Three Crosses

The three crosses represent the triune aspects of a human being created in the image of a triune God. The violent, angry, cursing thief on one side represents our sinful flesh that dwells inside us and compulsively urges us toward sin and away from life and God. Jesus on the next cross represents the new nature, the new heart that God implants in us that is perfect and untainted in motives and desires. The third cross represents our will which is choosing which of the other two he will embrace and join. He starts out with the fallen attitude of the flesh but the longer he observes the compassion and forgiveness and holiness of Jesus under overwhelming pressure and abuse from the flesh and all of Satan's forces, he is forced to decide whether to accept His grace and cast himself on God's mercy or to join the flesh in accusing God for all the suffering and injustice around him.

Cost of Raising a Son

As heard on the BBC this morning in a letter from one of their listeners responding to a previous broadcast-

A very wealthy man asked his father how much it cost to raise him. At first the father did not bother to give him an answer as he did not think the son was serious. But over ensuing time the son became very insistent that his father let him know how much it cost to raise him. When asked why he wanted to know, the son said that he did not want to be bothered or have anything to do with a matter after he had paid off a debt.

So one day the father was sitting outside the very luxurious home of his son and his son repeated the question. After thinking for a while and giving it very careful consideration the father asked the son, “What's that?”

The son replied, “That's a bicycle.”

The father repeated, “What's that?”

The son again said, “That's a bicycle, can't you see?”

The father again asked, “What's that?”

The son began to get irritated at this point. After several more repetitions of the same question by his father the son was ready to scream.

Later on when the son was entertaining visitors in his spacious living room and his wife was working in the kitchen, the old man went down to the pond and put both his feed into the mud. Then he walked into the house tracking the mud everywhere even though the wife had just cleaned everything. The man went into several bedrooms and even put his muddy feet on the beds.

A little later the wife came out of the kitchen and noticed the muddy footprints on her freshly cleaned floors. She followed them to discover the old man playing on their bed with his muddy feet. She rushed to her husband in the living room and exclaimed, “Has you father gone mad?”

At this the son became very agitated and asked his father what in the world he was doing. At this, the father replied, “I am just trying to show you how much it cost to raise you because you wanted to know.”

Just then the visitors turned to the son with amazement and asked, “Did you really ask your father that question?”

Why Is It So Hard For Me To Smile?

Warning! Sensitive material ahead. Handle with care.

As I contemplated this morning where I might go for Sabbath School and church, I considered my feelings that come up every time I am faced with this choice. I am also thinking about what my wife told me last night about Bruce's methods to connect with his daughter by smiling and touching. As usual, I would like to get to the bottom issue inside me and get it healed and resolved instead of spinning my wheels trying to manage symptoms.

Thinking about where to attend, I sense an intense desire to find a group of people who are glad I am with them, where I can participate and contribute and receive and fellowship. I cannot ever remember experiencing that very much, but I think hundreds of people around here may be feeling the same way. I have visited various churches and classes for many years around here with repeated disappointment. Yes, I know many will insist that church should be about what we can give and not focused on what we can get out of it. But somehow that answer is very old and feels very canned. I really wonder how much those people that spout off that response are in tune with their own hearts and honest about their own needs. There is a kernel of truth in that statement but it leaves a lot out of the context.

As I think back over my whole lifetime of attending churches and various classes around the country, I still cannot remember feeling really connected anywhere. I do remember the intense desire to be connected and feel a part of an organic system of seekers and growers. Sure there have been variations in the places we have been. Some have been much more promising than others, some have been much more suffocating than others, but will we ever experience real community like we were designed for? Simply rationalizing away this desire does not make it go away. It is intrinsic to our being, to the very design of our creation. We cannot escape this desire no matter how much we deny it, repress it or abuse it. We were created for bonding relationships in community where we can forever grow, learn, connect, celebrate, receive and give life. This is one of the main reasons for the plan of salvation (salvage), to restore us into fellowship with God and with each other.

So I accept that my desire is legitimate and was put there by God. I need to value it and come to terms with it. But I still am stymied as to practically know just what to do about it. There are plenty of counterfeits that present themselves to satisfy this deepest craving, but they are like junk food. They may bring pleasure and appear to satisfy my needs for a short time but they come with a price that leaves me more empty than before, sort of like caffeine. I want the real thing, whatever that is and wherever it is. But where and how do I find it?

The other thing that my mind pondered this morning was the need to smile at those I love. I know this sounds ridiculously dumb, but I have had a block in this part of my makeup for most all of my life. As I think back on the times when I have been confronted about this a pattern began to emerge. Most of the time when people wanted to “fix” this problem of mine they resorted to shaming me, thinking that that would motivate me to correct my problem and start being more smiling and pleasant. They would make remarks like, “What's wrong with your face? Are you afraid it will break if you smile?” And then they would laugh, and inside I would cringe, become angry and withdraw even deeper into my shell. Obviously these people, no matter how related they were to me or how “good” their intentions may have been, had no idea of the effect their words were having on me.

