Dance Lessons

Interesting emotions today. Our guests/friends who have been living with us and ministering to us intensely for several weeks left today. This morning one of them was trying to send value messages, talking to my heart. It occurred to me that I was in a similar situation with similar feelings I had when my Mom tried to talk to my heart many years ago on the edge of my bed. In fact, I couldn't distinctly remember anyone doing that since then. While she was talking I was analyzing my reaction in the present. Was I trying to completely block out all incoming messages like I did before? No, this time I found myself listening with interest but still with a great deal of resistance and disbelief. After years of shame messages to my identity and perceived rejection it is very difficult to just open up and receive affirmations of value without question, as much as I want to be able to.

I also realize, to a little extent anyway, the immense blockage that I have built up over the past 30 years to receiving and giving care for hearts. It is the most difficult thing to believe the sincerity of others compliments or affirmations. In families it is much easier for us to connect with people not related to us than with each other. Of course, if continued this will become our destruction, not only of our family but of our souls as well. But that is negative motivation which, while true, has usually resulted in more resistance and further shutdown. Somehow we have to develop radical new habits of reacting and thinking when we feel attacked, threatened, demeaned and devalued. It is a good step to learn that's what we need to do, it is another to begin exercising and experiencing it.

Rose noted a very interesting insight and relationship between love and trust. True love is unconditional and expects no return for its investment. It is freely given without strings attached. Trust on the other hand expects a return for its investment. We get into trouble when we reverse the two and use them in place of the other. Love needs to be extended first to create an atmosphere where trust can flourish. If we try to trust someone first before we extend love to them, we will likely be disappointed and hurt when they fail our trust and love is never experienced.

I drove them out to the airport this morning so they could fly themselves to Wisconsin. It was almost nostalgic to be around planes again and the old desire to fly started growing as I talked with the friendly people in the hanger. As I drove away I also noted my emotions of attachment pain as Kevin and Rose begin the process of leaving us for good. They will be back for a short time at the end of the month, but we are being weaned to practice what they have worked so hard to teach us and model for us the past few weeks. They have certainly pried deeper into my damaged heart than anyone has ever done before and I am far more vulnerable to both joy and pain than I have been in years. What will flow into the holes and cracks freshly opened will largely be determined by the choices I make over the next few days and weeks. It is both very frightening and tantalizing at the same time. The bonding part of my brain has been somewhat reawakened and I have to overcome some deeply ingrained habits to steer my bonding efforts toward my wife if I want to have any healthy relationships at all for the rest of my life. My little gods are clamoring to stop all this and God is-- well, I'm not sure exactly what He's doing. I keep hearing Him encouraging me in the right direction and I trust He is continuing the plans He has for me and all my relationships.

As I copied some song lyrics off the internet a few minutes ago I suddenly was confronted with this message from God to my heart. It seems to be the theme coming at me from several people interested in my heart. I was moved deeply as I sang, or tried to sing, through the following words.

Lord of the Dance

I danced in the morning when the world was begun, And I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun, And I came down from heaven and I danced on the earth, At Bethlehem I had my birth.

Refrain

Dance, then, wherever you may be; I am the Lord of the Dance, said he. And I’ll lead you all wherever you may be, And I’ll lead you all in the dance, said he.

I danced for the scribe and the Pharisee, But they would not dance and they would not follow me; I danced for the fishermen, for James and John; They came to me and the dance went on.

Refrain

I danced on the sabbath when I cured the lame, The holy people said it was a shame; They whipped and they stripped and they hung me high; And they left me there on a cross to die.

Refrain

I danced on a Friday and the sky turned black; It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back; They buried my body and they thought I’d gone, But I am the dance and I still go on.

Refrain

They cut me down and I leapt up high, I am the life that’ll never, never die; I’ll live in you if you’ll live in me; I am the Lord of the Dance, said he.

Refrain