Without an Intercessor - 2

Is Jesus interceding on our behalf to the Father doing everything possible to convince Him to love us enough to save us? ...to forgive us? ...to avert punishments for us?

Is there an Investigative Judgment going on right now in which every detail of our lives come up before some sort of heavenly Grand Jury or maybe before the Father in order to figure out if we are good enough to be allowed into heaven? Wouldn't this tend to imply that God is somehow not all-knowing? Does He really have to conduct an investigation to figure out what I am really like? Or is this for the purpose of convincing someone else?

If these things are really true or even partially true, then what role does Jesus have in this process? Is He trying to manipulate the facts to make me look better than I really am to get my name on the right list? Does Jesus love me more than the Father does?

These kinds of honest and disturbing questions have caused thousands of people to reject all notion of the existence of an Investigative Judgment taking place at all. But does our confusion and misunderstandings about the nature of such a potential activity give us enough reason to reject it outright? Or is it our skewed pictures of God and our mistaken applications of revealed facts from the wrong spirit the real problem that needs to be corrected instead of throwing out the whole concept of such a judgment process?

We need to keep in mind that just because we don't like the sounds of certain ideas, that does not qualify us to pass judgment ourselves or allow us to determine what should be true or false. It is far too easy to begin to form a picture of God into our own image instead of seeking to know more clearly the real truths about reality as God designed it to start with. As soon as we begin moving down the road of formulating religion based on our preferences or preconceptions, we have inverted our proper relationship with God and are trying to create religion on our own. But it is important to understand that this can happen just as easily with conservatives as it can with liberals.

I believe that it is important to grapple with truth and not be afraid to continually reexamine our assumptions. In fact, I think it is much more than just important – it is vital to having an honest relationship with the God of all truth. It is only from a position of humility and willingness to admit that our most cherished doctrines may be in need of re-visitation at times that we will be capable of embracing extended truths as God brings them within our reach. I know of many who feel very threatened by new ideas or challenges to their assumptions and take such a defensive stance that not even God can break through their stubbornness. But instead of becoming “rooted and grounded” in real truth as they suppose they are doing, they are simply becoming stuck in truth as it has been perceived at a certain point in time while refusing to move along with the ever transforming revelations of truth as God designed we should.

When we become entrenched in a certain philosophy of what we insist is truth and refuse to see it in any new ways, we then turn facts and assumptions into traditions and become cemented in our opinions instead of being willing to grow up into the full measure of Christ. Christianity is made up of many just such demonstrations of this mentality. It is so easy to become inflexible in our opinions about truth and turn them into traditions instead of taking steps beyond our comfort zones to a deeper understanding of the truth about reality. But this is primarily due to the fear that fills our minds.

We are far too dependent on fear to protect us from being deceived. There certainly is a great danger from deception for we live in a world filled with the atmosphere of deadly deceptions produced by the myriad lies of Satan. But depending on fear to keep us from deceptions is a deception itself. God never instructed us to depend on fear to help us come to a greater knowledge of truth. This is a very dangerous assumption on our part but is very pervasive in our thinking. But the Bible very clearly declares that love and fear are exclusive opposites. And since God is love, then to live dependent on fear to keep us in truth or even guide us to truth becomes an oxymoron.

The reason I bring this up is because this teaching of an Investigative Judgment as well as common teachings about the intercession of Jesus for us has been intensely shrouded with an atmosphere of fear for most people. And because this fear itself is seldom identified as the real root of our problems in understanding these things, it has been allowed to remain in place which in turn has distorted very seriously our ability to comprehend the real purpose and nature of Christ's intercession. Until this fear itself is addressed and exposed for the fraud that it really is, we will not be able to have our eyes opened sufficiently to perceive the real purpose and role of Jesus' intercession for us.

As I pointed out last time, some very fundamental beliefs must be set into place as a foundation if we are to approach these subjects in a clearer way and see their true beauty and importance for us. One of those foundational truths is that Jesus and the Father are one in spirit, opinion and perspective towards us. Therefore, anything that in any way attempts to undermine that clear fact must immediately become suspect and be challenged vigorously.

As a result, if this fact is viewed as foundational, then any notion or activity assumed to be taking place where Jesus needs to change God's mind about anything becomes a mute point. Jesus cannot be in the business of changing God's mind if the mind of God is already perfectly in harmony with each member of the Godhead which includes Jesus. But as soon as this truth is embraced it creates serious problems about many other assumptions that have gone unchallenged in our typical notions about an Investigative Judgment as well as the role of Jesus in dying for us on the cross. For it is not only those who are trying to defend the idea of an Investigative Judgment that need to rethink their assumptions but nearly all Christians have to reexamine their popular ideas of Jesus dying in our place to protect us from an angry God eager to punish those who have sinned.

