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A had one of those rare dreams last night that I deeply regretted waking up from. Then I wanted to get up and try to write it down before it was gone even though it was around 1 AM but much of it faded from memory in a short time. I suppose the one reason for that is that it was more of an emotional dream than it was a factual one. What made it so intense (besides the presence of unusual herbs and flavors from the Japanese meal last night) was that it seems to be a very strong message from very deep in my psyche of long-lost, unfulfilled longings and desires. It seemed to last for quite an extended period. What I can remember is the general gist and outline of the events and feelings, particularly the overwhelming emotion that I had that woke me up.
It seemed to begin when I was enjoying a visiting academy school choir performing music that I really liked. They did not seem to be people that I knew particularly but I just remember enjoying the music very much. After that I must have followed them from place to place to continue listening to their various concerts and selections. It also seems there was quite a variety of outfits that they wore as well as music that they presented. You know how dreams can be, not necessarily logical in sequence or substance so many of the connecting details were not present.
Over time my emotional attachment to this group began to grow very strong even though they did not know me very well. It seems that I began to mingle with them in other activities such as in the dorm, during practices etc. I wish that I could remember more but the details have so escaped me. What I do remember was the last scene where I found myself slowly walking down a hallway next to the practice area looking over the music they were preparing for the next concert but more focused on my intense emotions than on the music. At this point I must have been invited to be an assistant director of the choir but the decision was not yet final or maybe was contingent on the members acceptance of me or whatever.
What I do know is that the combination of the powerful effect that the music had on my soul and the intense desire I had in my heart to be accepted and wanted by these friendly, fun-loving young people, my deepest longings to be a part of what was happening here were greater than I can remember experiencing for most of my life. I was suddenly aware that there was an extremely deep reservoir of hunger, a desire for satisfaction that had never been met, dreams long forgotten that had never been realized that lay dormant in my heart. As I walked down that hallway intensely hoping to be fully embraced and loved and included by this exciting group of vibrant young people, the tears began to well up in my eyes. Then I was challenged by the usual confrontation of emotions about whether I should allow my feelings to be visible to others or should repress them or hide them as I usually do. As I considered this I decided that it would make more sense to try to let my emotions be seen, to be real if I wanted them to accept me.
I found myself a little frustrated that the young people talking, laughing and singing next to me were not noticing my emotions and asking me what was going on. They were understandingly too preoccupied with each other to notice me as I continued to slowly walk down the hall. It seemed that my opportunity was about to slip away which only intensified my desire. Then the worst tragedy of all took place – I began to wake up slowly and I began to realize that it really was only a dream. I desperately tried to return to the dream and stay asleep, but as is usually the case, the harder you try to stay asleep the quicker you wake up simply from the infusion of left-brain logic that disrupts the atmosphere conducive to the dream.
So I was left laying there contemplating the remnants of the dream and its emotions and wondering what it might mean, if anything. I asked God if there was some meaning or possible indication of a future event in this dream but heard no clear response. So I just pondered why I felt so strongly about it. The only clear ideas that emerged were that it was clearly a message from areas of my heart that had not been heard from in many years. In a way that might be good in that my attempts to listen to my heart more lately are starting to allow it to communicate more, albeit very timidly.
Another frightening message is that I may be far more vulnerable to heart-oriented surprise attacks than I ever dreamed possible. Like the explanation that I heard from Jim Wilder about why so many prominent preachers who are very experienced and knowledgeable are suddenly tripped up in moral failure. He points out that the knowledge does very little to prevent they collapse because the real problem lies in the lack of joy relationships in their life. So when someone comes along who suddenly fills forgotten but very intense longings hidden deep in their hearts that they were not even aware of, they are very easily unbalanced and dislodged from all the professions and religious claims they have publicly stood on for so many years. They painfully realize that they have masked over and ignored their heart in their lifelong struggle for intellectual knowledge and “success”. Now they are ready to trade it all in along with their reputation, their livelihood and even their families for the hope of satisfying the deep, gaping hole they now realize exists in their real heart.
This potential is certainly not hypothetical – it is very real and is likely one of the greatest traps threatening millions of people unconscious of its existence. What I experienced in my dream seemed to fit this scenario except for the immoral opportunity, although it could easily include that if I was not careful. Maybe it was revealing a different solution to the very real problem of dormant lost dreams and unsatisfied heart-longings that could be yet realized in a positive environment. I do not have a conclusive understanding of what this meant or if there even is a reason for it. I guess that mostly it was a reminder that there is a whole lot more inside of me than I have been aware of and that I need to stay very focused on God to protect me from being blind-sided by attacks aimed at exploiting this very vulnerable area of my soul.
I also have to be careful not to respond by trying to ignore and repress these deep desires. Those emotions can easily overwhelm rules and parameters if they are not understood and respected. I must remember that only God can really satisfy my deepest cravings and that He will indeed do so in the safety of His ways and protections. It could turn into a very wild and possibly confusing time of transition because I will not be able to see where I am going at the time. But faith is believing in the good and perfect motives of the One into whose hands I continue to commit my present and future. God created my heart to start with and He is certainly not ignorant of the depth of my unfulfilled longings. He has a plan that will more than satisfy and ravish my heart while staying in the parameters of safety that will protect my heart from destructive and malicious evil that masquerades as an effective answer for my heart.
God, I trust you to protect my heart while at the same time making me aware of who I am, who I can become and experiencing much deeper, satisfying relationships with others that you will connect me with at a heart level. Only You can give me real satisfaction, and You will use others along with your personal presence to grow me into an exhibition of your grace and glory.
