Posts
My work had been heavy lately and somewhat draining at times. Running our own business from home and acting as manager involved with hundreds of people can take its toll emotionally and spiritually. I have learned to look forward to Sabbath with a relish I never had before. It is a time carved out in the week for me to regain perspective, refocus my priorities and recharge my energy. It is also a complete, uninterrupted block of time to deepen my new and growing friendship with God.
This is not to say I have just become an Adventist. I was “born and raised” an Adventist - four generations worth if we count correctly. But my view of what God is like and what He thought about me was probably reflective of the times in which I grew up. When I finally came to admit the truth, I found I was not only afraid of God but didn’t really like Him very much either. Maybe I felt the feeling was mutual, at least about the liking part. In the last three years God began breaking down my misconceptions and defenses. He has propelled me into an exciting new era of my life where I am discovering the truth about Him to replace the darkness of tradition.
The thought was beginning to haunt me as I neared the end of this week that even though I prayed often and tried to keep God in my thoughts and in my business, somehow I wasn’t connecting as well as maybe I should. I believe there is nothing wrong with being very busy or being very successful, though I have not always felt this way. But I seemed a little out of balance and I looked forward to Friday night to have more time to examine this state of affairs.
Two weeks previous to this my wife and I traveled to my Alma Mater for Alumni weekend in Tennessee. I had been asked to coordinate Sabbath vespers which would be mostly music. Being the procrastinator that I am I had very little lined up when we arrived. Fortunately the Lord provided and with several last-minute volunteering friends the program was accomplished with blessings from above. I had decided to use this occasion to premier a new song written by our beloved organist, Dr. James North. This song had never been used in public before and I felt this weekend would be a special time to share it with so many that I consider to be my family.
Over a year ago I had walked into our church on Sabbath afternoon and overheard Dr. North playing this piece for a friend. I could hear a beautiful harmony part in my head as I listened to him sing and I knew I just had to get a copy of the music. He graciously allowed me to make a copy from his handwritten music and I took it home and began working on my own interpretation of the music. Working on my computer editing the music and text I began to find the song moving through my thoughts during my workdays.
Jesus hears every prayer
from everyone everywhere
don’t hide from Him
don’t turn aside from Him.
Friday morning found no George at the door waiting to come in. It had been a very chilly night and we began to become more concerned. I still believed he would show up soon and I had a lot of work to do. We spent the day looking out the doors and windows regularly but there was no George to be seen. I began to pray more earnestly about this situation. I have always believed it was silly to wait until everything else was tried before praying and this was no different. However, I questioned how effective my prayers might be given the uneasy feelings I had been experiencing about my relationship with God the last week or so. Was I close enough to Him to have my prayers answered? Was that the wrong question to ask? Was this happening because I had gotten out of focus or was that idea just a legacy of tradition that needed to be challenged?
When you laugh, when you cry,
Jesus understands your deepest sigh,
just tell Him all.
By the end of the day on Friday I was in full attention. Inwardly I found myself checking out all the forms of prayer and examining their value. You know - pleading, begging, making deals (not necessarily a good idea), or resignation. I found emotions of fear, doubt, depression, and desperation circling around my mind. Some of these were the same issues I was dealing with in my changing view of God’s personality. Over the last two years I had learned that God really likes me, not just that He loved me. That may sound crazy but some of you may know what I mean. I had been taught to say all the right answers since I was a wee lad, but to get emotional and personal with God as a friend, a daddy, a lover, a boss, a counselor, this was very different from the religion I had always known. God is now involved in all areas of my life and exposes all kinds of nasty things in me that He wants to change. I also believe more than theoretically that God is interested in the little things as well. “Nothing that in any way concerns our happiness is too small for Him to notice.”
So was God concerned about George out there without food or claws? Maybe he was chased by dogs and got disoriented and couldn’t find his way home. Fear and depression pressed in on me.
He will bear your every burden
when you’re laden down,
when the blazing sun has parched your
tongue and cooling water can’t be
found, He’ll gently call your name and
you’ve no need to feel ashamed
He’ll fill your thirst.
One of the thoughts that seemed to have validity was that maybe God had some important lessons in this experience for me. If I give in to feelings of fear, doubt, hopelessness and depression I realized that they would cut me off from my communion with my only source of hope. As Sabbath morning dawned with no George in sight the internal struggle continued. I said nothing to my wife about my thoughts but the internal dialog continued. Neither of us had slept well. I dreamed about George returning only to awaken to disappointment. I began to wonder how I would relate to the idea of never seeing him again until heaven (yes, I believe all our pets will be there). This was not my idea of Sabbath joy, but God definitely had my riveted attention now.
