As I see one of my friends compulsively returning again and again to argue with their brother in the face of determined close-mindedness I am reminded of a young boy flailing out in anger at his protagonist bully long after he has been beaten and defeated only to be hit yet once again. The bully is almost baffled by the unwillingness of the victim to give up as he continues to deliver blow after insulting blow.
Then I remember that the little boy was, and is still sometimes internally, myself. This has really happened to me and my mind is still deeply entrenched in this angry pride, determined to in the end overcome my opponents by any means possible. I have been desperately searching for several days for the roots of why my heart feels the way it does after my recent unsuccessful confrontation with certain authorities. As I try to honestly analyze my anger and confused emotions I begin to see intense feelings of bitterness and resentment that, left unchecked to extend to their matured fulfillment, could end in violence or worse. It is startling but in a strange way almost familiar.
The bogus so-called judicial system today that assumes guilt until innocence is proved has a trump card on everyone. Everyone is guilty of sinful motives and no one can prove they are perfect and free from any evil desires. So like an evil bully, the authorities harass, intimidate and antagonize “sinners” until they can fish out of them enough sinful response to then use as evidence to accuse and convict them. Sounds like a well-crafted plan conceived in hell and perfected for centuries.
Meanwhile the victims also are plagued with contamination of the spirit of pride and revenge. Satan is the model and mentor for both the protagonist and the victim. In the very last battle he portrays himself as the unjustly beaten victim of a God that he has convinced people treats us just like what in reality Satan has been doing. And as a victim he alternately tries to solicit sympathy and lashes out in torrents of rage and defeated angry outbursts, never admitting defeat.
I am tired of being mentored by Satan and being locked in his schoolhouse. But I am also confused. Satan is refusing to give in to perfect love, and that is reasonable to me to understand that he is illogical. But how does that relate to me being asked to cave in to unjust bullies to be righteous? I'm sure I'm not seeing the picture correctly and I'm sure Satan is behind my twisted confusion.
I have been struggling to understand why my heart feels so pained the last few days and why I have lost the peace of God so much. Satan has successfully stolen my joy and I'm upset about it. But I also know God is using this to uncover deeper levels of sin in me that need to be recognized and released. But until this morning I could not make out anything about the roots. Somehow, I don't believe that giving up everything I've done to arrive at the position of political “freedom” that I am in and once again surrendering to be a government slave abused by the dragon would result in harmony and peace again. Appeasement does not bring peace, only suffocating tyranny. However, direct resistance also seems to be at odds with the teachings of Jesus – do not resist evil. There must be another option that is not yet clear to me. It most certainly and primarily involves attitudes in the heart rather than outward conformity to unjust laws. I'm sure it involves letting go of pride and bitterness, but they have to be recognized and embraced with their roots or, like weeds in the garden, if the roots are not also discovered they will only return again and again.
God – you have a lot of work left to do.
God reminded me that if I am having a big problem feeling compassion or any kind of of love toward the authorities who abuse me and others involved with them – and I most certainly do have great difficulty – then to that extent I am not experiencing His life in me, for He is compassion and love. This is very disturbing.
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