Positive Pressure

As I walked out of Wal-Mart yesterday I noticed that I couldn't feel the hot air outside until I had cleared the outer set of doors. Knowing how air systems typically are designed in commercial buildings like that I realized that this was because they keep the inside of the building so full of cool air that it has a little bit more pressure than the hot air outside to keep that warmer air from coming in. It is called positive air pressure and works very well to keep both buildings and even coolers from getting too warm in the summer or even too cold in the winter. It means that when you enter the building you immediately feel the temperature of the inside without much mixing of the air going on around the doorways.

But as I thought about this neat little trick that designers use to keep our bodies more comfortable while we spend our money on someone else's products, it occurred to me that my own soul is very much like that building. Depending on the attitudes and choices and self-perception that make up the atmosphere I have in my soul building will determine very much how I relate to other people around me.

I sense that sometimes I feel like maybe I have something more like negative air pressure inside of me emotionally instead of positive pressure. Negative pressure is usually referred to as vacuum. A vacuum acts very much like a dry sponge that tends to soak up moisture that it comes in contact with instead of oozing out liquid as when it is full. A vacuum condition, or negative air pressure inside of a building will draw in the atmosphere from outside whenever the doors or windows are opened and that incoming atmosphere will influence whatever is already inside the building. If it is very cold outside the incoming air will cool off the room or building below what it already is. And of course the opposite is true; if the weather is very hot and humid outside the building will begin to heat up and feel muggy inside causing much more work for the air conditioning systems.

As I continued to think about this for awhile after leaving the building I realized that this helps explain some of my dysfunctional problems with some of the people in my life at various times. When I feel emotionally empty inside in some way, when I feel an emotional craving or need that is not filled or satisfied, the natural tendency is to begin to look to someone or even some activity as a source to satisfy my desires. This is simply part of being human, how our brains are wired to operate. We are designed to have desires that need to be fulfilled and one of the most important tasks of childhood is to prepare us for moving on in maturity by learning about what truly satisfies.

Failure to learn what appropriately satisfies our needs and desires is one of the most common and basic problems in the world. Because we are so often turning to the wrong sources to find satisfaction we never really find what we are looking for but we often find something we think may do. What we usually find is something more along the lines of pleasure or something that inflates our pride (or even other more physical things like our body). Eating is a very typical outlet for cravings that has its obvious unhealthy affects on our lives. Drugs, sex, alcohol, pornography, intellectual prowess, religion in many forms, entertainment, star and model worship, social power – the list is really endless. And while not everything we turn to for satisfaction may be bad in and of itself, they are many times not the appropriate thing that addresses the need we are trying to satisfy and they thus become something of a false god for us, albeit unconsciously.

There is nothing inherently wrong even with having a sense of vacuum inside of our hearts emotionally any more than it is wrong to get physically hungry. Hunger actually is a blessing at times as it helps us become more acutely aware of flavors that we might not notice otherwise and our appreciation of food can be sharpened. But the real problem lies in when we fail to recognize the correct “food” for the specific hunger or craving that we are experiencing and instead try to address it with something else.

Those of us who grew up with a great deal of missing ingredients in our emotional life (which includes all of us to some degree or other) have some very long-term hungers that have never known much satisfaction to the degree that we sense we need. Anyone who did not receive enough unconditional love as a child or who didn't receive affirmation and repeated confirmation of their intrinsic value in the eyes of those who represented God in their young minds will have a deep reservoir of emptiness that cannot be filled with the platitudes of religious cliché's or artificial accolades from achievements or performance. They will likely find themselves struggling all their lives to discover those missing ingredients that will fill that gnawing hunger inside to feel valued and loved and worthwhile. They may try to deny it or avoid it or suppress it or even exploit it in others, but deep inside every person craves to be valued by someone else who is a significant person in their life.

Scientists have recently discovered through the latest technologies of brain science scans and research that the most important thing that every baby needs and craves above anything else is to be the sparkle in someone's eyes, to be cherished and valued by someone who is significant to them. They have even gone so far as to label this experience of being desired and cherished and loved by someone “joy”.

Joy, according to the neurology cravings in the brain, is when someone is genuinely happy to be with you no matter what the circumstances are or what your emotional condition may be. Joy is the most intense need of the human soul and this need is never outgrown. All through our lives we continue to crave and seek for someone who is willing to be glad to be with us, even in our dysfunctional moments, maybe even especially in those times. Because we know deep inside that if someone is really willing and even wants to be with us in our worst times they will certainly also be glad to be with us in our better times.

But when we grow up in a joy-starved environment our heart will continue to grope for anything that seems to address and reduce the deep pain and emptiness that we feel inside. This is the main driving force behind most addictions. This is what drives the whole porn industry and what causes most of the immorality that goes on in our world. We are all looking for someone to satisfy our deep cravings for someone to be glad to be with us and will even settle for people pretending to wanting to be with us if necessary. Sometimes people are even willing to pay people to pretend to be glad to be with them in various ways, but this only deepens our cravings in the end instead of satisfying them.

