Choir of my Dreams

A had one of those rare dreams last night that I deeply regretted waking up from. Then I wanted to get up and try to write it down before it was gone even though it was around 1 AM but much of it faded from memory in a short time. I suppose the one reason for that is that it was more of an emotional dream than it was a factual one. What made it so intense (besides the presence of unusual herbs and flavors from the Japanese meal last night) was that it seems to be a very strong message from very deep in my psyche of long-lost, unfulfilled longings and desires. It seemed to last for quite an extended period. What I can remember is the general gist and outline of the events and feelings, particularly the overwhelming emotion that I had that woke me up.

It seemed to begin when I was enjoying a visiting academy school choir performing music that I really liked. They did not seem to be people that I knew particularly but I just remember enjoying the music very much. After that I must have followed them from place to place to continue listening to their various concerts and selections. It also seems there was quite a variety of outfits that they wore as well as music that they presented. You know how dreams can be, not necessarily logical in sequence or substance so many of the connecting details were not present.

Over time my emotional attachment to this group began to grow very strong even though they did not know me very well. It seems that I began to mingle with them in other activities such as in the dorm, during practices etc. I wish that I could remember more but the details have so escaped me. What I do remember was the last scene where I found myself slowly walking down a hallway next to the practice area looking over the music they were preparing for the next concert but more focused on my intense emotions than on the music. At this point I must have been invited to be an assistant director of the choir but the decision was not yet final or maybe was contingent on the members acceptance of me or whatever.

What I do know is that the combination of the powerful effect that the music had on my soul and the intense desire I had in my heart to be accepted and wanted by these friendly, fun-loving young people, my deepest longings to be a part of what was happening here were greater than I can remember experiencing for most of my life. I was suddenly aware that there was an extremely deep reservoir of hunger, a desire for satisfaction that had never been met, dreams long forgotten that had never been realized that lay dormant in my heart. As I walked down that hallway intensely hoping to be fully embraced and loved and included by this exciting group of vibrant young people, the tears began to well up in my eyes. Then I was challenged by the usual confrontation of emotions about whether I should allow my feelings to be visible to others or should repress them or hide them as I usually do. As I considered this I decided that it would make more sense to try to let my emotions be seen, to be real if I wanted them to accept me.

I found myself a little frustrated that the young people talking, laughing and singing next to me were not noticing my emotions and asking me what was going on. They were understandingly too preoccupied with each other to notice me as I continued to slowly walk down the hall. It seemed that my opportunity was about to slip away which only intensified my desire. Then the worst tragedy of all took place – I began to wake up slowly and I began to realize that it really was only a dream. I desperately tried to return to the dream and stay asleep, but as is usually the case, the harder you try to stay asleep the quicker you wake up simply from the infusion of left-brain logic that disrupts the atmosphere conducive to the dream.

So I was left laying there contemplating the remnants of the dream and its emotions and wondering what it might mean, if anything. I asked God if there was some meaning or possible indication of a future event in this dream but heard no clear response. So I just pondered why I felt so strongly about it. The only clear ideas that emerged were that it was clearly a message from areas of my heart that had not been heard from in many years. In a way that might be good in that my attempts to listen to my heart more lately are starting to allow it to communicate more, albeit very timidly.

Another frightening message is that I may be far more vulnerable to heart-oriented surprise attacks than I ever dreamed possible. Like the explanation that I heard from Jim Wilder about why so many prominent preachers who are very experienced and knowledgeable are suddenly tripped up in moral failure. He points out that the knowledge does very little to prevent they collapse because the real problem lies in the lack of joy relationships in their life. So when someone comes along who suddenly fills forgotten but very intense longings hidden deep in their hearts that they were not even aware of, they are very easily unbalanced and dislodged from all the professions and religious claims they have publicly stood on for so many years. They painfully realize that they have masked over and ignored their heart in their lifelong struggle for intellectual knowledge and “success”. Now they are ready to trade it all in along with their reputation, their livelihood and even their families for the hope of satisfying the deep, gaping hole they now realize exists in their real heart.

