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Both devotional readings today addressed this very thing and now I am here formulating a post about it – how ironic. But that is because of the other aspect of this “journaling” experiment which has provided a lot of benefit and growth for me. Many people have found that journaling during their quiet times with God has greatly enhanced the depth of their experience and accelerated their spiritual growth. I believe that has largely been the case with me as well, though I may be doing it much more publicly than most. What bothers me is this subtle nuisance pestering of my left brain eager to translate what my heart is experiencing into language terms before the experience has even taken form or is fully entered into yet. I have written about this before and it is still pestering me to the point that sometimes I deliberately stop writing for awhile to create time and space for my heart to grow more easily.
Along this same line I have noticed recently much to my chagrin that I have very often been writing things that I soon regret writing, usually in the comments section either on other's blogs or even in my responses to comments on my own. I have been thinking about this and trying to understand why I have such a tendency toward foot-in-mouth syndrome in this area. It seems that at least part of my problem is a sense of pressure – time pressure, sometimes due to my fears of what people will think about me if I don't respond quickly. But when I come under the influence of this pressure and try to write something profound on the spur of the moment I almost always end up writing something very regrettable instead. It is becoming more apparent to me that wisdom is not something to be hurried or forced, it is something to be accepted, respected and treated with great humility, something of which I am in far too short of supply many times.
So I should like to take this opportunity to apologize for my insensitive or coarse remarks written in the passion (and pride) of the moment that have caused some to wince when they read them. I am not being moved here on a self-inflicted guilt trip for this as would have been the case a few years ago. I am simply becoming more aware, though still just a very little bit I am afraid, of the possible enormity of my insensitivity toward others that many on the outside might be quite willing to communicate to me if I were of a mind to listen and receive.
As far as balancing the pros and cons of writing or journaling, I have sometimes felt the need to write out my feelings very explicitly to get them more exposed so they can't hide so easily in my mind but then take that document and lay it aside out of the public view. I know this sounds like just common sense and I'm sure it is, but though I need to be maybe more selective about what I “publish” I still need the assistive benefits of this form of expression (writing) to give more definite shape to what my mind and heart is grappling with at times.
I will share quotes and my comments from the two devotionals that I just read for anyone interested.
Our power is not in our talents of education or means, neither is it in our popularity; it is in self-sacrifice, our willing obedience to Jesus Christ. Those who truly surrender all to Him, will carry a weight of influence, and will carry others along with them, because they walk in the light. Brain power will be inefficient, purse power of little account with God; but heart power, thorough godliness, humble fidelity, will bear a weight of influence that will be irresistible. {SD 236}
I found this statement to confirm much of what I have been learning over the past few years. This is a powerful affirmation of the importance of living from the heart. It even states that when I learn to live from my heart in harmony with my Creator instead of just from my “mind” that my influence will be irresistible. That is stunning to me.
Likewise, the reading from My Utmost for His Highest today reinforced this lesson I am trying to learn at the heart level. Here it is.
Yet lackest thou one thing; sell all that thou hast. . . and come, follow Me. Luke 18:22.
“And when he heard this. . .” Have you ever heard the Master say a hard word? If you have not, I question whether you have heard Him say anything. Jesus Christ says a great deal that we listen to, but do not hear; when we do hear, His words are amazingly hard.
Jesus did not seem in the least solicitous that this man should do what He told him, He made no attempt to keep him with Him. He simply said—‘Sell all you have, and come, follow Me.’ Our Lord never pleaded, He never cajoled, He never entrapped; He simply spoke the sternest words mortal ears ever listened to, and then left it alone.
