Personal Conviction

I woke up early again this morning this time with a strong conviction growing in my heart. I spent a lot of time yesterday evening downloading some of my favorite Christian music off the internet. These songs are a real inspiration to me. But I was now convicted that I am stepping across a line of integrity that may well interfere with my quest for intimacy with God.

This is a very subtle area that can become very confused if I don't keep my focus on the bigger picture. Many would argue that the benefits of listening to wonderful worship music would outweigh any uncertainty about the ethics of how it was acquired. With nearly everyone seemingly approving of such activity it is very easy to rationalize.

But that is for me the very essence of the danger. I grew up fine-tuning the art of rationalization, and though it exercised my ability to think, it also ingrained the habit of self-deception on the way to achieving what I craved. The Spirit impressed me that my credibility will be called into question on this issue sooner or later.

I analyzed my natural response to this conviction and saw the familiar outline of a false god inside of me. It is too easy to protect these gods because they are often there to make me happy. That does not mean they are interested in my long-term satisfaction, just immediate pleasure. That is their trademark signature. In this case, my immense enjoyment of this particular music, no matter how “spiritual” it is, can become a deceptive decoy promising to be a source of life when in fact it can turn out to be a deadly liability when I am exposed to the pure presence of God's passion. Ironically the very music that I want to listen to that may help me better enter into His presence could become my worst liability. Not because the music is wrong, but because of the hidden virus of motive I cherished to excuse the means of acquiring it.

Yesterday I commented to a friend how I felt while sharing with someone recently about my favorite subject, the real truth about God in my growing understanding of the truth about hell. I notice that when I share this liberating truth with someone who is interested that I start to feel more alive and fulfilled. I am starting to see that it gives me a reason – more than that, a passion – to live and love and connect with other hearts. I get excited when I see the light seeping into dark minds that have been deceived all their life as I have been on this subject. It is liberating because it unties and exposes so many other lies about God and presents Him in a context of perfect consistency with the love and compassion that we claim are the center of His nature.

I sense that God is preparing thousands of hearts and minds with this truth to all merge into a surprise offensive on the enemy's massive cathedral of lies assembled over centuries of deception. It will expose a level of glory for God unseen before since possibly the beginning of the world. The question He has for me is, am I willing to release and let go of any false sources of life to trust Him alone to satisfy me, or am I going to rationalize and protect any source of pleasure that I have allowed to be more important to me than my trust in God's love and plans for me.

This is what I am seeing going on in my heart right now, not just my mind. As I read the two devotional books this morning both of them had important things relevant to what God is saying to me. I could hear His voice reinforcing the words and making application to me personally. The first book, Sons and Daughters of God, had a series of very helpful insights.

“Christ's office work is to introduce us to God as His sons and daughters.

“There is an inexhaustible fund of perfect obedience accruing from His obedience. In heaven His merits, His self-denial and self-sacrifice, are treasured as incense to be offered up with the prayers of His people. As the sinner's sincere, humble prayers ascend to the throne of God, Christ mingles with them the merits of His own life of perfect obedience. Our prayers are made fragrant by this incense. Christ has pledged Himself to intercede in our behalf, and the Father always hears the Son.

“He...will look with pity and compassion upon every soul who realizes that he can not save himself.

“His hand holds you much firmer than you can hold His hand.” (p.22)

Then I meditated on the reading in My Utmost for His Highest and was reminded of the call God had hinted at earlier this morning.

“The call is the expression of the nature from which it comes, and we can only record the call if the same nature is in us. The call of God is the expression of God's nature, not of our nature. There are strands of the call of God providentially at work for us which we recognize and no one else does. It is the threading of God's voice to us in some particular matter, and it is no use consulting anyone else about it. We have to keep that profound relationship between our souls and God.

“...As long as I consider my personal temperament and think about what I am fitted for, I shall never hear the call of God.... The majority of us have no ear for anything but ourselves, we cannot hear a thing God says. To be brought into the zone of the call of God is to be profoundly altered.”

