Back to Music

We had a very enjoyable evening today that went better than I expected. Both my wife and I sang with the Coles County Barbershoppers for a Lenten concert in a nearby town. This was not only the first time I have sung with them for any kind of program or performance since I joined but even more interesting it is the first time ever for my wife to sing with a choir at all. The reason I was a bit nervous about how it might turn out was because I missed the last three weeks of practice because I was out of town doing some work on my sister's house in Virginia and realized that I was not very good at trying to learn a part by just staring at the papers and trying to learn a part all alone. So I gave up and just hoped for the best when I returned.

To add to the pressure I was also scheduled to sing one verse of a song with a quartet in the middle of the group song and I definitely needed to have that memorized. We had a little time before the program to practice and fortunately I was able to handle it pretty well. For the rest of the concert I just made sure I did not sing too loud or too confidently so that I wouldn't find myself singing when everyone else might be quiet suddenly. Basically I winged it through the whole concert and was surprised even myself and how much I remembered from previous practices. When I wasn't sure what to sing I would either sing quite softly and listen carefully to what the others around me were doing or would just move my mouth for awhile until I knew where I was again. Better than not participating at all.

They brought all the finery and get-up for me to wear and I would have felt rather conspicuous if it hadn't been that everyone else was wearing the same thing. For this concert they included a good number of women to sing with us for a few songs at the end of the concert. It all went very well and we had a very nice time together.

As we stood in the hallway with about 50-60 other participants greeting the people as they left I remembered that the last time I was at this church was last Christmas season when I first met this group. We attended their Christmas concert that a coworker of my wife told her about and were delighted with the music. Since I have been part of a quartet many years ago and have collected a good bit of music for that purpose this was a real treat. After that concert I inquired about joining the group and they eagerly told me to show up at a practice and they would be very glad to try me out. Now I found myself just a few months later singing with them in that same church and being the greeter instead of the greeted.

I have always enjoyed good quartet music and I hope to sing with this group for some time to come. In addition I hope that maybe I could be included in a quartet from this group at times and maybe introduce them to some of the music that I have. Whatever happens I am just glad to be refreshed by being able to be involved once again musically with others. There has been very little music in my life over the past few years and I have really missed it. I enjoy being involved in various ways with good worship music, quartet music, instrumental music and other opportunities to make music with others. This is one way to not only satisfy my hunger for music but to also make more friend in the community. We know very few people around here and I hope that this will open opportunities to get to widen our sphere of friends in this area.

Disappointing Discovery

Well, my dying hope has now gone even further and turned into a deeper sense of sadness. Today I decided to check around on the internet and see what other information I could find about the 12 Tribes communities. I realized that not everything I would find would necessarily be correct or unbiased and I viewed much of what I found with a healthy skepticism, but at the same time I found a great deal of credible information which confirmed what I had already come to suspect. Some of what I read of course was tinged with an agenda and was skewed to deliberately make them look bad. But I also found some sources of legitimate information from former members that gave me a much clearer picture of life inside the communities.

But what made me the most sad was when I came across some records of inside discussions among the top leaders of the organization about one of the midwives that delivered our own baby many years ago who later died of cancer. The things they said about her and her husband made me literally sick to my stomach. The top leader who maintains an absolute and unquestioned control over the minds and wills of every person in all the communities made it very clear to his top people that he believed her death was a direct punishment of God against her for daring to say a few words that aroused questions about his own leadership.

Because she had entertained thoughts of leaving the communities a couple of times and had at one time mentioned to her daughter that the top man had an anger problem, he emphatically insisted that her cancer was brought upon herself and that the Holy Spirit prevented the elders from praying over her in faith for her healing. Basically he demanded that everyone who had survived her had to believe that it was not only her sin that had brought on her death but also the sins of those around her and her husband who had not been strong enough in rebuking her spirit of rebellion.

The spirit of this man as evidenced by many of the things I read about him from various sources is apparently quite self-serving and exploitive of those who come under his domination. He demands unquestioned obedience from all of his followers and stands in the place of God in the lives of all of the members of the communities. While many of the lower echelon people are required to live a life like slaves getting by on almost nothing and working long hard hours, the leader moves around secretly living in luxury homes and lavishing favors on the upper leaders. Anyone daring to every question anything he says or decides is met with stern discipline or immediate excommunication if he deems them a threat to his absolute authority.

