Examining the Heart of a Legalist

Romans 2:17-29. I keep reading this every day asking God to show me more of how this applies to me personally. It is so much easier to see how it applies to others in my family or church, but then I remind myself that what I see in others that needs urgent correcting is almost always my own issues that I am blind to seeing in myself very easily. I need the Holy Spirit to open my mind and heart with humility to receive the Word and the Spirit in the process of transformation. One thing I noticed this morning in this description is the fact that all of the activity described here about these good, religious people (17-21) is outbound. I have seen this symptom in my own family generationally and have to deduce that I am very susceptible to it myself even though I have tried to avoid it for many years. I have noticed a pattern in some people that it seems they come to a point where subconsciously they believe there is nothing more for them to learn except for maybe more proof formulas to beef up their defenses of “the truth”. I have heard the comment more than once in the back of a church where someone will say, “well, I don't need to hear these sermons anymore because I already know all the doctrines.” The point is that once a person thinks they have learned all the “facts” and learned to repeat the right answers that there is no more learning to do. I believe this assumption is far more widespread and pervasive than most us realize. It also seems that when this conclusion is arrived at that some people feel under strong obligation to continue to “serve God” and they subtly arrive at the idea that now their primary focus is on teaching others “the truth” and convincing others to conform to their view of doctrines and their spin on the Bible, life, God, etc. Oftentimes this also leads over time to a fixation on one point of doctrine that becomes an obsession for them that they feel compelled to convict everyone else over. Some even develop a very unique focal issue not found in general Christianity or at least out of proportion and become fanatical over that one point, finally believing that if others do not agree with them on this one point they cannot be saved in heaven. When this paradigm is boiled down to its core it appears to be based on the assumption that being saved is primarily a matter of the facts one believes and any “relationship” that might be involved is necessarily contingent on believing the “fact” that this person promotes as the critical one for salvation. These people, I have noticed, are no longer open to really learning anything new unless it supports and reinforces their established and entrenched arguments arranged around them like soldiers protecting their one core favorite “doctrine”. They seem to believe, but not openly, that they somehow have transitioned from learning about God to compelling others to view God and religion exactly in agreement with them or they cannot be open to having much of a relationship with them. They will seem to listen to other views for a time but then you come to realize that they were not listening with an open mind willing to learn or examine their previous assumptions but were only listening with attention to formulating how to present an even stronger argument to convince others that they are already right. The words here in Romans 2 are a very good description of what I have observed over the years. It becomes very frustrating to try to relate to this kind of person for sooner or later you realize that they are unwilling to really listen to anything you have to say if it is not already part of their entrenched “catechism” that they have produced in their own study. Conversation with them becomes only a one-way street at the deeper level and there is no easy entrance to enter into their hearts. They claim a name (just like the Jews), their rely on their knowledge of the Bible and either openly or subtly boast in their superior knowledge of God. They are sure they know what His will is and they are very diligent to assemble many texts, authoritative quotations and “foolproof” arguments to establish their position. They are very confident in their intellectual ability to guide those who can't see the doctrines the way they see them and they are sure they have a corner on “the light of truth”. They believe it is their responsibility to correct those who are so foolish as to not agree with their interpretations and that immaturity simply describes those who don't yet see their truth. They have now arrived at the point in their life where teaching is mainly a one-way street and they don't allow themselves to be taught if something goes against what they have already concluded. As I review all these things I am constantly reminded that though this is a major obstacle for this kind of person to accept anything that they disagree with, it is also a counterfeit for a condition which is very important not to avoid – being settled in the truth. If I am always in doubt as to the validity of everything I believe and in my attempt to avoid the condition described in these verses I am afraid to allow myself to be confident about anything, I will end up being tossed about without root or anchor by every wave of doctrine that comes along (James 1:6). These are the two opposites that tend to enforce each other's positions. So how do I find the real way to live in right relationship to God? How do I avoid becoming unidirectional and isolated from new revelations of truth and corrections by God of false underlying assumptions that I have built my religious thinking on all of my life and assume to