What is going on here is that we have a vacuum condition in our heart and we are opening doors or windows to various sources that in turn infect us with all sorts of contaminating influences that only aggravate our brokenness and intensify our sense of longing. This can happen in obvious ways like adultery or abuse or it can often happen in very subtle ways that are very socially acceptable. But the eternal principles continue to operate just as gravity is never suspended and we will always have problems as we remain in a vacuum condition at the heart level.

So if all these things we try to fill our hearts with don't satisfy the vacuum we feel inside, how are we supposed to have it filled? How are we to change over from having a vacuum in our heart that sucks in everything it can get hold of to fill its hunger, to a condition of being full to overflowing so that we can become givers of life instead of takers?

I could easily launch off into some great-sounding platitudes right now that I would be as disgusted with as most other people. I am asking these questions very honestly and am looking for realistic answers myself. I am describing to some extent my own condition that I often find myself in and am daily addressing in my pursuit of God and His presence. I want to be a person who really exemplifies the reality of the words of Jesus, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life. (John 4:14)

I want to know what it feels like to be so satisfied and full of life that when I am jostled that life will just spill out of me all over others. I want to be a sponge so full of life and joy that when I am squeezed that I will be life-giving instead of complaining or becoming bitter. I realize that too often in my relations with those around me I am grasping for a sense of intimacy, of belonging and desiring affirmation to fill the emptiness that I too often hide inside. Instead of denying my emptiness I want to have it so full of the life of God that I can be the one genuinely glad to be with others who are hungry and hurting and desperate for joy themselves.

Just Say It

Yesterday on the way home from work I was thinking about my relationship with God and my weaknesses in how I perceive my own identity. I thought about the discrepancy between what I have been learning and writing about and the contrasting beliefs that still lurk in many of the darker recesses of my heart. This unsettles my stability and disrupts my assurance and affects the way I relate to others and even greatly inhibits my ability to rest and trust in God at times.

I know that learning new truths about God are very important but are not enough to really transform my life in the ways that need to happen to make me a truthful and effective witness for Him. I also realize that I am generally incapable of directly changing the opinions of my heart (or anyone else's for that matter) by assaulting it with lots of information no matter how true or wonderful it may be. The heart learns primarily by imitation, by picking up on the nuances of body language, voice tone and absorbing the atmosphere of the spirit that surrounds the one it is learning from. Words for the most part seem to not get very deep into the heart part of the makeup and are not able to put down deep roots in that part of my brain. That is why a person can be very surprised at their actions or reactions when caught off guard under intense circumstances and temptations. They may suddenly find themselves doing and saying things that are later very embarrassing or humiliating and that reflect more their fallen nature of sin than reflecting the new heart Jesus has given them.

As I was reflecting on some of these things and the frustration that I experience at not being able to change my own heart's opinions about God or my feelings about myself to agree with the way He sees me, I found myself asking the question, “How can I do this? What can I do to really take hold at a deep level the real truth about my identity that God has given me and what He says about me?”

At the same time I remembered that whenever I get into times of sharing with others on a personal level the exciting truths about God that I have been learning, I often come away almost in awe myself at how much my own heart has been listening and absorbing during the conversation. I many times feel almost something like a buzz, an excitement of spirit, a warm kind of emotion that feels energizing and life-producing – I suppose it is something like the word thrive. This word has intrigued me for a number of years as something that my heart very much desires. I want to feel that sensation of thriving, of being filled with life and hope and energy and joy. I want to feel it much more often – all the time if possible. I believe that is what our hearts are all designed to crave and to enjoy because our hearts were designed to thrive in the presence of the Life-giver for eternity.

Of course it takes so much longer to describe these thoughts than the time it took for them to transpire originally. I drove along the highway contemplating this idea of my need to really embrace God's identity, His opinion about me much deeper into my psyche. I pondered His reminder of my experiences with what I suppose many people call witnessing (I still have baggage associated with that word from the past that I am getting free from slowly) and the effect that it has on myself. Then suddenly I passed a big billboard beside the road and read the words printed across the shirt pictured there.

When I read the words (and I never could figure out what the reason was for the message on the billboard), I realized they were so appropriate and direct as an answer to my unspoken question. In fact, it was so immediate that I was startled at first and then overwhelmed with gratitude and appreciation for God's willingness to communicate with me so quickly and directly through any means available. The words on the billboard simply said, “Say it out loud”.

I couldn't avoid the truth of how those words applied to the things I was thinking about. It was clear to me that God was reminding me that my heart needs to hear me express what I am learning through my own ears so that in the expression of it to others I come to believe it much more deeply myself. I have heard about this principle before but I have had some skepticism about its effectiveness because of problems I have had experimenting with it. But I have also seen it work very effectively at times and I felt more and more strongly as I drove on down the road that this message was indeed from God in direct response to my question and desire to deepen His feelings about me into the heart-part of my being.

One of the reasons I have reservations about just speaking things out loud is that my own voice still reminds me too much of the negative feelings I got for many years every time I heard my own Dad's voice. It ignited many triggers and reminded me of many hidden messages buried in the tones of voice and the phrasing of words that usually tended to make me afraid of God and of authority. Long into my adult life those triggers were still very active and potent and it was not until just a few years before his death that I was able to start effectively getting free of many of those triggers.

