. Why is it that I can predictably garner more animosity by voluntarily doing over half the dishes and leaving some unwashed than by doing none at all? It's the half-empty glass syndrome. I realize that I do the same thing to others. When someone tries to do something and it doesn't measure up I tend to have a critical eye on how it could have been better instead of starting with an attitude of gratitude and expressing appreciation. This springs out of the atmosphere of shame and force that most of us are so familiar with. In this case the person wondering why I did only half a job would somehow believe that making me feel shamed for my decision would somehow motivate me to be more industrious. Somehow that has never been a positive inspiration for me. It usually causes me to determine to just leave the dishes dirty next time so I can avoid being condemned again. I might receive flak about never being helpful but it will be less intense than being criticized for trying to partially helpful. Of course this is just one of many illustrations of the same kind of thing. Most of us are familiar with these scenarios and are probably both victims and perpetrators involved with them. As I thought about what undergirds these predictable interactions of dysfunctionality it seemed to me to be the familiar weapon of force. We believe that shame, anger, disgust, demeaning remarks will create enough inward pain to force another to conform to our desires for their behavior changes. Sometimes it may produce those external changes but always at the cost of loss of healthy bonding. We are creating fear bonds instead of love bonds, and fear bonds produce dysfunctional relations and behaviors. So what did I do this morning? Believe it or not, I left the rest of the odd-sized, over-sized dirty items for someone else to do just because I wanted to exercise my freedom to do so and to see if the predicted reactions would indeed play out again. Yes I might be the one who ends up doing them later. But I also have the freedom to stop and do something else I deem more important right now. I do not want to allow in “parent” inside of my head to be dictator and shame me any more than I want my wife or children to do it to me from the outside. I want to be valued whether I do this dishes or not. And isn't that what grace is all about?