I faintly sense that there is tremendous excitement and intensity in the heavenly world that I am not well atuned to yet. But God is inviting me into a deeper experience and possible soon a more active involvement if I am willing to cooperate with His preparation of my heart. The most encouraging words to me were the assurance that His hand holds me much firmer than I can hold His hand. That's wonderful good news.

“God, hang on to me.”

Ice Art

I walked around town last night taking pictures of all the ice carvings that had been created the night before. In the intervening hours we had experienced unseasonal temperatures just around freezing (warm for the middle of January) and intermittent rain. This of course seriously compromised the fine details of these sculptures but most of them still retained a fair amount of beauty.

I observed one of the craftsmen last evening carving on his blocks of ice with a grinder. My daughters pointed out to me that on the face of the blocks was white paper containing the outlines of what the object was to look like. The artist then followed the pattern as he carved away the frozen ice to reveal the beauty that already existed in the mind of the creator. He grinds, chips or melts away the excess ice according to the pattern design to create a beautiful object of art in a third dimension that before only existed in two dimensional outline.

As I reflected on it this morning and looked at the photos I had taken, I was reminded of the admonition to “work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.” Though that text has likely been misused to justify a great deal of legalistic activity through the years, I have pondered for a long time what it really does mean. As I compared it to what I was observing here it helped to make a little more sense.

Do not be too rough on the ice. Ice can be very fragile even though it seems very hard. Rough treatment will mar and ruin the original design. Of course a master craftsman could still create an alternate piece of art that could be very useful, but a lot of problems could be avoided with patience and carefulness. This art is very fragile but under the careful, persistent work of the craftsman can become very beautiful.

Do not be too resistant. The ice is shaped over several hours with sharp tools, saws and even hot flames at times. The true beauty of the object is difficult to see until it is nearly finished

This analogy has some good lessons for me. But in the end, like most analogies, it breaks apart. While I want to cooperate under the skilled hands of God in bringing out the beauty and glory that God designed for me, in the end I want to be much more than a frozen, melting piece of frigid water. I was designed to have a heart aflame with the very passion of God, that is warm and caring, soft and vulnerable, connected to the very Source of life itself.

These pictures are after almost 24 hours of semi-warm temperatures and intermittent rain.

Heart vs. Head Control

We were created to live from our heart and God's restoration process will take us back into this arrangement. Because we were designed this way it stands to reason that our heart has available to it more resources and better equipment to do the job correctly. An analogy might be like trying to operate a complex, large piece of equipment with some of the controls missing. Living from the intellectual side might be like trying to drive a car without one of the needed pedals or with some of the critical gages missing. Or maybe a better analogy might be trying to fly an aircraft without important gages or with certain controls missing.

The left brain is so independent and proud and so sure that it can successfully do the job better that it will develop coping strategies that it is sure will be up to the task. This is the deceptive legacy all of us received from our first parents. This is where we picked up the “picker” and its affects have dominated our lives ever since. Our selfishness and independence will always lead us to believe that we can figure things out given enough information and time and resources. But this is not living from the heart or being led by the Spirit and sooner or later it is guaranteed to fail. This is living by rules and logic.

Living a rule-based life is what Paul identified as living under the law. This is when we use the “picker” to guide our life and choices. We compile and synthesize information and then sometimes ask for guidance by the Holy Spirit and may even have wonderful insights and spiritual knowledge. But if the leading edge of our life is guided more by our logic and rule-based thinking then we are actually living in the flesh and often wondering why we are having a Romans 7 kind of life. We may firmly believe that we are indeed led by the Spirit while still depending on our picker. It is quite amazing how easy it is to remain deceived in this area of life.

While it is true that the heart has available to it all the “controls” necessary to guide our lives and was designed for that job, it is also true that sin has damaged our hearts so that they are immature and untrained. When we try to live from our heart, for awhile it can appear highly unstable and untrustworthy. This is why the idea of living from the heart often has so little credibility because it can be very messy and erratic especially at first compared to those living an apparent stable existence from their head based on rules.