These things I have spoken to you in figurative language; an hour is coming when I will no longer speak to you in figurative language, but will tell you plainly of the Father. In that day you will ask in My name, and I do not say to you that I will request of the Father on your behalf; for the Father Himself loves you, because you have loved Me and have believed that I came forth from the Father. (John 16:25-27)

Without an Intercessor - 1

So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows. Therefore everyone who confesses Me before men, I will also confess him before My Father who is in heaven. But whoever denies Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven. (Matthew 10:31-33)

For a number of years now I have been revising my thinking about the role of Jesus as our intercessor. There is a statement that has been the source of deep terror for many people that states that there is coming a time when we must live without an intercessor before the Father. And this is to take place before the Second Coming of Jesus.

This statement has been one of the most solid foundation blocks of those who insist on the doctrine and philosophy of perfectionism. I grew up in this ideology and this perception of religion was a deep source of fear and apprehension for me for many years. It fueled my terror of the last day events which were often dwelt upon by others for that very purpose. It was assumed by many that dwelling on this kind of fearful foreboding of the future would inspire enough terror in the heart to cause people to let go of all the sins in their lives and thus achieve absolute perfection somehow so that they would not be lost when Jesus comes.

This belief system is all too alive and well right now in various forms and its proponents are becoming even more vocal and strident in their broadcasting of this false gospel. The reason that I call this a false gospel is because the very word “gospel” literally means good news. But in all the years that I lived under this illusion of believing that it was my job to perfect myself in order to please God and get into heaven, I could never figure out what part of this ideology was supposed to be good news. Everywhere I turned and everything I heard sounded like warnings and fear and terror, not good news that would make me feel excited or even loving toward God as I was supposed to feel.

Over the past few years it has become very plain to me that nearly every aspect of these kinds of teachings are fraught with subtle but dangerous assumptions and paradigms that lend them ineffective for changing the heart in the way that needs to happen to prepare us to live in the presence of God. I could spend a great deal of time covering each item of this that is mistaken, but the most blatant and damaging part of it all is that it is based fundamentally on fear itself as the primary motivation for serving God. To suggest that somehow love was supposed to emerge from this miasma of confused thinking about God only added to my frustration, but that was also supposed to be somewhere there in the mix as well. That too confused me deeply as I was keenly aware of my inability to really love God while at the same time being increasingly terrified of the consequences of not doing so perfectly – and from the heart no less.

But I still believe that the basic facts buried underneath all these false teachings based on fear are still valid. Just because legalists and extremists and even liberals have hijacked and misappropriated nearly every religious word and phrase does not mean that they are no longer applicable for our lives. It simply means that we need the presence of the Holy Spirit and humility and patience to begin to untangle all the lies and fears that have blinded us for so long and we need to begin to discern the amazing beauty of real truth buried deep under the rubbish of false perceptions of God that fill our imaginations.

I have spent enough years now having my lies unlocked, exposed and slowly replaced with valid truth that I feel I am entering a new phase of life, a very exciting and energizing phase where I can begin to experience the strength of the joy of the Lord. As the truth about God becomes more and more clear to my heart I come into more awe and can feel genuine responses of spontaneous love emerging from my heart and emotions, something that was unimaginable only a few years ago.

There are still many pockets of residual misconceptions that keep emerging in my thinking that I need to address each time they show up. But I do not do this in a spirit of hostility as I have sensed in many people who have left my church and become deeply embittered against everything they formerly believed. I find that spirit to be just as dangerous and lethal to my relationship with God as the legalism from which I am slowly emerging. I have to guard myself from much exposure to either kind of thinking and keep my imagination focused on the real truth about God that He has been revealing to me over the past few years and continues to do daily. But as this increasing light exposes yet more of my pain and confusion embedded from false teachings and assumptions about Him, I am eager to have Him show me the real truth about the original basic facts that remain unaffected by the false assumptions and teachings that so long darkened my understanding about their implications.

I still strongly believe that there are urgent warnings that need to be heeded in preparing us to meet our God. The fanatics on the one hand try to frighten us with dark views of a God waiting and eager to punish all who fail to measure up to certain performance standards. The extremists on the other side of the fence usually push people to think that God is so loving and fickle and full of so-called grace that all we have to do is immerse ourselves in a feel-good religion and say some “magic” words in a sinners prayer and “accept Jesus into our heart” (whatever that happens to mean) and we have nothing more to be concerned about.

But what I am starting to see more clearly in this issue of living with or without an intercessor is not so much fear or cheap grace either one; what I am now seeing is the reality of the fundamental purpose and function of the intercession of Jesus in the first place. And as I perceive the true nature of intercession itself I find it is one of those areas that is very liberating for my heart.

My new and growing awareness about the immense danger of God's passionate love for us precludes me from believing in such dangerous philosophies as proposed by many protestants even as the legalism of my past was equally dangerous. It will be fatal to believe that we can be safe in the day of judgment (full revelation of God's power and passion) while failing to have our hearts in perfect synchronization with the pure and unselfish love of the Father. But this is precisely where both sides of the debate fail miserably. They both fail to comprehend in the slightest both the real truth about love and the real feelings that God has for us. They do not perceive the enormous potential of both life and death in the presence of unspeakable glory and power because of the lies that skew their perceptions of the real attitude and passion of God, and particularly on the part of the Father.

