Pain, Fear, Heart

Salvation is not about avoiding pain but is about learning to suffer well. I realize I have a great deal to learn about that. But just because my reactions are often inappropriate to fostering openness does not reflect the true intentions of my heart. I am struggling with a lifetime of ineffective and self-defeating behaviors and habits that continue to sabotage most, if not all of my relationships. I really am committed to change, but that is as difficult for me as I suspect it may be for others. I want to fight for the real hearts of those around me. I want to learn how to draw out their true identity that God placed in their hearts as a unique treasure to bless others. God placed them in my life for this very purpose. I realize that one of the most important roles of a good friend is to have real relationships. Salvation from God is primarily focused on restoring all of us to function once again as we were originally designed to be in all our relationships. We are learning what it looks like to live from our true heart instead of being controlled and strangled by our past. Heart to heart relationships are what we crave the deepest. Having our heart listened to and appreciated and cherished is the only real solution to our deep feelings of dissatisfaction. We spend most of our time trying very hard to arrange various areas of our lives like possessions, personal looks, friends etc. to quench this deep hunger. We have all developed our unique habits of avoiding and masking the pain of the emptiness we feel deep inside. We come to believe it is our goal to get rid of the pain, but we have been deceived into “medicating” the symptoms instead of facing the real causes. We understand this sometimes theoretically, but it is very difficult to engage our hearts in the process because we are so influenced by fear. I appreciate the continued desire and attempts of some to connect with me even when they are very frustrated and sometimes it hurts so much. I am beginning to see their true heart and its desires and I feel the same way. I am finding that the things I am most insistent that other people should change are often my own weaknesses. I want to develop a much more open and heart-intimate relationship with people, especially my family. My heart craves this intensely – sometimes screams for it. But when it passes through some of the negative filters I still have, by the time it is heard by others it is often perceived as almost the opposite message as what my true desire is. This is terribly frustrating not only to those closest to me but to me as well. This is the reason that I write so much at this point in my life. I have found that I can bypass many of my self-defeating and distorting filters that scramble the intended messages. Apparently many of those filters are somehow connected to my voice, my tones, my body language etc. Even when I try to read out loud what I have written the filters of fear and shame kick in and my body ruins and sabotages my heart messages once again. Most of the time I feel like I am trapped inside a prison of my own body and expressions. I am just starting to make timid attempts to escape from the prison and begin to experience the “terrifying” world of openness with other hearts. So far I have not been able to connect very deeply, but I do not want to turn back to live in my familiar prison the rest of my life, even though that seems often more comfortable. I have been cheated out of joy for too many years – I am determined to find freedom even though I have to go through pain to get there. I hope you will continue to join me in my escape attempt. Many times I am overwhelmed with fear or shame and run back to the perceived safety of my prison. But then I realize how confining it is here and I want to get out again. This appears very confusing at times and inconsistent to those observing me. They are right. But if they think I can be free just by simply deciding to, I would like them to demonstrate that for me from their own prison and maybe I could learn to follow their example. This may sound like a lot of theory and blather, but I am trying to share some of my deeper feelings and frustrations simply so you can understand me a little better than my inept attempts in the past have done. I know I shouldn’t be, but the real fact still exists that deep inside I am still often motivated by fear of rejection and avoidance of shame. I do all sorts of maneuvering to avoid feeling rejected, but then end up isolating my real heart from being seen and known. Please be patient with my very clumsy attempts at learning how to be real, how to be a friend, how to be a real heart-friend.