Because of sin and its crippling effect on our setup, our hearts are no longer capable of making right choices without outside intervention and guidance even though that was their intended role. While this guidance can only be safely supplied by God's Spirit, it is this very deficit in our heart that invites takeover by the logical left brain. So our hearts are the proper driver's seat from which we need to live genuinely but they also need a divine vital connection to succeed.

A counterfeit of being led by the Spirit is being led by our own emotions and base desires which will always be infiltrated by spirits from another source. This results in possibly living from our heart but from a hijacked heart. This is the arrangement that most people indulge in who have become cynical about hypocritical religion and watching rule-based people try to be “good” without living from their hearts. They see that living from the head is so destructive to relationships and steeps people deeper and deeper into the results of legalism. So they decide to take an apparent opposite course and immerse themselves in emotionalism or pleasure-seeking.

But neither of these are what God has designed for us to live successfully and thrive. We need to realize our need and dysfunction and understand what ditch we find ourself in and then participate in the plan of restoration (salvation) that God has put together to bring us back into living life abundantly. We need to learn what really satisfies our soul instead of going for temporary pleasures that only mask our pain or immerse ourselves in rules and formalism which also ignores our real emptiness.

When we finally connect with the Lover of our soul who is also the only Source of real life; when we allow Him to restore the proper functional arrangement within our minds with our hearts at the top under the control of His Spirit, then we will truly begin to experience life as described in Ephesians 4:13. “Until we're all moving rhythmically and easily with each other, efficient and graceful in response to God's Son, fully mature adults, fully developed within and without, fully alive like Christ.”

Praise Experience

This morning I attended church at PMC in Berrien Springs. I was hoping for several things. I hoped that Dwight Nelson would be the speaker, for he always has something important to think about and invests a lot of effort into making the presentation attractive and effective. I was hoping that we would be in time for the worship and praise music and if we were fortunate that the musicians would be somewhat skilled and organized. I have been disappointed many times over the years by the quality of the praise teams and their delivery given the resources that are available in such a community as this.

I was more than surprised by the experience we enjoyed today. As the praise team assembled and warmed up just after Sabbath School I knew we were in for something very unusual and wonderful. The team was composed of a string ensemble, several guitars and a bass, an excellent pianist and a quartet of singers who actually were singing parts and blended well.

I hate to say it, but most of the teams I have observed over the years since I was on a praise team at this church maybe 10 years ago now, most of the singers have not bothered to practice enough or care enough to create a quality atmosphere for what I believe is needed for a good corporate worship experience. Too often they just try to imitate their favorite artists they hear on the radio without going to the work to supply the needed musical support. They often don't even sing any harmony parts. They just sing along in unison as best they can and have a few backup musicians that seem to be whomever they could round up or were friends of theirs. I had seriously begun to wonder if it has become out of fashion to sing harmony parts any more or maybe that was considered too old-fashioned and out of date.

This group this morning revived my hope that there are still people who believe in and are willing to invest in what it takes to truly lead a congregation in a meaningful worship experience that will draw out hearts to God. The songs were well chosen and flowed seamlessly together. The transitions were well orchestrated – literally – and the whole experience flooded my heart with forgotten memories of powerful scenes of worship that I had experienced with the worship team years ago. Back then God led me on a journey of growth and stretching that forced me to rethink the narrow box of worship – if it could even be termed that – that I had previously known.

Now as I tried to sing along with songs that I once had helped lead, long dormant emotions quickly welled up from my heart and begin to fill my eyes with water. I began to struggle to continue singing, as I desperately wanted to participate once again in this most refreshing opportunity to enjoy offering my emotional praises to my wonderful Father. But it was too much for me. I simply had to listen much of the time and sing along in my heart as my voice was incapacitated by my emotions. Once in a while I attempted again to sing a few notes but was quickly overcome again and lost my voice.