This potential is certainly not hypothetical – it is very real and is likely one of the greatest traps threatening millions of people unconscious of its existence. What I experienced in my dream seemed to fit this scenario except for the immoral opportunity, although it could easily include that if I was not careful. Maybe it was revealing a different solution to the very real problem of dormant lost dreams and unsatisfied heart-longings that could be yet realized in a positive environment. I do not have a conclusive understanding of what this meant or if there even is a reason for it. I guess that mostly it was a reminder that there is a whole lot more inside of me than I have been aware of and that I need to stay very focused on God to protect me from being blind-sided by attacks aimed at exploiting this very vulnerable area of my soul.

I also have to be careful not to respond by trying to ignore and repress these deep desires. Those emotions can easily overwhelm rules and parameters if they are not understood and respected. I must remember that only God can really satisfy my deepest cravings and that He will indeed do so in the safety of His ways and protections. It could turn into a very wild and possibly confusing time of transition because I will not be able to see where I am going at the time. But faith is believing in the good and perfect motives of the One into whose hands I continue to commit my present and future. God created my heart to start with and He is certainly not ignorant of the depth of my unfulfilled longings. He has a plan that will more than satisfy and ravish my heart while staying in the parameters of safety that will protect my heart from destructive and malicious evil that masquerades as an effective answer for my heart.

God, I trust you to protect my heart while at the same time making me aware of who I am, who I can become and experiencing much deeper, satisfying relationships with others that you will connect me with at a heart level. Only You can give me real satisfaction, and You will use others along with your personal presence to grow me into an exhibition of your grace and glory.

Just for information sake - I may not be posting very much for the next week or two. My new laptop suddenly lost the light for the screen which makes it nearly impossible to read. I am having to send it in for warranty repair and so will have limited access to the internet until it is returned. If I get a chance to stop by here using other people's computers like I am right now I may be able to make a few posts or read comments in the meantime. And I will also be enjoying reading other people's blogs at the same time. I suppose this will give me time to practice growing my heart in some of the areas that my mind has been blogging about lately. And I also suspect I may have to go back to the old-fashioned method of writing my thoughts by hand on a pad when my head gets too full of inspiration to keep it all in. Then I will just have to come back later and backfill in my blog when I get things back to "normal". This blog is definitely having an affect on the way I think and relate. It started out as just sort of a way to express and vent ideas and feelings that I have to no one in particular, just to get them out. But as a few people have begun to read my posts on somewhat of a regular basis it has caused a subtle shift in my thinking to almost be more of a dialog. This can have the effect of being somewhat inhibiting, but I have tried to resist that feeling and continue to be honest and open about what I write. I want to resist writing that conforms to what others may want to hear or expect and just share what is in my mind and heart at the point of writing. I know how much I enjoy reading other blogs that have the ring of authenticity about them and how little I enjoy the ones that seem to have an agenda and are targeted at changing the reader's minds. I guess for now I still prefer to stay on the more authentic side as that was the original purpose that I started blogging in the first place.

Intercession

Again, this morning's reading in My Utmost is a fresh revelation and a conviction. It defines intercessory prayer in a whole new light that makes so much more sense than all the postulations of preachers and teachers for decades. I, like so many others, have secretly struggled with the “practice” of prayer for most of my life. For many years it was somewhat more of an obligation and a duty more than anything else.

Much of what is taught about prayer seems to be based on “formula thinking”. We often think that people who pray a lot are more religious than others and that may be true. But again, I believe there is a vast difference between religion and spirituality. As Oswald Chambers states in this passage, “God is amazed at such thoughts about prayer”.

I found his definition of “intercession” to be most helpful in restructuring my opinions about effective prayer. “Intercession means raising ourselves up to the point of getting the mind of Christ regarding the person for whom we are praying (see Phil. 2:5).” This really deflates the idea of imploring God to do something we want Him to do for another person or for a situation. It really takes us back to a reevaluation of what the Great Controversy is all about – saving us for heaven or vindicating the truth about what God is really like. In harmony with the first vein the passage goes on to say, “Instead of worshiping God, we recite speeches to God about how prayer is supposed to work.... When we lose sight of God, we become hard and dogmatic. We throw our petitions at His throne and dictate to Him what we want Him to do. We don't worship God, nor do we seek to conform our minds to the mind of Christ. And if we are hard toward God, we will become hard toward other people.”