Evidently our midwife friend dared to think slightly outside the box and attempted to think for herself a few times and for this she was labeled as something of a heretic who came under the judgment of a severe God very much like the leader of the 12 Tribes himself. This makes me very sick to think of all these people under the total mind control of such a diabolical, deceptive, power-hungry man. He is evidently using this whole network of blind believers to support his growing empire and attract even more hungry souls into his spell. How very opposite of the real truth about the God of heaven.

Learning all of these things has put me back into the cloud of dark emotions for awhile and I once again need a fresh infusion of truth, grace and the sweet presence of Jesus. What I desire is the Jesus that this man has labeled a demonic spirit. They declare in the writings and teachings of their leader (the only teachings allowed to be used throughout their whole network of communities) that Christianity is all full of demonic influences so much so that none of their members are ever allowed to even enter a Christian church on a worship day. According to reports from former members their children are severely disciplined on a very regular basis and all outside information is completely cutoff so that the mind-control enforced by the inside leadership can be more effective.

I did not realize that the insiders of this group felt this way about this midwife. Now I wonder what was really going on in the minds of the people I have talked to about her. I met two of her sons last weekend but had no idea that this kind of judgment hung over their lives from the opinion of the leadership about their mother. I am really hoping I can get in touch with two of her children who are not part of the communities so that I can find out more about the real story.

We have very fond memories of our brief encounter with this lady and I am quite sure that she was a victim of the severe repression and was trying to look out for her children with a mother's heart that is natural and God-given. When this natural affection crossed the self-serving dictatorial grip of the leader in charge she was severely censored and judged even as she was losing her life to cancer without any medical treatment. What a tragedy.

I am sure that if the things I have written about them find their way into the hands of people in these communities then I may well be added to their black list of people not welcome anymore. I would hope that is not going to happen but according to the dictates of their rules that I read that is all that I could expect. They believe that anyone who says anything at all negative about them is persecuting them and is to be cut off from all contact with anyone in the communities. They do not tolerate any openness or dissension of any kind to spoil the complete domination of their leader over the consciences of the members. About the best I can hope for I suppose is that they will not read this post and add me to their black list.

I still enjoy the positive externals that I enjoyed in their worship services though it is seriously diluted by the knowledge of what is going on behind the scenes in the lives of those involved. This knowledge makes me even more hungry for God to bring about the real deal under the guidance and compulsion of His true Spirit of love and selflessness. The empty counterfeits only leave me feeling a more intense desire for the genuine. I hope it comes soon. Maranatha, even so come Lord Jesus.

The Subtle Deception of Force

After a full week since I first arrived for a weekend visit at the 12 Tribes community I am starting to get a much better grasp of my feelings experienced since then. I realize that what I have been going through is a grieving process required to disconnect or let go of a hope that has died. To lose something that promised so much is like losing a very good friend and that always produces grief. But if the grief is embraced and processed and accepted then a new hope can take its place which will always be much better than the first. I feel that I am finally reaching closure for this week of uneasiness.

The only real foundation of hope is the God of all hope. I turn to Him to receive a better hope that will not disappoint my heart. I realize that as I let my own hopes and dreams die it makes room in my heart for much better hopes and dreams to take their place. I do not know the details of this new hope but I know that this new hope when realized will be far more pure and powerful and fulfilling than any imitation that tries to approximate it because it comes from the One who designed my heart and knows how to really satisfy its needs and desires.

What has become more and more clear to me throughout this week as I have repeatedly mulled over my experience and analyzed it from many angles is that one of the key elements in the apparent success that I saw last weekend is the indulgence in the employment of coercion of conscience. I believe that it does not matter how much force is employed or how subtle or blatant it may be, that the resorting to force, intimidation, threat, fear or anything else along those lines that interferes with a person's soul and conscience connection directly with God is a violation of the most foundational principle of God's true kingdom – freedom.