be truth? If I see this as a major problem in those around me, I have to assume that I may have at least a strong tendency to do the same thing myself. And if so, how could I even address it myself if it involves a blind spot in my own experience? As I mentioned in my last post on Romans, this kind of person will not easily accept the charge that they are doing the very things they condemn in others. Just because Paul says they are doing those things is not enough to sway them to believe they really have the problems that they point out in others. What kind of “proof” is Paul going to produce to enforce his charges? They want facts, events, dates etc. to be able to examine and refute if possible. He claims that they steal, they commit adultery, they rob temples and that they break the Law. Those are strong words and what does Paul expect to base these charges on? What I believe I see here is that Paul is basing it on the fact that the Bible is true and that if it says the name of God is blasphemed because of us then there are reasons behind that declaration. He may have been able to point out specific facts and events, but that would not make his assertions defendable or even effective. God's word applies universally to every generation alive at the time they read it. It is the work of the gentle Spirit of God to bring specific convictions about events and circumstances and conditions of the heart. What Paul is saying in these first 2 chapters is that every one of us sooner or later will discover ourself under the guilt of sin and disobedience and are all equally in need of God's grace and forgiveness. The condition he is unmasking here is that of those of us who don't realize we are actually hiding our true problems under our attempts to be right with God by performance. The harder we try to look good externally and by intellectual religious knowledge, the more neglected our hearts become and it is in our hurting and empty hearts that sin finds fertile ground for hidden growth. So what is Paul's basis for claiming that those who look very good on the outside are actually guilty of all the things they accuse others of doing? (2:1) It is the Word of God and the principles under which we were created that it is unavoidable. When we focus on our religious advantages and give preference to our externals over the condition of our heart; when we tend toward the condition of believing we are a good source of teaching and instruction for others while failing to equally apply it to ourselves, then we can be certain that the sins we see so clearly in others has some kind of deep roots in our own soul even if the outward manifestations may look different than in those we point the finger at. At first this makes one wonder if it might be better not to have any religious advantages, that maybe it would be just better to live sinfully with abandon so that we could better appreciate and respond to grace. I certainly have had this temptation very strongly sometimes especially when I was a teenager. I thought that it might be much easier to understand the gospel if I had a lot more open sins to be forgiven of and regret. But a fear inside of me prevented me from plunging down that path. I was afraid that if I decided to just throw everything overboard and go out and sin hard and fast and loose that before I might have a chance to repent and be converted that Satan would get me killed and I would be lost before I had a chance to return to God. I also was not too keen on all the consequences that would be unavoidable and the negative long-term effects from making all those bad choices in my detoured attempt to find God. So I chose to take what seemed to be the much harder route of trying to slowly unmask the lies about God in my life while staying in the environment of formal religion even though I sensed that it was the source for most of my problems. In essence, I was trying to throw out the dirty bath water without throwing out the baby if you understand that analogy. What I do see Paul trying to bring out here is the dramatic difference between a head religion that is very convincing, especially to the person performing in it, and a heart religion, or spirituality as I prefer to call it (2:25-29). From my own experience through a lifetime of rule-based religion and compulsive conformity to social expectations in a church atmosphere I have come to believe that most of us don't really know the true definition of the word heart. We think we know and we use the term very easily, but when it comes right down to everyday life, we show in our relationships that we are unaware and out of touch with the part of us that is identified as our heart. I say this because it has been a relatively short time since I started getting in touch and getting familiar with that part of me myself, and I don't think I am unique in this problem. This condition of heart-unawareness is inherent and systemic in performance-based religion. So what is the use for having a religious upbringing if it creates such great liabilities to overcome? That question was inherent in my temptations I have had to throw it all away in favor of enjoying the pleasures of sin and coming back in through a different door if possible. In chapter 3 Paul explores the reasons that we should not thumb our nose at our spiritual advantages even though they often come with a lot of baggage that needs to be unpacked and discarded. And those are ponderings for another post. God, make me a Christian from the inside out. Make my heart Your dwelling place, a comfortable place where You can be at home and express Yourself freely. (next in series)