Tragically I reflected the same pattern of child-raising to a great extent in my own family and today my voice has a similar effect on my own children. This distresses me greatly but as I have explained to them, I only have one voice and I am stuck with it for now. Until God makes significant progress in my healing in this area of my life, I don't seem to be able to change the affect that my voice and inflections have on certain people who are triggered by it. The problem is, in the times when I try to express certain things out loud even for my own benefit I am sometimes triggered myself in much the same way. It is almost like having an emotional auto-immune disease.

But I also notice that there are other times, times when my spirit is in tune to listen to God's spirit and I am humble enough to hear and synchronize with His quiet internal suggestions while I am sharing with someone my passion for the God I am learning about; there are those times when my heart seems to begin to ignite and burn with a sensation and passion that intrigues me and actually feels more life-giving than intimidating. It feels like I am finally finding that place as a channel of the Spirit to be used to bring hope and truth and life to someone else who is willing to listen and consider what I am so excited about in my personal pursuit of God.

I feel during those times a sense of almost fear and excitement mingled together. I have fear because I know all too well how easy it is for me to allow this passion to overwhelm the other person and turn them off the to very things I want to share with them, or I might begin making the conversation about me instead of about the God I am becoming so passionate about. But I also feel excitement not only because I see new life and hope and understanding and interest being generated in another heart that is hungry to thrive but that in the process my own heart is experiencing something very similar once again.

I suppose that something my left brain is deducing from these observations is that it seems more life-producing to share with others what God is relating to me than to just try to verbalize these things for the sake of saying them out loud. However, there are also exceptions even to that that I have noticed.

I have discovered in the past few years that writing has become an outlet for things that I cannot express any other way very effectively. There have been times when I have written very passionately what was stirring in my own heart and what I was hearing from God. But when I got done writing I still felt that it was not having the effect inside of me that I needed to experience or that could be seen in the words. There was a discrepancy between two different parts of me that needed to get together in agreement and I felt impressed to go back and literally read what I had just written out loud and try to do it while engaging my emotions and feelings and heart more than with my head.

Those times felt somewhat awkward for me, for when I speak out loud it has a little of the same effect on me that having someone else in the room has to stifle and suppress very effectively my ability to externalize my deep emotions and feelings. For whatever reasons, I have been extremely intimidated to share some of the deeper emotions that make me feel extremely vulnerable and so far I have generally just played it safe. I have gotten better about sharing deeper things with others to a certain degree, but there are still many levels that I simply do not have the courage to share with anyone and even believe to some extent that it is not even appropriate to do so whether that belief is right or wrong.

But that system of inhibition even affects my ability to verbally say those same things that I feel to God even when I am alone. That does seem a bit strange. And the scary part is that I am finding it easier and easier to write these kinds of things but at the same time I still cannot speak them out loud. It is at this point of tension that sometimes God asks me to go back and read out loud what I have just written to allow it to take on another whole dimension of reality for me that I cannot experience by just leaving it in writing only.

When I have done this I have experienced new and strange feelings that definitely were along the lines of what I likely need to experience much more but is still outside my “comfort zone”. But it is very likely quite necessary if I am to effectively grow in maturity and stability and intimacy with God and even with others. It is likely indicative of yet another false god that is trying to stand in my way of connecting intimately with God's heart, a fear that resists expulsion and replacement.

As I drove on down the road toward home I took the suggestion from the billboard seriously and began to speak out loud what I thought maybe I needed to hear about God's opinions and feelings about me. At first it sounded downright cheesy and artificial and I felt like scoffing at myself. But it was likely not really me scoffing but the false gods still hanging around inside my flesh that keep insisting that they are me and reflect my identity. So I persisted and continued to grope for what to say out loud that would affirm what my left brain had on file about how God feels about me.

It did not take very long before the verbalized messages began to have their intended effects. Even though it was very brief and simplistic, the words about how God feels about me as His son began to stir my emotions unexpectedly. As I said, “I am a child of God and God takes good care of His kids. In fact, God is very jealous about taking care of them and looking out for them”, I was amazed at the power that hearing words like these had on my own heart. I began to tear up and began to feel the truth of those words in ways that I very seldom feel.

So my typically skeptical left brain is forced once again to admit that its opinions or fears about some things are simply off track and I need to obey the promptings of the Spirit more readily. I want to live a more balanced life of utilizing both my left and right brain in better synchronization with each other and with God's Spirit. And for me that generally means much more exercise in certain activities designed to engage the heart to synchronize with the truths that the left brain is embracing. I want the truth of God and His presence of love and joy to pervade both sides of my cranium and electrify all of my body so that I can glorify His name more and be restored to my original design and function.

When I opened my Bible this morning to 1 Peter 2 I immediately saw a confirmation of this from God waiting there for me. It explains not only some of the aspects of my true identity but the reason behind why I have received that identity. In verse 9 it tells me that I am chosen, part of a royal priesthood, part of a holy nation of people and that I am designed to be God's own possession. Then the very next words give the underlying reason God has given me this identity. It is so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.

While that may certainly include writing out those things about God's excellencies, it must also at times include proclaiming them verbally so that they become even more real to me. This also helps explain why evidently Jesus prayed out loud even when He was praying alone. If He had not been praying aloud His disciples would not have been able to hear what He was saying and thus had intense desire awakened in their own hearts to learn how to really pray with passion like Jesus did. I believe that Jesus realized that at least sometimes one has to pray out loud in passionate intimacy with the Father to stay fully connected with Him from both sides of the brain.