Because of the many misunderstandings and false teachings about God from both sides of the isle, it is nearly impossible to approach the subject of intercession and carry on an intelligent, useful conversation about the subject without first addressing the many false beliefs about God that drive the agendas of those involved. But once the fog begins to clear away to some degree about God's real attitude and disposition towards His children, then real progress can start to be made in understanding the true purpose of Jesus' work of intercession before the Father in relation to us.

I believe that the most important fact to establish before anything else about this issue can even begin to make real sense is Jesus explicit statement, "I and the Father are one." (John 10:30) Jesus made this even more clear when He was sharing the same truth with the disciples just before He died for us.

If you had known Me, you would have known My Father also; from now on you know Him, and have seen Him.... He who has seen Me has seen the Father... "Do you not believe that I am in the Father, and the Father is in Me? The words that I say to you I do not speak on My own initiative, but the Father abiding in Me does His works. "Believe Me that I am in the Father and the Father is in Me.... (John 14:7, 9-11)

This is one belief that seems to me to be irreconcilable with the assumptions underlying the fear-based teachings about Jesus as our intercessor before God. I was never able to make sense of these two ideas until my picture of the Father was radically transformed and replaced by the real truth about Him only in the past few years. Then it began to dawn on me that my confusion was rooted in my long-held concepts of God the Father as one who really didn't like me and wasn't real keen on my getting into heaven. At the same time, Jesus was supposedly working very hard to convince Him that I could be trusted to behave if He would let me in – that is, if I was able to perfect my character enough with a lot of help from God. That involved stopping all sinning and getting all past sins forgiven as well. I know it was never stated in those terms, but that was the general gist of the beliefs. This perception in one form or another with slight variations lies at the heart of most conservative Christianity today and even permeates most all other religions as well to some degree.

But this scenario becomes impossible when it is established that Jesus actually meant what He said in the above verses. If the attitude and beliefs and thinking of Jesus are exactly the same as the Father's, it simply becomes ludicrous to try to think that Jesus has to somehow change God's mind about us. That point must become very clear and must be accepted as solid truth or the discussion cannot proceed any further with any reasonable expectation of making sense. This is the foundation upon which everything else about this subject must rest if it is to bring us out of darkness.

Very closely parallel to this is the intense fear and agitation surrounding the teaching about an Investigative Judgment that is believed by many to be taking place right now in the courts of heaven. This hotly debated concept is believed to be a prerequisite before Jesus can be allowed to return to this earth and reclaim the saved who are waiting for Him. This judgment is assumed to be for the purpose of determining who is good enough to be saved and who is going to be lost. Again, the underlying assumptions and beliefs that distort every aspect of these doctrines cause confusion and fear in millions of hearts unnecessarily. But at the same time there are core truths that are usually discarded and ignored by those who vehemently oppose such teachings. Both sides are clouded in false assumptions about God that endanger their souls from being properly aligned with the Spirit of God in preparation to encounter the dangerous revelation of God's passionate love.

As I began thinking about this and praying for clearer insight, a number of texts came to my mind. I want to ponder them carefully to discover the real meanings and significance of their relevance to this subject that has tortured me for so long, but is now becoming a source of real hope for me. But since this is getting too long already I am going to leave that for another installment while I listen to what God may have to say to my heart about these things.

Codes

Codes. Secret Codes. Mysterious codes. I can remember growing up and sometimes being fascinated with deciphering secret codes and even trying to invent codes by which to communicate with my friends cryptically. The biggest problem that I quickly ran into was the lack of any really important information to pass on to them that might need a code to mask it. So what quickly developed was an air of mystery created by the code itself. We wanted to be obvious enough in our use of coded symbols, numbers or letters so that people would notice we were communicating in code to make them very curious. We hoped that they might want to try to crack our code to find out our “top secret” information.

I suppose my greatest disappointment and what lead to the rather quick demise of our use of codes was the lack of interest by anyone else in what we were doing. No one got suspicious of what we were trying to communicate in our codes and so we gave them up rather quickly for something more rewarding.

A few minutes ago I sent off an email with some attached files. As I pondered what those files likely would look like if one were to simply open them with a note editor, I realized that they would make no sense at all in any text programs. They are likely just a bunch of gibberish that would look like trash to most people and indeed that would be their only use if one did not have the proper software and even the right version of that software to decode those digital files.

Even further, those files even when opened with a text editor that couldn't read them would still appear to make more sense than the actual content would appear at a more basic level. Those files are entirely made up of what computer geeks call binary language or simply 1's and 0's. But even to say that is not to get at the bottom of the codes used to encrypt these files. The format used to create the concept of binary language can be found in many physical forms. They may be electrical signals passing over wires or through the air. They may be subtle electronic differences on the surface of a computer disc or in a flash drive. They may even be slight differences in how light is reflected off of the media impregnated in a CD.

