Revealing Opposites in Romans 1

Today I spent some time extracting what I see as parallel opposites that help explain each other in Romans 1 along with context explanations of words and phrases. I particularly was interested in exploring what the word “glory” might mean. These are all things taken directly from the text.

What is glory?

Descriptive of the incorruptible God.

Opposite of an image.

Images come in the form of corruptible man, birds, 4-legged creatures, reptiles.

(Man is the image of God, a reflector of His glory)

This is a movement from higher intelligence to lower and from higher physical position to the lowest.

An image causes lust in the heart to impurity. (Opposite of lust for purity)

Impurity causes dishonor of the body. (Opposite of honor for the reflected image)

Opposite of releasing them, giving them over. (Presumes a previous attachment)

Synonymous with the truth of God vs. the lie.

Opposite of worshiping and serving the created.

Worship and service of the Creator who is blessed forever.

Opposite of degrading passions. (Uplifting passions)

Natural function of the woman. (Listed “for woman” in reference to both women and men.)

Opposite of men burning with desire for other men. (Desire for women?)

Opposite of committing indecent acts with resulting penalties.

Acknowledgment of God.

Opposite of a depraved mind.

Opposite of doing things which are not proper.

Opposite of being filled with the following attributes:

unrighteousness

wickedness

greed

evil

envy

murder

strife

deceit

malice

gossip

slander

hating God

insolence

arrogance

boastfulness

inventing evil

disobedience of parents

without understanding

untrustworthy

unloving

unmerciful

More than just knowing the ordinance of God.

Opposite of giving hearty approval to those who practice these evils.

(More clues for glory going the opposite direction in the chapter starting at verse 22 backwards)

Knowing God AND honoring Him and giving thanks.

Opposite of becoming futile in speculations.

Opposite of foolish and darkened heart.

Opposite of professing to be wise and becoming fools.

Evidence within us of what is known about God.

Invisible attributes of God

His eternal power.

Divine nature.

These have been clearly seen – they are understood through what is made (creation).

Opposite of suppressed truth through unrighteousness.

Opposite of ungodliness.

The gospel.

The power of God for salvation.

Power to everyone who believes (in order of foreknowledge of Him)

God's righteousness.

God's faith that inspires man's faith that he can live by.

Contrasts in Romans 1:

Righteousness of God vs. wrath of God revealed.

Known evidence about God clearly seen and understood vs. futile speculations and suppression of the truth.

God is revealed vs. foolish darkened hearts.

Wise vs. fools.

Worship of higher Creator vs. worship of lower creatures.

Glory vs. image.

Incorruptible God vs. corruptible man, birds etc.

Honor for God vs. dishonor of their own bodies.

The truth of God vs. THE LIE.

Eager to preach the gospel vs. degrading passions and burning with lust.

Feeling under obligation to serve vs. committing indecent acts.

Truth vs. deceit.

Faith vs. lust.

Invisible attributes vs. image in (visible) forms.

Serving in the spirit of the gospel vs. professing to be wise

Longing to see you to impart some spiritual gift vs. lusts of the heart to impurity and burning with homosexual desires.

Evidence of God within them vs. darkened heart.

Obtaining fruit (for God) vs. exploiting others for lust.

Knowledge of God vs. foolish “wisdom”.

Thanking God (8) vs. not giving thanks (21)

Natural function of women vs. unnatural function in homosexual desires.

Salvation (restoration) vs. depraved mind.

Just living by faith vs. professing to be wise.

Encouraged together with you by each other's faith vs. practicing sins worthy of death and giving hearty approval to those who also practice them while knowing the ordinance of God.

Obedience of faith (5) vs. disobedience to parents.

Received grace and apostleship vs. receiving due penalty of their error.

(Obedience for) His name's sake vs. haters of God.

Unashamed of the gospel vs. committing indecent (shameful) acts.

Beloved of God vs. haters of God.

(next in series)

Why Questions?