Just because all religions employ this method to some degree or another does not in the least justify it or make it right. Just because it produces what appears to be fruits of righteousness also does not justify it or make it Godly. Just because it has been used so successfully for thousands of years and is deeply entrenched in our belief systems, child-raising techniques and religious domination over others does not make it any more legitimate. Just because it produces unity and apparent harmony within a fellowship of believers also does not justify it or make it righteous. Force in the area of conscience is always dangerous and diabolical not only because it violates the freedom of will that God values so intensely but because it is so deceptive in making us think that because it produces results we are looking for that it makes us think it must be of God.

The “results” that force and fear produce can be very tangible, very quick and very effective, but it will always be at odds with the true spirit of the Kingdom of Jesus. Fear is one of the most basic foundation stones of Satan's counterfeit system and anything that points toward fear as our ultimate motivation for righteous living is infected with the spirit of the enemy of God. No matter how religious or spiritual or positive or powerful it may appear to be on the surface, if a belief system or an outside person or group dares to enter into the sacred arena of the intimacy of the heart directly with God and tries to meddle with the control system of the soul, then it is no different than an intruder violating the sacred intimacy of a married couple in their sexual privacy.

Marriage is a symbol and practice area of life given to us by God to illustrate for us and teach us about the much deeper intimacy that He desires to have with each one of us. As our ideas of marriage have become more muddled and confused and we lose the concept of covenant that it was built on, we also lose sight of the immense importance and exclusivity of the relation of the soul to its Creator. Just like society is experimenting with all sorts of alternatives to the original design of marriage, religion is experimenting with all sorts of variations of heart-bonding that drift farther and farther from Gods plan for us. And the farther we get from what we are designed for the more dissatisfied we become and the more restless we feel. There is only one object of affection that can ever possibly perfectly fit the emptiness of our hearts and every imitation will only leave us ultimately frustrated in the end.

Those who acknowledge more quickly the failure of a counterfeit to satisfy the soul and turn to their Designer to seek a more perfect solution/relationship will be found to be in the process sometimes referred to as “sanctification”. It may not be apparent to others and that person may even not appear to be religious at all by the world's standards, but if they are responding to the unrest in their soul by continually seeking a better solution closer to their source of creation then I believe they will be led by the Spirit of truth sent by Jesus to guide them ultimately to Himself and their true Father in Heaven.

What makes me very sad about my recent experience is that what I see taking place in the live of these people perfectly parallels what is also taking place in our country politically. We as a people have bought into the faulty formula of thinking that security can be purchased with the loss of freedom, that somehow if we are willing to relinquish personal freedoms one by one that in exchange we will be given more safety and peace and protection. But this formula is another basic tenet and lie of the enemy of our souls and is ultimately a trap into which we will be enslaved. But we will not realize this until it is too late to escape.

It is impossible to purchase security by relinquishing freedom. It is an illusion of the highest order but it seems very attractive and convincing on the surface. But at its core it is a terrible lie and we are selling our very souls along with the blood of millions who have given their lives to secure our freedoms since the beginnings of this country. By selling the very thing that our forefathers died to purchase for us, we have sold the very soul of our country and the lamb has been morphed into a dragon.

This has been demonstrated repeatedly throughout history in the story of nation after nation, but we have cast off wisdom and knowledge in favor of pleasure and ease. We have blinded our minds to the lessons of the past, distorted and rewrote history to fit our desired beliefs and goals and will live to suffer the tragic consequences of living out the lie yet again. By suppressing the knowledge of the past experiments with this formula we are doomed to repeat the results, but this time because of the interconnectedness of the whole world it will be in proportions far greater than ever before seen in history. Hitler used this very same path quite successfully but we only view his experiment from this side of the story. If we realized the mindset of the people in his country before all the tragedies came to the light and learned about the incremental steps toward tyranny subtly encouraged throughout the early days of his most promising career we would be shaken to the core with horror at the striking similarity to what we are doing as a country today.