Our lives are filled and surrounded with codes of all sorts. Even the very words that we use in print and spoken words are all just codes for meanings and opinions about those sounds or hieroglyphs. If these hidden meanings are different between the people attempting to communicate to a significant degree, then the level of effective communication is seriously diminished. The only way that any of us can convey or receive a sense of what we want to share is greatly dependent our our agreed-upon assumptions about what our codes mean. And even then we can never really be sure that our interpretation is the same as that assumed by another mind.

Thinking about this very long can leave one feeling bewildered at best and can even drive you to distraction if you are not careful. But at the same time I think it is very healthy and helpful to explore the benefits and problems associated with trying to deal in symbols and codes. Our minds as well as our emotions are pre-wired to function in codes and to want to understand other codes. Our sense of curiosity was embedded in our minds to explore and seek to understand codes and languages as much as possible in order to feel better connected at the heart level to other beings that we want to relate to in a deeper, more meaningful way. And by a deeper level I mean any level at all beyond total ignorance and lack of contact whatsoever.

This problem of learning to decipher codes of all sorts becomes very evident in millions of ways. Consider the enormous challenge of trying to establish a new form of codes to communicate with someone whose brain or various communication senses have been severely limited. And yet we know examples of amazing breakthroughs by people who were persistent enough to sometimes spend years attempting to communicate with such people until both minds learned to connect in whatever ways proved to be successful. Even communication with animals is a fascination by some people. I have a very compelling book about a man who has spent years learning how to effectively communicate with whales and other sea creatures with very inspiring results. Another story of the man who talks easily with horses and even deer has made a deep impact of my own life.

One reason that I feel it is very helpful to think about this is to come into more sympathy with God's problem of attempting to communicate with us. Even though He originally created our brains and understands perfectly everything about how we function, sin has wreaked a great amount of havoc on the communication systems and decoding apparatus originally built into us and much of what we originally were designed to do to communicate freely with other beings and even with nature has become severely limited and handicapped.

I am convinced that there are at least a number of capabilities that have been lost or nearly lost altogether over the centuries with only traces of them still to be found in a few people. Because of the rarity of these residual communication techniques most people become very frightened even considering that they might be valid ways to communicate. I also believe that as this has happened that demons have exploited some of these original faculties and have more or less hijacked them for their uses more than for normal communications between humans. Thus there becomes a danger associated with some forms of communication that needs to be in our consciousness, though there is a lot of superstition that goes far past healthy caution and inflames undo fear in many people.

Learning to decode and figure out patterns that may be trying to tell us something seems to be one of the fascinations of the left brain. The left brain is very formula oriented and as such delights in looking for codes to decipher. But one of the greatest hindrances to establishing real and effective communication between many people is the suppression and even ignorance of the central importance of communicating with our heart as well as learning to live from our heart in a healthy way.

Some people have come to believe – and I think I agree to a great extent – that one of the most damaging and limiting things that happened to the human race when sin entered in and infected our thinking and abilities, is that our mind – our intellectual part, and our heart – our emotional and spiritual part, became disconnected in a very destructive way. When sin infected our thinking and feeling, we ended up experiencing conflict between the two sides of our brains. Indeed, this tension between what our right brain believes with its feelings and what our left brain believes with its factual logic is actually the feeling that the Bible calls guilt or condemnation.

Guilt and condemnation are not things imposed on us by God. They are simply descriptions of the very uncomfortable feeling we experience when we are out of sync with ourselves as well as others around us. It is the pain and tension from disharmony itself that creates most of the problems that we in turn blame God for inflicting on us even though that is not directly true. But the many ideas offered to fix this problem can become very dangerous if they only tend to exacerbate it instead of bringing us back into harmony and synchronization with the One who designed us to live in open and joyful bonding with His heart of perfect love.

We are designed to crave and thrive on love. This is the fuel that we were designed for and nothing else is going to make us function well except the original thing. Sin has offered all kinds of substitutes for this original love fuel for our hearts but all with damaging results. Our power is greatly diminished, our effectiveness is limited, our ability to think, to feel and to bond is greatly hampered because we are so often trying to operate our system on alternate fuels that promise to improve our performance but only add to our misery in the end.

The problem with all of the alternatives of sin is that they never allow us to understand the original codes of heaven. God created us to function and communicate using the language codes that would synchronize us with the rest of the universe effectively. But we lost much of our ability to understand that code when sin came in and scrambled the code itself. Now much of the code of heaven gives us mixed messages both in nature and in the lives of those around us. All of this has become infected with the virus of sin that creates great confusion and mixed messages about the God who created it all to start with.

But God has a plan in place to redeem us from this hopeless situation if we allow Him to place a presence in our heart that will train us to relearn the original codes of heaven. But the real issue that must be understood if we are to enjoy this heavenly decoder is that it must reside primarily in our heart and be allowed access to both our emotions and our logic. If it is not allowed to have wiring access to both sides of our brains, then sin's viruses may confuse us so much from either side of our hemispheres that we will come to believe that the decoder itself is mixed up and fail to allow it to fully do its work.