In a way it was a little disappointing but I decided to just enjoy it to the most that I could. I offered myself directly to God with all my feelings and emotions and limitations and once again enjoyed the intimacy of His presence. It was wonderful, refreshing and strengthening. I was able to sing with parts of some songs. In the middle they sang a hymn with just the organ and I emotions cooled enough to participate fully. Then another emotional praise chorus once again aroused my feelings.

At that point I noticed something. It was when I consciously sang the words directly to God and allowed their meaning to flow from my own heart in honesty that the intensity of my experience escalated to somewhat uncontrollable levels. I was not just singing along with a congregation or enjoying a well-executed group of musicians. That was all very helpful and reduced the amount of distraction from worship. But when I went beyond that and opened my heart to focus consciously toward God I would experience the reality created by the words and the music in a way that is unexplainable to anyone who has not experienced this. I believe maybe this is a little of what it means to offer a sacrifice of praise.

Another thought crossed my mind as maybe a mild warning. I have been very critical of the tendency of many people in many churches to worship their worship service more than God. I still believe that is a major problem and an obstacle to real worship of God. But I too could fall into that same trap along with many others if I allow the style of worship that lifts me high into the experience of His presence to become the focus of my attention more that the reality of who God is and what He is like. I believe that in fact, many today make praise and worship experiences the source of their emotional religion and fail to connect to and submit to the God that they believe and claim they are worshiping.

For too long conservative Christians have shied away from emotions particularly in worship because they are afraid of a shallow, emotional-based theology that will foster an atmosphere of deception. This is a very real issue and must be guarded against. But too often in their avoidance of this danger they have erred to the other extreme and fail to allow their hearts to burn with the passions and emotions that God created us for and wants to us to connect with Him. It is not a case of one or the other. We should not believe that we must choose between formal, heart-starved orthodoxy or mindless emotionalism and feeling-based theology. God is not honored by either of those. In fact, both extremes are actually very selfish and misguided.

Jesus expressed it best when He discussed worship with the outcast woman at Jacob's well. He revealed to her that both sides had missed God's heart. "But an hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; for such people the Father seeks to be His worshipers. "God is spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth." (John 4:23-24)

There was one lingering disappointment this morning I could not avoid. While worshiping with my heart and soul and voice I wanted so badly to also be free to worship with my body as well. I want to stand up and lift my hands to my Creator and Redeemer and Friend in an offering of love and gratitude. I know, I should not be intimidated by what others think of me. But I'm not there yet. I am intimidated and I couldn't do it, not yet at least. But I sure wanted to. I long for the day when I can worship more fully with like-minded worshipers who offer up their hearts and their hands to God in joyful unity free of all fear and shame. Yes, I'm really anxious to see that day come soon. I had forgotten how good it is to sing and give praise to the Lord, for his mercy and loving-kindness endures forever.

Cookies and Viruses

The media today has taken on an intensity of mind-control unlike any time possibly in the history of the world. It is designed to implant in our minds very quickly and efficiently “cookies” and “Trojan viruses” that not only distort our view of reality but that are designed to respond to external stimulations on demand. The media has become one of the most powerful means of the enemy of our souls to coordinate his schemes and consolidate his vice-grip over the minds and souls of men and women. In just a few moments of exposure he can implant seeds that contain his image deep into our hearts that quickly spring up and produce destructive fruit.

He is permeating the world with the means of propagation. It is becoming increasingly difficult to avoid exposure to this innocuous, pervasive atmosphere. In nearly every store, eating establishment, public buildings, workplace, construction site and even in every home we are surrounded with media intended to manipulate and infiltrate our minds. It is now fashionable to attach all sorts of appendages to our bodies to more easily facilitate our brain-washing and conditioning.