Love/Hate God

I am on my second time through a series of talks that I recently purchased from Clarissa Worley (visit her website at clar.cc) and it is life-changing. Then I opened My Utmost this morning and received confirmation of some of the things I heard last night. I am very excited about the insights and revelations of reality that Clarissa has to share. They are so refreshing and liberating and enlightening to many things that have confused me all of my life. I highly recommend her series to anyone serious about growing in grace and practical knowledge of how to genuinely live as a real Christian. One thing I heard last night as I was driving home that really startled me but that was confirmed this morning was the idea that we can never really love God ourselves. I know this can really raise hackles in the Christian community, but that's OK. I gave up long ago trying too hard to live in conformity to popular Christianity because I realized that most truth will not be found there. The Holy Spirit has to use the Word of God as a filter and guide me in evaluating things I receive from others to see how it fits and is consistent with previous truths that He has revealed to me. Sometimes God has to shake up even the things that constitute my filter and challenge my paradigms. Often it is more than sometimes, it is always up for reevaluation. My paradigms in spiritual things are not to be the standard of truth no matter how long I have believed them or how many proof texts have been used to support them. When the Holy Spirit reveals something to me, the more important element in the revelation is the spirit itself that permeates the message. When the spirit is consistent with what I have come to know as the sweet Spirit of Jesus, then the message can be very challenging, puzzling or even disconcerting for awhile. But if I am willing to be led by the Spirit of God instead of giving preeminence to my intellectual views of religious ideas and constructs, then new truths will soon begin to integrate perfectly with previous insights and the emerging picture of beauty and perfection becomes even more clear. Here is the reading for today from My Utmost. If the closest relationships of life clash with the claims of Jesus Christ, He says it must be instant obedience to Himself. Discipleship means personal, passionate devotion to a Person, our Lord Jesus Christ. There is a difference between devotion to a Person and devotion to principles or to a cause. Our Lord never proclaimed a cause; He proclaimed personal devotion to Himself. To be a disciple is to be a devoted love-slave of the Lord Jesus. Many of us who call ourselves Christians are not devoted to Jesus Christ. No man on earth has this passionate love to the Lord Jesus unless the Holy Ghost has imparted it to him. We may admire Him, we may respect Him and reverence Him, but we cannot love Him. The only Lover of the Lord Jesus is the Holy Ghost, and He sheds abroad the very love of God in our hearts. Whenever the Holy Ghost sees a chance of glorifying Jesus, He will take your heart, your nerves, your whole personality, and simply make you blaze and glow with devotion to Jesus Christ. The Christian life is stamped by “moral spontaneous originality,” consequently the disciple is open to the same charge that Jesus Christ was, viz., that of inconsistency. But Jesus Christ was always consistent to God, and the Christian must be consistent to the life of the Son of God in him, not consistent to hard and fast creeds. Men pour themselves into creeds, and God has to blast them out of their prejudices before they can become devoted to Jesus Christ. (MUHH 7/2) Last night Clarissa made the bold statement that inside we will always hate God. We cannot love God ourselves – that is the work of the Holy Spirit that lives within us. I thought this was a bit shocking and I am still mulling it over, but after reading the above statement from Oswald Chambers I believe God is trying to communicate something very important to me. I choose to keep listening with an open heart and see how this all fits with everything else in the Word. Clarissa based her statement on Romans 7 and 8 which I was studying a couple months ago before I returned to spend much more time in the previous chapters leading up to that. This “new” teaching does make a great deal of sense to explain the last verse of Romans 7, “So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.” I have not fully digested this new idea yet and am still mulling it over in my thinking. But since I am using this blog to simply report what is currently going on in my mind and heart instead of as a platform for convincing anyone of anything, I am sharing in real time here what I am learning before it makes complete sense. I do feel that it has the strong ring of truth to it and is being reinforced by the confirmation of the Holy Spirit's promptings inside of me. This fits perfectly with what I have been seeing in Ezek. 36 which Clarissa also reviewed in her teaching about this. The emphatic emphasis in the promises in the later part of that chapter all point to God doing the work in us and not anything we try to do. That is the burden of all the messages of Clarissa's teachings and I find them to be very full of hope and encouragement. I also know I need to review them a number of times to get them into my thinking since they are so opposite of what I am used to believing, as are many things I have been learning over the past few years. If it is true that I am not capable of really loving God, even though that is what I am commanded to do, then it makes perfect sense that He is going to have to provide some way of that happening inside of me apart from my own efforts. This has been one of my greatest struggles all of my life, an Achilles heel that continues to frustrate me to no end. I am supposed to do or feel something that I am incapable of producing myself. Many people who claim to be authorities in my life insist that I must do this if I am to be saved which only compounds my frustration as it has since I was old enough to begin understanding spiritual things. This is extremely exciting to me because I see potential here for a very major breakthrough in my relationships, not only with God but with everyone. But it is also something that has to take place in my heart and not in my head or it will be just another exercise in futility. God, I look to You to do Your thing in me today. Send Your Holy Spirit to fill me with unexpected love for You and for my family and those around me today. I give You permission to seize every opportunity today to use my heart as a launching pad to surprise others with the love that You produce in me using Your resources of love and grace. I cannot produce love myself, but I ask You and receive from You and rest in assurance of Your desires to use me this way. I look forward to being surprised by joy today.