The decoder of heaven is the presence of Jesus in the form of the Holy Spirit that is the decoding agent of heaven sent to all who are humble enough to embrace it's presence and allow it full access to their lives. But it is extremely important to be willing to give that Spirit access to the plug-in terminals inside of us that it needs to begin rewiring and re-programming our whole operating systems. Those terminals are located in our heart where the most pain happens to be keeping us from wanting anyone to come anywhere near it. But unless we are willing to trust God with our pain, our confusion and our fears and let Him expose the lies that we are so sure are solid truth, He will never be able to accomplish the necessary transformations and repairs needed to live in open communication with the languages of heaven.

Father, I want you to fill me with the presence of your Spirit right now. I give you unlimited permission to access all parts of my being, my heart, my brain and my core sense of identity. Transform me into the likeness of the original design you desire for me to be. Teach both my heart and my mind to understand the real meanings of the words you have used to communicate your messages to this earth. Fill me with more insight and wisdom through your Interpreter, the Spirit of Truth that Jesus promised to send to everyone willing to receive it.

Thank-you for hearing my request and for eagerly providing far more than I can ever ask for or even imagine is possible. Make me a better communicator of your love through more of my capabilities than I have used before. Restore and heal the faculties of my mind and body that still confuse others and even myself with confusing codes that still are damaged from sin. Let your love glow more clearly from my face, from my body language and from my voice. Let your glory be more clearly exposed through your presence dwelling in my heart – for your reputation's sake.

A Problem of Good

Possibly one of the most difficult temptations to discern are desires to do something really nice. I am just starting to recognize this temptation more clearly even though it has been one that has tripped me up repeatedly for many years.

Yes, I know it sounds strange to place a desire to do something nice or good in the category of being a temptation which can lead me into a state of sin. But that is precisely why it is so difficult to discern and relate to properly – because it comes in such a way as to appear to be already something good and therefore I have no need to suspect any evil might come of it. It is so easy to just indulge in it without thinking about it, believing that I can trust the good nature that God has been developing in me over the years. But therein lies the very trap of which I speak.

Now, don't get cynical and think that I am saying that I shouldn't ever do anything nice for anyone or follow my impulses to bless others. That is simplistic thinking and is actually part of the very reasoning that has been my own downfall all this time. The subtlety of this temptation is so deceptive that it needs careful examination to realize the inherent danger in something that appears so patently safe going into it. It is the very fact that a desire or impulse seems so benign as to not illicit feelings of apprehension that gives this type of temptation so much effectiveness.

This was brought to my attention this morning before I once again fell all the way into a slippery trap of yet another one of these little weasels. I was sitting here thinking about something exciting that I had asked someone else to do for me yesterday to make them feel special. As I was sitting here contemplating how nice this could all work out, I felt the quiet conviction of the Holy Spirit asking me if I had checked with Him on this matter. As a result I began to become aware that this could easily slip into yet another one of those frustrating episodes of chagrin that are all too familiar to me, ones where I suddenly discover that things don't work out the way my original motives desire.

I am all too familiar with the terrible results of this trap that is subtly designed to humiliate me, to embarrass me and even to destroy tragically very tender relationships with important people in my life. Of course I can seldom see the dark side of this trap until it is too late and then I usually find myself in a very defensive posture trying to explain my motives to a disbelieving and skeptical crowd. At that point it is very easy to move into anger and resentment which then tempts me to vow I will never ever do something nice like that again to avoid getting into yet another nasty situation that causes me so much pain.

But then I always end up having to repent of that kind of thinking because it stands as a block against doing many of the things that God's Spirit wants to prompt me to do legitimately. So I end up with more painful callouses and memories that haunt me in my collection called Hall of Shame. This has been a source of life-long frustration for me at best and I have puzzled many times as to the loop-hole that Satan accesses in me to keep getting me into these situations.

When I am coming up on the approach side of these circumstances I so often seem blind to any danger signs warning me that there could be inappropriate situations ahead that will cause consequences I don't want. Others seem impatient with me and believe that I am just very dense or stubborn or even in denial to what to them seems like the obvious. But when I consider looking at the situation through their reasons for apprehension I am always put off by the large amount of fear and tradition and even seeming insensitivity that I perceive in their logic. I feel that because they do not appreciate the values that I have for people's feelings and heart needs that they are simply playing it safe and in the process become hardened in their own hearts to the needs of those around them.

Even as I write this I can physically feel the intensity of these defensive emotions swelling up in my chest as I remember various times when I have felt very defensive and misunderstood by everyone around me. I feel betrayed, maligned, shamed and attacked. This is all part of the typical scenario that plays itself out over and over each time this little demon catches me in its cycle of deception. And while I still cannot embrace the reasonings of those who think I am just stupid to fall into what seems to be obvious traps to them, I do want to uncover the real reasons that cause me to find myself repeatedly getting sucked into this nasty pit.