So maybe, in my subconscious arena, smiling is always associated with shame unfortunately. Especially deliberate smiling, intentional smiling that is designed to elicit a response from others. Inside it feels disingenuous and hypocritical. Since for me it has to be forced and is also associated with shame and dishonesty, it seems like an insurmountable blockage in my spirit to get past, even to this day much later in life. It is such an issue inside of me that I even sometimes have difficulty smiling for pictures, though that has become easier over the years. On the other hand, I feel like my external expressions – my voice tone, my face, my gestures – have been hijacked by some internal false god that refuses to relinquish control until I uncover the lie that grants it it's authority to be here and replace that lie with the liberating truth about myself and about God. Of course, this is not going to happen by an intellectual exercise and a witch hunt rummaging around in my memories. I need heart-level healing and I need it soon. This issue reflects badly back on God's reputation of His work in my life. But I refuse to just do a surface fix to make Him look better. I want Him to come in and do a thorough work that will be permanent and set me free forever.

Does part of that process involve trying to smile anyway even though it feels fake at times? Probably. Where do I find the initiative to even do that? I think it is somewhere available either from outside or inside or both. It sure seems to me that it would be much easier to deal with this obstacle if I were involved in the dynamics of a real community of people who cared about each other and could “provoke” each other to love and good works as is referred to in Hebrews 10:24. I think I would like that kind of provocation – I think. I certainly know I need it. I also think it would be much more effective if it was not done with a spirit of shaming or condemnation or demeaning. But when that might ever happen is still a mystery to me.

These are just reflections on what is chasing around in my head right now. I think it is healthy and maybe contributes to growth to acknowledge them and express them. That doesn't mean I have answers for them yet. Or is it even “answers” that I need? What I really desire is mentoring. That's how the right brain learns, not by instruction and verbal formulas, but by watching and sensing how a more mature person responds and relates in similar circumstances and under similar pressures. I need more joy. I want more joy. I also want to be a better source of joy to others.

Of Sleep, Lies and Blogs

Well, my sleep schedule has become really crazy over the past few days. I am filling in on an early morning paper route for my son-in-law while they enjoy warm, sunny Florida for a couple weeks with their two babies and his parents. I was a bit reluctant to attempt this “feat” concerned about my ability to consistently get up so early and remember how to correctly deliver nearly 150 papers every morning.

While I used to do paper routes quite efficiently, it has been about forty years since I did this job. I was a little sharper then and maybe a bit more ambitious as well. Back then I did it all on my bicycle (except the time I talked my brother-in-law in taking me around on his big BMW motorcycle at 4 AM) no matter what the weather – rain, ice, snow etc. It too was an early morning route and I prided myself on being as nearly perfect as possible trying to keep every customer happy.

Well, my track record is not quite so good so far on my second or third morning. This morning when I went in at 2 AM I was presented with over a page full of complaints and problems from the past two mornings. I am still trying to nail down exactly where some of the address really are and how they want them delivered. I thought I had done much better yesterday, but I guess I still have a ways to go.

My sleep has been another real problem for me. For the first couple days I could not hardly sleep at all. Every time I tried to sleep I would lay there for hours and then only dose a little. I tried sleeping before the run – after the run. I finally decided that my body would just have to get tired enough to stop fighting me to stay awake and finally agree to go ahead and sleep when I need to. Well, today I think I am getting much closer. I was able to sleep longer last night and felt much better today than yesterday when the fatigue was becoming very noticeable while I was trying to work my regular remodeling job. After I returned this morning about 5 AM I ate some breakfast and sat down to read and study. I was feeling wide awake so I figured I was good for the day until about an hour later when I realized I was ready for some more good sleep laying flat. Maybe now my body will accept a routine that will allow me to do both jobs without too much exhaustion.

Another thing I figure I will likely experience, and I am already starting to, is the dreams that may plague me for months to come after finishing this project. I have had the problem of recurring dreams that keep you quite tense and worried, sort of like nightmares where you are always forgetting something or are late or .... I have had these kind of dreams after I went back to college for a couple years about twenty years ago. You know, those dreams where I am late for class, or forgot that I even had this class until the final test, or can't figure out what I am supposed to be learning. There seems to be a recurring familiar theme that runs through all the various nightmares that come after these intense responsibilities. As I look back, the common threads in these dreams is always fear, being late, and forgetting. I think if I was wise enough I might learn some important things about what makes me tick inside by these clues. But I don't quite have a grasp of that just yet.

I started reading a new book recently that I picked up at the Marriage Retreat with Family Foundations last month. It is called Meaningless Words and Broken Covenants by Tim Coody. I am only two or three chapters into it but I can tell already that this one is going to be very good. Sometimes you run across a book that really fills out something very important that you have learned and puts it in words that really help understand and underscore it in ways you could have never done yourself. This is one of those.

