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I have noticed for many years that when I wanted to change the way I acted and related to people, it was very difficult because of their expectations and assumptions of who I was and how they expected me to act. I did not have permission to be different than how I had always been or perceived to be. Their expectations of me also became my expectations of what I was supposed to be and became a strong compulsion to be that way. In that way they actually became self-fulfilling prophecies that obey the expectations.
For instance, I grew up with the expectancy of the people around me that I was an ungrateful, unthankful person. They tried to correct that by attempting to force me to say grateful things against my will and it usually turned into a very unpleasant experience. Since memories are indexed in the brain by emotional category my mind probably since then has associated gratitude with feelings of force, shame and even anger. Since I don't enjoy re-experiencing those kinds of emotions over and over I unconsciously avoid the behavior that is associated with them which unfortunately in this case is gratitude.
When I was ungrateful as a child I was also condemned for being an ungrateful child. I can even somewhat remember occasionally people prophesying dire futures of what I would become because of my ingratitude and selfishness. Prophecies have an amazing power in our lives. They are not unlike the spells of witchcraft. They have magical powers in our lives to cause things to happen. They are powerful expectations that embed themselves deep in our psyche and cause us to view ourselves in line with their predictions. That is why “reverse psychology” is such a destructive idea. It is not the wonderful motivator for positive growth that it is often assumed to be.
The results of my family's expectations of my ungrateful spirit has produced in the rest of my life just what they predicted. I have struggled all my life with both feeling grateful and expressing it. Sometimes even when I feel it and want to break out of my “mold”, I don't have permission to be different and feel compelled to continue to fulfill the image people have of me yet today.
On the surface this looks like a simple problem with a simple solution. People around me say, “Just choose to be different. You don't have to stay that way. We're not forcing you to be that way. We don't like it any better than you do, so why don't you just change?” But underneath and woven through their statements is still the same old expectancies that continue to inhibit me, raising feelings of shame and fear that again drive me into self-defeating behavior even though I really want to be different. It is back to the Romans 7 scenario again.
The key word in the transition between Romans 7 and 8 is the word “condemnation”. Condemnation is the active ingredient in negative expectations. It is the compelling force that was injected early in my life and casts its ugly spell over me yet today. It is also subtly present in the expectancies of the people around me today and especially in my mind. It is usually camouflaged as some other motivation but is always present when these symptoms exist. Condemnation is very tenacious and grows deep tentacles into my mind and heart. It thrives and feeds on shame and fear and dispenses the same back into my heart and out of me to others as well.
This situation is like a locking mechanism in the mind. Like the lock on a ratchet when it is engaged, the harder you try to work against it the harder it locks you down. Trying to overcome it by more force, logic, persuasion or threats only creates more resistance. The ratchet wheel on my boat trailer seems to be a good illustration. The only way I can release it to allow the boat to slide free into the water is to turn the wheel slightly in the opposite direction and then unset the latch before the wheel can spin freely in the right direction and release the safety strap. Once it is relaxed I can then unlock the boat from the strap and can enjoy the full freedom of boating without being tied down to the trailer.
Negative expectations are like that latch that keeps the ratchet locked. Those expectations need to be exposed (slightly turning the ratchet tighter at first creating even more tension) and then changed or unlocked. Part of this process is the discovery of old vows and expectancies that keep us yet in bondage and acting to renounce those vows, both from others and in ourselves. But what I see as just as important is the replacement of those negative expectancies with new and opposite ones.
This can be very tricky at this point, however. It is not unusual for many people to actually camouflage an old expectancy just beneath a new one. The words may sound right but the old spirit is still sending the old message very subtly. That's when the word “expect” has the alternate meaning more familiar to me. “I expect you to do _____,” or “I expect you to be this kind of person...” with the insinuation that if you don't perform as expected you will be in trouble (shamed and devalued). The expectations may be worded properly but the message is still the same – “I don't really think you have changed but I expect you to anyway, so you better try harder this time.”
New, positive expectancies have to be a heart experience. They have to be projected from one heart that believes in you and sees (prophecy's) something good in your heart that you cannot even see yourself. They have to be insistent as well as heart-felt and genuine. That person will persist in the face of repeated contrary evidence to believe in you and remind you often of what they see in you and in your future. “Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Heb. 11:1 This kind of faith is rooted in love and creates hope, “and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” Rom. 5:5
This begins to create an atmosphere of permission so that it finally feels safe to be a different person than I always knew myself to be. When I receive repeated, genuine, heart-originated expectations irregardless of how I currently feel or even act, my own heart slowly begins to awaken, hope begins to flicker and I begin to perceive a different identity than what I always believed about myself. This new identity is very unfamiliar and maybe even a little frightening at first.
As I begin to shed my old identity I go through periods of terror, fear of death of the different parts of who I am, without confidence yet as to what is to replace it. I need to see my real self in the “face” of another person who will really care about my heart, who believes in me more than I believe in myself, and who is committed to a long-term relationship with me, especially if I can believe they will never abandon me. I need repeated reassurance and reminders of who I really am in my real heart because I easily loose sight of it in the clamor of the old gods losing their grip on my soul. I need to know that someone understands how I feel, that my deepest motives are good even when evidence seems to all point to the contrary. I need an environment starved of condemnation and enriched with confidence and life-giving nuggets of joy and affection. This creates in my soul the rich, plowed earth that will begin to produce much good fruit and overflow to affect other people's lives.
“All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.” 2 Cor. 5:18,19 This is the life-changing opportunity we have to release each other into freedom. Taking people through this process who are locked down under multiple ratchets of negative expectations and vows, seeing them through the eyes of heaven and then injecting into their hearts and minds a new vision of who they really are and what they are becoming; this is the ministry of reconciliation that God has committed to us to fulfill. It is spreading the contagious infection of hope, joy and love setting people free from the heavy chains that have bound them all their lives, “and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong bondage.” Heb. 2:15