As I began unpacking this over the past few minutes a story came to my mind of someone in the Bible who got caught by the very same demonic trap that specializes in this type of nasty behavior. This Bible character was one of the most respected leaders of God's people and was used by God mightily to accomplish many amazing feats of victory. And yet because he acted on good impulses very much like I have done many times, he found himself in the very same hole of intense criticism, embarrassment and shame that has ended up becoming a part of his reputation for thousands of years afterward.

Since the stories in the Bible were given for our benefit and training, I know that I will very likely find important insights as to the real nature of my blind spots in this area. But I also sense that I need to look much deeper than the simplistic obvious explanations of this story if I am going to find important keys to help me repair whatever it is that keeps getting me into this sand trap.

The story of this ancient encounter is found in chapter nine of Joshua. It is a very familiar story with a seemingly obvious punch line. I just took time to read the whole story and understand that some of the details do not necessarily apply to all of my situations. But the core principle of the lesson of this story does apply very much should be of use for me to apply to my own habits of reasoning. I am also sure that God will remind me of this story over time and continue to impress me with more points that need to be incorporated into my mental early warning system.

One of the main points that is very easy to miss in this story that has come to my attention is what I have previously called the “Elijah syndrome”. It is the great but very hidden danger that a person nearly always finds themselves in after having experienced very rich and exciting times participating in some of God's dramatic exhibitions of power. I have noticed over the years that this is a pattern that is repeated much more than many people are aware of and causes a lot more problems than most suspect. It is one of the most subtle forms of temptation because it approaches us when we feel the most invincible and are enjoying the presence of God at levels that we are seldom privileged to experience. These problem do not always necessarily happen on the heels of intense encounters with God's obvious presence, but the common theme is often a sense of security and peace in knowing that we are in sync with God which can create this most subtle situation of vulnerability that I am looking to expose.

Now, the knee-jerk reaction of typical solution-based religion might be to simply avoid feeling high on God, to believe that allowing emotions themselves to overwhelm us in the presence of God is in itself a mistake to be avoided at all times. This is the tack that I was taught for many years. But long ago I rejected that defensive position because I found it to be a major obstacle to having my heart connect effectively with the heart of God. I have come to see this belief as one of the pillars of legalism which has been a terrible curse for most of my life and has kept me from enjoying intimacy with God that I now see as the central focus of all true spirituality.

I have not changed my mind at all in my opinion about this false approach for avoiding this temptation. I don't think that Elijah should have avoided having his emotions aroused on Mount Carmel or that Joshua should have been dead-pan about the wonderful experiences he had just come through with Jericho and Ai. No, I completely reject a religion that condemns the full participation of our emotions. To the contrary, I believe that a religion that refuses emotions their proper place is a counterfeit religion to be shunned as much as other false doctrines. But that is a peripheral issue at this time even though some would like to make it the main issue.

I believe that a religion that bans the full participation of our emotions is a religion that also bans the involvement of our heart. And since the only true religion that makes a real saving difference in our life is a heart-based religion, then I am committed to a pursuit of knowing God with all of my heart and emotions along with my intellect and every other part of my being as God said we should. But at the same time I need to become aware of how Satan manipulates my emotions to create this loop-hole through which he gets access to my heart and causes me to be deceived by these kinds of subtle temptations just as Joshua got caught in.

My Eyes Are On You

I am still dealing with the swirling emotions inside related to a number of situations. But what I am aware of is that the real issue has little to do with the current situations and much more to do with deep, unresolved issues from long ago that still haunt me and dictate far too much of my current feelings and reactions.

Much of the information that I have been blessed with over the past years about healing of damaged emotions, freedom from internal embedded lies and the real truth about forgiveness and about God's feelings toward me are all coming into play in addressing my sensations of current re-ignition of old fires. But at the same time I am feeling somewhat a sense of confusion, or maybe more along the lines of a loss of perspective. I feel the increasing need for others to remind me of who I really am – except that I have serious doubts as to whether anyone really does know who I really am.

One thing that keeps coming back to my attention is the issue of forgiveness. As I was thinking about forgiveness a couple days ago in reference to my current repeated temptations to indulge in feelings of anger and bitterness toward those who are acting wickedly, the distinct realization came to me that forgiveness is very much like dying. The more that I sense the real truth about forgiveness the more it resembles in many respects a choice to die. I suspect that this is maybe why Jesus talked so much about dying to self if we ever want to enjoy real life as it was designed for us.

This also confirms for me that the typical notions about forgiveness are seriously off track. Most of peoples assumptions about forgiveness do not go anywhere near causing one to feel like they are dying. Many of them feel much more like engaging in a very long-term intense effort to suppress feelings of resentment, rage and desires for revenge. Because pseudo-forgiveness does not get rid of the original cause for the internal pain we suffer emotionally, we end up having to continue to deal with that pain over and over again and get very discouraged thinking that this whole notion of forgiveness may be just a mistaken idea that doesn't really change anything.

