Assignment from Dream

2:30 AM. Had a dream that woke me up working on it. School assignment for music class – green LCD vertical signboard full height at side of classroom – changed colors and scenes for different classes. At end of music class when feeling stumped and baffled by no answers to music questions, assignment was to define Messenger. Then define Well-being and the difference between them – ask 12 pastors to define Well-being. After laying awake thinking about this for awhile I began thinking about feeling out of control about TV, then realized this is another issue residual from childhood in Mattoon that I have been sent back here to face. Is it a sin to overcome or a symptom of a gaping hole in my heart that's never been filled? Its probably an escape from the pain of legalism to some extent – maybe a false good news – a way to manipulate and create feelings when real life does not produce the feelings I desire. I feel this transition time is like coming under scrutiny – a magnifying glass to see if all the things I'm learning have actually begun to sprout and take root and thrive in my soul. There seems to be an over-abundance of weeds and stones yet that are wreaking havoc on my productivity. I feel very blessed with wonderful, liberating truths and insights but very tenuous and shallow in experience and depth of root. I am very weak and helpless and even hypocritical it seems. Of course, I asked God to show me myself so here it is. What happens when others find out? Of course, maybe I'm the last one to see it this clear. Condemnation is one of my fears – and punishment. Its nearly all I've known – and dished out to my kids and to the church. What's next? How is God going to treat me? My wife? My children? My friends? My church? Why do I want to know? My identity experientially is still largely rooted in and defined by fear bonds. How and when will that substantially change? My Utmost – friend of the bridegroom – I have called you friends, not servants, witnesses, not the bride.