I do not take this as an arbitrary rule that I must now obey; that I must feel guilty if I don't always pray out loud. I do not feel God convicting me that only those who pray out loud will be listened to and will receive answers. That is very inconsistent with the truth about God's character that has so much warmed my heart over the past few years. However, I do feel Him reminding me that I am too much the other direction and that I will need to be more willing to engage my physical voice at certain times if I want to have more efficient growth in my soul. And I will have to leave it up to Him to heal me of the triggers that my own voice still sets off both in both myself and in others.

I sense that as the sweetness of Jesus more fully pervades my heart that the “edge” that comes through in my voice will gradually fade away. It is not something I can force on myself but is something that is going to have to happen in God's way and His timing. It is part of the transformation that He is in charge of and that I trust His faithfulness to accomplish.

For you once were NOT A PEOPLE, but now you are THE PEOPLE OF GOD; you had NOT RECEIVED MERCY, but now you have RECEIVED MERCY. (1 Peter 2:10)

The Passion Reactor

In harmony with the ever-increasing knowledge of a principle of parallels, the fact that every truth seems to have its counterfeit and every counterfeit definitely has its counterpart in truth, I am beginning to see more clearly that the core of the battle going on in the universe is a struggle to the death between passion and passion, but two different versions of passion.

This word passion has been so hijacked by the enemy that some are even afraid to attribute it to God. They have come to believe that there is no such thing as good passion. But that is not true and believing that can actually blind our minds from perceiving the true nature of the Great Controversy. For I believe that the titanic struggle going on all around and inside of us is the clash between the passion originating in God's heart that is completely selfless and constitutes pure love, and the passion first seen in the heart of Lucifer that now infects all of the world – the passion of selfishness.

I have become much more aware over the past few years of the reality of the enormous, unfathomable reservoir of passion burning in the great heart of our Creator. It is usually referred to by other names such as love or wrath. But it can equally be described as intense passion by God for an intimate and synchronized relationship with everything that has been created by His Spirit.

However, one of the created beings who was at one time the very closest of all intelligent beings to that unapproachable nuclear core of energy and powerful passion and who understood it better than any other created being in the whole universe, figured out ways to misrepresent and distort our perceptions of that passion and to hijack this foundational power source that God had implanted in the beings created in His own image.

I believe that God designed humans to be motivated and empowered by passion similar to the way He lives and functions. It is very much like a nuclear reactor that is motivated by the immense power of controlled atomic fusion. And just as nuclear power can be unleashed in controlled ways to accomplish much good or in uncontrolled ways to wreak unspeakable destruction, so too the nuclear core of passion that has been embedded in all of our hearts to be used to impart life and help us thrive can either be a source of good or unbridled evil.

When sin came into this world by the choice of Adam and Eve to turn over the control room of their nuclear reactors to God's archenemy, we lost the ability to recapture the deadly radiation that spilled out into our lives and began to quickly contaminate not only ourselves but everything and everyone around us. The security of our power plant had been breached by an enemy and when he gained control he quickly smashed the locks, began tearing down the defenses and supplanted the control programs with his own altered version. As a result our passion power plants have been malfunctioning ever since, spreading death and pain and broken relationships in place of peace and love and joy.

Just as nuclear power often carries a bad reputation because of its association with nuclear war and the disasters from mismanaged power plants, so too, passion has gained a dubious reputation as a reliable source of energy and power for our lives. It is clear that passion has very great power – that is an unavoidable fact of life. But to think that it was designed to be a legitimate means of motivation is for some Christians a disturbing thought.

What I am starting to see is that, far from desiring us to abandon all use of passion, God desires to replace our passion with His pure and holy passion. He is offering each of us the opportunity to have our security systems repaired, our reactor buildings reinforced and rebuilt and our nuclear cores refitted with fresh fuel that will burn much hotter than we have ever imagined possible. But with this new potent power in our hearts, if we allow God to fulfill the passionate desire of His heart for us we will realize that we can again function in the image of our Creator and begin to thrive and give out energy in life-giving ways that will bless those around us instead of leaking radiation and hot steam causing damage and pain and destruction.

God is not wanting to shut down our power plants because of the damage and the false operators that have taken us over. But He does need our daily permission to continue His work of expelling the false gods, of exposing the security breaches and giving us opportunity to allow Him to repair them. This is done through the means of allowing us to get triggered by someone or some circumstance that ignites a false belief deep inside that needs to be exposed and replaced. If we try to live in denial of our core faults and false beliefs in the heart that resonate during these times of exposure, we will only have them continue to be triggered in opportunity after opportunity until it is too late to have them repaired.

God will respect our choices as to whether to allow Him access to the central controls of our heart to do His reprogramming and improve our security systems or whether we will insist that we can handle some of it ourselves. But if we do not allow Him full access to every detail of our heart and our belief systems, it will be exposed sooner or later that the unrepaired, hidden faults will prove to be our undoing and will culminate in catastrophic meltdown when least expected.