What are questions for? This came to my mind and the immediate ideas needed to get captured so I could review them later and think about them more.

I thought about the questions that God asked in the Garden after our parents sinned. I remembered how Jesus so often responded to questions with His own questions. From the context of thinking about things more from a heart perspective I found this very fascinating and revealing.

Quite obviously God does not need to ask questions to get information that He does not already completely know about. On the other hand that is the main reason we ask questions, isn't it? Or maybe I am showing my male bias here. I have been learning that women, generally speaking, dialog primarily to explore their feelings together more than to gather information. Men tend to be more solution oriented and want to collect facts for the purpose of compiling an answer to an exposed problem to dispense with it and move on. This is a source of much misunderstanding between the sexes particularly in marriages much of the time. It is also well addressed by the Love and Respect seminars put on by the Eggerich's which I recommend.

But what does questioning reveal about the questioner? And by this time you may be wondering what all these questions might be revealing about me. That too is probably a very valid question.

I am starting to see two distinct categories of questions that are not so much always distinguishable in the wording of the questions but in the spirit of the questioner. This is because of the difference between a person living primarily from their head/left brain and one who is living more from their heart/right brain.

I think a very good example of this is some of the very first questions found in history. After Adam and Eve sinned and suddenly felt overwhelmed with shame and guilt, God came along and began asking questions. Now, what you assume about this situation is greatly affected by several factors such as what you believe God is like and what His motives were for His questioning. If you assume that He was there to interrogate them, intensify their guilt and make sure they understood how bad they had been, then you are definitely living from an external-oriented religion no matter whether you profess to be religious or not.

On the other hand, if you see a God full of emotion and anguish reaching out to repair a ruptured heart relationship with two of His favorite children, then maybe you are on the road to understanding what the kingdom of heaven is really about.

When a person is more interested in heart connections than in external compliance and conformity, then their questions will be designed and their voice and body expressions will convey a deep desire to draw out the heart and affections of the other person being addressed. The questions will not be just about finding out things, though as humans that is necessary since we cannot know hearts as God can, but they will also be used to explore the real condition of the other person's heart. A person who lives from their heart always wants to connect more deeply with other hearts – that's just what hearts are designed for.

But when a person is still caught in the trap of being locked out of their own heart for whatever reason, they will tend to relate to others on a mostly information-based level or will tend to move toward a more condemning position that will further shut down or damage other hearts. The questions in this situation will be fishing for information that will likely be used for or against the other person later on.

This brings me to the difference between “judgment” vs. “condemnation”. True judgment (contrary to what many of us assumed from our upbringing) is simply a revealing outwardly of an inward condition. Condemnation, in contrast, is an imposition of shame, an intensifying of guilt feelings and an enhancing of the environment of fear. None of these things are in the heart of God and He does not operate to bring those things into our lives. Those are lies and death-producing techniques that Satan has developed to destroy the heart relationships that God desires to have with us and for us to share with each other.

This flows right into the common analogy of light and darkness so often mentioned in the Bible. When a person is trying to connect with the heart, their questions will be an attempt to bring that heart out into the light so that healing and understanding and bonding can take place in the warm atmosphere of the light of truth. But when a heart is locked down under the tyranny of left-brain a religion/philosophy/lifestyle way of thinking, then it will always be afraid to come to the light. That fear is justified by its belief that coming to the light of exposure will only result in more damage, more pain and more shame. Since our hearts are not wired to enjoy those kinds of things and does not desire them, a person who does not believe that the questioner has his best interest in mind will continue to hide deeper and deeper under a shell of self-defense and darkness. And if the questioner is more interested in the externals and in appearances than in restoring peace and love to the heart, then the other person who is afraid has good reason to continue to retreat deeper into his fears and hiding mechanisms even though those activities will further deepen his isolation and pain.