I need to be reminded of this principle often. It is very easy for me to feel hardened, especially toward certain people. And is this statement holds true, that is simply an indicator that, despite all my profession or assumptions about my relationship with God, in reality my heart must be much harder against God than I can perceive myself.

The last paragraph is a needed rebuke for my inherited penchant toward criticism of others in the church. “Do you find yourself thinking that there is no one interceding properly? Then be that person yourself. Be a person who worships God and lives in a holy relationship with Him. Get involved in the real work of intercession....” (My Utmost for His Highest 3/30 edited version)

I want to have the mind of Christ as it is my privilege and honor to have. I want to have the eyes of heaven to see people the way God sees them, to have compassion for the pain they try to hide inside, to have a spirit of instant forgiveness when they attack me in their pain, to have the unconditional, accepting love toward others that they have never experienced before and can hardly believe even exists. That will be a supernatural miracle if it is seen coming from this source. But that is what I pray for today. And I am glad you are interceding for me too.

Religious or being Spiritually Real

Sometimes when I am reading the day's selection from My Utmost, I find it impossible to find a way to express the intensity of the truths any other way than how they are already put down. All I can do is supply the thoughts and memories that are awakened and stirred in my mind and heart as I am reading. Today's passage was one of those. If you do not own one of these books and you are wanting to be serious about experiencing true reality, I suggest that you go out and buy one soon. They usually only cost about $5 and can be found in any Christian bookstore. This book and author is considered one of the all-time great classics and nearly every day that I read it I can easily see why. I just wish that I had started reading it 40 years ago instead of 7 or 8.

One of the things I took to doing in my daily reading of this book each year is making notations in the margin along with excessively underling many portions. One of the things I look for in each passage are self-definitions of words and terms. I have found this helpful not only with this author but with everything I read. Each author has in their mind a particular meaning for the words they choose that may often be quite different than what we understand them to mean, particularly if it was written over 50 or 100 year ago as is the case here. For example, Chambers defines clearly what he means by the word “lust”. In his writings lust means “I must have it right now”. The main emphasis in his mind is the demanding, impatient nature of our spirit, not whatever it is that we are desiring at the moment.

Of course, most of us have almost exclusively associated lust with sexual activities and thoughts so this definition by Oswald Chambers comes as a bit of a shock to many of us. But it also help greatly in understanding the real point the author is trying to make any time they use the word when we allow the definition that they supply themselves even if it is quite different or even opposite of what we expect.

I have noticed this problem with words and terms from the Bible as well and we would understand a great deal more about God if we took the time to let Him define His terms instead of overlaying our very limited current usage of words and terms on Scripture and then extrapolating all sorts of strange doctrines and rules to define Christianity.

“A Christian worker's greatest need is a readiness to face Jesus Christ at any and every turn. This is not easy, no matter what our experience has been. This battle is not against sin, difficulties, or circumstances, but against being so absorbed in our service to Jesus Christ that we are not ready to face Jesus Himself at every turn. The greatest need is not facing our beliefs or doctrines, or even facing the question of whether or not we are of any use to Him, but the need is to face Him.”

As is the case throughout most of this book, I am strongly reminded here that I am always in danger of allowing all sorts of good things distract me from the one and only important thing in life – facing God openly and constantly with my heart, soul and mind. And those distractions often appear to be things that fool me into thinking I am doing what is important, things like “service to Jesus Christ”, studying “doctrines”, working on my “religious experience” and examining my “beliefs”. While all of those things should not be ignored they can so easily eclipse the one, most important thing of staying in the presence of the One who created me, Who loves me unlimitedly and Who is the only source of real life and satisfaction.

“Jesus rarely comes where we expect Him; He appears where we least expect Him, and always in the most illogical situations. The only way a servant can remain true to God is to be ready for the Lord's surprise visits.”

This reminds me of the times – the least-expected most illogical times – when my heart has been suddenly awakened and my mind squirmed with great protests in trying to avoid embarrassment and shame. Unfortunately my mind usually wins out and I suppress my emotions and feelings for the sake of “saving face”. But always I regret it later when I realize that I once again probably missed an opportunity to experience something very significant, possible a surprise visit by God to take me to another level of intimacy with Him.

