Yesterday I tore out the rotten floor out of my boat. It was covered by carpet that was not quite as rotten that masked the seriousness of the problem. The underlying plywood was more weak than cardboard in some ways. Much of it literally fell apart in my hands as I pulled it out in wet chunks. The fiberglass hull seems strong enough but I am not completely sure about the 2X4 ribs longwise. They are mostly covered with fiberglass in areas but still appear quite wet. I also have serious doubts about having enough room to install a gas tank under the planned new floor. At this point I am not quite sure what I should do.

Amazingly, my soul feels strikingly much the same condition as my boat on the very same day. The enormity and extent of the hidden rottenness is only beginning to be uncovered as the masking layers are carefully peeled away. My carpet, designed for comfort and acceptable appearance, looks in much better shape than the infrastructure of false gods and images beneath though it too has some noticeable holes in it.

Last night it was revealed to us that not only much of my childhood was filled with shame messages but many of the events surrounding the beginning of my marriage were immersed in shame as well. The very night we got engaged we suffered a blasting shame message from my step-mom supported by my dad. We were accused of all manner of immoral motives and humiliating innuendos just because I had my arm around my girlfriend's shoulder during evening worship in my parent's house. After worship was closed I borrowed their car and we escaped into the night overseen by a full moon and a little while later I proposed. I was trying to escape the shame of my childhood and youth only to have it strongly injected into the very foundation mix of this relationship.

How much that has affected us and hindered us from forming close bonds of love and respect, I don't know if I will ever know the extent. But I am sure it is much greater than I ever realized. The floor is being exposed and the rottenness is falling apart before my eyes. I too need a new floor, both in my own identity and in my marriage. How is that going to come about? I don't have much idea right now much more than I know how to fix my boat sitting in the driveway. I value my boat. I don't want to scrap it. I don't see the way clear to buy a replacement and it is a valuable asset in helping create fun opportunities for strengthening bonds with family and friends. I simply don't have the wisdom, skill and resources needed for the problem in front of me.

Likewise, my life and my marriage need far more extensive remediation and infrastructure replacement than I could ever see before. And this too is far beyond my ability, wisdom and resources. I'm sure glad this God-size problem belongs to Someone God's size instead of me. “Who will deliver me.... I thank God.”

The pervasiveness of my pride, the extent and control of the many false gods inside, the paradigm of “image manager” and all that that implies is just beginning to be seen in the dim light of dawn. I don't know if I really know how to walk in the light or not, much less run or mount up as an eagle. But it sure would be a thrill to experience that on a regular basis.

Another baffling and elusive part of me is, what does the real Floyd look like, the one that God originally created and encoded into my genes. I've heard that the real design is unique and extremely valuable and even confident. He has very special and powerful characteristics that, energized by a vital connection with his Creator would bring untold blessing and joy to everyone touched by his life.

I want to discover him. He has been stuffed, stifled and gagged for most of his life. His identity was replaced early on in life by definitions and cheap copies purporting to be his real identity. “The gods must be crazy” is more than just a funny movie, it is a reality. The gods have been managing my identity and my relationships for most of my life and I was clueless. I had no way of knowing that it wasn't me making all those assumptions about myself, it was sin dwelling in me asserting that it was the real me.

Flushing this all out into the light and trying to condense what I am experiencing into words is a very unsettling experience at the least. My gods are getting more agitated by the day as their secure position is fast eroding. My accustomed job of controlling what everyone thinks about me is under threat as well and fear of unemployment in this arena is somewhat disconcerting. I feel very unstable, unpredictable, even unreliable. I have not let go fully and am not even sure I know how. I guess I have never had anyone treat me or believe in my real identity like Kevin and Rose have done over the past few weeks. That to is frightening for I cannot depend on their perspective up close much longer. There are other lives to rescue and this job cannot hog their resources much longer.

So, what is God up to here? This is scaring the hell out me now. That has been my problem most of my life, the hell in me. The gods from hell have been comfortable here for years and now they are scared. But that is pretty much all I have ever known about “myself”. I desperately need more people around me to not only see me with the eyes of heaven but to help me see the same. I sense that I know almost nothing about my original design. My images have been so thorough that I am baffled to know where to look or how separate the genuine from the counterfeit identity. I have thought about trying to assemble a list of pieces of personality that may have the ring of original design, but I'm not sure my own mind can be trusted to differentiate accurately. At the same time I don't feel safe trusting anyone else too much with that job either since other people are the primary reason and source of my false I.D. to start with.