Heavenly Commerce

“Our petitions to God should not proceed from hearts that are filled with selfish aspirations. God exhorts us to choose those gifts that will redound to His glory... He throws open before us the possibilities and advantages of a heavenly commerce. He gives encouragement to our loftiest aims, security to our choicest treasure.... “They might enter into the palaces of heaven, and associate on terms of freedom and equality with Christ and heavenly angels, and with the princes of God....” (SD 188) I think I caught just a little glimpse for a second of what this “heavenly commerce” really means. Because of my nearly total immersion in the context of worldly-oriented commerce it is extremely difficult to even comprehend how the heavenly commerce operates, especially in motive and incentives. But just a glimpse of the true commerce unleashes a whole raft of insights that have been waiting to take their proper place in relation to each other. The commerce of heaven can only operate effectively and efficiently in the atmosphere of heaven which is absolute, rarified selflessness and love for others. This is not just a nice option that we need to have as an asset to live in heaven, it is an absolute and fundamental prerequisite for survival in the presence of love so pure and passionate that it becomes destructive if experienced with any internal resistance of selfishness left in place. In the above statements I see references to these principles. When our prayers and relationship to God are based on selfish aspirations, we may seem very noble and religious in each others eyes but in heavens view we are still functioning with the wrong fuel that will only explode destructively inside of us when exposed to the fire of heaven. Maybe that is a better analogy than even resistance for what happens in hell. Flammable fuel is created within us from the fermenting process of sin in our heart. That is how we store up wrath for ourselves against the day of Judgment, by allowing the fermentation of sin to create flammable material inside of us. We may think we have it safely hidden or under control, but when our lives are exposed to the white heat of God's unveiled, selfless passionate love the volatile materials still residing in our hearts explode into literal flames of torture that burns painfully until it is all consumed and we are consumed with it. It appears in the above statements that the alternative to the motives of selfish aspirations is to live for the purpose of producing honor and glory for God. Even the gifts offered to us by God have different options that may lead us down different paths. It is implied here that we can choose to accept gifts from God that would seem to benefit ourselves more than would “redound to His glory”. Why would God offer us such gifts? Because He has to start where we are to establish enough of a relationship and trust in Him so that we can be led eventually to mature out of our selfishness and closer to learning the ways of operating in heaven's atmosphere. But we can accelerate that maturing and purifying process by not choosing the gifts for our selfish aspirations but choosing the gifts that will display before others the kindness and attractiveness of God. “He throws open before us the possibilities and advantages of a heavenly commerce. He gives encouragement to our loftiest aims, security to our choicest treasure....” Again, to relate to this correctly and understand its true implications, I must check my motives behind how I interpret what constitutes my loftiest aims and what really is my choice to treasure. These words can be used both in selfish terminology or in heaven's selfless commerce. Implied in these words is that any apparent possibilities and advantages of earthly commerce – that based on selfishness – is very short-lived and self-destructive in the end, whereas operating and living in the realm of heavenly commerce opens up possibilities and advantages of living forever in harmony with all unfallen creation under the principles of eternity. Further elaborated are hints of what these possibilities and advantages constitute. “They might enter into the palaces of heaven, and associate on terms of freedom and equality with Christ and heavenly angels, and with the princes of God....” The