God's laws and principles must be written into the code of our programs and God's principles of living, both in physical and mental arenas must be incorporated into all of our life or else our defenses will have gaps that will be exploited by the enemy of our souls. This enemy is very aware of all the aspects of our security apparatus and knows the weak areas of our passion reactor far better than we can ever know on this earth. He is determined to sabotage our passion with every means and deception possible and our only safety is to turn all authority and control over to the only One who has the wisdom and skill and power to counteract the schemes of the enemy.

One of the greatest weapons of our enemy is deception, and the very nature of deception is usually not knowing you are deceived. Pride often deflects God's attempts to alert us to our weaknesses. God has provided a way for us to become undeceived by giving us His Word in the Bible and His Spirit to properly apply that Word. But if instead, we fill our minds with the entertainment of the enemy, the news propaganda that is calculated to brainwash everyone into false assumptions about reality or any of the other many distractions provided abundantly all around us, we will not be able to enjoy the salvation purchased for us at the cost of the very life of God's Son. Many believe that they have a secure salvation and are satisfied with a partial repair job. But if our passion plant is not fully retrofitted in every respect and detail, then the time of revealing and testing will expose our vulnerabilities and we will be compromised, to put it mildly.

God, I have lived for many years either expressing passion in lethal ways or in trying to suppress it altogether. I am beginning to see that, far from living without passion, You want me to have a life with far more passion than I ever dared to think possible. I also know that my security systems and defenses are still badly damaged and my reactor has far to many cracks causing radiation leaks that hurt those around me.

I ask You, Father, to take over my control room, place your angels around the perimeter of my heart and life and home to secure the premises and continue Your work of repair, reprogramming and refueling my heart with the passion that originates in Your own heart of pure, selfless, serving love.

Install Your receiver the the power plant of my heart to synchronize my passion with Yours. Help me to avoid all false broadcasts designed to distort Your signals to my heart. Continue to accomplish Your wonderful experiment of grace in my life. Surround the core of my passion with the water of Your Spirit so that the output of my passion becomes life-giving instead of spreading pain and fear.

I am excited about Your plans for me and trust You to do whatever it is You have designed and created for me to do. Live in me every moment and link me closely with Your great heart of passion. Thank-you for hearing this prayer and thank-you for Your amazing goodness and passionate love for me.

Faces From the Past

Welcome those who are weak in faith, but not for the purpose of quarreling over opinions. (Romans 14:1 NRSV)

Do not put on one side him who is feeble in faith, and do not put him in doubt by your reasonings. (Romans 14:1 BBE)

Last night I had a stirring experience of the spirit that I want to continue and I want it to have a directional effect on my whole life. It was not a glorious moment of worship as one might think of typical worship with wonderful music and powerful feelings and sensations of God's presence. It did cause me to feel the presence of God, but much more along the lines of deepening convictions and growing revelations of my own faults and a refreshing feeling of need for the transforming grace of Jesus to radically change my deepest motives.

It all began when I remembered the request from a long-time church member for old pictures of our local church building. They are preparing for a “home-coming” later this month after finishing a major renovation and building project over the past few years that connected the church and the old school building where I attended the first eight years of my education. Since my step-mom was the church clerk for many years and was known for collecting records and making scrapbooks, they were sure that she might have some old pictures that would be useful for showing during the homecoming weekend events.

I have been quite forgetful for a number of weeks about looking for this in our home where my parents lived until they died a few years ago, but yesterday I finally had the thought and the time both together and decided to act on it right away before I forgot again and it would soon be too late. I went upstairs and began looking through old scrapbooks and photo albums and eventually found one or two pictures that will be of use.

However, in the process of searching for church pictures, I also began browsing over many pictures of my own parents and family and their old family pictures. I was surprised at how many of them I had never really noticed before and the feelings that seemed to begin to stir inside of me as I spent extra time staring at their faces and trying to perceive something about their personalities from their expressions. I realized that I had never before really taken time to look at some of these pictures of my parents when they were much younger and their parents when they were at different ages. I began to sense much more about them and see similarities between their expressions and some who have come along several generations later.

I also realized that most of the times I have looked at old pictures it has always been in the company of others who may have had their own emotions so stirred that we were all distracted from potentially sensing our own deeper potential feelings. When things like this are experienced in a group the mutual dynamics tend to overshadow the ability for any individual to go to deeper levels in their own spirit. Of course, there are significant advantages to exploring the past with others who can shed light on it. But the aspect of really focusing on one's feelings and wondering about the identity received from previous generations and how much affect that has on shaping the life and spirit and perceptions seldom happens when many people are discussing and focusing more on the externals and events of the past.

As I have tried to develop the habit of being more alert to real-time emotions over the past few years, I began to note that I had a growing sense of pain very deep in my spirit. I tried to unpack the real reasons and identify just what was involved in this pain. I felt nostalgia in some ways, but more so an intense wish that I could connect with these people and form bonds of friendship with them, listen to their stories, perceive their personalities, ask them hundreds of questions and just have the opportunity to hang out with them. The present impossibility of doing that felt repressively frustrating. I was severely limited to just staring at a piece of paper with ink on it that could only convey a snapshot of a point in time of their life and try to perceive what little could be gleaned from the look on their face, the way they dressed or the body language they expressed in their posture.