The common denominator in all of these experiments gone bad is the belief that unity and success necessarily requires the increasing sacrifice of freedom for the sake of the good of all. Hitler was extremely popular in the early days, not only within Germany but throughout the world. Even America viewed him in mostly a positive light because he appeared to be restoring hope and health to a debilitated and discouraged people. He was producing wonderful progress and was achieving great accomplishments that were very promising for prosperity and peace. He initiated the building of great highways, started a very successful automobile company, set up manufacturing, created thousands of jobs and stimulated a wonderful revival in the economy. In short he produced all the results that our politicians clamor for in our own country today.

But he accomplished most of these achievements at the price of incremental sacrifices of freedom. And the same is taking place right before our eyes today while we blindly stumble deeper into the trap. We have once again bought into the alluring fantasy that security and prosperity are more valuable than freedom. In fact, we mistakenly believe that once we achieve security – which is a total illusion – that we will be able to restore our freedoms. But once sold into slavery and tyranny the bodies and souls of people are no longer able to return to what they gave away. Tyranny is never satisfied and will never release its desperate grip on those under its control. But it does remain very camouflaged until its iron fist is firmly in control and domination and then its true colors began to be revealed.

This is the doom of our country and I am afraid it is already too late to reverse the accelerating slide down the slippery slope to slavery. We have bought into the lies as a public and we are doomed to reap the whirlwind.

But what is sad is when we follow the same path in the name of religion and paint God with the same colors of deception and control. To establish “unity” we believe that it can only be achieved at the price of freedom. Oh, we don't dare state it in so many words. We loudly proclaim that we are still free, but we simply reinterpret what the word free really means. I heard this reinterpretation during my discussions with those last weekend explaining to me their beliefs and I heard it again from a pastor of my own church a few days later. We define freedom as the ability to chose whether you will submit to our control of your conscience or whether you will leave our group/church. But clearly implied in that statement is that if you choose to remain that you must give up your freedom for the unity of the group.

That, my friends, is not the kind of freedom that Jesus died to secure for the universe. That is not the freedom that the forefathers of our country died to secure for their posterity. That is the counterfeit freedom that was offered to Germans before it became clear what the end results of Nazism would produce. It is the tragic and similar philosophy that produced the results that have been experienced repeatedly throughout history after similar attempts to form unification in all sorts of ways. It is the consistent result of adopting the faulty formula invented by the father of lies that appears so appealing that it is believed to be of God.

Freedom of personal conscience and accountability to God is at the core of the whole Great Controversy of the universe. If we fail to respect anyones freedom and accountability directly to God and attempt to insinuate ourselves into that most sacred place of the heart and soul, we are considered by God to be adulterers and rapists. It matters not how spiritual and religious and positive the outcome of these experiments may be, we have violated the sacred place that is reserved for only God and that soul in intimate communion and love. Every such violation contaminates the soul's image of God and inhibits their ability to respond to His love and the drawing of their heart towards His heart. This is considered in the heavenly realms to be a crime of the highest order of treason. God forgive us!

Tragically all of us have been caught up in this kind of thinking to some extent or another because it is inherent in the very presence of sin itself. But God's plan and desire is to remove from our minds this kind of faulty reasoning and restore the perfect image of His true character into all who are willing to be restored to their original design and function. That is what is meant by the word “salvation”. That is what I desire to experience and I pray that God will continue to reveal and guide me toward the more pure exposition of His perfect ways.

God's ways never resort to force and never values “obedience” that is motivated by fear. Fear, shame and blame along with force and deception are the ingredients of the counterfeit system introduced into this world at the fall in Eden. God's plan is to cleanse us of all these things that heaven considers to be unrighteousness. If any of our hopes and plans include the employment of any of these ingredients then they will have to be dashed to pieces and replaced with hopes that are intensely exclusive of any of the counterfeit ingredients that poison the soul and perpetuate the great lie.

It matters not what label is found on the surface of a group or a religion, what denomination it is or how insistent their claims of the divine approval of God; if they value the importance of their organization above protecting the sacred freedom of the conscience before God in a personal pursuit of real truth, then that group is destined to failure in the sight of heaven. This is impossible to believe by those who have invested more of their hope in their organization than they have directly in God, but it is true nevertheless.

