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As I thought about this more I remembered the text that was twice given to me as a prophecy for my life. It was the prophecy spoken over Saul before he became the first King of Israel and was really God's invitation to him to enter into a long-term, dynamic, power-filled life of service (which, sadly he very soon turned away from). I wondered if this was an instance of a lone individual receiving the gift of the Holy Spirit. So I looked up the quotation and reviewed it to see what it said. What I found was again a confirmation that God wants us to be used by the Holy Spirit to act in concert with His community of believers and not independently. “And the spirit of the Lord will come on you with power, and you will be acting like a prophet with them, and will be changed into another man. And when these signs come to you, see that you take the chance which is offered you; for God is with you. (1 Samuel 10:6-7 BBE)
Apparently God is not satisfied for our experience to be one where He is just with us individually, as important as that is. Yes, He is faithful to be with us always as He promised even when everyone else forsakes us, but He wants that faithfulness to reproduce within us the fruit of us being faithful to be with His other children as well. One of the main issues in our salvation is the bonding and synchronization that is so vital to being a part of the body of Christ. Paul understood this well and talked about it in the analogy of the parts of the body all working together smoothly and sympathetically. This is what produces the unity that Jesus prayed for in John 17.
Now it is one thing for me to analyze and postulate on this idea and a whole different thing to actually engage my heart fully in this process. I am by nature a loner. I am one of those people who want to enjoy great intimacy with God but I have an extremely difficult time doing it with anyone else. I have been burned emotionally so many times when I have tried to do so that my mind recoils with self-protective defensiveness and fear anytime I think about this even though I deeply yearn for it.
The idea of submission to others (Eph. 5:21) is another aspect of this that elicits strong reactions within me resonating from the rebellion still latent within me from my youth. Any attempts by others to lecture me about this issue only tends to reinforce it. It is a heart issue and this healing can only be dealt with at the heart level by those who are willing to relate at that level. But it is an issue that I have to face and deal with much more fully, I am aware.
I suppose that maybe I am laying out a number of reasons why I am not yet ready to receive the outpouring of the Holy Spirit myself. Not only do I still have triggers that are not yet disarmed involving submission and authority, I cannot even see around me a group of believers to which I could attach to as a part of the body of Christ. I know this may sound bizarre to some people, but it is true. The only small groups of people that I know of in my vicinity that claim to be the chosen people of God are so out of touch with heart issues and stuck on externalism that we only talk past each other when we try to communicate. I realize that this might be a judgment on my part, but I don't know any other way of perceiving it right now. At this point my only source of spiritual social connection with others who are trying to be “real” is when I can make it to a men's group that meets 250 miles from my home.
I know I could go on with this, and maybe I'm quickly getting sidetracked here – or maybe not. Anyway, my original point that I wanted to ponder was the idea that if I want to receive the outpouring of the Holy Spirit as Jesus promised and wants me to have, somehow I have to figure out what He wants me to do in my relationship with His body – wherever and whoever that is. I can see that this is a problem far to big for me to figure out so I will put it back into His hands to deal with. I know He is faithful and worthy of my trust and His heart is toward me and His plans for me are always good, even though at times they are very painful. I want to come into a relationship of obedience and present myself every day to Him to be His slave in total obedience to His desires. What's so good about this is that He treats His slaves like sons, in fact He makes them His sons and daughters and gives them the full inheritance of everything He possesses. I want to be in that kind of slavery.
God, I am trying to be real again today and it feels really risky again. I don't know if I should even say these things sometimes and I'm always afraid they will be twisted or used against me. I guess I still have a lot of fear in my heart in spite of all these years of slowly replacing it with Your love. You still have a lot of work to do in me and I'm glad its Your job to finish what You started in me. I present myself to You this morning as You talk about in Romans 6:16. Take me today as Your slave and fill me with Your Spirit of obedience. I need to feel Your love and see Your face more openly. I need more bonding with the rest of Your body here on earth. I don't know how to do that, or maybe I'm just too afraid – I don't know. But I put my life and my reputation into Your hands today and rest in Your protective love for me. Prepare me more fully to receive the gift of Your Holy Spirit in its fullness and fulfill Your word in my life. Make me an instrument of Your peace.