I spent some time staring intently at my own mother's face when she was much younger than I had ever known her, maybe when she was in her twenties or thirties. My mother died when I was sixteen and I have very little specific memory of what she was like now. So looking at these pictures for me seemed like trying to probe into the mind of a stranger who looked vaguely familiar. I had an unusual, intensified desire to know her heart much better and wished I could share with her my own feelings and hopes and problems. I know she was the kind of person who longed to do that for me and I caused her a lot of pain as I repulsed her attempts to connect with me. Now I wish I had another chance. But I will have to wait for heaven to reconnect with her and catch up on everything.

What seemed quite strange and surprising was that in some of the pictures of her face I thought I could sense something that reminded me strangely of my own wife. Her cheeks and mouth were distinctly different, but somewhere else in her expression, maybe her eyes, I seemed to sense something similar to the one I have been married to for over thirty years. I wondered about this sensation and also wondered if that was part of what unconsciously drew me to my wife in the first place.

I looked at pictures of her father and mother and cannot remember ever really observing them before. I could see in the faces of her siblings and parents a little of the pain and struggles that they must have felt on a daily basis. I searched their faces and eyes for clues as to how they interacted with each other and what their own deepest feelings must have been about life. But pictures are deeply frustrating things for the extreme limitations they place on communication. But they are still better than nothing.

Anyway, I realized that quite likely my own psyche was being stirred at levels not normally visited by my conscious mind and I was not sure what else might develop from this state of mind. But I also knew that I need to occasionally stir up the much deeper levels of my memories in order to allow freer access to the roots that lie buried in that mud that need much more healing from God. I knew that I was only scratching the surface, but in a sense I felt good that I was at least again feeling at all in areas that have laid dormant for many years.

My search for pictures or records took me into more rooms and old drawers and old scrapbooks that I did not even know were in the house. When I moved my search to the old office of my step-mom that contained many of her meticulous records from many decades of letters and bookkeeping I began to uncover more things that began to stir old memories and emotions. Mingled in with much of her things I also discovered some of my own old records that had been stashed in the closet when we hurriedly moved into this house originally upon her death. I even came across my academy yearbook that I was certain had been lost completely. I wonder if it was not here all along and not with my things when we moved in. Or maybe it was a copy originally given to them years ago.

As I began sorting through many papers and files that I have never seen before, I came across financial records involving the construction of this house including when I spent a summer here 34 years ago helping to start it. I found papers in my own handwriting (that amazingly has hardly changed at all) of the hours I worked getting $2.50 per hour. I also came across notes and documents that answered questions I thought had been lost with my own father's passing memories about his intervention for me when we moved away from Texas many years ago. I found the record of how much he paid my previous landlord for the large debt that I had accumulated there and refused to leave until that issue was satisfied. My Dad took out a loan to pay off my debt so that we could move away and make a fresh start in Michigan, but he refused to ever tell me how much it cost him until he couldn't even remember what he had done in later years.

Then I came across a letter that was not that old, maybe five to eight years ago. It is difficult to read the blurry postmark but it is clearly after the turn of the century. The letter was addressed to my Dad and came from myself. I knew immediately what the likely nature of the letter would be given the dynamics of our relationship at that time, but I decided to open it up and read it a little just from curiosity. Little did I know the impact it would have on my own heart and the state of my spirit that I find in myself today.

As I read through the pages that I noticed my Dad had numbered in his own handwriting, I felt like I was reading something familiar while at the same time listening in on a conversation by someone I didn't really know very well. The words conveyed very clearly a person in touch with their heart and trying to be in tune with the Spirit of God. They were appealing desperately to an old man who had become so embittered by years of indulgence in critical attitudes and interactions with others and from persistent fault-finding that he had nearly lost all ability to connect with anyone else from his heart.

I read with growing interest the words that I myself had written and was sometimes amazed at the depth of passion and the humility that came through in the letter. I felt almost ashamed that I seem to have not grown much since then and have even lost sight of some of the perceptions and attitudes expressed in the letter. It certainly brought back to my consciousness many of the issues that plagued our relationship for much of my life and in a sense I was glad for the reminder. I want to give God access to every part of my mind and memories and feelings, for anything that is not yet faced and repaired is a very dangerous liability for me when I come under unexpected pressure or trauma.

But as I finished up the letter I sensed a surprising but overwhelming conviction that I am still in extreme danger of remaining stuck in the same rut of dysfunctional relationships and attitudes as that which trapped my father and his mother and has strongly influenced most of those who have come from them in succeeding generations. Even in the letter I expressed the insight that we were very much alike, and the Spirit of God did not miss the opportunity to reinforce that point on my heart. What I began to realize is that this letter not only applied to my Dad's condition back then but nearly equally applies to my own condition right now. Even though I may not have the extreme problems of these faults fully matured in the life, the tendencies and habits are very much yet embedded in my own psyche and need to be recognized more clearly.