As I have processed the natural grief of the loss of my hope that I would see genuine joy and community based on united hearts intimately connected with heaven individually, I turn to trusting that God is somehow going to produce what my heart is really yearning for but that I have never yet seen or experienced. I will not settle for a lesser imitation when my heart was designed for the real deal. And while I appreciate the many positive things that I can learn from what I observed and experienced and that I value, maybe the greatest and most valuable benefit that I have received from this experience is the intensified awareness of my own hunger for true community that will only happen under the unifying influence of the Spirit of Truth and Freedom. Where is Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom – always. Whenever it is believed that freedom of soul must be sacrificed to some extent for achievement of unity, to that extent I realize that there is still a lack of the genuine Spirit of God. For God will never, ever violate the freedom of the creatures He created to love Him freely.

Love apart from freedom loses its very identity as real love and becomes morphed into something far inferior. God will never settle for anything less than absolute freedom, unforced, spontaneous love and complete loyalty based on appreciation for His true character of love and respect for every one of us. When we come closer to relating to each other like He really relates to all of us in this way we will begin to experience the genuine bonding of heart-based community the way we were designed to live and thrive. We will become intensely aware of our value in God's eyes and will cherish the value and freedoms of all around us.

By contrast the counterfeit systems will become exposed for the cheap imitations that they are. Because the true is not yet revealed the counterfeits still look very convincing, but once the true glory of God fills the whole earth the counterfeits will all be exposed as naked and incompetent and inferior. At that point the rage of man will know no bounds and the polarization between the true and the false will become complete and permanent. Both sides of the controversy will become perfect in their beliefs and will act out the natural results of the beliefs that they have chosen; those who indulge in force will become perpetrators and victims of force and those who believe in pure love will become cleansed and purified in that love. They will then be no other options. The controversy will be ready to be wrapped up forever and God will be able to share His heart of infinite love for eternity with those who have chosen to believe in the superiority of love over force and fear.

God, you have been showing me that most, if not all of my problems stem from a continued faulty view of who You really are. To the extent that my heart believes that You use force and intimidation to induce me to love You, to that same extent I experience pain and confusion and dysfunctional relationships with others. Please help me to perceive Your face and Your true character more clearly. Show me Your face and Your glory for Your name's sake and for my heart's sake.

Forced Righteousness

As I was trying to stir up enough energy to get out of bed an hour after I woke up, I continued to mull over my uneasy feelings left over from last weekend. Somehow it still seems so confusing to my heart. I really am trying to be very careful not to judge this group but at the same time the spirit that I sensed was – well, a mixture that really bothers me at my deepest level. They have more joy in worship than I have ever seen but at the same time I felt the behind-the-scenes spirit of control that I am all too familiar with. I am still struggling and praying to know what to do about this in my own thinking and asking God what I am supposed to learn.

As I pondered this for some time I kept praying to see God's face, to have His light dispel the sense of darkness that I still feel after several days.* What is so strange is that it seems like I should not be feeling darkness after seeing such “success” in worship but I cannot deny that my feelings are also resonating with much of my own past experiences. It has reawakened the spirit of fear so familiar in my heart and in a way I am glad it did, because now it is coming out more in the open where God can deal with it and remove it.

As I continued to ponder and pray, for some reason my mind went to wondering about something that seemed at first completely irrelevant. I pondered why it is still so easy for me to lust after pretty women at certain times. Not that it is an overwhelming urge or something that dominates my feelings, but I have long since decided that simply to suppress this and try to ignore it is totally the wrong approach to becoming completely free. I know it is rooted in some kind of very deep lies about how to receive life embedded in my heart that need to be healed, and lust is only the outward symptom revealing that I have not yet been fully healed. But suddenly a realization struck me like lightening and I knew it was straight from the Holy Spirit.

One of the strongest elements in a person's lust for women is the mistaken notion that they can somehow force the woman to love them in some way, to satisfy their deepest cravings for receiving affection. I know that it may not appear on the surface to be that way, but when we get closer to the core feelings that drive these urges it really has very little to do with sex – that is only the means toward an end – but is has a great deal to do with needing to be cherished, to be valued, to feel wanted, appreciated and to feel honored by someone.

