Random Blog Clay Feet: June 06, 2008
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Friday, June 06, 2008

Musings on Resistance

I am starting to become more aware of the subtle ways in which resistance resides in my spirit and heart. I am sure there are many more ways than what I am aware of currently, but just the fact that I am capable of being more aware of them personally seems to be progress right now. I am quite certain also, that there are those around me who would be more than happy to point out what they think I have problems with in this arena. But that does not have the same usefulness for my heart for it usually tends to cause my fears and deceptions to run for hiding places instead of coming out into the light. Of course, the same principle applies to me trying to expose other people's issues in my desires to fix them. I am slowly learning to give more room for the Spirit to do what He does best instead of trying to play God in other people's lives. I have enough to cooperate with what He is trying to do inside of me.

In fact, it is starting to become more clear that anytime I am feeling tension inside of me that there is likely some sort of resistance going on. It may not be nearly so easy to correctly identify the true source or reason for that resistance, but I am getting much closer to being able to do so simply by acknowledging that resistance is present. I also notice that if I can observe this going on internally without having a sense of condemnation and guilt associated with it, then it is much easier to get closer to the real source without it hiding under some sort of camouflage.

One reason that it may have been so much more difficult in the past is because resistance has often taken on other labels and thus has been able to hide from detection. Another obvious reason is that to be honest about my feelings and fears has often invited unwanted analysis and “fixes” from others who thought it their job to point out my faults and then somehow shame or condemn me into being a better person. For some reason this approach has never had the intended effect that people expected it to have in me if they thought they could make me a better person by such methods. Again, I am painfully aware that this approach has been my own record with many of my loved ones and I deeply regret this habit.

I guess my left brain is getting its curiosity activated by wanting to know the different kinds and reasons for the resistance going on inside. And that may indeed be useful in a way, for I notice that when something makes more sense that my mind is more likely to embrace and believe it. And believing the truth is always a good thing, though intellectual belief cannot replace the more important functions of embracing relationships with the heart. This is where the left and right brain need to work in tandem to have a truly balanced life as God designed for us to experience. At least that is my observation that comes from what I have been learning.

I wonder how much effect it would have on my growth and awareness if I could record the sources and reasons for resistance without judging them or trying to immediately draw conclusions from them? The last couple days as I just became more aware of this condition inside of me I was able to sometimes identify likely causes for the resistance that I was feeling inside. It felt refreshing actually. It felt in a sense liberating to finally be able to perceive the truth of reality instead of chasing or running from shadows of guilt and threats of condemnation. Just to be able to be honest about what I am feeling or desiring without fear of being attacked or shamed for it is like a breath of fresh air.

This is not to imply that the causes for my resistance are something to hang onto or to justify. Just because I can acknowledge something as existing and present in my life does not mean that it should or should not be there. But being able to identity what is current and what is, without immediately heaping shame or guilt upon it allows me much more access to observing what it really is without chasing it into hiding from my own consciousness. I realize that this may sound absurd to many people who have done this all their life already. But for me it is coming out of a closet that I was forced into for much of my life.

This is only a small step in a progression toward the ultimate experience of living in the fullness of reality that is only found in proper, life-receiving relationship with my Creator and source of all life. But God leads me from where I am to start with and the first step is to become of aware of what is, as well as some notion of where I am headed. For to live in denial of what my real condition is – which is where most of us often spend our time – I make myself incapable of escaping the slavery of sin that is contingent on my continued state of deception. In reality, the only power that sin has over anyone is the degree to which they continue to remain deceived about true reality.

I am becoming more and more certain that true reality involves far more heart “knowledge” than it does factual knowledge. That is the big difference between religion and spirituality in my opinion. Religion focuses more on either head knowledge as the ultimately important, or on emotional feelings disconnected from objective truth as found in the Word of God. Both paths involve self-deception and avoidance of anything that will expose problems with their preferences. But true spirituality involves living with reference to the spirit more than living for factual truth or emotional fixes. Jesus stated very clearly that God is a spirit and those who worship Him must do so in spirit and in truth. I think the real truth of that statement still eludes most of us to a very great degree.

I think I will be thinking about this more during the coming days. If I have opportunity I might try to jot down on a paper or pad the observations that I am able to detect about my deeper sources that cause resistance in my heart and mind. I am realizing that there are many more than I previously thought, but it is also exciting in a way to finally be able to expose many of them so that the light of truth from the Spirit of God can begin to resolve and dissolve many of them and replace them with... well, whatever it is that needs to replace them. Since He is the Spirit of Truth then He is best positioned to reveal to my heart the missing ingredients that I need to thrive and enjoy life and better relationships.