So, now what? I honestly don't know. I'm not even sure if it is for me to know. That may be the issue of faith. I have to trust that God is orchestrating this whole thing and is more than competent to finish what He started and do it on time as well. What other option do I have, continue my job as the manipulator of everyone's opinion of me? That's very hard work, so far has been less than immensely satisfying and is very tiring. However, it's what I am most familiar with and the gods are still demanding participation and cooperation. Their carrots and sticks are still waving in my face. Lord Fear and Sister Shame are confident they can reassert their control over me and I am certainly very vulnerable to their vicious attacks. I not only need God's presence and new life inside but I also need a community of wounded lovers and believers who are living the same experience as me.

Where are they God?

Identity Crisis

I had a dream two nights ago that I will not take the time to relate right now. However, it was so strong that I had to get up immediately and write it down along with the impressions God was giving me.

The other day as Kevin and Rose were ministering to us they suggested that maybe I was acting as an “image manager”, carefully choreographing my life and my appearances to control what others think about me. At the time I felt a resonance inside that indicated there must be some core truth about this that I needed to consider and discuss with God. After I woke up from the dream and asked God what it meant He brought back the subject of “image manager” and began to amplify what He wanted me to see about myself.

Yes, I am an “image manager”. But this time He pointed out that the images I am managing are really the false gods mentioned in the second commandment. These are internal gods that lay heavy burdens on me and cause me to bow to them and satisfy their demands. I either look to them for pleasure and fulfillment and identity or I appease them and submit to their demands to try to avoid pain. I am their manager, the director, the caretaker of a soul-house full of images that I keep rearranging to meet every emerging situation, especially any threats to their exposure.

Many years ago I had a screaming match with “God” while traveling home to Mattoon from Cedar Lake, MI in the backseat of our car to see my dying mother. I was living a miserable life of both rebellion and trying to appease a tortured conscience based on very distorted and twisted views of God. That night after intense anger at a “God” who I knew was going to let my mother die if I didn't change my ways, I struck a deal with Him very grudgingly and under intense duress. I promised Him that if He would allow my mother to live then I would try much harder to be a good boy and put away my bad desires and be a good Christian.

Well, my mother did not die but got dramatically better. Accordingly, I kept my end of the bargain and for the rest of my life until a few days ago I marked that night as the beginning of my walk with God. However, it has very recently been brought to my attention that the god I struck that bargain with so many years ago had none of the characteristics of the true God of the Bible that I now know about. I had always rationalized this discrepancy away by saying that “God met me where I was and used that to turn me in the right direction”. But that idea greatly disturbs me now. I am beginning to realize that it is very possible that, in fact, that night may have instead marked the beginning of my long and illustrious career of “image manager” and actually introduced a number of false gods into my soul by that deal I struck with some entity out there. After that time I launched with great vigor into working on being a good Christian and doing everything that Christians are supposed to do. I realize now as I look back that over the years of those efforts more gods have been quietly joining the team until now I am gasping for a breath of reality. I am no longer sure how many my prayers have been directed to the true God or how much I am still worshiping and serving the imitation god that I promised my life to in the car that night and has held me hostage all these years since.

Yes, my picture of the true Creator God in heaven has dramatically improved over the years and I am still confident that the real God is somewhere behind the scenes communicating with me through all this. But I feel partly like Job with his twisted view of God, partly like the helpless demoniacs of Jesus' day longing to cry out for freedom but the words always end up backwards, partly like the confused disciples misjudging the character and desires of Jesus and even a little like Simon the sorcerer. I resonate quite a bit with Simon's agonized cry for Peter to pray for him. Only the problem with Simon's request was that his desire was to avoid the consequences instead of desiring a new heart.

