Practice Time

Well I certainly don't plan these kinds of experiences but I'm not surprised that God sends them along when they happen. After spending the time thinking through the issues about will power, confessing the truth about our real identity and the effects and uses of negative thinking over the past couple days, I found myself right in the middle of a practice session facing the choice of whether or not I was willing to actually put into practice what I have been putting in print. It is always much easier to profess things and talk about them than it is to actualize them while in a bad mood.

And a bad mood was what I was in for sure. It came on gradually over about an hour or so as I struggled to get a lawn mower to work among other frustrations and irritations. Then as I began to mow my daughter's lawn my mind went to the situation last time it got mowed and I plunged into an avalanche of negative emotions mixed with bitterness, rebellion and anger. It was all very familiar and this time I sort of observed myself objectively while the emotions and thoughts swirled around in my mind. I even thought about how I would document it once it was over but that seemed pretty crass at the time. I knew I had much more important issues to deal with at the heart level and I didn't need my mind busy taking notes for another post.

As I pushed the mower around the yard I began to indulge in accelerating scenarios of revenge that were fast spiraling into pretty nasty scenes in my mind. As I realized that I was just as responsible for these imaginings as if I had really carried them out and my sense of conviction began to equal my sense of injustice and anger and I had to decide if I was going to continue to indulge my lower passions or whether I would ask God to lift me out of this familiar cycle of self-pity and rebellion. Being reminded of the things I had written only very shortly before and remembering the warm intimacy that I had felt with God earlier that morning, I decided to respond to the kindness of God and choose repentance, whatever that would involve.

My feelings were not in any mood for that however, and I had to make some strong choices one by one to step away from them and deliberately ask God to take me to the next step. I remembered writing about confessing the truth about my true identity when in this kind of situation and tried to imagine what that meant in the current moment. I decided to give it a try. If it doesn't work for me then it is totally hypocritical to write about it for others to read and try.

Now I suppose I should put in a parenthetical note for someone wondering what in the world would get me so upset about just mowing a lawn. Well, mowing the lawn was not the upsetting part at all for me. It was doing it under threat and duress that was irritating me so much, and that was not coming from my daughter but from the city who had imposed their sovereign will on this property a couple weeks ago and sent someone to mow the yard without our knowledge or permission. Of course they charged us for the “service” and then slapped a large fine on top of that. Anyone who knows me personally will know that that kind of treatment is one of the most effective ways to trip my triggers that can be done. I will not go into much background on this but just leave it there for a little context.

Anyway, as my emotions had quickly elevated to a pretty intense state I realized that I was again at a moment of opportunity or crisis – that depending on what I made of it. If I sidestepped the opportunity to grow I would be back groveling in my old habits and regrets and have to come back to meet this again. If I faced it I would be entering into new territory and I didn't know where that would take me or what it would look like. I just had to take one little step at a time and ask God to carry me to the next step.

So I am supposed to declare my true identity. What does that mean, really? I am to say the opposite of what I am feeling and thinking right now even though it doesn't sound or feel true at all. But I can enlist my heart to embrace it anyway, so I give it a try. “I am a forgiving person, a child of God full of love and kindness.”

That didn't feel very genuine but I stuck with it and kept pressing on, asking for more of God's Spirit to keep me at it and push back against all of my anger and evil desires toward the “authorities” who had gotten me so riled up before. I began to realize that I was not just feeling hatred toward them but according to Jesus' words I had murder in my heart. I had to take ownership of this truth and admit it to God and to myself before I could be free of it. I then remembered what I had learned and shared about starting out our prayers in the negative to engage the heart before I could move into the positive. “So that's it, Lord! You are giving me a practice session to see if I am willing to be serious about what I have been writing lately, aren't you? Well I don't like it very much, but I am sure I need it anyway.”

I confessed my negative emotions and feelings to God and continued to intentionally focus on what God wanted me to say about myself and about Him. As I began to thank Him for His positive characteristics and claim them for myself through His grace something began to stir inside of me that was very unfamiliar. I began to feel a little momentum that quickly increased in speed and intensity as I continued to inwardly proclaim the truth about the heart Jesus had given me.

The more I asserted these truths the more they came alive and my anger and bitterness began to melt away like cold frost before a hot wind. The passion of God began to fill my soul and I found myself almost in tears with repentance and joy and wonder at what was taking place. It was not me doing it so much as following the lead of the Spirit and reaping the results in my spirit. I continued to choose to thank God and put away my resentment and more and more my mind began to clear and my spirit began to soften. It was nothing short of a miracle – it was new ground for me and almost felt like walking on water. I had to keep my focus on God or I felt I would easily sink back into my old thoughts and viewpoint.

Halfway through the yard I began wondering when the gas would run out. It only had at best a half a tank when I started and I was sure it would run out before I was finished. I did not have any more gas and would have to go find a can and buy some gas if it ran out. Then I began to wonder if God was stretching the gas just to surprise me and bless me. As the mower continued to run and run I then began to wonder if it would run out just as I finished. I had an ongoing dialog with God as I moved from one part of the lawn to another. It dawned on me that this was much better than the bitter recriminations and unsatisfying scenarios that I had started out with. In fact, I was experiencing for myself the process I had recently wrote about by starting out with negative dialog with God and ending up in praise and gratitude for what He was doing inside of me.

As I finished the yard I couldn't help but look inside the tank to see how much was left. The thought came to my mind that the reason I had not run out even when I was finished was because God not only provides for my needs but is a generous God as well. It is just like Him to do things like that especially when I respond to His promptings and allow Him fuller access into my “space”.

I will give praise to the Lord for his righteousness; I will make a song to the name of the Lord Most High. (Psalms 7:17 BBE)