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I was sitting in a large group of people enjoying something we were doing but I don't remember the first part, maybe music, maybe discussion, maybe drama. It was sort of a sunken floor semi-circle area but full of friends and felt comfortable. Then I became aware of a much bigger area above and behind us – there was a church program starting, something like a Christmas vespers-type thing with children's choir or something but not nearly as formal. It was not really like people lined up in pews but more informal with people standing around the room or sitting. Our group took up about one-third of the area on the left side of the room that looked a lot like the university church. The people in our group turned to look toward the front of the church to see what was starting there. A group gathered in the middle, like on the platform and steps, and were starting to sing something but I didn't really recognize particularly what the song was. People were still milling around somewhat in the church – there were hardly any pews if any, at least I never noticed them – so the atmosphere was quite different.
At this point I turned my seat around to observe and enjoy the program that I assumed must be starting. After a few moments and a few lines into the singing I began to notice a pattern slowly emerging among a few of the bystanders in the church. Instead of just randomly milling around, a few of them I noticed had formed an impromptu Messianic dance line and were daring to move across the front of the church. There were very few of them at this point, most just watched and enjoyed the music.
I found this development a little unusual for this environment but also a bit curious. I wondered what the reaction would be. My group was still seated in the lower area also observing this with me. I estimate there may have been around 30-45 friends in my group but I didn't really identify any of them as someone I know in waking life. We were just a group that was relaxed and enjoying each other.
All of a sudden I noticed that a number of our group had stood up and had formed a line holding each others hands and was heading up out of our – whatever you call a lowered floor area – to join hands with the 5-10 people who were trying to initiate a spontaneous dance line. (If you are familiar with Jewish-type dancing this is what I am talking about, not another kind of dancing.) This was a curious development. Suddenly a girl at the end of the new line that I didn't even know seized my hand and tried to pull me up out of my seat and into the line as they moved toward the steps up to the front. Just as suddenly my curiosity and enjoyment instantly turned to fear and strong objections and protests. Inside I really did want to join them and see the line swell large enough to completely encircle the choir. That would be nice to see. But another part of me refused to participate, particularly in front of a bunch of Adventists and right here in this well-known church.
Love had grabbed my hand and invited me to abandonment and freedom, but I was pulling back hard and trying to stay in my comfort zone as a passive observer to protect my fears.
Just then I woke up with a jolt and the conflict continued. I asked God what was going on here. I had already asked Him after each previous dream to keep showing me what is really going on and after revealing something (which I couldn't remember in the morning) He would give me another dream. This time He reminded me of my problem of “image manager”. Yes, I am an image manager, and images are false gods. I am a manager, a director, a caretaker of a house full of images that keep moving around to handle every situation that threatens to expose them. I took on this job in earnest when I promised God(?) on that night in the car with my mom dying at home that I would be “good” if He kept her alive. When she did pull back from death I launched into my new job, my side of the bargain, with great vigor and the gods have been quietly joining the team over the rest of my life until now I am gasping for a breath of reality. They are like parasites within me drawing off much of the life and nourishment that is meant for my true soul and identity. I am often not sure how much I am praying to the true God and how much I am still worshiping the look-alike god that I talked to that night in the car. Yes, my picture of God has dramatically improved over the years and I am still confident that the real God is somewhere behind the scenes communicating with me through all of this. But I feel like parts of Job, the demoniac, the confused disciples and even some of Simon the sorcerer. I resonate with Simon's agonized cry for Peter to pray for him. But the problem with Simon's request was a desire to avoid the consequences instead of desiring new motives.
As I lay in bed experiencing all this I also identified with Jacob wrestling with God desperately begging for a blessing, a new identity, freedom from the demon-gods of his past. He was clinging to Love Itself until he would feel it inside his own soul and live without fear and shame for the first time in his life.
I am the Lord your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. You shall have no other gods before or besides Me. You shall not make for yourself, or in yourself, an idol or image or any likeness of what is in heaven above (even of God) or on the earth beneath or in the water under the earth. You shall not worship them (try to get life from them) or serve them (be subservient to their control); for I, the (real) Lord your God, am a jealous God (for your deepest affection and loyalty), visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and fourth generations of those who hate me (unless one of those generations accepts freedom from slavery through Me), but showing lovingkindness (covenant love-bonding) to thousands of generations to those who love Me and keep (cherish) my commandments (My true identity).
You shall not take (on) the name of the Lord your God in vain (just externally), for the Lord will not hold him guiltless (prevent him from the inner torture of conflicting beliefs and emotions) who takes His name in vain (who claims to be a follower of God's ways but is controlled inside by lies about God). (Exodus 20:3-7)
“You have no part or portion in this matter, for your heart is not right before God. Therefore repent of this wickedness of yours, and pray the Lord that, if possible, the intention of your heart may be forgiven you. For I see that you are in the gall of bitterness and in the bondage of iniquity.” (Peter's response to Simon) Acts 8:21-23
Jacob said, “O God of my father... O Lord, who said to me, 'Return to your country and to your relatives, and I will prosper you'; I am unworthy of all the (covenant) lovingkindness and of all the faithfulness which you have shown to your servant... Deliver me... for I fear....” (Gen. 32:9-11)
I will appease him (my brother)... then afterward I will see his face; perhaps he will accept me. (v.20)
Then Jacob was left alone, and “a man” wrestled with him until daybreak.
He said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” So He said to him, “What is your name?” (who do you believe you are?) And he said, “Jacob” (deceiver, loser, failure, worthless, not cherished by anyone). He said, “Your name shall no longer be Jacob, but Israel (he who strives with God; God strives), for you have striven with God and with men and have prevailed.” Then Jacob asked Him and said, “Please tell me your name.” But He said, “Why is it that you ask my name?” And He blessed him there (imparted new identity, a sense of value, empowerment to prosper). (v.24,26-29)
Then Esau ran to meet him and embraced hem, and fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept. (33:4)
(see Job 42:5,6 Eze. 36:22-32 23:49 20:39,44)