Particularly, I was convicted by a graphic description that I quoted from an inspired source of the activities of Lucifer when he first began to experiment with his ideas of disaffection among the pure, loving angels of heaven. What was so startling to me was the similarities between the way he related to them and the way I see myself relating to people today. I was shocked and horrified that I have so much of the spirit of the enemy operating freely and undetected in my own heart right now. I began to see the results of the subtle spirit of disaffection that still permeates too much of my attitudes but that stays out of sight below the surface avoiding detection. Truly the evil part of my nature is deceptive to the extreme and does anything to avoid exposure.

The discovery of this letter seemed to be calculated to synchronize perfectly with other convictions that God has been placing on me lately. My relationship to the local church – the very same church that my Dad had so much conflict with for so many of his later years – is unfortunately not a great deal better. My spirit at its roots is all too similar to the attitudes that my Dad was enslaved to in his dealings with religious leaders. As I pointed out in the letter to him, when looking at the results of my Dad's choices in life it is not very appealing at all for me to follow in most of his footsteps. But as much as my logical mind can reason that way, my natural tendencies subtly pull me like a strong undertow in directions that I do not want to be led.

At a deeper level I began to perceive even more the deceptive attributes of my fallen nature and its treasonous tendencies that will always lead me into disharmony with God and with those around me. I often feel like I am escaping its control over me but then come to find that it is just operating more out of sight but still all too effectively. I still feel like I am only glimpsing the tip of a giant ice burg, but I thank God that He is at least letting me see that much so that I can beg for mercy and deliverance and seek for help.

I want to cooperate with the Spirit's promptings in this area. I want to grow up and mature and move beyond the obstacles that blocked my Dad's growth for too many years. I deliberately choose to accept and acknowledge what God is showing me about myself and ask for His continued healing. I realize that I need much more help from others, even though I resent being helped by people I sometimes consider more messed up than I am. (Now isn't that a real revelation of a bit of pride.) Coming on the heels of a fresh mining experience through the chapter of Romans 13 I think I have been prepped for an even deeper work that God intends to accomplish in me.

Father, all I can do is to thank You for Your coordination of circumstances and reminders of my imperfections. I confess that I am all too much naturally like my ancestors who seemed to consistently indulge in roots of bitterness and fault-finding that has poisoned far too many people and infected several generations. I do far too much of this myself and I want complete deliverance and healing from this terrible, pervasive disease of the heart and mind. I plead for Your repair and restoration plans to take place in my heart right now. I choose to listen and respond to and agree with Your convictions and I ask for Your sweet Spirit to shine Your brilliance into my soul and expose all the evil and ugliness that still lurks inside. Cleanse me from all of it and fill my life to overflowing with the perfection of Your unselfishness, compassion, humility and genuine goodness.

Father, deliver me from the subtle habits of insinuation, of planting doubt in other hearts and manipulating opinions to make me look better than others. I can sometimes see that I do this on a regular basis and I desperately plead with You to heal me of this fault. It is so deep-rooted that there is no hope of my deliverance without Your strong intervention. Do whatever it takes to transform me into the likeness of Your Son. Glorify Your reputation in my life.

Jesus as a Mirror

Jesus became a human because it was necessary in order for Him to be incarnated into a mirror like we are. All of God's intelligent creatures are only capable of reflecting life and light, not originating it. So for the Son of God who is the originator of light and life to demonstrate how His created beings are to live in proper relationship to their true Source, He had to take on the essence of the nature of humans in order to have the credibility with us that is needed to change our minds about God.

After sin entered this world we had no way of knowing how to live in proper relationship to our only Source of life except the rules and guidelines given over the years. But rules cannot transform us, partly because they only address half the brain – the half that is far less effective over the roots of our natural behavior. We need much more than simply descriptions of what righteousness is supposed to look like, we need a real live example of what all of this business God talks about actually looks like. For the most important and powerful part of our brain, our right hemisphere, can only learn primarily by imitation, not by instruction.

So Jesus had to become a mirror like we are in order to give us an example of how to live successfully as a mirror in proper alignment with the real Source of life and light. But He went beyond that and also demonstrated the consequences of what happens when a mirror with dirt on it encounters the fiery presence of God's passion. All of the suffering and agony that finally killed the human life of the Son of Man was due to His taking onto Himself all of the guilt and condemnation, the pain and sins of every person who has ever existed. It was like piling all the mud and filth of the whole world onto the surface of His mirror and then allowing it to be exposed to a lethal dose of the laser light of God's purity and holiness.

But there was one very significant difference between Jesus' human nature and the rest of us. The sin that Jesus took upon Himself was all on the surface of His mirror creating the distortion and dissonance that killed Him as He encountered God's presence. But the sin and filth that is in our lives is within the glass and is deeply embedded in the reflective part of our psyche. Jesus did not have our propensities to evil like we experience them, but He did understand the results encountered from having those tendencies vicariously.

But in taking on our condemnation and experiencing those natural consequences so that we would understand the danger of sin more clearly, He also earned the right and authority to replace our faulty systems and reflectors with new systems designed to once again reflect the glory of God properly. He is able and eager to also engage us in a lifelong process of thoroughly cleaning and polishing our mirrors so that we will more and more perfectly reflect His face and disposition if we will allow Him permission.

Our mirrors have imperfections both on the surface and in the substrates. We have deep roots of bitterness and lies buried in our reflective layers that distort the light and creates ugliness. We also have habits, addictions and false notions that smear the surface of our mirrors that likewise distort and confuse the reflections that we emanate. We also have problems with focusing on the things of darkness and turning away from light that might expose our weakness and imperfections.

