Disilluionment

I have been noticing over the past few weeks how much God is teaching me about myself, about life and about reality through the traumatic experience that I was forced to pass through a few weeks ago that ripped apart part of my family. As I read My Utmost today that became very clear to me again. It seemed that this reading was written specifically for me and my heart needs to absorb it much more fully.

Disillusionment means that there are no more false judgments in life. To be undeceived by disillusionment may leave us cynical and unkindly severe in our judgment of others, but the disillusionment which comes from God brings us to the place where we see men and women as they really are, and yet there is no cynicism, we have no stinging, bitter things to say. Many of the cruel things in life spring from the fact that we suffer from illusions. We are not true to one another as facts; we are true only to our ideas of one another. Everything is either delightful and fine, or mean and dastardly, according to our idea.

The refusal to be disillusioned is the cause of much of the suffering in human life. It works in this way—if we love a human being and do not love God, we demand of him every perfection and every rectitude, and when we do not get it we become cruel and vindictive; we are demanding of a human being what he or she cannot give. There is only one Being Who can satisfy the last aching abyss of the human heart, and that is the Lord Jesus Christ. Why Our Lord is apparently so severe regarding every human relationship is because He knows that every relationship not based on loyalty to Himself will end in disaster. Our Lord trusted no man, yet He was never suspicious, never bitter. Our Lord’s confidence in God and in what His grace could do for any man was so perfect that He despaired of no one. If our trust is placed in human beings, we shall end in despairing of everyone. (Chambers, Oswald: My Utmost for His Highest : July 30)

This first disillusionment spoken of here perfectly describes all too well the spirit of the person who wounded me recently. Of course, my great temptation was to respond in kind with a spirit of self-defensiveness and fault-finding. I struggled very hard to not indulge in that spirit but I was not completely successful I am sad to say. I realize that because of the symptoms that betray me – the symptoms of bitterness and suspicion. I certainly experienced disillusionment myself through this experience and to some extent that was necessary to correct my faulty thinking about what it means to trust and love those around me.

What became very clear to me in this passage was the underlying reason why this other person did what they did and continue to do toward me. Their former view of me was based on an idealistic expectation of what they wanted to think about me as “delightful and fine”. When they realized that I was not completely perfect and they were demanding of a human being what I could never give them, that disillusionment left them cynical and unkindly severe in their judgment of me; their opinion of me switched from delightful and fine to mean and dastardly. They realized somewhere inside themself that I could not satisfy the aching abyss of their heart and so they became very bitter and suspicious of me.

This was very painful and even confusing to me for some time until I began to understand what was really going on underneath and see the bigger picture. I still love this person very much and want to relate to them in a spirit of forgiveness and kindness. Right now, because our communication has been cut off by them, I can only pray for them and trust the goodness of God's heart to work in their life to mature them, bring about healing and draw them to Himself in love. I pray that God will give both them and myself a spirit of forgiveness and humility and compassion and reconciliation.

As for me, I have certainly experienced a great deal of disillusionment myself through this experience. Upon reading this passage today I realize that this disillusionment can be a very positive growing experience for me if I will learn to become more like Jesus in the way I relate in trust to other people. I have been learning very important things about this topic repeatedly listening to Clarissa Worley's sermons which have greatly helped to clarify these issues. This reading today solidly confirms many of those things even more and I feel God pressing me to more thoroughly absorb these truths so that I can reflect the attitude of Jesus more accurately.

There is only one Being Who can satisfy the last aching abyss of the human heart, and that is the Lord Jesus Christ. Why Our Lord is apparently so severe regarding every human relationship is because He knows that every relationship not based on loyalty to Himself will end in disaster. Our Lord trusted no man, yet He was never suspicious, never bitter. Our Lord’s confidence in God and in what His grace could do for any man was so perfect that He despaired of no one.

I now see that I too need to receive the severe words of Jesus about my relationships. While my family needs to be high in my priority, if I allow trust for anyone in my heart that is not based on loyalty to Jesus first then I am set up for another disaster. I need to learn to trust my heart only to God and with those in whom I see the spirit of God actively accomplishing His will. But at the same time, my choice not to trust my heart to someone should never produce a spirit of suspicion or bitterness. I too need to remember that no human can satisfy the emptiness of my heart. Only Jesus can fill the void inside of me that demands attention and I need to correctly configure the doors and windows of my heart to only receive life from the Source of real life.

I choose to rest in confidence in God's grace and what He can and wants to do, not only for me but for those who have deeply hurt me. I am sure that I too have been a source of deep pain for others, either intentionally, or far more often quite unintentionally. To expect some human to fill my needs is to make them a false god for me. To lead someone else to look to me to fill their emptiness is to set myself up as a false god for them which will only result in judgments, recriminations and bitter disillusionment. “There is only one Being Who can satisfy the last aching abyss of the human heart, and that is the Lord Jesus Christ.”

Jesus, please come to these people in my life who are hurting so deeply right now with a spirit of bitterness and vindictiveness toward me and bring the light of Your truth and love to their hearts. Melt away their fear and defensiveness and show them the truth about You that they cannot feel right now. You are the God of reconciliation so I ask You and give You permission to do whatever it takes to bring honor to Your name in this situation. Teach me to always make loyalty to You first in all of my relationships and to receive life and satisfaction first and foremost from Your heart. I trust You in this matter and rest in Your plans for my family. You gave me assurance this morning of Your promise in Isa. 43:5,6 that You will bring my sons from far away and my daughters from the ends of the earth. Your heart is towards us and Your desire is to bond us together with cords of love that can never be broken. Glorify Your name in my life today and over the coming weeks and months. Thank-you for Your word and Your power to save and redeem. I praise You and rest in You.