Of course, none of that ever flows from all the sexual perversion that results from lust. But logic is not the strong point of lies, these false gods just promise to provide instant pleasure and they refuse to look past that to any long-term consequences. That is the general nature of sin, it substitutes immediate pleasure for long-term satisfaction. But in doing so it leaves one with the very opposite of what their heart really longs for. But why is it still so strong?

The insight that struck me so forcefully was that inherent in the idea of trying to force someone to love me which is what lust always suggests, I am simply acting out the beliefs about God instilled in me since early childhood. I, like millions of other people, have been immersed in the crazy notions and teachings about God that make Him out to be a two-faced, authoritarian parent who on the one hand demands full attention, obedience and love and on the other hand waits with threats and intimidations and harsh punishments for any who fail to produce these things sufficiently. This belief or shades of it have been at the core of most of the motives behind all of the religious teachings and practices that try to use the “carrot and stick” approach to producing “righteousness”. It lies at the base of most all of the self-supporting institutions that I have been in or observed and is the same formula that I saw this last weekend where it has been refined and honed to a well-refined system producing excellent results of outward goodness.

This diabolical lie about God's character is behind the belief that we must use at least a little force to supplement love if we are to produce Christian character in the lives of those around us or under our authority. But when I believe that God uses threats of arbitrary pain or death to get me to love Him it is really no different than the fanciful imaginings of lust to violate a woman sexually in a mistaken subconscious attempt to force her to make me feel better or to give me the love that my heart craves. This horrible belief about God is why Revelation portrays the woman representing false religion as a whore who forces all nations to drink of the wine of her passion.

Counterfeit religion – which is pretty much all religion that I have seen – mixes a certain percentage of fear, intimidation and force (depending on which one you examine) with positive incentives and love to try to come up with just the right formula that will produce the fruit of righteousness. But this notion of religion is just the same as all the myriads of ways seen in the world today where people are trying to allure or force others into engaging in various forms of illicit relationships or sexual activities to satisfy their longings for affection and fulfillment. We have all at least tasted of this wine in some form or another and are in various degrees intoxicated and confused.

I have been learning and sharing for some time now my growing belief that God never employs force and fear to produce righteousness and create loving relationships. Forced righteousness is really an oxymoron. That truth is explicitly taught by the prophet revered by many in my church who have ignored this truth and instead used her writings to prove and justify the exact opposite spirit and practices in their teachings and control over others. Sadly I know that first hand. But far beyond that, with careful and thoughtful study this same truth about God can be seen throughout the Bible if one is willing to take a fresh look and lay aside the preconceived lies about God that contaminate much of our thinking and beliefs. If one is willing and longing to know the truth, Jesus has promised to reveal it to them. But if we are more interested in justifying our own ideas about God or defend our own practices, then it is quite easy to assemble texts and quotations that apparently provide compelling proof of what we want to believe. But in the end it will be found that we are really attempting to create or reshape God into our own image – a very high-risk proposition I would think.

After realizing the stupendous importance of this connection in my heart this morning I felt frustrated and lost as to what to do about it. Just knowing a fact, no matter how enlightening it may be, still does not set my heart and mind free. It must somehow be embedded deep into the place in my heart where the counterfeit lie resides and replace that lie with the light of truth. That cannot take place only at the intellectual level or it will not become a part of my real character. But it is also true that I cannot do that job by myself. I cannot implant truth into the sacred depths of my heart that is so full of fear, pain and lies about God. Only God can access many of those places that have been sealed off for many years from my awareness.

So I asked Him what I should do about this revelation and I waited to hear the response. What I heard was that this was a seed of truth and I do not need to worry about harvesting the fruit of that seed immediately. If I am willing to accept the seed and allow it to be planted in my heart then it will grow and deepen its roots and I will recognize that growth as it becomes more evident. That brought me a sense of peace and I knew that God is in charge of this process. I asked Him to be sure to water this seed with His Spirit as promised in Ezekiel 36:25-32.

I am starting to see how this lie about God permeates so many other areas of belief in my heart and in many others. The notion that force is a legitimate means to produce love under any circumstance is utterly ludicrous and yet is believed almost across the board as revealed in the way we act and treat each other. What brought this sharply to light was something I read just yesterday about people during World War II.