As I lay in bed yesterday contemplating my dream and the interpretation thereof, I also strongly identified with Jacob when he wrestled with the heavenly messenger. He was desperately begging for a blessing, a new identity, freedom from the demon-gods of his past. He was clinging to the physical body of Love itself until he would feel it inside his own soul and be able to live without fear and shame for the first time in his life. The tears started to leak as I expressed that this was my own intense need, I desperately crave a blessing from the only One who knows my heart, my deepest longings that He planted in there originally. I want to know how to be real, to be free to be real, to know the joy of living from my heart with abandon uninhibited by the constraints of all the little gods that demand I conform to the religious and cultural customs they impose on me. I want to know who I really am, not the interpreted identity prescribed and micromanaged by the gods within.

I am just starting to recognize the various voices and familiar messages from many of the gods in my own head. They are quite insistent, controlling, demanding, manipulative, shaming, debilitating, frustrating and clamoring. These lying spirits have been very effective in locking up my marriage relationship, nearly eliminating my relationship with my children and straining my relationship with the church. Some of these gods are generational gods that have visited me from my father and mother and from their parents.

For instance, my own father's prominent gods of fault-finding and of bitterness have been very alive and well in my own mind and heart for many years despite my best efforts to the contrary. In fact, my despising of these gods in my dad and my repeated vows that I never wanted to repeat his mistakes only served to conveniently assist these gods into camouflaging themselves within me and forcing me to follow their demands.

But as the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, that shines brighter and brighter until the full day (Proverbs 4:18), the light of honesty and truth, especially this last two weeks, has been slowly increasing in the dark rooms of my soul. Consequently the shapes and images of my parents gods as well as many of my own are becoming more visible and their effect on my soul has become frightening.

I am becoming dimly aware that these gods have been so subtle and yet so pervasive over the years that they have in fact defined who I perceive myself to be. They have defined my identity and I really don't know who I am apart from them just as my Dad didn't know who he really was until a couple years before his death. Never before did I even begin to realize that they were, in fact, false gods using and abusing me and those around me. But for the past few days they have been emerging from the shadows sometimes more insistent with their demands now than ever, now that their presence has been exposed and their security threatened. Sometimes I feel like the little boy at the base of the mount of transfiguration being thrown about and abused by these mocking gods while Jesus and his father discuss his case history and the disciples look on full of helpless shame for their inability to bring about healing.

I do not want them to live here any longer, They are not welcome here. I want only one God and I want only the One who is genuinely good, who knows my true identity and who's plans for me are to give me a future and a hope. (Jer. 29:11) I realize that I am just as incapable of evicting these gods as the demoniacs were in Jesus' day. I have wrestled with them for years, managed them, avoided them, tried to argue them away and sometimes even been somewhat loosed from them by grace for a time. But they always sneak back in quietly and soon assert their control in me again further locking down my heart.

The polluted atmosphere the gods breathe into my soul is a low-level fear that most of the time remains just below consciousness. At times it temporarily becomes intense fear momentarily when there is danger of them being exposed, but most of the time it stays disguised beyond even my own awareness. This polluted atmosphere has over the years quietly drained away my life and health and has stolen most of the joy and fun and relationships in life that God wanted for me before my heart could even enjoy them and be strengthened by them. These gods have built thick walls of hard ice around me that prevent me from receiving and giving love freely and spontaneously. They have created a substitute life that looks very similar to true life and forced me to settle for that as the best I can expect. My heart has been kept at a distance from my wife, my children, my relatives and my friends to various degrees. Then the gods in concert with other people around me assert that all these problems originate from me and define who I am. Sometimes I truly want to exclaim with Paul, “who will set me free from the body of this death?” (Rom. 7:24) I have to remember that though “I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that the Law is good. So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. (Romans 7:16-17)

In spite of all this I have been amazed and humbled by the continued personal and frequent messages from God that continue to get through the clamoring voices and lies of all my little images. He has been revealing more and more beautiful truth about who He really is and how He feels about me in spite of all the counterfeit programming from my past and my surroundings. Like Jacob I have to say, “O God of my father, O LORD, who said to me, 'Return to your country (where you grew up) and to your relatives (and the people you grew up with), and I will prosper you,' I am unworthy of all the lovingkindness and of all the faithfulness which You have shown to me. Deliver me, I pray... for I am afraid.” (Genesis 32:9-11)

"This is the judgment, that the Light has come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the Light, for their deeds were evil. For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But he who practices the truth comes to the Light, so that his deeds may be manifested as having been wrought in God." (John 3:19-21) So the time has come to expose these false gods and images to the light. It is terrifying and I sometimes feel like I am going to die. And I suppose I am. I have repeatedly asked to be crucified with Christ, but that does not remove my fear of death. So I want to start by confronting the spirits of judgment and criticism that have been some of the prominent false gods of both me and my father.