“This readiness will not be brought about by service, but through intense spiritual reality, expecting Jesus Christ at every turn. This sense of expectation will give our life the attitude of childlike wonder He wants it to have. If we are going to be ready for Jesus Christ, we have to stop being religious. In other words, we must stop using religion as if it were some kind of a lofty lifestyle – we must be spiritually real.”

First I would like to point out that I believe one of the most tragic things most of us have lost and subconsciously mourn is our sense of “childlike wonder” and the accompanying freedom of innocence and abandon and joy that it seems only young children are capable of enjoying. All too soon the world moves in to begin its destructive, damaging abusive activities on the hearts, minds and bodies of the young to steal from them the natural reflections of God's character and personality that still persist after thousands of years of sin. And worse than that, much of this damage is carried out under the cloak of “religion”, whether in the family or in the church. It is no wonder then that Chambers says that “we have to stop being religious” if we are going to be ready for Jesus Christ. The true alternative to this counterfeit is to “be spiritually real”.

The amazing thing about this statement is that many times the people I meet who have more of an aura of being “spiritually real” about them are often people who have little to nothing to do with organized religion. And while I cannot blame them for that considering that state of “religion” today, I believe they are potentially ripe for experiencing true spirituality if they are really honest enough to accept the real truths about God that He has expressed. They are often very much closer to the “kingdom of heaven”, according to Jesus Himself, than most of the “religious” people claiming to be in charge of that kingdom.

The last paragraph of this passage is a description of those who choose to accept the challenge of getting real instead of acting religious.

“If you are avoiding the call of the religious thinking of today's world, and instead are 'looking unto Jesus' (Hebrews 12:2), setting your heart on what He wants, and thinking His thought, you will be considered impractical and a daydreamer. But when He suddenly appears in the work of the heat of the day, you will be the only one who is ready. You should trust no one, and even ignore the finest saint on earth if he blocks your sight of Jesus Christ.” (My Utmost for His Highest 3/29 edited version)

Debating with the Heart

As I read the two devotional books that I am using this morning, I was impressed at the convergence on one theme – living from the heart verses any other alternative. The reading in Sons and Daughters of God was about Moses. I learned a number of things I had not known before. But nearly all of them revolved around God's training for Moses to teach him to live from his heart. What is even more instructive is that it appears that living from the heart seems to be synonymous with consistently living in the awareness of the presence of God and in complete trust in Him.

The first time Moses fled from Egypt for his life he had tried to employ the counterfeit tool of force to accomplish God's purposes. Even though he was loyal to God, while growing up in the system of the world his heart and mind had been deceived to the point where he believed in the idea still popular today that God's role is to give us goals and then add power to our plans to accomplish those goals. Like a country song I couldn't help overhearing on someone's radio yesterday, “God rules the world with a staff and rod – me 'n God, we're a team.”

So after Moses made a spectacular failure trying to free his countrymen with force and was then overcome by fear and terror, he ran for his life into the wilderness expecting to never be seen or heard from again in Egypt. “Then, in a special sense, God undertook his training.... He had yet to learn the lesson of dependence upon divine power. He had mistaken God's purpose. It was his hope to deliver Israel by force of arms. For this he risked all, and failed.”

“In the stern simplicity of the wilderness . . . Moses gained that which went with him throughout the years of his toilsome and care-burdened life,--a sense of the personal presence of the Divine One. . . . When misunderstood and misrepresented, when called to bear reproach and insult, to face danger and death, he was able to endure 'as seeing him who is invisible.'”

What struck me as very significant in this passage was the following result seen in his life after he learned to live with “a sense of the personal presence” of God and had time to develop the characteristics of a shepherd in the desert. By the time he was sent back to Egypt to fulfill God's desires and represent the truth about God before the whole world, he had become one of the world's most skilled examples of living from his heart in sympathy with God.

“He spoke from the heart and it reached the heart. He was accomplished in knowledge and yet simple as a child in the manifestation of his deep sympathies. Endowed with a remarkable instinct, he could judge instantly of the needs of all who surrounded him. . . . Of the man who is noted for his meekness, Christ says, He can be trusted. Through him I can reveal Myself to the world. He will not weave into the web any threads of selfishness.” {SD 94}

That is the real goal and mission of the plan of Salvation for every one of us. That is what I want to become – one who speaks from the heart in a way that reaches other hearts and to be open as a child in my manifestation of deep sympathies.