This brings to mind another problem that I have observed. I have repeatedly seen people who observe the wonderful results of a person who knows how to truly live from their heart working with another who is struggling in that direction. After getting excited about the tremendous potential of bringing relief and healing to others, these observers attempt to do the same work by carefully analyzing and trying to copy what they saw the first person do. They study the example very carefully, they create charts or complex analysis of the data, the techniques or any other of a multitude of tools that can be hypothesized and condensed from their study. Then they try to carefully copy the example, often turning it into a training program that they then “sell” to others and detail the parameters that they have set up for “success”.

But as many of us sadly realize, after awhile these programs prove to be inadequate to reach hearts effectively like the original demonstrations produced and more people line up with new programs and techniques to replace the old ones and everyone jumps on the next bandwagon to success. Does this sound familiar? I have seen it happen over and over and it will continue till the end of time. This is because simply copying the external “formulas” created by observing someone living from their heart never works well because the most important element has been left out and overlooked. Copying the questions word for word that work so effectively when used by a person of the heart does not produce the same results when used in the sterile environment of externalism.

By no means at all do I claim to know a lot about this subject. I have spent most of my life living on the “external” side of this issue and only recently have become more aware of the heart side. I am just beginning to even be more aware of my own heart and am even less skillful at working with the hearts of others. But I am becoming more and more aware of the vital significance of not only living from my heart but relating to others at a heart level more than any other level. It does not mean that information, facts and external are not important at all. It is just that when I allow them to eclipse the greater importance of staying relational and connected at the heart level I am back into activities and misunderstandings that cause more damage that later has to be addressed as well.

So how do I learn how to use questions to connect at the heart level? How do I learn to explore and encourage and heal with my words? Even more important, how do I get my body language and voice tone and facial expressions to synchronize with my hearts desires to bond in healthy relationships with other hearts? I know there are a lot of people who know me asking the same questions about me. So many questions – but how are they asked and what will they be used to accomplish?

Unpacking Wrath More

It is of quite considerable interest to me to understand and explore the meaning and implications of the phrase “wrath of God revealed” (Rom. 1:18). I have been discovering the real truth about God's wrath for several years now and have even devoted a blogsite for collecting my findings on it. This truth about God is radically challenging much of my own belief system and has greatly improved my attitude toward Him. I really believe that as the truth about this subject becomes more and more exposed throughout the world that the glory of God will fill the earth as spoken of in Revelation 18. So it is with great interest that I want to take plenty of opportunity to see what God Himself has to say about this in the context immediately surrounding a place where He says it is revealed. I do not wish to become dogmatic or confrontational about the subject, but I do want to really grasp its significance and allow it to transform my heart much more as the truths about God become more evident and clear in my own consciousness.

As I meditate and consider the various words and phrases surrounding this text, I am looking for clues and connections that will lead like threads of gold to new insights. One method I use in my study is to condense sentences into their most compact form to more clearly see what is may be saying, since my mind can sometimes become easily confused with too many descriptives, adjectives etc. Then I also like to go back and check with the original language to find further clues that may expose even more hidden details and suggestions.

As I am looking at this sentence which includes v. 18 and 19 I find that the operative key words seem to come down to this – The wrath of God is revealed against men... who suppress the truth...because....

What my mind is grasping for is another analogy that depicts an obvious force, like the strength of a mighty river, that is being resisted. I recently used the analogy of a river for white-water rafting or tubing in the context of God's love and passion. Because I firmly believe that God's passionate love is really one and the same as what is interpreted as His wrath my fallen beings, that analogy still works very well. One does not necessarily notice the immense power of the current until they try to resist it.

