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As I have spent time over the past few months sharing myself on this blog there has developed naturally an assumed expectation that I have had to deal with; that is that I am expected to regularly contribute to it or people will become impatient with me and I will feel bad about myself. This may sound infantile, and probably is, but since I am becoming more aware of my own feelings and more frequently stopping to check them for validity, this is what I have found.
I have then wondered what to do with this feeling; how should I relate to it? Of course, there is always the possibility that it can develop stronger into a compulsion, even a false god, that constrains me to “perform” to “look good” to others. While that is certainly a temptation I want to guard against it strenuously for I have far to many false gods already that need to be expelled and I certainly don't need another one to deal with. But to take the opposite approach in response to this insight by simply refusing to write to spite this compulsion is also counterproductive and immature. I have dealt with other compulsions that way and with very dissatisfying results. The main reason, as I have related elsewhere on this site, that I am doing this at all is to place myself in a position of more openness and transparency where I will learn to be willing to be more vulnerable and honest. Of course, being vulnerable just for its own sake might be silly, even dangerous. It most certainly opens me up to immense potential pain which I'm rather certain may come sooner or later. But as I am learning even more clearly in this book I am reading right now about words, being completely honest with all my words and actions is crucial to being able to relate to God effectively as well as to anyone around me on a very meaningful basis. It really is the only way I can develop healthy bonds at a heart level with anyone – and heaven knows I need a lot more of that.
But as I began to ponder this this morning I was reminded of a strange phenomena that scientists have observed in quantum physics. They discovered that certain particles behave very differently when they are being “watched” than when they are not. This is almost mind-blowing and raises a lot of questions, even of how the scientists figured out that this was happening in the first place. But it is certainly a very curious fact that I think may apply to other areas of our life as well. After all, God has place within all of nature revelations about Himself waiting to be discovered and applied by those who are willing to accept His wisdom.
I feel like this same phenomena seems to be true in my spiritual life at times. I have noticed that in my growing awareness and my relationship with God that if I try too hard to observe it, quantify it, capture it in words or writing that it seems to become more unstable or even elusive. It feels like the relationship itself almost resents being condensed into predictable patterns of expectations. This makes sense to me when I think about human relationships and how we feel when others develop expectations of what we are or how we will respond to given stimuli. It cramps our freedom to change, to surprise, to love in unexpected ways. It really reflects the counterfeit system that the whole world operates under and that God is trying to save us out of into His family of love.
This brought me to the second idea closely related to the first. Typical religious thought has largely placed God in a box, and our tendency is to expect God to relate to us in predefined ways either of our making or from things we read in the Bible. While it is true that God declares that He does not change (Mal. 3:6), this does not imply that He will be predictable and always relate to given situations the same way. In fact, to many careful observers, it has been seen that He seldom, if ever, responds to similar situations in exactly the same way. But this is really wonderful good news. This is really one of the most important ingredients of a healthy, dynamic relationship. When our friends become predictable they also start to become boring. We were created for limitless growth and ever-increasing joy and intimacy for all eternity. God never intended us to rest satisfied with boredom and accept it as the norm. He built into all of us a craving for something better, something deeper, someone to share love with at an ever-deeper level and even ever-increasing numbers of people to enter into relationships with. So why do we think we can predict what God will do in response to our desires, our prayers, our deepest longings?
I think it goes back to our penchant for trying to form God into our own image and the natural bent to selfishness inherent in our sinful natures. We are afraid of relationships where we can't be in control of what the other thinks of us. That goes back to my sudden awareness of my image management problem I wrote about last September. I not only want to manage what others think about me but I tend to want God to do things the way I think they should be done instead of trusting in His heart for me without knowing in the slightest how He will relate to me in this situation. Sinful thinking demands to see evidence and proof before trusting in His ways; it refuses to believe He really cares for me consistently and that His words in Jer. 29:11 really are true and always apply to me personally. This deep-rooted doubt always seeks to sabotage the truth about God and will never be satisfied or change its opinion. It is the essence of the fallen “flesh” that lives inside me and constantly seeks to push me to independence, pride and self-protection.
When I really think about it, I really like the fact that God is in many respects very unpredictable – that is, in regards to how He will express His constant love, compassion and protection for me. Sometimes it will at first appear to be the opposite of His character and I will be tempted to doubt His character again. But that is also the very nature of wonderful surprises even in our relationships with each other. The very essence of surprise is that it is unexpected, unpredictable. But surprises from those who love us deeply will consistently in the end reveal more deeply their love and the bonds between us and the memories we cherish.
And so it is with God. The Bible is full of stories of God's surprises in all sorts of situations and circumstances. If anything, the stories of the Bible remind us that God has limitless options of how to intervene in our emergencies and supply our needs and desires. I believe that understanding this is a step toward freeing our minds, for enabling us to break open the box that we have attempted to confine God in and allow Him to bless us and discipline us according to the nature of His true character of love. It is part of the unclogging of us as channels that God desires to use to pour His blessings through to others. As someone has so aptly said, “Let God be God”.
The above principle of quantum physics applies just as well to God. I believe that when we try to predict what He will do for us in any give circumstance that He may well sometimes do it differently just to prevent us from putting Him deeper into our box. As I read recently in My Utmost, one of our greatest problems as Christians is that we do not really believe in God as being Almighty. For if we did, our problems would not terrify us like they do presently.
So what does God mean when He says He never changes? It is His character, His love, His loving-kindness that is everlasting. The part that we can absolutely count on even if the universe were to disappear is His heart's passion for us to be with Him and be close to Him. And the more we indulge ourselves in this kind of thinking the more we can experience the reality of it in our lives and even in our relationships with others.