Jesus hears every prayer
in tears and grief He is there,
in life or death,
in full or fleeting breath.
Loved ones pass, friends forsake
Jesus never leaves, your grief He’ll take
accept His love.
As visions of finding him dead by the road or worse, never finding him at all forced their way into our imaginations, we prepared for church. A new thought was elbowing its way into the crowd. If succumbing to depression was not the right choice, what was the alternative? Does God want me to believe in His generosity and kindness and honestly express gratitude and praise in the face of apparent bitterness and difficulties? Do I need to choose an attitude of praise before a favorable resolution becomes evident? And what if things don’t work out the way I desire? Can I accept that possibility and still be honest in my gratitude? What about all the other things that I am ignoring and fail to be grateful about that make my life comfortable and pleasant? Life is a choice and I am a product of the choices I have made. But the choices I make now will determine who I will be tomorrow.
He will fold His arms about you
when your heart is crushed,
when life’s sorrows overwhelm
His voice will soothe and all your sobs be
hushed, He’ll gently call your name and
you’ve no need to feel ashamed
He’ll comfort you.
I began to understand that resigning myself to God’s will involves much more than just accepting the possibility of present loss and pain. It also means believing in a kind God who delights in making His people happy - and believing that before any resolution of my present situation. If things don’t go as I wish, it does not change the fact that God’s motives and feelings toward me are still the same. This whole situation was bringing into sharp focus issues that have stirred my mind for months. As the song played through my head again I agreed with the words. YES! God does hear every prayer. God also loves cats. And I need not be ashamed to pray for our cat to come home. And God is the kind of person who would love to do that for us if all things are for our best.
Jesus hears every prayer,
the suckling child’s in His care,
a Father kind,
His heart with yours entwined.
Jesus sees each flower fade,
but for you alone the price He paid,
receive His care.
As we prepared to go to church I thought about spending the time instead looking for our pet. After all, we go to church all the time and this really is urgent business. We don’t get that much from church that I would miss anyway. As I pondered this thought I also wondered what that choice would really mean. How could I ask God to help me find a cat in a large residential area while skipping out on my appointment He had with me. He did write that we should not “forsake the assembling of ourselves together” for the purpose of worship. I realized that my actions would not only display what was in my heart but would reinforce those beliefs as well. I would go to church and leave George in God’s hands and look for him later.
I also realized that if I was to worship in truth and spirit I must give up my fear and depression in exchange for praise and gratitude. I had to make a deliberate choice to think about the beauty of God’s character and let His love comfort and lift me. God is generous and kind. God is thoughtful and intimate. As the beautiful song says, “He’s more, more, so much more, more than we’ll ever know”. In the Sabbath School discussion we talked about suffering and pain and lessons to be learned. But we can also learn lessons in good times as well as through suffering. We can learn lessons of faith while times are easy so we don’t have to learn them under a terrible pressure of discouragement. I began to experience the lifting power of positive thinking. Praise is an antidote for discouragement. Life is a choice. Do I want to grow and mature or do I have to have things go my way? I realized like never before how much I loved my cat, George. He has personality and love. God made him that way to tell us a little bit about Himself. The separation was becoming intense but so was my communication with God.
Sabbath afternoon we decided to do our part. We made posters and put them all around the community. We called the authorities and shelters. While my wife was doing that I decided to work a little more on the music on my office computer. Suddenly Tania appeared in the doorway holding George. He was dirty and hungry but apparently unhurt. He just appeared in the front yard (yea, right). Of course we were both very happy to see him. But ironically this presented another dilemma for me - How does a long-time Adventist celebrate? I’m not just talking about what is just outwardly correct, I’m talking about long pent-up emotions that have never found expression because “celebration” is not in our usable vocabulary except as a derogatory expression. I have been carefully and successfully trained not to celebrate.
As I examined this new challenge my first reaction was to feel guilty for not being grateful enough. But wait a minute. That’s an old trick the serpent has worn out on me long ago. “There is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.” That option is out! God is not looking for guilt trips. He is looking to improve His reputation in the world. That is my understanding of the concept of praying and doing things in Jesus name. That’s what the great controversy is all about.
But my real problem is that while I have nurtured praise and gratitude for many months now internally, I still feel afraid or even ashamed to express it outwardly and publicly. Just what did that shepherd do to celebrate when he found his lost sheep? Just how does one go about properly celebrating the goodness of God, whether or not others think it is correct? I want most of all to be a Christian even above being an Adventist. How does God celebrate? He gave the Israelites some pretty bizarre things to do on their celebration days.