That is the situation that I see emerging from these two verses. It is stated the truth being suppressed is evident within them and verse 20 expands that to say that it is also evident outside of them in all of creation. So when a person attempts to resist the obvious (like trying to conjure up rational excuses for evolution) they find themselves in intense resistance to self-evident truth. Living in that kind of lie requires tremendous amounts of denial and effort to justify and shore up untenable positions which is exactly what most of the world is doing today. It is almost a description of the classic question, “what happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object?” I think we may have just found the answer right here – the wrath of God is revealed. The laws of physics, which God invented in the first place, states that resistance produces heat. Given enough heat the elements composing that resistance will melt and disintegrate and “self-destruct”. Where does the blame lie? Well, that answer depends largely on how much you are resisting the real truth about God yourself. If one insists on clinging to the angry, vengeful God model of believing, then they will insist that the fault lies with God, that He runs out of patience and “gets even” with His enemies and explodes in (human style) wrath, torturing anyone who resists His overtures of affection for them.

This belief system is one of the most diabolical and heinous lies about God that Satan has ever invented. It is strongly promoted by nearly every world religion and assumed to be “gospel” truth by most Christians. Yet this teaching about God's character has caused more souls to turn away in sickening disgust from trusting themselves to God than possibly any other scheme of the Devil. No matter what version or variation of this belief we hold, if it includes believing that God's “wrath” is a reflection of sinful human wrath then we are attempting to force our view of God into our own image.

The very activity of teaching these ideas I believe is the suppression of the self-evident truth about God described in this passage. If this passage is to be understood, then we have to discover in the context clues as to what truth is being suppressed that causes the wrath of God to be revealed.

It is necessary to challenge the common assumption that the word “against” generally produces. The common belief is that it is God-initiated as well as a reflection of human-type wrath. When this assumption is allowed to go unchallenged we are already well down the road of misunderstanding and resisting the truth about God's character and personality, so we need to carefully consider what else this word may imply besides an angry God lashing out against homosexuals. Against can just as well be initiated by the resisters of God as well as from God's side of the relationship. So which side does the context reveal the resistance of “against” coming from?

It is extremely clear throughout the rest of the chapter and into the next that all of the resistance going on is coming from the side of sinners and not from God. God is simply being Himself, remaining consistent with “His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature”. He is an incorruptible God (23) so He cannot adapt to the faultiness that sin produces in those who were created originally in His image.

It is unrighteous people (opposite of righteous God) who suppress the truth, are without excuse, do not honor God or give thanks, profess to be wise but are fools, exchange the glory and truth of God for a lie, exchange natural function for unnatural and become filled with all the symptoms of unrighteousness described at the end of this chapter. And how does God respond to all of this? Does He get angry and thunder down condemnation on them? It simply states repeatedly that He gives them over to their choices and the natural consequences. The attribute that is revealed in these statements is more of a sad “releasing” of those who determinedly resist His love in contrast to a reactionary or arbitrary vengeance so often portrayed by religious philosophies. This is a most crucial truth that is foundational to correcting the lies about God and revealing the true righteousness of God to a confused and lost world frightened away from the very One who wants to save them.

If we do not want to be among those who are given over by God to the consequences of the lies of sin; if we do not want to be those who “exchange the glory of the incorruptible God for an image” of our own imagination that resembles the devil more than the truth about God, then we should take a serious look at accepting this beautiful truth about God that will liberate us from so many peripheral confusions and usher us onto the road to freedom in Christ.

(next in series)

Perfume Poured Out

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth-- for your love is more delightful than wine. Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the maidens love you! (Song of Solomon 1:2-3 NIV)

But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumphal procession, and through us spreads in every place the fragrance that comes from knowing him. For we are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing; to the one a fragrance from death to death, to the other a fragrance from life to life. Who is sufficient for these things? (2 Corinthians 2:14-16 NRSV)

I smelled the aroma of death and of life yesterday and this morning. It is that strange mingling of the two that challenges my heart to avoid the one and embrace the other. In the morning I attended a large church and was fading fast in my spirit through all the less than inspiring preliminaries so I made my way up to the video control room to touch base with people I used to work with and offer my services again. While up there I listened to the sermon and became deeply moved with both the message and the unusual passion with which it was delivered. It really connected with my heart and was needed and accepted.