Have I ever heard Jesus say a hard word? Has He said something personally to me to which I have deliberately listened? Not something I can expound or say this and that about, but something I have heard Him say to me? This man did understand what Jesus said, he heard it and he sized up what it meant, and it broke his heart. He did not go away defiant; he went away sorrowful, thoroughly discouraged. He had come to Jesus full of the fire of earnest desire, and the word of Jesus simply froze him; instead of producing an enthusiastic devotion, it produced a heart-breaking discouragement. And Jesus did not go after him, He let him go. Our Lord knows perfectly that when once His word is heard, it will bear fruit sooner or later. The terrible thing is that some of us prevent it bearing fruit in actual life. I wonder what we will say when we do make up our minds to be devoted to Him on that particular point? One thing is certain, He will never cast anything up at us. (Chambers, Oswald: My Utmost for His Highest August 17)
One thing that impressed me in this is the extreme sensitivity of Jesus in regards to our freedom to choose. While He certainly may allow great pressure to build up in our lives to align ourselves with reality and God, He is very careful not to force our will in the slightest, contrary to what many of us may believe. God puts a great deal of value on freedom being the basis of our love for Him.
This statement also gave expression to the growing sense of frustration I am having with myself about my growing impulsiveness for expounding even when my heart is not ready for it. I have much to learn about guarding my heart times in the presence of God from the noisy interference of my intellect-oriented left brain eager to “expound or say this and that”. I want to deliberately focus on listening with my heart to the hard word that only Jesus can share safely with my heart. Parallel to this, I also want to be careful not to preempt Jesus in His work of delivering a hard word to someone around me by trying to unduly assist Him in that work. Only the Holy Spirit knows how to deliver a conviction with the least cause for resistance or defensiveness in a perfect atmosphere of love. I need to let Him do His job and learn how to simply cooperate in the ways He wants me to relate to others.
Sometimes I find myself running out of inspiration and then discovering that I am just filling in words hoping that they will turn out to sound right, which of course they won't in the end. (I just did that in the last paragraph) What I apparently need to learn is to stop immediately when I sense this is happening (I did) and simply wait for my heart to finish what it needs to do or contemplate before my left brain overrides the “better part of wisdom” (as my folks used to say). I think that this counsel, if consistently followed, would keep me out of a lot of regrets and embarrassment, not to mention possibly allowing my heart more breathing room to feel safe to thrive and engage more actively. (Be patient with me while I have these open discussions with myself.)
My first compulsive comment is that we are TOO HARD ON OURSELVES!
ReplyDeleteI sense this in other blogs that I have listed on my website, but there are many good lessons woven into each posting. We never know who will read - and whose heart will be touched in ways we can never imagine.
Like you, sometimes I stop writing and question what I'm putting out there. (My site being a quite different path than yours, but both hoping to make a difference in some way!)
If we ask the 'spirit' to guide our words, (I always ask my angel to guide the words that come out of my mind), then we should trust that there's a reason why our fingers fly across the keyboard and there's a purpose for placing our manuscripts in cyberspace.
I can't imagine anything you would write that would offend!!! Sometimes the rebellion is from the other person's heart - not yours. You understand that even better than I do.
I realize that SOME whom I KNOW read my blogsite are offended by certain subjects, and out of respect for them, I try to keep those subjects to a minimum. But, I have thought of making a site that is password protected so I can just write from the heart for my own strength.
Believe in yourself and what you believe in. You're fortunate, you know what you believe in! Sometimes I'm confused as to what I believe, but that's where good friends like you come in! Thanks!
Thank-you for your emphatic support. The irony of this post is the honesty that I invest in it. The very fact that I publicly express my own doubts about the purpose of this and my own motives is a statement of how transparent I am trying to be.
ReplyDeleteI am not really ready to throw in the towel just yet but I am learning that not everything I say is something I am willing to strongly stand behind a little later. It is part of the process of "growing up" that I didn't do previously. Most of us have to learn a great deal from our own mistakes and that is what I am sharing here.
I have been observing that I am much more comfortable with what I write if it is coming AFTER the inspiration or is at least slightly behind it. When the words start getting ahead of it I really start to squirm, and I think for good reason. I find it much better to be led by the Spirit than to attempt to lead the Spirit - it just doesn't work out well when I do.
As far as offending anyone, I really have not received any feedback to that effect. I just sense it within myself and regret what I think others may be thinking without telling me. Some would say that I am oversensitive but others would affirm that I am still largely clueless. I suppose the truth is somewhere in between.
One thing is very true. We need other people to give us perspective. None of us can see enough of the bigger picture without a lot of help from true community with others who care about us.