Internal Analysis

I am slowly becoming aware that the immense wall of resistance inside me has a mixture of fear, guilt, pride, shame, rebellion, self-justification, self-defense, fear of death. Sounds like the same ID's as the gods that have been getting exposed. I feel incapable of managing them in this situation as far as getting them to relinquish resistance, they refuse to take directions about this. I stay confused about what method or handle of willpower to use to unlock my mind or even where permission is needed. The exit door is not clearly marked, at least on the inside. And one of them that most people on the outside insist is the only exit clearly looks like it will not only destroy my false identity but my real heart as well, though that fear has been unpacked much better than ever before.

Yesterday Rose observed that my basis for thinking – perceiving reality - is deeply distorted due to a life-long lack of encouragement and affirmation. That feels very true. It feels very strongly that that is one of the primary missing ingredients I need to be able to discern the way out of my trap or take action to move. This is clearly what the Life Model describes as type A trauma. My early years of deep fear of God have not been completely undone yet and the residual effects are still evident far more than I wish was true. Of course, this simply means that I am finally starting to uncover deeper levels of the brain and embedded beliefs that have not yet been exposed over the years of new beliefs that have replaced much of the upper level lies. In fact, I now remember Wilder explaining that when you get down to level 1 and 2 problems and emotions it is beyond the reach of the will or consciousness and can only be changed from the outside. He said the only use for the will at these levels is to trust the other person to make the changes, but with no control either over what is changed or any ability to reverse the changes once they are made.

I don't understand why I don't feel much more appreciation and spontaneous gratitude for what they are doing for us. This is probably the best effort anyone has ever put out for us for the least appreciation. The only positive thing I see in this is that I am not like the people that Regier talks about that shower him with flattery making him realize they didn't get what he was trying to get through to them. This lack of natural gratitude as a constant in my life is baffling to me. Maybe that's because it is rooted in such deep levels of the brain that is is beyond access from my conscious searching. It also makes me afraid they will run out of patience with me and give up because they are not appreciated. Of course there is also the expiration date fast closing in on their stay here that stirs my fears.

Uncovering these emotions is only possible at this point in my journey by capturing them early in the morning and chasing them from one to the next and capturing them in writing before they go deep into hiding again. They only peek out when everything is quiet and my mind is actively digesting the previous day's input and the overnight filing process. Then after awhile they all sink back into hiding and don't emerge again unless some unexpected emotional event occurs. And even then only selected ones surface in response to whatever fits the nature of the event and quickly return to hiding to avoid observation.