In the afternoon I spent the rest of the day with one of my daughters and her friends. I found myself involved in discussions that were examining carefully some of their and my frustrations with how church or its alternatives are being carried out. We touched on a number of related subjects throughout the afternoon and I was trying at the same time to remain in awareness of the condition of my heart and spirit. At times in the intensity of my feelings during a discussion I find myself beginning to slip into a little bit of aggressiveness that begins to spoil the sweetness of the spirit that I want to maintain inwardly. I realize then that the mingling of aromas will send confusing messages to the hearts of others and I want to more carefully guard against being that kind of messenger.

I was blessed with the beginnings of heart connections with new people who I sensed shared some of the same desires and beliefs that I have. I tried to listen more openly to what different ones were sharing and try to pay attention to what their heart was trying to express behind their words. It is part of my effort to live more in awareness of the spirit realm and be more in touch with heaven's reality.

I ended the day with another heart-warming talk with a person very important in my life listening to their heart pains, their desires and their questions. I feel honored to be used at times as a channel of love, caring and blessing at these times and realize that in the process I receive strength, comfort and blessing myself. My heart feels more alive and synchronized at these times and I want to live that way more often and more consistently.

As I was waking up this morning I began talking with God about my feelings and listening to what He might have to share with my heart. It seemed more close and affectionate than usual and I lay there for awhile just enjoying the moments together. Later I opened my devotional book and the first text I read for today reminded me of something I had jotted down a few days ago and never finished putting together.

“Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.” (Ephesians 5:1-2 )

“Love was the element in which Christ moved and walked and worked. He came to embrace the world in the arms of His love. . . .” {SD 147}

Suddenly a number of things began to coalesce and I felt a picture of having the privilege of snuggling up on God's lap and kissing Him on the cheek while being hugged in His arms. My heart remembers that God is neither exclusively male or female but the ultimate expression of both depending on our needs. So to say “him” is strictly for the purpose of getting through the narrow limitations of language and cannot be used to define our relationship, particularly in this context.

It felt so comforting to be able to realize that God not only allows me to offer Him/Her my affections but deeply longs for me to become “addicted” to this relationship. This also felt relieving in that I do not feel guilty about these emotions like I would have a few years ago. My picture of God has been radically improving over my recent past allowing me to come closer to Him in intimacy in ways that would have frightened me not long ago. As I have chosen to believe and fill my mind with more truth about what He is really like I am less afraid to come closer in affectionate ways to Him and receive more of His affection for me.

Sometimes I feel reluctant to quote a number of texts to support what I am experiencing because of the bad taste I have experienced from so much proof-texting in my life and my church in the past. On the other hand I realize that linking my experience and my beliefs to the words that God has spoken will breath power into my experience that is inherent in His word as it springs to life in my heart. So when I use texts in these communications I am not trying to prove that what I am sharing is “right”, but I am simply relaying how these verses were a part of the process of God communicating His feelings, His thoughts and the truth about Himself to me.

As I pondered the exciting ideas in the first passage from Song of Solomon two main things caught my attention and drew it to a number of other places that God wanted me to think about. The first was the beauty of the smell, the intense attractiveness and lure of the perfume that is the essence of the presence of God. This perfume is a part of the identity of God and emerges in a number of interesting places and ways throughout the Bible. This perfume also appears to have opposite interpretations in the noses of those who smell it depending on what they believe about God, “to the one a fragrance from death to death, to the other a fragrance from life to life.” This ties directly into the parallel phrases about the righteousness of God revealed and the wrath of God revealed that I have been seeing in various places also.

This fragrance of God is linked very closely with the symbol of oil which was also used a great deal in the very instructive system of the sanctuary services. Oil is also a symbol of joy which is the source of our strength. That makes joy and perfume nearly synonymous which would make a lot of sense given what perfume is generally used for, especially in the context of the first verse quoted. Perfume “poured out” is here defined as an exhibition of God's “name”. That took my mind to a number of other verses that shed a lot of additional insight on this thought.