When Jesus said to the disciples just before he was betrayed and crucified that the enemy was coming but would not find anything in Jesus, He was referring to His heart and mind. The enemy could not find any implanted “cookies” or viruses in Jesus that would respond to external stimulus. James 1:14 points out that each of us is tempted when the lust inside of us responds to an external attraction. That sets up a chain reaction culminating in death.

Words, pictures and music work together to implant powerful images designed to reproduce some attribute inside the soil of our soul. Very often we are allowing both good and bad seed to be sown in our hearts. We have unconsciously bought into the lie that if we spend some amount of time exposing ourselves to times of “good” implantation that it will somehow counteract or neutralize the seeds of corruption that we want to enjoy. But it doesn't take a rocket scientist to observe that weeds tend to outgrow and out-produce food plants in our garden. Without intentional and persistent action to eliminate weeds and nurture the plants we desire, our gardens become suffocated with whatever is blown in from the surroundings.

This is all out war. But part of the strategy of the enemy is to not only try to prevent us from understanding his plots, but if he is exposed, to neutralize our alarms and defenses to leave him free to operate within us. He is like the computer hackers who design unseen worms that infect thousands of computers via the internet and takes over control of them to use for his purposes unbeknown to the owners. Or, if we do become aware of his infiltration we are overcome with “laughing gas” that causes us to be indifferent.

Nitrous oxide, or laughing gas, has a very interesting way to neutralize our response to pain. It actually does not block or remove one's awareness of the pain at all. While under it's influence you will feel pain fully and undiluted. What it does however, is to disable the part of the brain that cares about it and takes action to do something about the pain. So a person under this drug can suffer immense pain and suffering but will not care at all about stopping it or doing anything about it.

This is a very accurate description of the condition of many of us today. Satan through various means had filled our souls with laughing gas so we can be clearly shown our desperate condition before God but can choose to live in the pain and not attempt to avail ourselves of God's deliverance. We simply don't care anymore. We will continue to indulge in the feeding frenzy that brings temporary bits of pleasure while ingesting more and more viruses that embed our souls with lies.

These lies are at root ultimately lies about God and about ourselves. Many of them are like land-mines implanted beneath our consciousness waiting to be triggered and explode in our hearts. This is the true nature of the war we find ourselves in. Jesus exposed the true desires of Satan for every one of us. He clearly laid out the real character of the two opposing sides in the battle over our souls. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." John 10:10.

I am observing this intense battle taking place within me and in the minds of my family and friends. I am becoming more aware of the messages, “cookies”, being implanted in my mind by music pumped through the speakers in a store, a garage or even a passing car. Television is almost completely obsessed with mind control and manipulation and is very fast and efficient at inserting thousands of viruses an hour. The news infects us with a spirit of anger, rage, indignation and apathy. It puts an obvious “spin” on any information passing through it but gives the receivers the illusion that they are relying on unbiased sources. Or we may believe that we can ignore the obvious bias or counteract it by listening to another source with an apparent opposite bias.

As I am becoming slowly more aware and capable of listening to my own heart, I am starting to realize how quickly it is affected by some of these influences. Having a great deal of religious knowledge does nothing to preclude the destructive effects on my heart from the bombardment of the media all around me. My only choice seems to be to lessen my exposure to these contacts which sometimes creates animosity in those close to me. This taps back into the issue of fear and rejection and identity.

Fear is the most effective enemy that blocks us from living from our heart. That is why the God who primarily wants to connect with our heart always has to remind us to disarm this block before He can effectively communicate with us. Fear is anti-love. Fear is the primary attribute of the counterfeit system Satan has imposed on us. Fear withers our defenses and our ability to think and reason and relate. Fear is like a dictator that sucks the life out of us and those around us.

I woke up this morning about 4 AM with another fearful dream. I realized right away that it was an implant from my exposure to some TV shows I was exposed to just a few hours previous. As I had observed the show glorifying some celebrities-turned-police freely abusing people and worshiping the god of force, the life-long virus in my heart flared up in response with anger and rebellion. I recognized the familiar symptom and as I thought about it in bed this morning I asked God to address this deep fault in my heart.