But I have been exposed to much clearer insights about the real truth of forgiveness that have caused me to shudder at its intensity to its similarity to death. Real forgiveness is far more sobering than the false concepts of forgiveness and makes a person reevaluate and take stock if they really want to do this or not. It forces a person to tally up the pros and cons of whether this is going to be worth the risk involved, whether this is going to produce a decent return on the investment made in ways that we often don't take into account.

This accounting and evaluation of whether real forgiveness is worth investing in will be heavily weighted and influenced by what we believe about the value and truthfulness of Jesus' assessments of the factors involved. If we come to decide that forgiveness is worth the high risk involved, it is only going to happen if we can come to believe that we can trust God's viewpoint about the risks and benefits that He says play into the decision long-term. Because in our own experience the benefits are sometimes not seen at all in some situations and are delayed uncomfortably in many others.

So it seems from this perspective that to take the risk of choosing to forgive someone that we first have to have a certain amount of trust in the integrity of the God who tells us that this is the only real option we have if we want to live in true freedom and enjoy life. Of course this is the same God who also tells us that if we want to save our life we have to be willing to let go of it; all those who try to keep their life will end up losing it. This all sort of has a similar ring to it as the issues I am starting to see in forgiveness.

I keep finding myself going back to the parable of the debtor in Matthew 18 where I learned the most stunning truth about forgiveness a number of years ago. I keep reflecting on the implications embedded in this story and consider how they relate to other stories by Jesus about forgiveness and related issues.

The original creditor in this story chose to forgive the astoundingly enormous debt by the first debtor – 150,000 years of normal wages! We tend to focus on the size of the debt as well as the cluelessness of the debtor to seemingly comprehend the gravity of his situation as demonstrated by his actions soon afterward. But I am drawn to consider the situation of the first person in this story, the master who forgave this enormous debt to start with because, it says, he had compassion.

It occurs to me that the loss that was incurred by the master is seldom very seriously considered in this story. We almost take for granted that it should have been somehow easy for him to just offer this forgiveness. Maybe we think that we was so incredibly rich that he might not really be affected by this write-off of this incredible debt. But that is not necessarily true. Because the size of this debt is so staggering, I think that we tend to gloss over the cost that was involved for the master to simply write it off and give up his right to collect on this debt.

It is this point right here where I am beginning to see the connection with death being closely linked with forgiveness. By relinquishing his right to collect on the debt, this master had to of experienced something very similar to death himself. If someone owed me that kind of money – well, I really can't even relate to how much money that really means. I guess this would somehow need to be put in a context that would make more sense emotionally to me.

This is the part of the story that I sense I must connect with for it to have its intended effect. Until I can begin to really sense and appreciate how much it really cost the master to forgive this level of debt that was legitimately owed to him, I cannot begin to really appreciate the intensity of that kind of forgiveness.

I suppose that the reason Jesus used this figure and put it into monetary language was to attempt to make it relevant so that we could begin to sense the value that God gave up in order to offer forgiveness to us. Saying that the debt was this size in terms of wages is trying to connect us to the fact that it is something extremely valuable involved here, something of unimaginable worth, something very costly to the original owner that had to be relinquished in exchange for settling the account that prevented these two people from being able to have a good relationship.

This master did not just temporarily suspend the debt for this debtor and then later re-institute it as most people assume when they read this story. There is not the slightest hint that the debt was ever re-imposed by the master. In fact, in the story it states very clearly twice that the debt was forgiven. This infers that the master had officially given up all rights permanently to ever collect on this debt again; he had literally died, so to speak, to his rights to collect or hold this account open against the debtor. This was an irreversible decision on his part but was taken by his own free choice with full knowledge of the enormous risk and loss that would be involved.

Compassion is the key element here that maybe lies at the root of part of my problem struggling with my own need to forgive. And I suspect that it also betrays the real reason that the debtor in this story seemed to have such a problem himself learning how to properly relate to those who were in debt to him. This element of compassion somehow baffles me and even frightens me in a way. I used to think that I had a lot of compassion inside of me, but now I sense that my compassion may actually be something else, more of a self-serving sympathy for only selected people whom I think may deserve getting a break from me. Or worse yet, it may be subconscious manipulative way for me to get others to appreciate and love me more.

The deeper I get into pondering this problem the more uneasy I am feeling. If what I am sensing is true, I am finding myself closer and closer to having to identify myself in this story with the ungrateful debtor who seemed unable to feel real compassion for those who owed him instead of being able to identify with the master who was able to so apparently quickly forgive a debt that I can't even wrap my mind around.

And that is really where I am starting to see that my own problem lies. I really am too much like the debtor who seemed clueless as to the enormity of his debt. Just like Simon at the feast where Mary anointed Jesus' feet, I find myself unable to see myself as the greater debtor weighted under an unthinkable debt toward God needing enormous amounts of forgiveness. To be really honest, I have never been able to identify very well with people who talk about our immense level of debt toward a God who provides us with life and blessings and grace all the time with very little in return. Yes, intellectually I can assent to that theory, but my heart does not buy into it yet. I really am an ungrateful debtor and I am getting more exposed as such all the time.