I remember at least two other places that talks about God and “pouring out”. The first was one of my favorite passages to camp out in over in Ezekiel 36. “Therefore I poured out my wrath on them for the blood which they had poured out on the land, and because they had defiled it with their idols; and I scattered them among the nations, and they were dispersed through the countries: according to their way and according to their doings I judged them. When they came to the nations, where they went, they profaned my holy name; in that men said of them, These are the people of Yahweh, and are gone forth out of his land. But I had regard for my holy name, which the house of Israel had profaned among the nations, where they went. Therefore tell the house of Israel, Thus says the Lord Yahweh: I don't do this for your sake, house of Israel, but for my holy name, which you have profaned among the nations, where you went. I will sanctify my great name, which has been profaned among the nations, which you have profaned in the midst of them; and the nations shall know that I am Yahweh, says the Lord Yahweh, when I shall be sanctified in you before their eyes.” (Ezekiel 36:18-23 WEB)

The other place that talks about “poured out” is in the words of Jesus at the last supper with His disciples as He shared the juice of the Passover service with them. He may very well have been thinking of the verse from Song of Solomon in His heart when He said, "This cup that is poured out for you is the new covenant in my blood.” (Luke 22:20) A covenant is the most intimate of relationships possible and is what marriage and the intimacy of sex is all about. Jesus was really opening His perfume bottle, His own body, containing the fragrance of God's name, His true identity, and offering it to us as an alluring attraction into the deepest intimacy of love with God that can ever be experienced. He did this by the breaking of His body (the perfume bottle) and the spilling out of His blood in His death for us (the full release of the fragrance of God's passionate love) so that we would drawn to desire God with the passion expressed in Song of Solomon 1:2-3.

As I soaked in these wonderful emotions from God I put on my headphones and listened to a song from the group Selah that has been so enriching for my heart many times. The music and the words lift me higher and closer into the presence of this sweet perfume.

"You Raise Me Up" When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary; When troubles come and my heart burdened be; Then, I am still and wait here in the silence, Until you come and sit awhile with me. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up... To more than I can be. There is no life, no life without its hunger; Each restless heart beats so imperfectly; But then you come, and I am filled with wonder; Sometimes I think, I glimpse eternity. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up... To more than I can be. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up... To more than I can be. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up... To more than I can be. You raise me up... To more than I can be.

Lyrics by Josh Groban

Reading the Unread

There's something strange and hard to describe going on in my mind when I go back and read posts that I have written. I have been trying to analyze the different feelings and symptoms that I can capture but I'm not sure that is all there is going on inside.

When I read them I often get the strong feeling that I don't recognize or remember those thoughts while at the same time it is familiar enough that part of me remembers enough of it to recognize that I was the one who wrote them. Actually I seldom go back and read them, which is a whole other set of emotions going on inside me. Again, part of me is almost astonished at what I am reading and I wonder why I don't read them more because they seem so applicable to practical life. And yet another part of me recoils at even thinking that way because is smacks so much of pride and arrogance which is one of the main reasons I find it difficult to go back and read them – it makes me feel guilty and accused for my false pride.

On the other hand, my pride seems more like a temptation than a reality because I am quite certain that many of the things I have written could not possibly have come from my own wisdom because I simply don't have that kind of capacity, so it must simply be some sort of expression of a little bit of God's thinking that He shares with me. But to think that also invokes my anti-pride sentinel which again sets off alarms about making claims that God is speaking through me and how arrogant and dangerous that must be.

Did I say this is all very complicated in my emotions and thinking? If you are confused by now I must be expressing myself somewhat accurately. Even putting this all down in writing seems a bit arrogant and presumptuous. But since it won't leave me alone and I promised one of my readers that I was going to post on this topic soon, I feel obliged to bare this part of my soul as well. I'm not sure that expressing this in the open will resolve these confusions or simply complicate them but here they are for whatever comes of them. If nothing else, I suspect that maybe I am not the only one struggling with these conflicting inner voices. I suppose that this is simply another attempt at being more open and honest about who I am and how I feel even if it is not terribly coherent or profound or tidy.