principles or motives that must be in place in our hearts are described as freedom and equality as well as unselfishness. The stunning possibilities of living in this atmosphere is to be treated in commerce as an equal, not only with angels and princes of God, but with Christ Himself who is God. The economy of heaven amazingly accomplishes the very thing that Lucifer claimed that he wanted for himself – equality with God. But by trying to employ the motive of selfishness to acquire that end he missed the very thing that he was designed to enjoy. Selfishness so permeates every aspect of our thinking that it is impossible for us to be free of it without massive divine intervention and radical death to self. It filters everything we read or hear about God and heaven or spiritual things and puts a twist, a spin on how we interpret what God is trying to communicate to us. Selfishness is the core of sin and is the most dangerous element in the universe. It is the bacteria in the fermentation process that turns the pure juice of love created by God to be the fuel of choice for our lives into the wine of Babylon that contains not only mind-altering and numbing properties but also fatal volatility when exposed to the fire of God's unprotected presence. This idea of fermentation and the bacteria underlying the fermentation process was illustrated in the Old Testament sanctuary system. This is why God was so urgent that the people preparing to experience His presence in the Day of Atonement purge their lives and their surroundings of all traces of leaven. Selfishness and pride are the main elements that constitute the bacteria that works on all the gifts and blessings we receive from God, turning them into decaying, death-producing, mind-altering drugs that we choose over the energizing, life-giving pure diet required to exist in the presence of God. If any amount of bacteria is left in our system when we tank up with pure fuel, like pure juice exposed to a tiny amount of impure bacteria it will quickly become contaminated, infected and transformed into a bubbling mass of wine that threatens to infect others with its impurity. This all takes place in our spirit being, in our heart. When we think that our head-based religion is all we need to satisfy the requirements of God and earn us a place in heaven, we are actually allowing the bacteria of selfishness to remain in our heart where it continues to thrive and feed on all the good things we are receiving daily from God. Our heart is the real source of our problem and also the place where God needs to accomplish the most radical transformation. We need His white-heat passion of selfless love to sterilize and pasteurize completely our hearts from all selfishness to prepare us to safely interact with others who are likewise made safe in the commerce of heaven. If we resist the pasteurization process and don't allow Him to keep us in the heat long enough to eradicate all the dangerous bacteria in our minds and hearts, we become a liability that makes us a fatal danger to ourselves, the family of God and all of the universe. This, like I said at the beginning, is just a tiny glimpse of what constitutes the atmosphere of heaven in which the commerce of heaven operates. It is frightening and overwhelming to my mind because I begin to see a little bit of how so unqualified and unfit I am right now to live in that atmosphere. It is like a fish who spent his whole life living at the bottom of the lake believing he could climb up on land anytime he wanted and function as a mammal breathing air out of water. He does not understand that he must be born again and take on a whole new way of thinking and living like a tadpole has to become a frog before leaving the water. If the tadpole tries to leave the water before his transformation it would be fatal for him. Likewise, if we believe we are ready to go home with Jesus while entertaining selfish aspirations and motives for wanting that very thing we are asking for something that would, in fact, expose us to the horrors of hell instead of the thrills of heaven. Because hell is simply the drying up of the waters and exposing everyone to the atmosphere of heaven without the proper preparation of receiving the internal equipment necessary to thrive in that atmosphere.

