Growth

We have started reading a book by John Powell that is clarifying the process of liberation that we are experiencing. I have ordered a number of his books from Amazon.com to help us learn how to connect to each other and learn better how to live from our hearts. The book I am reading right now is called Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am?

This book has already helped me understand a great deal some of the thinking patterns, the turmoil and the blocks I have been struggling with for years. It also lays out very practical steps for overcoming these blocks. A previous book which I just received but have not read yet is called Why Am I Afraid To Love? I am eager to get into it as soon as I am done with this one.

Yesterday I experienced another opportunity to act like myself under stress, which I did not handle too well once again. I had come up about 1 inch short of enough laminate flooring to finish my hallway and when I purchased another box of the same brand I discovered that it is completely different and won't interlock with what I have. Furthermore, the material that I need is no longer available. My stress reaction was not a whole lot different than it has been in the past and my anger was pressing hard to unload on someone. I was aware of what I was feeling but knowing how to “act like myself” while in the emotions was still very difficult.

My normal reaction to this problem is to do everything possible to fix it with the least expense possible. This is not wrong, but can easily play into influence from the spirit of Mammon among other spirits. As I searched various stores for possible brands of flooring that might fit what I had with no success I analyzed my feelings and responses as I prayed for guidance as to not only what to do but how to feel. I am reminded that my peace of spirit is far more important to God than resolving this particular problem. In fact, it is not at all unlikely that God allowed this problem to give me yet another opportunity to practice this lesson. Intellectually I know God has a solution of some kind for this and I will see it work out. But faith is resting in peace, acting and feeling confidence in His resolution while having no knowledge of what it looks like.

Another part of this growth is sharing not only the problem with my spouse but sharing my ongoing feelings with her as they happen without judgment. We are actually making progress in this area too. It is very different than what either of us are used to doing, but it is very necessary to move into the future that God has for us together. So we discussed it this morning and decided that if we have to replace the whole floor with new flooring then maybe we should attempt to match the flooring from the adjoining room so there will not be 3 different colors all converging in one corner. I will look into that today. But I feel much better about the whole situation than yesterday now that we are sharing the process of resolving this problem and acknowledging that it is not about my value or identity as I might be secretly feeling.

I am also picking up my daughter today coming home from Norway. This will open up a whole new chapter on this growing process that will be good to see what God has planned. At the same time another lady is coming in to stay with us for a week or two that has very serious challenges to living in reality and getting along with people. We will need a lot of grace and our open communication will be even more important to keep process what we are just beginning to learn and experience.