Over the past few years I have become very aware that one of the most important issues in the Great Controversy of the universe is the issue of deception. I have thought about it from various angles and sensed that this issue is necessary to understand if one is going to get a more accurate picture of reality. This book in just the first few pages is clarifying the issue very poignantly and accurately. I am looking forward to reading further and clarifying my thinking about this subject, for I know that it will enhance many other things I have been learning about living from the heart and becoming more aware of what is really real and what around us is just mirage. If anyone is interested I am sure it can be purchased from Family Foundations which you can find on my Resource page. If anyone else would like to read it along with me I would be delighted to have someone to discuss it with and get other perspectives.

I have been enjoying reading the inter-linking blogs of my sister and my friend Linda. It appears that maybe some elements of community are starting to emerge as people began interlinking their real lives and emotions of the heart through this new medium of blogging. Sometimes I wonder what people think who drop in on my site and just browse, but they never leave comments. I wonder what is going on the their lives, some of whom come from far-away places on the planet like China, Brazil, Romania, Canada, France, Spain etc. I know many of them arrive here at random from just going from one random blog to the next. But some of them stay for awhile and some I think return. I am always curious about them and often wish that it was easier to make connections and get to know them better. Oh well, more of my wishful dreaming.

I have run across some personal and interesting blogs myself that I bookmark and return to quietly observe myself. Yes its true, I don't hardly ever leave my comments there either. It is usually because I assume that most people are afraid of contact from strangers and will always assume the worst motives. That make me sad that our world is so suspicious that people are prevented from being genuine and friendly with each other without fear. I personally feel the need for more meaningful connections with people. It is an important part of my much-needed “joy therapy”.

I continue to pray that God will bring people together in love-bonds as He assembles His family here on earth. I know that many of those people will likely emerge from very unexpected places with very surprising backgrounds. The God that I am coming to know is like that. He is far more tuned in to where a person's heart is and the condition of their spirit than He is focused on their religious knowledge base or their professions. Knowing that, I am spending more time trying to pay attention to the condition of my own spirit in my interactions with people. I have started seeing interesting little changes as a result that encourage me. I am also very overwhelmed the more I realize how incompetent I am in this part of my existence. God sure has a lot of work cut out for Him to do in my life.

I Need the Almighty

3/1/07

This morning I meditated on the reading for 2/29 in My Utmost for His Highest. Several points impacted me with their importance that I want to continue to remember. The whole message was very good but these stood out in bold relief.

1. “Do not deify common sense. When Jesus asks us what we want Him to do for us in regard to the incredible thing with which we are faced, remember that He does not work in common-sense ways, but in supernatural ways.”

This seems so obvious when it is stated but is often very difficult to apply in everyday life. It is so easy to blur the distinction between what advice, counsel or decisions are based on good training, maturity and a wealth of knowledge or are based on a true revelation of God's desire for us. There is certainly a place in our lives to implement common sense in making decisions and learning to live together with others. But when the stakes are high and I have an impossible problem to overcome, I need dependence and a connection with wisdom and guidance beyond my abilities or of those around me.

I believe when he says to not “deify” common sense, it means that I need to always keep my connection and dependence on God at a higher level of priority than using human common sense to solve all my difficulties.

2. “Watch how we limit the Lord by remembering what we have allowed Him to do for us in the past: I always failed there, and I always shall; consequently we do not ask for what we want. 'It is ridiculous to ask God to do this.' If it is an impossibility, it is the thing we have to ask. If it is not an impossible thing, it is not a real disturbance. God will do the absolutely impossible.”

I felt very convicted when I read these words. How many times my faith fails to expect much beyond what I have already experienced, hence my growth and maturity are stunted by my inability to believe God will do something radically greater than I have ever seen in the past. This set me up for the most important answer to this problem that I read further down the page.

3. “You have to come to the place where you believe Him to be Almighty.”

I realized that despite my intellectual assertions or professions, my heart is still far behind in really resting in the reality of an almighty, all-compassionate Father who never for a millisecond loses attention of my situation, needs or feelings. When my heart really believes the truth about God my whole life will suddenly respond very differently to every circumstance or threat.

4. “Faith is not in what Jesus says but in Himself; if we only look at what He says we shall never believe. When once we see Jesus, He does the impossible thing as naturally as breathing.”

I remembered how many times I was instructed over many years to put my faith in the Word of God. I do not believe the intentions were wrong by those promoting this teaching, but the time has come to wake up to the real core of where faith comes from and what it really is. As he emphasizes all through this devotional book, my focus must be directly on the person of God primarily; not to allow any other aspect of our relationship to be greater than that one thing.

When applied to human relationships this becomes very obvious. But we struggle so much to understand that it is crucial to having a healthy spiritual life (which is the essence of all life, really). If I desire to have a close relationship with my wife, would I put more importance on the words she says than on her as a person? Would I value her letters more than I value being with her and just enjoying her presence? And yet we too often treat God as if His Word, or our own experience, or our work “for Him” is of more value and importance than cultivating intimacy directly with Him through every means possible.

I want to make these insights an integral part of my own life. I want to experience a more dynamic faith in my Father who is Almighty and not limit His freedom to transform my life by my small expectations of what He wants to do based on past experience. I want to cherish the words He shares with me, but even more I want to experience a growing affection and closeness to Him as the only true and capable source of satisfaction and abundant life full of joy and rest.