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Yesterday in the middle of work and a discussion with Keith, the topic of identity came up. We talked about the problem of attempting to receive identity and value by force against others and our externals in contrast to the desperate need to discover our true identity in the face of God. I don't remember the details of the conversation, but I vividly remember the sudden rush of pain and emotion from very deep within my soul when I realized we were talking about my own condition.
Most of my perceived identity is resting on my growing knowledge and understanding of these wonderful truths and insights we have been receiving over the past few years. But in spite of all the important concepts I am learning I still don't have a foundation of restful assurance of God's confident care and His opinion of my value. I am learning about it and even promoting it but my own heart is still far from being thawed out from the ice and cold produced by the lies like so many chunks of dry ice embedded in my deepest memories forming my concept of who I am.
For a few minutes I could not speak or work or even stand as I tried to allow the emotions to be recognized and acknowledged while at the same time I was also trying to prevent a complete meltdown (probably not the best choice). I mentioned my internal situation to Keith and he became afraid he had said something wrong. The experience was awkward because two systems were clashing. I was grateful that my heart was awakening at all from a much deeper level but was confused and afraid of what to do with these unfamiliar feelings that I only recognized theoretically from recent training. I praised God that there are signs of life in my little boy heart but sad that we as a community of friends still lack the context to know how to encourage and create an environment that is safe enough for any one of us to spontaneously process these God-moments.