As for me, first I want to be freed of all the gods except for the right One who really knows me and still loves me. I don't know how, when or how long this will take but I know already they don't leave without fierce resistance which they want to attribute to me. They have claimed to be my identity , my self-image for so many years that I have very little awareness of the true identity that God created my heart originally to express. He will have to move into all the vacancies created by the other gods absence and fill in the huge resulting gaps in my identity awareness. And beyond that I have very little idea of what is in store. But knowing a little bit about the personality and passion of the true God that I have been discovering in His revelations to me over the past few months and years, I have no doubt I am in for the wildest ride of my life. “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in me will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6)

Dance Dream

Waking up – series of dreams I do not now recall – after each dream I asked Jesus what it meant and I was shown some truth about me – the last dream I remember the punch line.

I was sitting in a large group of people enjoying something we were doing but I don't remember the first part, maybe music, maybe discussion, maybe drama. It was sort of a sunken floor semi-circle area but full of friends and felt comfortable. Then I became aware of a much bigger area above and behind us – there was a church program starting, something like a Christmas vespers-type thing with children's choir or something but not nearly as formal. It was not really like people lined up in pews but more informal with people standing around the room or sitting. Our group took up about one-third of the area on the left side of the room that looked a lot like the university church. The people in our group turned to look toward the front of the church to see what was starting there. A group gathered in the middle, like on the platform and steps, and were starting to sing something but I didn't really recognize particularly what the song was. People were still milling around somewhat in the church – there were hardly any pews if any, at least I never noticed them – so the atmosphere was quite different.

At this point I turned my seat around to observe and enjoy the program that I assumed must be starting. After a few moments and a few lines into the singing I began to notice a pattern slowly emerging among a few of the bystanders in the church. Instead of just randomly milling around, a few of them I noticed had formed an impromptu Messianic dance line and were daring to move across the front of the church. There were very few of them at this point, most just watched and enjoyed the music.

I found this development a little unusual for this environment but also a bit curious. I wondered what the reaction would be. My group was still seated in the lower area also observing this with me. I estimate there may have been around 30-45 friends in my group but I didn't really identify any of them as someone I know in waking life. We were just a group that was relaxed and enjoying each other.

All of a sudden I noticed that a number of our group had stood up and had formed a line holding each others hands and was heading up out of our – whatever you call a lowered floor area – to join hands with the 5-10 people who were trying to initiate a spontaneous dance line. (If you are familiar with Jewish-type dancing this is what I am talking about, not another kind of dancing.) This was a curious development. Suddenly a girl at the end of the new line that I didn't even know seized my hand and tried to pull me up out of my seat and into the line as they moved toward the steps up to the front. Just as suddenly my curiosity and enjoyment instantly turned to fear and strong objections and protests. Inside I really did want to join them and see the line swell large enough to completely encircle the choir. That would be nice to see. But another part of me refused to participate, particularly in front of a bunch of Adventists and right here in this well-known church.

Love had grabbed my hand and invited me to abandonment and freedom, but I was pulling back hard and trying to stay in my comfort zone as a passive observer to protect my fears.