But God is in the repair and cleaning business for all who give Him permission to do so. He even works behind the scenes with those who do not yet know Him properly or who are filled with many lies about Him that keep them afraid and at a great distance from Him. There are many I believe, who cannot tolerate engaging with the God that they have heard about through the misrepresentation of those who raised them or who claim to represent Him currently in their lives. But that is not the real God who passionately loves them, it is a fictional deity that has been created by the enemy who stops at nothing to slander and distort His true image in our hearts.

So when a person claims that they want nothing to do with God or Jesus or reject the Holy Spirit as they have perceived Him through the distortions of others, He knows that they are not really talking about Him but about the caricature of Him imposed on them by their surroundings and by religious impostors. So He works quietly in the background and in their conscience sometimes for many years to untangle their many lies about Him until the day when they are ready to let down their defenses and give Him more open permission to actively engage in their restoration and repair. This is the experience I believe happened to Saul of Tarsus.

If I want to know how to live in freedom, joy and peace as a good mirror like I was created to live, then the best way to do this is to immerse myself in an emotional and deeply spiritual journey into a heart-oriented study of the example in the life of Jesus Christ. Jesus demonstrated throughout His whole life what it looks like to live as a mirror with a constant focus on the face of God while interacting with sinful humanity like we may do. He laid aside His inherent natural tendencies to always living perfectly and choose every moment to live only as a mirror in order that we might have an example to follow. It was not so much the consequent perfection of His outward actions that was our example as many have supposed, but it was the orientation of His spirit/heart mirror that was the most important aspect of His example that we need to emulate.

The very greatest temptation of Jesus while living on earth as a mirror was to allow His own natural tendencies to support or supplement Him in His life interacting with others. And His natural divine tendencies are to always do what is kind and perfect and loving and graceful. But we make a huge mistake when we believe or teach that Jesus' life was good because He was God in human form. That is precisely where His greatest temptation actually lay. He never once accessed His divinity in order to supplement His needs as a human mirror, and He did that precisely because He needed to show us how to live in total dependence on an outside source for our identity and power.

But in doing this He placed Himself in a situation far more severe than any human will ever face. For to have infinite power and natural desire to be good constantly right at your fingertips so to speak, and never access it for your advantage is the greatest temptation one could ever face. Satan knew that and did everything he could think of to amplify and exploit that vulnerability in Jesus' life.

On the other hand, we humans who have nothing but natural tendencies toward selfishness, the very opposite of Jesus' divine natural tendencies, somehow feel that we can use our own strength and abilities at times to produce what we think is a good life or to make good decisions. We have all manner of variations on this with many versions claiming we just need a little more assistance from God to accomplish it. But the message of the Bible and the example of Jesus shows us that we must come to a point of total abstinence from all dependence on our own natural tendencies whether they appear to be good or otherwise. We must follow the example of Jesus in learning to live in constant and intimate vital communion with the only Source of life and light if we are to live in righteousness as mirrors. We must live a life led by the Spirit of God if we are to be true children of God.

Jesus made it very clear that only God is righteous. Since that is a fact, then for us to be righteous while existing only as mirrors, we have to align ourselves properly with the Source of righteousness so that we can reflect that righteousness and light effectively. And when that same light exposes the filth and distortions on our own mirrors, instead of turning away from the light we need to accept His provisions for cleaning our mirrors and healing us from all the embedded flaws and cracks and brokenness so that we will reflect His light and face more accurately.

This is not an optional idea for us, it is a matter of life and death, of survival itself. For there is coming a day when the laser light of God's glory is going to be unveiled and will permeate every place of the whole universe. All who have allowed God to bring healing and wholeness to their hearts and minds and have been realigned with His perfect character and law will become an integral part of the new creation He is planning. All who are prepared will become reflectors of that powerfully dangerous but glorious light that will fill the whole world and even the universe with the dazzling light and color and love and our Creator.

But those who resent or reject His offer of repair and realignment will, upon exposure to that same laser light, find that the intensity of passionate love is far too much for their little damaged hearts to handle and all the dirt and filth and imperfections they clung to in their mirrors will become painful liabilities that resist the light. When intense, overwhelming light meets distortions and flaws in the glass or mirror, those imperfections create resistance which becomes fatal to the very existence of the mirror itself.

So we all have an individual choice to make right now. We can ask God and continue to ask Him to clean us and grow us in maturity and reveal to us what needs to be removed from our hearts and minds, or we can resist His offers of sanctification and end up self-destructing in the day when we should be glowing with the passion from the heart of God.

I want to cooperate with this process while I have been given time in this day of grace. Jesus has postponed the natural consequences of my sin by taking them on Himself at Calvary. But that does not exempt me from ignoring His provision and ending up suffering the consequences myself in that final day of revealing (judgment). I want my spirit to be perfectly aligned with the sweet spirit of Jesus and my life to become the fragrance of love that fills the courts of heaven and earth. I give my permission for God to continue His work of grace in me so that I can participate and enjoy and walk in the fire when everyone is exposed to what is currently veiled deep in the heart of God.