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As I was thinking in the shower this morning I recalled a conversation I had recently with someone about my confrontation with my Mom many years ago after being “turned in” for sneaking out at night to watch TV at the neighbor's house. I mentioned to them that the reason I was so angry during that discussion was because I was being forced to give up my only means of escape and coping that I used to deal with all the internal emotional pain I was suffering. I was using television as a drug to ease my pain by giving me repeated fixes just like any addict does.
This morning it suddenly hit me as the dots began to connect even more. Maybe the reason I am having so much internal conflict over watching videos at this point in my life is tied directly to that time in my life that is still yet unresolved. The entity in my life that cared the most for me was asking me to give up my addiction but I saw nothing to address and resolve the underlying reason for the addiction. Therefore I was filled with internal rage over the apparent unfairness of the options. My only apparent choice was to stuff my pain and anger even deeper while trying harder to conform to rules of performance.
Looking back on it, I wished Mom had better understood the deeper issues and had tried to address the real pain that was driving my dysfunction. But come to think of it, she had probably tried to do just that but I refused to respond to her. At that point she felt she had to deal with my external behavior whether or not I would allow her access to my inner feelings. Whatever was going on, from my perspective in my heart I was being forced to relinquish my primary source of coping, the pleasure I felt from scaling the roof at night and spending hours escaping into the artificial world of television where life is much better and more exciting. The option of facing the pain in my life, of being honest about my feelings and problems and opening up to another, allowing them to be with me and help me work through my pain, that option simply seemed non-existent in my mind. I did not perceive anyone as safe enough to trust with my inner emotions and struggles. Legalism and abuse had closed me in so tight that I was experiencing many symptoms of schizophrenia at this point in my life. I didn't trust anyone and no one was safe enough to open up to. Besides, expressing one's feelings was viewed as failure of self-control and was a threat to the reputation of the family.
The dots that connected this morning was that maybe I am still playing out that scenario over and over even at this point in my life because I am really still stuck at that place in my growth. Maybe the entity that claims to love me the most now, God, is viewed by my still immature mind as being unfair and harsh in demanding that I give up my life-long escape addition while subconsciously I still believe there is nothing to effectively replace it. So I have a mysterious compulsion inside of me that can always come up with a very plausible reason why this time is an exception or maybe I just don't need a reason. I still get the same pleasure I did back then. It still provides an escape from reality that it did back then.
Only now, the reality that I am escaping from is very different in some respects from what it was then. But in other respects it is still similar. I still have a lot of pain associated with strained attachments to significant people in my life. But in other ways I am more competent and free and equipped to address my problems and either resolve them or release them. My current compulsion with this addiction is no longer reasonable, so to speak, or as explainable as it was back then. It now smells very suspiciously like the presence of yet another false god asserting authority over my will against my better knowledge.
Now the reality that I am taken away from is actually more of the real reality that I want to live in. My growing connection with God, my awareness of His protection and compassion and presence is the reality that I strive to live in more and more. This is the healing reality that I really crave and have always needed. So now when I escape from reality I am going from a healthy, healing atmosphere into a false, lie-based atmosphere designed to develop antagonism and distaste for the reality of heaven.
As I was traveling yesterday and after I arrived I was listening to the latest releases from FFI. They were very powerful and relevant for me. The first talked about the power inherent in the Word of God that can be released internally. It creates an image on the inside of us that grows into similar fruit of blessing both for us and for our families. Cursing also creates an image inside of us that grows and produces fruits of bitterness and pain and dysfunction. It really reminded me again of the importance of the seeds I am planting both in myself and in the hearts of those around me.
As I watched the most recent video received from them I was overcome with emotion as my heart was exposed. It talks about creating communities where there thrives a culture of healing and blessing, not just weekend events that we experience and then lose. I want to participate in a community like that and create that kind of atmosphere for my own family. He also made a comment that really struck a nerve in me. He said the greatest point in time when we need to be blessed is right after we have messed up the worst. I realized that not understanding this is one big reason I am having such a difficult time connecting with my own son.
Along that line, I am seriously considering attending an upcoming Marriage Covenant Weekend planned in February in Branson, MO. I believe it could be a power turning point in our growth and healing and marriage. I also believe it could better situate me for becoming more of a blessing to the growing family God has given us.