The commerce of heaven is so extremely delicate and sensitive that it is easily obscured by the bluntness of force, the blindness of bitterness or rage, or the numbness of self-pity. It can easily be lost site of in the midst of our seemingly most spectacular moments of spiritual triumph. It thrives on the fuel of humility and is lubricated by the oil of grace. But sugar in the gas tank can feed the bacteria and ruin the works designed to live in harmony with purity and integrity. Elijah got derailed while traveling at high speed on the right track and had to be taken back to his roots to remind him of what was really important in the economy of heaven. He approached Mt. Carmel in the spirit of humility and total dependence on God listening to the quiet inner voice of the Spirit and accelerating higher and higher into the atmosphere of heaven. But he got momentarily distracted by the blazing results of spectacular glory that is inherent in the atmosphere of heaven and became slightly infected with the bacteria of externalism which opened the door for fear to sneak in. He then reacted by running in terror from a threat that before would have not affected him in the slightest. But he ran in the right direction for he ran into the arms of God and received grace and comfort and assurance. After he calmed down enough God took him through the training program once again to remind him of one of the most crucial rules of heaven's commercial system – giving preference to the still small voice over any other modes of communication claiming to represent the voice of God. The apparent fragility required to live successfully in the economy of heaven is confusing because of our addiction to force. But to succeed in heaven requires our complete disavowal of all means of force and becoming familiar with the use of the sensitive ways of love and gentleness. We must get past the lies of religion that paint God with pictures of power, might and control, and realize that His real power lies in His abilities to work everything out for good through non-forceful means, that gentleness makes greatness, that humility is nobility, that surrendering control is to come into victory, that by dying we can enter into real living. I want to learn the ways of gentleness, to become sensitive to hearing more clearly the small voice inside prompting me to know which way to go without the interference of my own preferred emotions or clamorings for pleasure. I want to experience the metamorphosis required to become ready to live and thrive in the rarified, even dangerous atmosphere of heaven. I want to be cleansed of all hidden bacteria that keeps reinfecting and poisoning the good things that God gives me with selfishness. I want a total work of grace and conversion in my life so that God's reputation can be honored and glorified.

