7 Rules and Beliefs in Shame-based Families

1. Sudden, erratic, unpredictable interruptions of activity

   1. Messages that you are worthless, stupid, an idiot

   2. You never know when this is going to happen – its arbitrary

   3. Yelling, screaming, jerking around

   4. Everything always must remain under control – everything must be controlled

2. Never be wrong – never make a mistake

   1. Always do everything right

   2. Perfectionism – always be under control

3. Blame somebody when someone gets out of control

   1. Shame, yell, punish a child

   2. If parents are wrong, blame the kids or pitifully blame themselves

   3. Shame comes to children for parents problems

4. Deny that there are any problems on the inside

   1. Don't perceive – don't have an opinion

   2. Don't feel – have no feelings – “we don't feel around here”

      • no joy

      • no dancing

      • no crying

      • no anger

   3. Don't have needs – never ask a favor – be self-sufficient

      • inability to receive

      • pride

   4. Don't believe, think or dream for yourself

      • denial of aspirations

      • stuff and suppress all feelings and emotions

5. Never allow talk about any family problems

   1. Internalize all issues

   2. creates physical diseases caused by shame

6. Don't ever acknowledge a mistake

   1. Never be vulnerable

   2. Don't open your heart to anyone

7. Don't trust anyone – relationships are erratic and unreliable

These notes were taken while listening to the teachings of Craig Hill on Shame. These recordings can be ordered from Family Foundations - see Ministry Resources.