So, now that I have quickly covered the major items in this issue, let me start over at the beginning and maybe it will help clear my mind a little more. Part of me desires to go back and read many of the things that I have written simply for the refreshing of my mind of what I believe God has shared with me. I need reminding of many of these things and am often quite surprised that I have so quickly forgotten much of what I find there even in very recent posts. Of course there is the added advantage of finding all of the grammatical errors that need to be corrected. Unfortunately I very seldom edit anything I write except what I do on the fly. I seldom even reread it when I am finished and simply post it as is which sometimes can be confusing and not particularly accurate as to what I had in mind. This is partly due to lack of time and partly to the inspiration of the moment.

I find that I need to be somewhat inspired in some way to be able to write effectively. I need to have the emotions of the thoughts somewhere near the surface if not overflowing to be able to express myself more accurately. Even when I am writing about things I see emerging from immersion in the Word I need to at least have an initial insight as a catalyst to get me started. As I have written previously about this area, I usually find that the very act of writing seems to open up a channel in my mind and the thoughts and connections begin to flow quickly and I generally find myself just following them wherever they lead me without knowing where I may end up until I get there.

But this is not about writing but about reading it later. Maybe another reason I feel reticent to reread some of the things that are recorded is that I may feel guilty that I have forgotten so quickly things that seem so obviously associated with me since I am the one that wrote them. That may seem a little silly but that is how I feel. When I read these things I realize that anyone else who may have read them will assume that these thoughts define how I feel and believe all the time. That is where the internal confusion comes in. Since I can't remember many of these things immediately or maybe even at all, I am afraid that people will think I am two-faced or maybe even disingenuous. I secretly fear that someday someone will come up to me and start questioning me about things I have written and then become very disillusioned or even upset with me and judge me because I will not be able to recall or immediately connect with ideas that I have previously expressed. I suppose this is flushing out my fears of what people think about me and my lifelong issue of image management. Maybe people will think that I am not honest. That has been a hot-button issue for me most of my life for whatever reason.

Some time ago I was going through some old papers in my garage and came upon a paper written many years ago. As I read through it I became literally sick to my stomach and wondered who could have written such an attack on the things I feel so strongly about. Very slowly I began to sense that indeed it must have been myself that wrote this so many years ago when I was nearly diametrically opposite in many of my beliefs to what I am now. I was so sick about what I was reading that I threw the paper away so no one else would find it and become discouraged.

That brings up another concern that has lodged in my mind over the years. I have touched on this as well in previous posts. If I write about things that are still in incubation in my life and later I become quite different in my views I feel vulnerable having my previous ideas still available to be used “against” me in a way. I suppose this is a very common fear in many who write in this way, but I find them a part of my thoughts lurking in the shadows.

Some have confronted me about writing my thoughts and posting them on the web asserting that I am avoiding direct dialog with others in person by doing this. I will have to agree in that it does feel much safer to write very vulnerable things about my feelings and place them where there is very little chance of most people who know me ever reading them and talking to me about them. Not that I don't want to interact on this level with people. In fact, the very reason I have been doing this over the past few months is to jump start myself into being more open and honest and vulnerable in hopes that I could begin connecting to people on a deeper level. How that is going to happen through this medium I am not completely sure, but at least it is a beginning for me and so far I have had a few very satisfying conversations with one or two people as a result of their reading my blog. I have also met a few others who seem to have similar interests that I would likely never have met if not for this medium which have encouraged me at times.

I guess this is a step up from the many years that I simply wrote out my feelings in a notebook or on a pad when I could not contain them any longer and then simply slid them under my chair or hid them in a drawer never to be seen or read again. Many of those apparently have been lost over the years and in the various moves we have made and I sometimes wish I could go back and find them just to reacquaint myself with where I have come from.