Serious Allegations

I have been reading the last verses of Romans 2 over again each day for about a week now and trying to sink deeper into the real meaning and flush out a clearer perspective. Each time I read it I ask God to show me what is really here and how it applies to me and to my relationships. I have found that when I do this that over time pictures and connections begin to emerge at first slowly but then, if I am patient, they begin to accelerate and after awhile they almost become like a flood of insights that almost overwhelm me. I say this, not to brag but to simply record and capture my own thoughts and experience and what I personally believe are to me precious gems of truth and light entrusted to me from a higher Source of wisdom. This morning as I again started reading around verse 22 I once again opened my mind to seek for questions that will help me think outside all of my previous assumptions; questions that, in fact, will challenge those assumptions and expose them to revealing light. As I read I became aware of a tension inside of me that has always been there when I read these verses but up to this point have ignored it as is often the case. It is the inner conflict that I feel when I am forced to accept someone else's interpretation or spin on something that just doesn't quite fit well, or not at all, but is accepted because that is what I have been trained to do – reflect someone else's thoughts instead of thinking for myself and seeking God and His truth personally and directly. This sense of “uncomfortableness” emerged in the form of the irritation I feel or resonate with that must have been in the minds of his readers if they were in fact the way he describes them to be in the previous passages since the beginning of the book, particularly in 2:17-21. These people considered themselves quite spiritual, close to God and careful, thoughtful, conscientious followers of God. They were also Christian Jews who had been converted to believing in Jesus Christ, not arrogant, close-minded, unbelieving Jews opposed to the gospel. In fact, if most of us could be truly honest about ourselves, his descriptions of these people would very closely parallel our own description if Paul were to address us today. Of course, since we don't like his conclusions and revelations about these people our minds quickly begin to squirm and try to distance ourselves from these descriptions to avoid being associated with his warnings and counsels to them. But I want to honestly know my true condition so I can be able to see myself as God sees me. It is only by conviction and accepting the real truth about myself from the the Holy Spirit that I can start to identify, take responsibility for, and begin to become free from the hang-ups described so clearly in these verses. So if these people who were apparently comfortable with their level of spirituality and felt, at least to some degree, that their religious beliefs and practices must have qualified them in some way to receive the favor of God as described in these verses, then I can't imagine them not internally squirming a great deal at the allegations that Paul makes about what is actually their true condition in God's eyes that they cannot see. It seems to me that they, along with myself and I assume many others who read this, would object, possible strenuously, against Paul's assertions that they steal, commit adultery, rob temples and generally break the law. I do not see many of us readily accepting that kind of assessment about ourselves easily. Those kind of charges feel very much like false allegations that have gone too far and are exaggerated in the imagination of the writer of this book, maybe just to make a point. That is the feeling that emerged this morning as I read over these verses. And the question that was raised by my emotions was “Paul, where are you getting this stuff? I know you are led by God and all, but why do you claim that we do all of these horrible sins when, in fact, we are very careful to guard our words and actions to be just the opposite of what you describe?” These are people – Christians remember – that Paul has just described as proudly bearing the name “Jew”, relying upon the Law and boasting in God. While at first from our perspective, with possible subtle feelings of unconscious antisemitism lying under the surface, we impose our own judgments on the people described here, it is easy to fail to fully identity with their condition as possibly being our own. But we have to take responsibility based on what God is revealing about us here and realize how very easy it is for any “religious” person to slip into the trap of depending on religion for their identity instead of looking constantly to God and depending totally outside of themselves for true perspective and value. The descriptions that Paul has made about these people fits so uncomfortably well that we try to slip out from under it and apply it more to someone else. These are people who take satisfaction and a certain amount of “humble” pride in the name that they claim in association with God's chosen and special people. In those days it was not necessarily a shame to bear the name Jew, at least in the spiritual world. Paul makes it clear repeatedly that Jews have great advantages and have been wonderfully privileged by God with deep insights and extensive spiritual blessings. Identifying oneself as a Jew was not a shame but was the same as claiming today to be a good Christian. The terms and labels have changed over the centuries but the underlying issues remain the same. When Paul says they relied upon the Law, he was not necessarily saying they were depending totally on self-righteous attempts to be perfect by law-keeping as the unconverted Jews were trying to do. Remember, he is addressing Christian Jews here and is flushing out the residual but subtle dependence they feel on their advantages that unconsciously still make up some part of their reasoning for which they believe God will save them. Every one of us grapples with this problem much more than we consciously realize and that is exactly what Paul is flushing out in this passage. To some degree or other, in some form or another, we all have a very strong tendency ,though usually very camouflaged to ourself, to depend on something internally or externally to recommend ourself to God and in some subtle way earn His grace and salvation. There is an unavoidable urge in the mind of every human being to “do” something to help God save us. And the more religious we are and the more educated we become in our knowledge of religion the greater danger we are in of being deceived by this most pernicious but hidden fault that neutralizes the grace of God in Christ Jesus in our lives. It is so subtle that we simply cannot see it within ourselves and honestly believe we are in right relationship with God. We really can be just like these people and very often are if we are just willing to admit the real truth. These are people known as those who know God's will, they approve the things that are essential and are being instructed out of the Law, or the Bible. They are confident in their abilities to guide others who don't understand the Bible and believe they can shed the light of truth to those who are in darkness. They believe in correcting error, they teach and train the less mature and believe that the embodiment of truth and knowledge can be found in the Bible. (v. 18-20) Does this sound like a description of someone we should be wary of or a description of someone we look up to for spiritual guidance and authority? If we are honest here we have to admit that every one of these attributes are things that we strenuously promote in our seminaries and look for in our leaders. They are not identified by Paul as bad things or necessarily even liabilities, but they are descriptive of the very people who Paul claims have hidden problems of stealing, adultery, robbery and law-breaking even though they are Christians. Those are shocking charges and cannot be taken lightly or believed easily. Paul had better have some some really good evidence or proof of such charges and allegations or he is putting himself out on a very shaky limb. I will explore further the basis that Paul uses to make these strong statements later. But in the meantime I want God's Spirit to open my own heart to examine it's true condition and expose to my mind the things secretly hiding there that I am oblivious to myself. The good news is that God never convicts to condemn but to restore me into a much closer intimacy with Him and fellowship with all of His children in a spirit of harmony, peace and love. That is what I want my life to look like. Your thoughts? (next in series)

