Posts
I went over to another daughter's house to borrow a lawn mower to mow the back yard where I am staying. It is an old mower and I tested it out before I brought it over to see if it would start. It took a number of pulls but it finally started up but then I couldn't get it to turn off without finding something to short out the spark plug. So I filled it with gas and loaded it up in my van.
When I arrived here and unloaded it I again got it started up and began mowing the small yard but it only ran for about a minute before quitting. I knew then that I was in for some frustration. My emotions were already raw about a related situation and I was trying very hard not to be upset. I wondered if the mower almost had a mind of its own and was determined to add to my frustration.
I tried repeatedly to start it again
but to no avail. It was very difficult to pull the cord to start with and sometimes it would slip and send me stumbling backwards. The motor would almost start – I could hear it slightly firing and trying to run a little, but not enough to get going. Each time I pulled with all my strength and each time it seemed it was a little closer to running. It would keep turning over a little longer each time but only half-heartedly so I knew it would give up soon. To add to my frustration I didn't have any starter fluid to spray into the air cleaner to give it a power boost.
After some time of this with the mower running lazily for maybe 15-20 seconds and giving up, I decided to take off the air cleaner and see if it was clogged up. When I looked at it it seemed to not be that bad but I decided to try starting it without the air cleaner on just in case that might help.
Sure enough, it started right up and I let it run for a bit before replacing the cleaner and cover, hoping that it wouldn't die in the process. It did keep running at that point so I proceeded to shove and wrestle the old thing around the small yard hoping it wouldn't die and make me go through all of that again. It seemed unusually difficult to push to some reason, maybe the wheels were set too low or maybe it was just worn out on the frame, I am not sure. But I wondered if maybe I was supposed to be learning something from this experience as I shoved, kicked and dragged the mower from one end to another, at the same time wrestling with my own emotions.
A few minutes ago this experience came back to me after I read the devotional for today in Sons and Daughter's of God about Jesus' experience with His immediate family and their lack of support and sympathy for Him. The thought came to me that I am a lot like that old, worn-out mower that is so sluggish and lazy to start up. Over the past few years God has invested a lot of training and blessings into my life, but I still find myself dragged down by internal conflicts, interfering cravings of the flesh and a general lack of spiritual intensity. Oh, I am not dead or completely lifeless. Like that old mower I show signs of promise that there is hope that I will get fired up and become usable yet. But also like that mower I find myself running for maybe a little longer after each infusion of inspiration and encouragement but not very strong or completely committed. The text just came to my mind, “let us also lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us”. (Heb. 12:1)
I want to see myself as God sees me, to have the eyes of heaven not only in my view of others but to be able to see my own true condition. I believe there are two things to see about myself that are possibly very different – my true identity based in the heart that God implanted in me, and a real view of the sick condition of my soul that remains mostly self-deceived and complacent and satisfied with my weak, short attempts at abundant living like that half-working lawnmower engine. As long as I am just barely running but not up to usable speed like that lazy mower I am not very useful in the service of my Lord. In the words of the text, I am still carrying around a lot of extra weights that keep me running very slow instead of sprinting energetically and with alacrity .
I am praying for two things right now: (1) That I can see myself without the filters of my own pride and defensiveness that are so firmly in place and (2) that I can become fully ignited, passionate for God and fully on fire for whatever purposes He wants to use me for. I want to let go of my dependence on the crutches and weights and emotional gimmicks that I depend on to protect myself and trust fully in the One who is the only source of satisfaction, energy and real life for my own soul. I know this sounds all too idealistic, and it has obviously been filtered through my left-brain array of cliche´s and metaphors. But it is still an attempt to express what my real heart desires and longs for. Whatever it takes – an overhaul of my engine, a tune-up, better fuel, whatever, I give God permission to do His work in my soul and transform me into whatever He has in His heart for me. And when He is finished I trust I will be most happy and satisfied with the results because I know it is in His heart to bless me and make me a channel of blessing for His reputation's sake.
I don't usually repost a post, but I can't help myself this morning. After I had finished the above writing and posted it I read the thoughts in My Utmost for His Highest for today and could not miss the direct application, the answer that God had for my musings toady. So I feel compelled to pass them on.
“Behold the fowls of the air... Consider the lilies of the field.” Matt. 6:26,28
“Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they simply are! Think of the sea, the air, the sun, the stars and the moon – all these are, and what a ministration they exert. So often we mar God's designed influence through us by our self-conscious effort to be consistent and useful. Jesus says that there is only one way to develop spiritually, and that is by concentration on God. 'Do not bother about being of use to others: believe on Me' – pay attention to the Source, and out of you will flow rivers of living water. We cannot get at the springs of our natural life by common sense, and Jesus is teaching that growth in spiritual life does not depend on our watching it, but on concentration on our Father in heaven. Our heavenly Father knows the circumstances we are in, and if we keep concentrated on Him we will grow spiritually as the lilies.
“The people who influence us most are not those who buttonhole us and talk to us, but those who live their lives like the stars in heaven and the lilies in the field, perfectly simply and unaffectedly. Those are the lives that mold us.
“If you want to be of use to God, get rightly related to Jesus Christ and He will make you of use unconsciously every minute you live.”