Maybe this is part of my rage problem. Oh no. Here we go on another discomforting insight that I wasn't expecting. It just became obvious to me that this debtor who was clueless about the size and impossibility of paying off his own debt displayed these very symptoms of rage and resentment against those who owed him. I suspect that these two things go together inseparably. My ignorance of just how much debt I owe is betrayed by how much struggle I find myself in trying to forgive someone else who has created a debt in me.

But I really don't see the answer for my problem very well yet. And that itself is quite frightening to me. I have always been amazed in this story of how this debtor could act so callously toward another person after just having such an enormous debt paid off from his account. But now I find myself in that very situation and am amazed at my own lack of ability to sense the same thing that I feel critical about in this debtor. That insight certainly doesn't leave me with warm fuzzies. That means that if I can't figure out how to have my perception changed about my own situation and whatever debt I have incurred that is so big, I am very likely to continue to live and relate to others the way this debtor did. And after reading the end of the story I really don't like that option in the least.

So far I can't detect any clues in this story as to how this ungrateful debtor was supposed to be able to change his perception of his own attitude and situation other than living under torture and in prison until he was willing to wake up to the option of freedom implied in the directions given to him near the end. But I really don't like that part of the story either, especially as I am seeing myself very much in his shoes right now. I don't know of anyone who thinks that being tortured in prison is something to look forward to. In fact, I rather suspect that this would only cause me to become even more angry, resentful and bitter. Given treatment like that I am afraid that I would melt into a ball of uncontrollable rage and hatred – which is generally the fuel that torturers love to feed off of and intensifies their delight. I really don't like where this story is taking me now.

I must find freedom from this rage and bitterness and hatred that is holding my soul hostage. It has affected me for most of my life, and even though it has not been very noticeable, at least not very often publicly, it has remained hidden deep in my subconscious memories and emotional psyche. I have felt its flames emerge at different times to torture me and cause me embarrassment occasionally and have had to be very careful to not burn others with its acid bitterness. But I am becoming increasingly aware of it over the past few days and sense that God is wanting to take me on a healing journey that is going to be way out of my comfort zone very soon.

I am not sure how to prepare myself for this trip. I have been feeding my mind with large doses of truth about God's love over the past few weeks and I wonder if that is not part of what is precipitating some of this happening right now. I wonder if I have been given enough soul training for the past few years that I am now prepared subconsciously to engage in an experience that will max out my ability to cope with old traumas so big that they will require a very large joy-bucket to handle them. Those familiar with some of the things I have been learning about the brain from James Wilder will know what this means.

Whatever is happening, I have to cling very hard to what I have been learning about the goodness and faithfulness of God to get through what I sense is starting to happen in my life. I am feeling more and more out of control and that is frightening to me. At the same time I almost feel a little sense of relief that maybe I am finally starting to really grow in some areas that have been deeply stuck nearly all of my life. One thing is very certain – I do not feel capable of facing this alone. I feel very inadequate to survive the trauma that I fear I am going to have to face as I experience eruptions from this deep cauldron deep in my psyche that has simmered for many years out of sight.

Part of my deep fears about this is that my reputation is likely to be seriously damaged at best. I am frightened at what people will think about me when they see feelings and attitudes and outbursts that are totally unlike anything they have ever seen before if they happen to occur during my healing process. I am also afraid that if this were to happen then God's reputation could be seriously damaged as well after all the things I have talked about. People may assume that I am supposed to be a demonstration of all the good things that I have been learning about what God is like. People might feel good reason to question whether God is really capable of changing a person who suddenly seems to be falling apart in the wrong directions as old garbage begins to spill out into the open. And even though that may or may not be part of what is seen in public, I suspect that at least part of this is going to be required for me to get the deep healing that must take place if I am to really move on from this wilderness I have been circling in for about forty years.

Now isn't that uncanny. I never thought of that before. I have spent very close to forty years stuck in this trap of internal, unresolved rage about things I have never even understood myself. Just like the children of Israel in the wilderness I have been learning and practicing and processing all sorts of things about truth and principles and experiences with God, but I still feel like I have not crossed over into a better land yet.

And maybe that is the best news about this that I have detected yet. Maybe God is about to show me a much better land flowing with good things that I have only hoped to imagine before. Maybe as I die to self and pass through a flooded obstacle, a river full of danger, hopelessness and fear, that through the miracle of God's providence and His resurrection power I may come out the other side to begin a life of miracles and conquests in which I can watch God knock down invincible walls of resistance and allow Him to drive out all the enemies in a land that He has promised for me.

I am choosing to trust Him in this. I really don't know how to progress from here. I do sense that I must make daily choices that will align me with His impressions about forgiveness to the best of my ability. He will have to provide the motivations, the feelings, the awareness of my enormous incurred debt with Him and the compassion that I need toward those who have incurred debt with me. He is the only source for all of these things that I so desperately need. So, like Jehoshaphat who was faced with overwhelming odds and very real threats to his very existence, I say with him – I don't know what to do but my eyes are on You.