I have been struggling with this post for a number of days now trying to squeeze out what is inside. After I finished my last attempt last night and went to bed it was like something opened up another cavity in my mind about this, something like an unexplored cave with important aspects I had not yet been able to uncover. The question came to my mind, “Who do you think these things you have written were intended for – you or other people 'out there'?”

Well, the conspicuous answer would not be others. If all these things were intended for others then I have been doing a great amount of avoidance and have an enormous ego thinking that I am the selected messenger for everyone else's edification. NOT! The almost exclusive reason I have written any of these things is to capture them externally so that I would not lose what I felt were important lessons and insights that God has entrusted to me for my own growth, nourishment and discipline. Any other benefits to anyone else looking in were strictly peripheral or incidental. Yes, sharing what has been going on inside my head offers the opportunity for others to connect with me at a deeper level which would be a wonderful blessing for me, but the thoughts and insights were not intended to instruct others, though many times I have to remind myself of that when I am tempted to apply convicting passages to others before myself.

Then the next impression exploded in my mind and I wondered why I had not thought of it much sooner in my attempt to unpack this subject. Maybe, it just might be in God's plan for me to use others who are interested enough to “read my mind” in my shared musings and have a sense of what is going on in my soul and watching my heart grow; just maybe, from their perspective and objectivity, God might use them at important times to remind me of who I really am when I forget myself.

One reason that I have been trying to gather together the various things I have been learning and experiencing is to discover my true identity. Since my mind is not sharp enough to recall all of these things in one nice big picture (I have a difficult time remembering what I wrote just yesterday) maybe God will use others who have more capacity and objectivity to see patterns and aspects about my identity that I cannot perceive from my viewpoint. Maybe God intends for my self-exposing communications to be a means of linking me into closer community relationships with others. And isn't that the real definition of what it means to live in true community?

By what I have been learning about the subject of living in community recently, this kind of living involves being much more open, honest, accepting and interdependent emotionally as well as physically and spiritually. It is an environment ideally where people care about each other and challenge each other in a spirit of kindness and compassion to grow, to face their fears in a safe circle of friends standing guard to protect their heart, and to give them extra capacity in times when they are overwhelmed and cannot see reality. It is an environment where genuine friends are always nearby to remind one of their true identity and affirm them in their growth and their gifts. These are friends to help expose the fact that much of what we have believed about ourselves is really based on our false identity displayed through our mistakes, our failures and our triggers. They remind us that these things do not define who we really are, that our externals do not often reflect the true heart that God implanted in us and designed for us to live from. That, to me, is what I have been learning (theoretically) about the meaning of community.

I have been hearing a lot of interested talk about community lately, but I have been also puzzled that many who eagerly discourse on this idea seem to often live in relative isolation, withdrawing into their private families to process their problems and try to hide their issues from others. I am certain there are plenty of very strong and valid arguments in favor of these actions, but in my mind it still seems to fly in the face of much of what they are claiming and promoting about community. So I still continue to keep my eyes open and my heart cautiously keeps peering around the corner to see if I might stumble onto a real demonstration of community that would be safe to participate in. I firmly believe that God fully intends for us to live much more openly and connectedly than most of us do now.

So – maybe I should go back and reread what I have written to remind myself of what God has been doing in my past and has been sharing with my heart. Maybe I should face my trepidations and see if they are valid or are just stumblingblocks that the enemy is trying to use to thwart me from growing more. Of course that takes time that has to be prioritized and removed from other activities. Maybe I have to learn to receive more graciously the reminders from others of who I really am as they see me through the eyes of heaven in ways I have difficulty seeing myself. That too, raises a certain amount of trepidation, but also anticipation as well. Maybe God is working at the grass roots level, even with the internet, to form and shape His family community through these communications. Maybe....