Why Is It So Hard For Me To Smile?

Warning! Sensitive material ahead. Handle with care.

As I contemplated this morning where I might go for Sabbath School and church, I considered my feelings that come up every time I am faced with this choice. I am also thinking about what my wife told me last night about Bruce's methods to connect with his daughter by smiling and touching. As usual, I would like to get to the bottom issue inside me and get it healed and resolved instead of spinning my wheels trying to manage symptoms.

Thinking about where to attend, I sense an intense desire to find a group of people who are glad I am with them, where I can participate and contribute and receive and fellowship. I cannot ever remember experiencing that very much, but I think hundreds of people around here may be feeling the same way. I have visited various churches and classes for many years around here with repeated disappointment. Yes, I know many will insist that church should be about what we can give and not focused on what we can get out of it. But somehow that answer is very old and feels very canned. I really wonder how much those people that spout off that response are in tune with their own hearts and honest about their own needs. There is a kernel of truth in that statement but it leaves a lot out of the context.

As I think back over my whole lifetime of attending churches and various classes around the country, I still cannot remember feeling really connected anywhere. I do remember the intense desire to be connected and feel a part of an organic system of seekers and growers. Sure there have been variations in the places we have been. Some have been much more promising than others, some have been much more suffocating than others, but will we ever experience real community like we were designed for? Simply rationalizing away this desire does not make it go away. It is intrinsic to our being, to the very design of our creation. We cannot escape this desire no matter how much we deny it, repress it or abuse it. We were created for bonding relationships in community where we can forever grow, learn, connect, celebrate, receive and give life. This is one of the main reasons for the plan of salvation (salvage), to restore us into fellowship with God and with each other.

So I accept that my desire is legitimate and was put there by God. I need to value it and come to terms with it. But I still am stymied as to practically know just what to do about it. There are plenty of counterfeits that present themselves to satisfy this deepest craving, but they are like junk food. They may bring pleasure and appear to satisfy my needs for a short time but they come with a price that leaves me more empty than before, sort of like caffeine. I want the real thing, whatever that is and wherever it is. But where and how do I find it?

The other thing that my mind pondered this morning was the need to smile at those I love. I know this sounds ridiculously dumb, but I have had a block in this part of my makeup for most all of my life. As I think back on the times when I have been confronted about this a pattern began to emerge. Most of the time when people wanted to “fix” this problem of mine they resorted to shaming me, thinking that that would motivate me to correct my problem and start being more smiling and pleasant. They would make remarks like, “What's wrong with your face? Are you afraid it will break if you smile?” And then they would laugh, and inside I would cringe, become angry and withdraw even deeper into my shell. Obviously these people, no matter how related they were to me or how “good” their intentions may have been, had no idea of the effect their words were having on me.

So maybe, in my subconscious arena, smiling is always associated with shame unfortunately. Especially deliberate smiling, intentional smiling that is designed to elicit a response from others. Inside it feels disingenuous and hypocritical. Since for me it has to be forced and is also associated with shame and dishonesty, it seems like an insurmountable blockage in my spirit to get past, even to this day much later in life. It is such an issue inside of me that I even sometimes have difficulty smiling for pictures, though that has become easier over the years. On the other hand, I feel like my external expressions – my voice tone, my face, my gestures – have been hijacked by some internal false god that refuses to relinquish control until I uncover the lie that grants it it's authority to be here and replace that lie with the liberating truth about myself and about God. Of course, this is not going to happen by an intellectual exercise and a witch hunt rummaging around in my memories. I need heart-level healing and I need it soon. This issue reflects badly back on God's reputation of His work in my life. But I refuse to just do a surface fix to make Him look better. I want Him to come in and do a thorough work that will be permanent and set me free forever.

Does part of that process involve trying to smile anyway even though it feels fake at times? Probably. Where do I find the initiative to even do that? I think it is somewhere available either from outside or inside or both. It sure seems to me that it would be much easier to deal with this obstacle if I were involved in the dynamics of a real community of people who cared about each other and could “provoke” each other to love and good works as is referred to in Hebrews 10:24. I think I would like that kind of provocation – I think. I certainly know I need it. I also think it would be much more effective if it was not done with a spirit of shaming or condemnation or demeaning. But when that might ever happen is still a mystery to me.

These are just reflections on what is chasing around in my head right now. I think it is healthy and maybe contributes to growth to acknowledge them and express them. That doesn't mean I have answers for them yet. Or is it even “answers” that I need? What I really desire is mentoring. That's how the right brain learns, not by instruction and verbal formulas, but by watching and sensing how a more mature person responds and relates in similar circumstances and under similar pressures. I need more joy. I want more joy. I also want to be a better source of joy to others.