Never Look for Justice

Well it's happened again. The reading in My Utmost today continues to prick me with reminders of my need to sharply focus my attention on God instead of looking out for my own interests or trying to defend myself. It also reminds me of a number of things I have been collecting lately to post about self-justification or self-defending that I have not yet condensed enough to finish.

In a side note, I would like to pass along a resource that I found last night on the web if any of you are interested in utilizing it. As you can probably tell by now I am a great fan of My Utmost for His Highest and have been interested for some time in purchasing more material by him. I came across a web site that not only provides each day's readings on its cover page so anyone can read it, but also has links for purchasing all of his other materials. The version of My Utmost that they use for this purpose is the “updated edition” which is worded differently than the older one I prefer. But many people prefer the newer addition and say that it is much easier for them to understand. At any rate, I ended up ordering a volume that has all of the things he ever wrote plus a CD containing all of his materials as well.

This is the part of today's reading that brought conviction to me and really got my attention.

The Sermon on the Mount indicates that when we are on Jesus Christ's errands, there is no time to stand up for ourselves. Jesus says, in effect, Do not be bothered with whether you are being justly dealt with or not. To look for justice is a sign of deflection from devotion to Him. Never look for justice in this world, but never cease to give it. If we look for justice, we will begin to grouse and to indulge in the discontent of self-pity – Why should I be treated like this? If we are devoted to Jesus Christ we have nothing to do with what we meet, whether it is just or unjust. Jesus says – Go steadily on with what I have told you to do and I will guard your life. If you try to guard it yourself, you remove yourself from My deliverance. The most devout among us become atheistic in this connection; we do not believe God, we enthrone common sense and tack the name of God on to it. We do lean to our own understanding, instead of trusting God with all our hearts. (MUHH 6/27)

I have been reminded many times over the last couple of weeks to be very careful about getting focused on defending myself instead of trusting in truth to vindicate itself and letting God be my defense. I have been learning a great deal about this and wonder if that is not one reason why I have not finished my writing about self-defensiveness – because I had a lot more to learn before I put out my thoughts on it. I will say that I am learning some of the benefits of letting God be my focus instead of indulging in self-pity and resentment. But I have to also be honest and say it is extremely tough to keep that kind of thinking when feeling very misunderstood and alone and under suspicion by many of those who I want to love me.

I have sensed throughout this experience that the more I try to justify myself and indulge in pointing out the errors of those who are against me and the problems with their arguments, the less credible my own words become and the more doubt I end up casting upon my own integrity. As I have repeatedly noticed, my temptation is always to imbibe of the spirit of those who have misread me and are creating suspicions about me. This is always the case because of our natural response to act like mirrors toward other people. We always see our own faults most intensely in others and are in danger of using them to avoid facing them within ourselves.

While I have been learning that in principle over the past few years, putting it into practice in the tough arena of the down and dirty real world is a much harder lesson. I cannot say that I have always taken the higher road in this matter consistently. There have been times when I feel that I crossed the line and began to indulge in accusing my accusers. But the Holy Spirit has been faithful to convict me and I want to stay in right relationship to God more than anything else. I know in my heart that this is really a golden opportunity for growth and maturing in my life if I am willing to endure the pain and depend on God.

I must also acknowledge that I have been blessed with a number of people in my life who have come forward over time and supported me by believing in my heart as well as challenging me to to experience more healing. They have helped give me perspective when tunnel-vision threatened to distort my view of reality and they remind me of what they see in me when I forget or cannot see clearly through the fog of emotions and the pressure of temptations from the spirit realm. I deeply appreciate these people and value them as genuine friends in my life, and I hope to become more of that kind of person myself through this experience.

I also want to keep very high in my priority the love that I still have for those who have misunderstood me and still cling to their dark suspicions about me. I deeply care for them and want them to experience the peace and healing that is the real desire of their hearts. They mistakenly believe that they can find satisfaction through creating doubt and suspicions about me in the minds of others. But that road is always a false trail that leads only to more pain and emptiness for those who choose it. But I want to keep the trail clear of any obstacles that I am tempted to create that would hinder their return journey to joy in reconnecting with those who really love them.

But most of all I want to become totally devoted to Jesus Christ much more than to finding justice. I have to repeatedly choose each day to remember and practice the things that God is showing me and teaching my heart. I have been receiving coordinated messages from Him every day through different avenues that are synchronized around the same themes and I want to assimilate them as quickly as my heart can grasp their value and integrate them internally. I sometimes feel very confused, but I trust the One who is coordinating everything behind the scenes and is faithful to finish the work that He started. I choose not to indulge in guarding myself and thereby removing myself from His deliverance. God has been pretty clear in some of these things to me but I easily forget sometimes when I am distracted and have to be reminded either internally by my conscience or through others who remind me to continue trusting and believing in God's faithful love for me no matter what circumstances look or feel like.

I do not want to “enthrone common sense and tack the name of God on to it.” I choose to avoid leaning on my own understanding and I want to learn to trust God with all of my heart. His heart can always be trusted and His promises, not only to me but to anyone desiring to lean on them, contain the power of self-fulfillment inherent in them from the infallible Source of Life and genuine satisfaction.

Thank-you Jesus for this experience that is causing me to grow in grace and in knowing You more intimately. Use these circumstances in my life to bring honor to Your name no matter what happens to me. Cause me to walk in Your ways and use this experience to attract many others to Your beauty, Your trustworthiness and Your goodness. I love You and worship You as my own God, my personal Saviour and submit to You as my Lord. Teach me Your ways and Your wisdom and flood my heart with Your spirit, Your kindness and compassion and Your humility for Your name's sake.