Well, I've spent considerable time wondering what caused me to fail so spectacularly the other day at the airport. I'm not too interested in deep answers right now, I want to know the real reason. I know it is part of God's plan to allow the worst in me to be exposed to create opportunity for me to deal with it. This betrayed some of my deepest root weaknesses, but what to do is still a mystery.

This morning I finally felt like I could hear God again. Yesterday I could hear some warnings but felt very unsettled all day no matter how I prayed. The devotional To Be Like Jesus said I should not separate Christ from my life and family, and close the doors against Him by un-Christlike words and actions. That description certainly fit me very well. But this morning I felt like the Children of Israel after the defeat at Ai.

It was such a small trigger with such a large reaction that, even while it was happening, I was aware this was tapping into something else much deeper. Evidently rebellion and pride are still holding large tracts of real estate in my soul. I feel like I have been wounded by a traitor in my midst. The false gods revealed their true character by betraying my integrity for various valuables cherished and hidden by them. It may be interesting and useful to know what they are hiding, but the real problem is not just the monetary mis-value beliefs I have but the deeper attitudes of the false Achan-like gods that infect my mind and rob me of God's presence when I need it most.

I think the setup started when I got sucked into watching the movie The Family Stone with my kids the night before. That created all kinds of moral lies and scenarios in our minds and laid the infrastructure for the enemy to access me much easier. Then the intense emotions during my discussion with my sister on the way to the airport elevated my emotional state so I was much closer to danger than I usually am.

Analyzing what could have been different may be helpful or may be a decoy to detract from the real issue. In My Utmost this morning it seemed to finger the core issue quite plainly. Self-pity takes me out of trusting God and creates an atmosphere of fear in my life that will always result in failure, either in small ways or with spectacular public fireworks.

Ezekiel 36 again!