Internal Parent Voices

Why do I argue with myself internally so much? Voices from my Dad, my SS teachers and Bible instructors and often leaders in very conservative and sometimes independent religious ministries. Most of them are insistent that I believe what they know to be “truth”. They have impressive arrays of texts and quotations amassed to fortify their positions and ward off any and all dissent. They usually have some degree of a dogmatic spirit which demands complete submission to their conclusions due to their exhaustive research. They infer that they are the final authority on their subject because of the years spent refining their strong opinions, but of course they will bristle with indignation if you use that word. They generally present themselves as the voice of God that is not to be argued with but humbly accepted and repeated without serious questions.

Yes, that is a pretty accurate description of the type I remember and still run into once in awhile. Some of you are familiar with what I am talking about. Of course there are plenty of similar types in the political and social world – religion does not have a corner on strong-willed types who feel they have nothing more to learn. It is now their job as retainers of consummate “truth” to force their views and beliefs and lifestyles on as many as possible before they lose their influence or position.

So how does that relate to the voices in my head that I find myself often having heated debates with? Well, I learned some more things not long ago in a book called All My Children. It is the story of a couple back in the 60's, both psychiatric nurses, who ended up taking schizophrenics into their own home and successfully “re-parenting” them from where they were stuck in very early maturity by taking them through the process of growing up correctly. They used the principle proposed by Eric Berne and developed as the concept of “transactional analysis”.

Very simply explained, TA asserts that inside all of us there are three different “selfs” or what they call “ego states”: the parent ego, the adult ego and the child ego. These three entities are dialogging with each other inside of each of us and we also relate to those around us from one of these states at any point in time. We can quickly switch from one state to another depending on the situation and what is going on internally.

The problem that this couple observed in these sick “children” was that the “parent” ego inside their head was so distorted and out of whack that they could not live in peace or function like “normal” people around them. What was needed was for them to have that messed up parent image in their minds erased as much as possible and replaced with a completely new image of what a parent would act like. And since that part of the brain learns by mentoring and observation and not by instruction, they had to literally experience being parented correctly through many various circumstances to imprint a new model of thinking into their brains and memories.

The story is really quite amazing and encouraging though it has also stirred up intense controversy and opposition since it was published. It has also spawned some rather radical extreme imitations that I believe may have taken some of the legitimate insights learned from this story and mingled them with unsound abusive methods and marred the reputation of the original success accomplished by this couple.

The reason I find this so interesting is that I realized that is the same thing I have struggled with most of my life. Even though all these authority figures in my life have passed on and are not longer in my face, they are actually still here because they inserted themselves into my brain where they cannot be so easily displaced as they can be externally. In fact, they have become false gods that dictate and create arguments with the part of me that is discovering more truth and excitement in the true beauty and compassion of God. The real truth about God and how He relates to me is almost always at odds with these voices both from the past and some from the present. So every time I am presented with positive truth in the present these “parent egos” in my head raise a ruckus and I have my energy spent trying to justify what should be easy to believe and enjoy.

What I really need and want is to experience this wonderful process of re-parenting where I could mentor under a wise and loving couple who reflect the true nature of God and show me what that looks like under many different situations. I realize that many of us crave this very same thing and are very sad that it seems so impossible. But somehow I also believe that it is in God's plan to do this very thing. We were built to learn this way. The story in this book demonstrated quite amazingly that it is not only possible but is very powerful and can have wonderful results. But as this couple learned, it has to take place in a home environment with family dynamics and everyday relationships where real-life conflicts can be re-modeled and mature leaders can pass on their wisdom and character to grow others into like maturity. This is not something that works well in an institutional environment if it is even possible at all.

I do not know what God has in mind along these lines for my life. Maybe I am just being made aware of my need first so that when the opportunity is presented to me I will be more willing to participate without undue resistance. Ironically I find myself placed at the other end of the spectrum with younger damaged souls looking to me for mentoring and putting me into high stress situations to see how a person should act so they can correct their own messed up “parent” image. Of course I feel very inadequate in these situations and wonder how long it will take for me to grow up so I can better love the growing number of “kids” in my family. I guess God has a lot more work to do and I have a lot more growing to do.

Back to the arguments that I often discover going on in my head when I read or try to enter into genuine worship or even try to bond at deeper levels with other people. As I become more aware of the existence of these false gods asserting themselves, as I increase my awareness in real time that it is happening again, I also feel more empowerment to not just try to refute their logic but to order them to stop speaking. For I've noticed that no matter how many years I have presented clear reasons why the wonderful new truths about God and about life are actually true, these false voices are never swayed in their beliefs – not unlike the people in real life from where they came from. Arguing and plain facts have no influence on restraining these arguments. I am starting to learn that it is no longer an issue of what is true so much as it has become an issue of authority and control of my soul.

It is true that I need “parent” voices in my head to check my “child” ego impulses that may be out of line or immature. I want to keep a mind open to learning and growing and that is not smug in a dogmatic assumption that I have nothing more to learn or that my beliefs are not subject to re-examination. I have seen too many people like that and it makes me sad, for I see they are unwilling to challenge the lies embedded in their views, particularly about God, that keep them from experiencing greater levels of joy.

But these false gods that have embedded themselves into the “parent” part of my psyche are really counterfeit parents that want to perpetuate the lies of the past and have no interest in my growth and maturity. The spirit associated with them is always stifling, dogmatic and oppressive. They are very restrictive and demand blind conformity to artificial rules and strict external standards. They are clearly false gods insinuating themselves as conscience and demanding conformity and compliance.

So again I go back to the promise of God in Ezekiel and trust Him to fulfill His word in me. "Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. "I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will be careful to observe My ordinances." (Ezekiel 36:25-27)

So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth; It will not return to Me empty, Without accomplishing what I desire, And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it. (Isaiah 55:11)