I decided to start by saying something to my wife. “We need to give God credit for bringing back George and not act like it 'just happened.'” That came out sounding more like a stern lecture than praise to God. I felt stupid, but I had tried. I can definitely see there’s a whole lot more learning for me to do. I want to express my feelings but the words get in the way. It seems that when I open my mouth to praise is sounds corny and awkward. But that is better than nothing for a start even if it is pitiful. You know the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
That Sabbath evening our church had a special vespers that I was looking forward to very much. It was gospel music bluegrass style. I have missed hearing this good, wholesome country music for many years and I look forward to opportunities like this. I decided under the present circumstances that not only was I going to go to vespers but I would do so with joy and a new attitude of praise. I would have angels with me and we would lift our hearts in praise and music together for His love and favors. Celebration can be something that brings both God and I great delight. Hey, isn’t there something about the Sabbath that goes like that?
As I further analyzed my feelings and emotions I found that my mind is trained to look for the guilt in what I’m not doing right. My ungratefulness. My unwillingness to praise God before enough other people. My awkwardness. But I refuse to give in to that kind of negative religion that has kept me in it’s slavery for so many years. While it is very true that I am an ungrateful, selfish, conniving hypocrite by habit and full of lust and evil of all sorts, God has chosen to treat me like Jesus deserved to be treated because He was already treated as I deserve to be treated. That means I can ask for favors, not based on my deserving them but only because Jesus deserves them and lets me have them in His place. What an incredible arrangement. I think they call it “good news”.
Another thought began to materialize about this time. While realizing my great difficulty and inhibitions with verbalizing my emotions, I have found that writing is a liberating outlet for my mind. (My hands seem to understand what I mean much better than my mouth.) Since I have to celebrate and praise to be honest with God, maybe I should write out my thoughts and feelings.
Sunday morning. I open my Bible to read and reflect. George lays on the couch blinking at me with loving eyes and melting my emotions (I’m not crazy). Should I hurry and write down my thoughts before too much time passes and I lose them or should I spend time in the Word? Deciding to read and listen to the Spirit first I open to where I left off yesterday. I begin reading 2 Corinthians 1. The words leap off the page and grab me filling my eyes with tears of recognition. Isn’t it incredible when God sometimes speaks directly to you? “God is the Father who is full of mercy. And He is the God of all comfort. He comforts us every time we have trouble, so that we can comfort others when they have trouble. We can comfort them with the same comfort that God gives us.”
It begins to register now. The reason God wants me to share His praise and stories with others is so they can identify with Him too. As I read on a new understanding dawns on me of the meaning of the following verses. I always thought this meant that when God comforts us we can have it to share, to empathize with others in similar circumstances. “We share in the many sufferings of Christ. In the same way, much comfort comes to us through Christ. If we have troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation. If we have comfort, then you also have comfort. This helps you to accept patiently the same sufferings that we have. Our hope for you is strong. We know that you share in our sufferings. So we know that you also share in the comfort we receive.”
This is more than just collecting comfort to distribute. In connecting with others in their lives we connect with the body of Christ. We receive comfort, not only directly from God but through the body of Christ on earth as well. By connecting ourselves with others we complete the circuit so the current of comfort can flow through all of us. We receive comfort and encouragement in the same way that we give it - by interlinking with the body and choosing to share with others.
As I sat looking at George enjoying his company and thanking God for the pets He puts in our lives I remembered the reward we had offered for his return. The posters offered $25, and he is worth it and more. I thought of the angel who escorted him home and maybe still standing here waiting for heaven to collect the reward. If a person had brought him back we would have paid them gladly. So much more should I bring a gift with joy to the Lord for giving my cat a royal escort home.
Every path He’ll walk beside you
through temptations vale,
even though your step may falter
He will hold your hand and he’ll
prevail, He’ll gently call your name and
you’ve no need to feel ashamed
He’ll welcome you.
One last thing, and please do not take this impersonally. Yes, I have an awful lot to learn about how to celebrate, but learn I must and will. I’m afraid, I’m inhibited, I’m awkward and without experience. But God accepts it through the merits of Jesus blood anyway. But there’s the other ingredient in celebration that I’m still missing. To truly celebrate involves others. Remember the story of the shepherd? He went and got his friends and neighbors and said, “Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep”. It wasn’t their sheep that was lost - how could they celebrate with him? I don’t know. Paul told us to laugh with those who laugh and cry with those who cry. There is something to this sharing thing. But if you understand what I’m saying then please celebrate with me the goodness and kindness of God, “for I have found my cat”.
poem from song written by James North