Just then I woke up with a jolt and the conflict continued. I asked God what was going on here. I had already asked Him after each previous dream to keep showing me what is really going on and after revealing something (which I couldn't remember in the morning) He would give me another dream. This time He reminded me of my problem of “image manager”. Yes, I am an image manager, and images are false gods. I am a manager, a director, a caretaker of a house full of images that keep moving around to handle every situation that threatens to expose them. I took on this job in earnest when I promised God(?) on that night in the car with my mom dying at home that I would be “good” if He kept her alive. When she did pull back from death I launched into my new job, my side of the bargain, with great vigor and the gods have been quietly joining the team over the rest of my life until now I am gasping for a breath of reality. They are like parasites within me drawing off much of the life and nourishment that is meant for my true soul and identity. I am often not sure how much I am praying to the true God and how much I am still worshiping the look-alike god that I talked to that night in the car. Yes, my picture of God has dramatically improved over the years and I am still confident that the real God is somewhere behind the scenes communicating with me through all of this. But I feel like parts of Job, the demoniac, the confused disciples and even some of Simon the sorcerer. I resonate with Simon's agonized cry for Peter to pray for him. But the problem with Simon's request was a desire to avoid the consequences instead of desiring new motives.

As I lay in bed experiencing all this I also identified with Jacob wrestling with God desperately begging for a blessing, a new identity, freedom from the demon-gods of his past. He was clinging to Love Itself until he would feel it inside his own soul and live without fear and shame for the first time in his life.

I am the Lord your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. You shall have no other gods before or besides Me. You shall not make for yourself, or in yourself, an idol or image or any likeness of what is in heaven above (even of God) or on the earth beneath or in the water under the earth. You shall not worship them (try to get life from them) or serve them (be subservient to their control); for I, the (real) Lord your God, am a jealous God (for your deepest affection and loyalty), visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and fourth generations of those who hate me (unless one of those generations accepts freedom from slavery through Me), but showing lovingkindness (covenant love-bonding) to thousands of generations to those who love Me and keep (cherish) my commandments (My true identity).

You shall not take (on) the name of the Lord your God in vain (just externally), for the Lord will not hold him guiltless (prevent him from the inner torture of conflicting beliefs and emotions) who takes His name in vain (who claims to be a follower of God's ways but is controlled inside by lies about God). (Exodus 20:3-7)

“You have no part or portion in this matter, for your heart is not right before God. Therefore repent of this wickedness of yours, and pray the Lord that, if possible, the intention of your heart may be forgiven you. For I see that you are in the gall of bitterness and in the bondage of iniquity.” (Peter's response to Simon) Acts 8:21-23

Jacob said, “O God of my father... O Lord, who said to me, 'Return to your country and to your relatives, and I will prosper you'; I am unworthy of all the (covenant) lovingkindness and of all the faithfulness which you have shown to your servant... Deliver me... for I fear....” (Gen. 32:9-11)

I will appease him (my brother)... then afterward I will see his face; perhaps he will accept me. (v.20)

Then Jacob was left alone, and “a man” wrestled with him until daybreak.

He said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” So He said to him, “What is your name?” (who do you believe you are?) And he said, “Jacob” (deceiver, loser, failure, worthless, not cherished by anyone). He said, “Your name shall no longer be Jacob, but Israel (he who strives with God; God strives), for you have striven with God and with men and have prevailed.” Then Jacob asked Him and said, “Please tell me your name.” But He said, “Why is it that you ask my name?” And He blessed him there (imparted new identity, a sense of value, empowerment to prosper). (v.24,26-29)

Then Esau ran to meet him and embraced hem, and fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept. (33:4)

(see Job 42:5,6 Eze. 36:22-32 23:49 20:39,44)