I realized long ago that rebellion is not removed by censure and condemnation. In fact, that's usually how it is implanted in the first place along with force, abuse and shame. I also realized that intense and deep-rooted fear is the glue that holds these lies in my soul. It helps to understand this, but the only means of deliverance is to focus my attention with great intensity and deliberate choice on the presence and nature of God Himself.

As I focused on the truth about God, telling Him and thanking Him for the various liberating attributes of His character like His goodness, fairness, everlasting loving-kindness, His power and desire to free me from anything that makes me afraid, I found myself returning to peace that passes all understanding. At first I felt an impulse to jump up and write down what I was experiencing, but then I realized that sometimes that becomes an escape from staying in my heart and receiving more from the Lover of my soul. There are times when I need to stay fully in my heart without a lot of analyzation of how and why this is happening. There is time for that later. My left brain needs to loosen up control sometimes and allow my heart to connect and worship and marinate in the love of God for me personally.

Even during the times when I am writing or trying to express what I am learning and experiencing, I am trying to learn more to stay connected and aware of the condition of my heart. There are many times when my heart is trying to tell me something and my head is too busy running ahead or expostulating to listen and receive warning of a problem. My heart is the primary receiver for messages from God. It is no wonder that Satan is launching such a massive attack to damage and distort my heart. What better way to destroy the plans of God for humanity than to infiltrate and disable the receiving equipment and fill it with viruses so it cannot respond to love.

I decided to launch a bit of a counter-offensive of my own. Yesterday I went ahead and signed up to attend a Marriage Covenant Weekend in Missouri next month. I have learned enough about the underlying principles that will be taught there to know that it can very well be a life-changing event for us. I also trust the people who will be leading out and believe that God is using them to bring life, hope and increasing truth into thousands of lives. I am looking forward to experiencing deep heart-worship of my awesome God together with others who are growing in grace and truth. I am hungry, very hungry for deeper bonding with other believers. I am in great need of the power that can come with full commitment and much deeper bonding in my marriage relationship.

When I first received the teaching about covenants and how they apply in marriage about a year or two ago I realized that my heart, or at least some part of my mind, was not quite ready to release some things in this area. But since that time a number of events have transpired in my experience to where I believe I am ready to be led to enter in to whatever this means for me. I am starting now to pray for God to prepare both of us in every respect so that we can receive the most of what He has in store for us.

Loving God, my Creator, Redeemer and awesome Lover, you are always faithful and unfailing in your love and commitment to us. Your mercies are new every morning and I immerse myself in them right now. Your word says that if I confess my sins that you are faithful and just to forgive all of them and cleanse me from all unrighteousness. I am starting to see that that means cleansing me from all the viruses, cookies and land-mines that are buried inside of me. These are the roots that allow the false gods to operate inside me and ruin my life with self-defeating behaviors and ideas. Your promise to me in Ezekiel 36 also says you are committed to removing all the idols and the related filth they produce in me. You are doing this for your reputation, not for mine.

This is an incredible arrangement you have for me. I accept it and ask you and give you full permission to incarnate yourself inside my heart and take full possession of all my affections and desires. You created me for your pleasure and to find my fullest joy in intimate relationship with you. Continue this process in me to its full conclusion, for I am not capable of being faithful of myself. Thank-you for your faith in me. Thank-you for your love for and in me. Transform me into the new man that you promised in your prophetic word for me in 1 Samuel 10:6,7. Let me become the loving king that you had planned for Saul to become. Keep me from the fear and independence that caused him to miss experiencing your plans for his life. Fill me with you peace, your constant presence and with boldness to openly share the truth about you without shame or fear.

Father, use this web site to honor your reputation and increase your power and presence in other hearts and live. Let me not draw honor to me but to be honest about what you are doing inside of me. Make me a more open, clear channel so your love and glory can more quickly fill the whole earth.