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This is why it brings such hope when someone cares and affirms another person's true heart intentions while exposing the self-defeating, hurtful habits that hold them hostage. If this distinction was practiced much more, there would be much more hope around peoples hearts opening the way for love to enter and begin to work and grow. Making this distinction is an act of grace, not holding our sins against us but acknowledging it presence and control in our soul. This is the core essence of what Jesus was all about. I have heard about it as theory but am just now vaguely beginning to perceive it with both halves of my brain.
I want to know what this looks like. I want to practice it. I want to be able to receive it and have others treat me this way. The reason I get so defensive and resistant to any attempts to reveal my deep issues is that it is almost always perceived as an attack on who I am. That reinforces th shame that has been the trademark atmosphere of my soul environment all of my life and is the catalyst for discouragement and despair. Pride then comes forward to counteract and protect my heart from being hurt again and the cycle continues to spin.
If I am rebuked for pride and rebellion, my true heart motives, my real identity is attacked as being haughty, selfish and wicked. I hear my Dad repeating his mantra to me again, “For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because thou hast rejected the word of the LORD, he hath also rejected thee...” (1 Samuel 15:23 KJV) I remember the intensity and even how my body felt when receiving that strong message from him again and again. I didn't really know what witchcraft, iniquity and idolatry meant, but I knew they must be very bad so I must be a very bad person at my core. Another favorite memory verse often rehearsed to me was Jer. 17:9, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” This was the primary definition of my heart I learned as I was growing up.
Now I realize that this is why I struggle inwardly to be able to believe what feels like anti-truth that I have been learning from various healing ministries we have been involved in over the past few years. The idea that my true heart has good desires and may even be created perfect in its motives, or at least designed that way seems blatantly anti-biblical, in spite of exhaustive proof-texting to the contrary to convince me of the truth of God's word. I'm sure that some will be equally stirred up with strong feelings against what I am saying for possibly very similar reasons. My left-brain mind has been more or less accepting of this “new theology?” for some time, but my control center and gut belief wiring (false gods) says it can't be so. For all the texts that promise cleansing, renewal, a new heart and identity seem to always have an “if” connected, which in my training and belief system always meant I had to repent enough to impress God that I was worthy enough to be forgiven and saved (until the next offense).
This underlying (with the emphasis on “lying”) theology, reinforced by life-long training and coaching by both family and church makes up much of who I perceive myself to be. And I believe until it is fully allowed to be exposed in the true Light and seen (by my heart, not just my mind) for the monster that it really is, it will continue to run as the default Operating System of my psyche. And as long as this is my OS, it's conclusions and assumptions will strongly influence how I treat other people as well as myself.
Right now I feel the confusion of two Operating Systems running in parallel inside me. No wonder I give people confusing signals and conflicting messages between my words and my mannerisms. It seems like Paul described the same problem in Romans 7.
As I think of it, my mentors in my childhood and early youth were working from the paradigm that people must be thoroughly convinced and convicted of desperate wickedness before they could learn anything about grace. I never did learn about grace. For years it was just a very confusing, baffling word that didn't logically fit anywhere in my understanding of religion. I was taught by implication and mentoring to skim very lightly over, and discount the weight of verses portraying God's wastefully extravagant plans to change us for His name's sake, and instead to dwell primarily and heavily on texts that seem to demand performance and proof of repentance before God could accept and then change us (with a lot of will-power on my part). No wonder many of my friends have abandoned the church trying to reconcile the reality of their true heart within and this theology without (without true grace).
My assigned identity with Saul as being a rebellious and stubborn boy had the effect of producing and strengthening those very traits in my life. The gods stepped in and began to perform, fulfilling my father's prophesies over me. I was receiving a cursing instead of a blessing, just as he had experienced. Indeed, rebellion really is like witchcraft; it casts a spell over you and when you receive it's predictions it assigns its own identity to your self-perception. This is reinforced by resulting actions and reactions toward the very people who assigned you the identity in the first place confirming in their minds their beliefs about you as being valid and “gospel” truth.
As all this faulty thinking and false training is floating to the surface this morning from the cesspool underneath, God pointed me to His word for me today. As I was looking for the above texts in a concordance this text also caught my attention as well. Unfortunately it is not underlined in RED in my parent's Bible like the previous ones are. “And ye shall know that I am the LORD, when I have wrought with you for my name's sake, not according to your wicked ways, nor according to your corrupt doings..., saith the Lord GOD.” (Ezekiel 20:44 KJV) He also reminded me that Saul's identity was produced by a long series choices that resulted in his rejection as king and a life of guilt and despair. It was a terrible curse to have that identity assigned to me and forced on me for the “crimes” of childhood mistakes and sins.
Though it was a commonly held belief by my Dad's culture that “negative motivation” techniques would result in positive changes, the negative messages were only received as delivered and the false gods moved into their new home happy to extend their destruction and madness to yet another generation. The sins of the fathers are indeed visiting the third and fourth generation of those who hate God. (Ex. 20:5) And why shouldn't we hate Him, if He is of the character we were led to believe.
Praise God for His grace that “where sin abounded, grace abounded much more.” (Romans 5:20 NKJV) I choose to receive the prophecy twice spoken directly to me by people of God in recent months. Though I don't yet know what it looks like or all the implications, I accept it as the Word of the Lord for my true destiny. Amazingly, it comes from the story of the same Saul that produced the previous identity curse that was prophesied over me so many years ago producing so much pain and dysfunction in my life these many years. This is the real desire of God's heart and His prophecy about me.
“And the spirit of the LORD will come powerfully on you, and you shall prophesy with them, and shall be turned into another man. And it will be when these signs have come to you, you will do for yourself what your hand finds; for God is with you.” (1 Samuel 10:6-7 MKJV)
“And the spirit of the Lord will come on you with power, and you will be acting like a prophet with them, and will be changed into another man. And when these signs come to you, see that you take the chance which is offered you; for God is with you.” (1 Samuel 10:6-7 BBE)