Sea change expected, possibly soon..... I have been very busy working out of state for about 4 months remodeling houses for relatives and friends. I have not finished any of them but I have learned a great deal during that time about relationship dynamics and about myself. I am assuming that I will be returning to each of those jobs to finish up soon, if possible. Meanwhile, back at the ranch... Things at home have been coming apart and falling into disarray as might be expected. The yard got quite out of control, the garden is overgrown with weeds, appliances are breaking down, bookwork is 4 months behind and people are asking if I still live here. I came home and brought Kevin and Rose Ferreira to stay with us for awhile to offer their service, or process as they like to call it, to anyone interested in the local churches or community. Amazingly it seems almost no one in this area has any problems whatsoever that need resolving, no conflicts, not even any marriages that need improvement. I guess I never realized how close to Nirvana we really lived. Anyway, we are trying to let them work with us while we have the opportunity. As expected (one of the problems they have fingered -- expectations) it is very difficult for us to unlock our hearts and get real. But that doesn't prevent us from continuing to chip away at the ice. I am noticing signs of cracks developing in my ice barrier which is encouraging and frightening at the same time. I have been writing a lot of thoughts and insights down on legal pads but obviously none of them have made it to this site yet. I need to have a better system if I want to use this forum as an outlet for my musings. When I am away from home it is nearly impossible to post as I usually don't have internet access or even a computer. We both spent a very enriching week together a month ago up in Big Rapids, MI attending a THRIVE conference. They paid our expenses to record the whole conference and produce the master copies for them to use for sales. Even though we didn't participate in the many right-brain excercises that are so important to the learning experience because we were not registered attendees, we were able to listen to most of the presentations by Jim Wilder and some by Chris Coursey and were immensely blessed by the worship and Messianic dancing every evening. After the conference I spent another week and a half working more on the house project in MI and then when I arrived at home I began editing and preparing the master copies of the recordings. It was a much bigger project than I had anticipated and took me about another week and a half of solid long days to finish up the project and send it off to them. When I have more time I may go back and fine-tune the editing and remaster them, but for now I will leave it alone. It was very frustrating to be doing this while we had our friends here who were waiting patiently for us to have some time so they could work on improving our marriage and our internal baggage and blocks. This couple is very skilled at what they do. They are quickly getting enormous experience all over the country with absolutely amazing results in people's lives, families, relationships and even businesses. The word is spreading about them quickly and transformed and energized people share their stories with all their friends and more people beg for help. I will post their contact information on my ministry resources list if you are interested in learning more. I spent some time reading a few chapters of Linda's book and noticed how many times she referred to many things about her perspective and feelings that I am now learning so much about. It's nice to know, in a way, that some people are way ahead of me in some of these areas of perception of life and what is really important. That means I have people that understand some of what I am doing and even have an idea of what is ahead for me because they have already been there and done that. Well, I should bring these ramblings to closure. I am praying for major breakthroughs in my thinking and heart-understanding soon. I have learned a great deal about it lately but dropping down into a heart experience is a whole different story. I have been listening to the series of Munchies, Kingdom Snacks by Jim Wilder (available from CARE Packaging) and every one of them have amazed me. They have really opened up my mind and given me startling and practical applications to stories and verses I had never dreamed of before. They have also given me realtime assistance as I struggle to break through the fog and the lies that have distorted my perception of reality all of my life. I highly recommend them to anyone who wants to grow and expand their spiritual insight. Well, that's all for now. Hopefully I will have time someday to transfer some of my legalpad logs to the web for what its worth. Grow and come alive today. God wants nothing more that for us all to be fully alive and moving together in perfect harmony and energized by His passion.

Logs and Splinters

“Why do you see the speck in your neighbor's eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbor, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' while the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye.” (Matthew 7:3-5 NRSV)

The reason there is always a log in my eye and a splinter in yours....

When I see a fault in someone else it magnifies the same fault that lurks inside me. The splinter is a chip off the block made of the same material. Because your fault tends to magnify my fault and I don't want to see my own fault first, then I attack your fault to quiet my own discomfort.

A splinter may even be the same size in both your eye and mine. But through the principle of perspective the relative size of trying to look past a splinter that is so close to me that is in me makes it appear as big as a log. And as far as useful vision is concerned it is the size of a log.

The log is always in my eye, not just because it may or may not be bigger than the splinter in another's eye but because (1) it is composed of the same material and (2) it is at extremely close range making it appear much larger and (3) it hopelessly distorts my ability to be of any use helping the other person. The splinter in my own eye (notice it is not in my hand or anywhere else) is the only one I have an effective choice of dealing with. If I attend to my own repair, realize I need the assistance of someone who no longer has blurred and obstructed vision to help me remove my own problem, then I will experience and model to others the very process and ensuing freedom that they need to experience and enjoy. Then I can assist them in humility, compassion, patience and sympathy sharing from a new perspective of a recovering fault-victim. Instead of being a fault-finder and accuser I can now become a hope-sharer and an assistant for the Divine Surgeon.

By story-telling my own experience of transformation from victim to healed I bear testimony and thereby effectuate the growth of the Body. Testifying was the trademark activity of the early New Testament believers and it was their most effective tool.