The text used for this reading was taken from Heb. 11:27 “By faith he left Egypt, not fearing the wrath of the king; for he endured, as seeing Him who is unseen.” This alerted me to something quite amazing that I have noticed about God for some time now. It often seems the case that God takes our most humiliating and public disasters and transforms them into our most obvious strengths of character. In this case Moses is especially noted in God's “Hall of Notables” (I don't think fame is the best word in God's system) partially listed in Hebrews 11 as the person who did not fear the wrath of the king. I find that amazing after the fact that the greatest apparent failure he experienced was his untimely and shameful night trip fleeing for his life from the wrath of a king who most likely considered Moses the greatest threat to his throne and the ultimate traitor. Nothing could have been more devastating to the career of Moses than to be branded as the coward who had lost all courage while claiming to be working for God and the good of His people

And yet God picked this very focal point of shame in the life of Moses and declares in Hebrews 11 that Moses is to be remembered as one who was not afraid of the king. The contrast between his first scandalous exit and the nobility and courage that he displayed during the now famous exodus from Egypt was due to one key element in his life spelled out clearly in the text - “he endured, as seeing Him who is unseen.”

As I then opened My Utmost for His Highest for today I found it very relevant that this reading too was all about living from the heart. It was almost like a continuation of the heart-lesson that God wants to teach me right now. (The following quotes are from the edited edition of this book as I went off and left all of my study books and papers at another location on my last trip.) As in the previous quotes, there is far more in the original passages that are also excellent and instructive, but for space and time considerations I am only presenting a few of the highlights that really spoke very strongly to me.

“To put my view of His honor ahead of what He is plainly guiding me to do is never right, even though it may come from a real desire to prevent Him from being put to an open shame.... When I begin to weigh the pros and cons, and doubt and debate enter into my mind, I am bringing in an element that is not of God. This will only result in my concluding that His instructions to me were not right.”

At this point I could easily remember many times when I have indulged in debate about following instantly the impulses that I felt from the Holy Spirit. And nearly always I later regretted doing so as I had missed yet another opportunity to bless someone and/or receive a blessing or experience another step of important growth in my life. What I am starting to see here is the constant conflict between the left/intellectual side of my brain where typical “religion” resides fighting with the right/heart-oriented side of my brain trying to live out the quiet but insistent directives of the Spirit. My intellect and knowledge and formula-based religious training and my logical, flesh-dominated mind always wants to interfere with the activities of my heart. It almost seems jealous of the intimate connection that God wants to have with my heart and is always trying to insert itself into that relation. (That painfully reminds me of what I have sometimes tried to do in other people's relationships with each other that I wanted to be a part of.) That is what I see as the “element that is not of God” operating in my own experience.

“Many of us are faithful to our ideas about Jesus Christ, but how many of us are faithful to Jesus Himself? Faithfulness to Jesus means that I must step out even when and where I can't see anything (see Matthew 14:29). But faithfulness to my own ideas means that I first clear the way mentally. Faith, however, is not intellectual understanding; faith is a deliberate commitment to the Person of Jesus Christ, even when I can't see the way ahead.”

This penchant to “clear the way mentally” is one of the greatest obstacles I have seen to living from the heart. And if it is not my own mind demanding explanations on how this is all going to work out, there are usually others around ready and eager to ask those kinds of questions before being willing to encourage me to step into a position of faith. We are all probably guilty of being a source of discouragement to someone who is trying to learn to live in this condition of faith from their heart. If I have done that to you, the one who is reading this right now, please forgive me and encourage me to live from my heart in the context and awareness of the constant presence of God. And I want to strongly urge you to also practice listening to the quiet voice of God speaking to your own heart and enjoy the delights of living in His presence.

“Are you debating whether you should take a step of faith in Jesus, or whether you should wait until you can clearly see how to do what He has asked? Simply obey Him with unrestrained joy. When He tells you something and you begin to debate, it is because you have a misunderstanding of what honors Him and what doesn't. Are you faithful to Jesus, or faithful to your ideas about Him? Are you faithful to what He says, or are you trying to compromise His words with thoughts that never came from Him? 'Whatever He says to you, do it' (John 2:5).” (My Utmost for His Highest 3/28)