Samuel and Pearl Oliner decided to find out what it was that enabled certain people to be able to stand up and resist the overwhelming pressure to comply with the German state in their increasing campaign to suppress and dehumanize the Jews. What was it that made people willing to stick their necks out and defy the increasingly powerful Nazi regime? So they launched a study to find out what the common denominator was between these various people who were willing to risk everything they had and even their lives to rescue and assist the Jews.

What they found was very surprising and shocked me when I read it. “The Oliners discovered that those courageous people all had something major in common: their parents had not physically punished them. Instead of spanking, their parents talked things out with them, encouraging them to think for themselves.

“Rescuers' parents 'reasoned rather than threatened,' Eva Fogelman wrote in Conscience and Courage: Rescuers of Jews During the Holocaust. Instead of motivating their kids by fear of punishment, they taught them to think things through and to do the right thing because it was the right thing.

“Social psychologist Martin Hoffman has extensively studied what makes people compassionate. Hoffman found that 'parents who explained rules and used inductive reasoning instead of harsh punishment tend to have children who care for and about others. After all, parents who voluntarily relinquish the use of force in favor of reasoning send their children a message about how the powerful should treat the weak.'” (God Space p. 81)

As one of those raised under the illusion that force and fear were necessary elements to turn me into a loving Christian, I became mentally hard-wired in my thinking along these lines. When I read this statement I felt waves of despair. If this is all I have ever known and even practiced on my own children, then what hope do I have of standing out and being different like those studied above when the pressure is on in life? My only hope of transformation is a radical miracle of God to change the deepest beliefs and instincts of my heart to something completely different than what is right now very familiar to me. My only hope is to trust in the grace of God to do what He claims He can do. I need a new heart, and renewed mind and much more joy capacity.

*(someone told me later today that it is usually on the third day that an emotional experience usually comes to a head)

God, again I see that You have a lot of work to do in my life. But I am the one caught by surprise here, not You. You have just been waiting for me to acknowledge and agree with what You have known all along. Please do Your work in me and accomplish Your desires in my life. Reproduce Your character and loveliness in me. Make me an example of the unbelievable and total transformation that only You can produce in a life so messed up and distorted. I think most of the time I don't even know what real love is and yet I know I desperately want it. You are the only Source that can supply and satisfy my hungry heart and I look to You for more. Show me Your face, please. Let me reflect Your totally selfless love in some way today. Use me to be a channel of grace and the truth about You to others. Thank-you for what You are showing me and for growing me. You are wonderful, You are good, and Your kindness leads me to repentance. I love You as much as my puny capacity can. Increase my love for both You and Your children.

Concluding Reservations part 2

This is a continuation from part 1 posted previously.

So what am I to do now? What am I to learn and how am I to relate, not only with these people but in my interpretation of what I have observed when I talk with others about it? I do not want to be self-righteous in any way or feel superior because I can see their short-comings in theology. I very much want to have the Spirit of Jesus in how I view these people and I want to acknowledge the work that appears to be from God producing whatever fruits are legitimate in their lives. I don't believe I have the discernment to sort through which fruit is from God and which is from subtle legalism which does bother me to some extent. And part of that is because I still have not finished by own maturing process that would give me the required ability for really wise discernment. I can only depend on the promptings of the Holy Spirit who is able to differentiate between the bones and the marrow.

But what I need myself most of all is a fresh infusion of life and intimacy with Jesus in my own soul and spirit. I feel that living this close to people who demonstrate compelling “Christianity” whom I should not condemn but with whom I cannot fully agree has somehow left me a little confused and feeling empty. It has stirred up old feelings of fear, guilt-motivation and intimidation so familiar to me from institutions that I have lived in in the past. I now need a deeper reassurance of the truths that God has been bringing to my attention at much deeper levels in my own heart. What I really want is the genuine experience that is only approximated by the wonderful results I am seeing in this community. I really believe that when the real deal shows up, that as effective and compelling as these people's lives are, the truth and glory that will fill the whole earth foretold in Revelation 18 will make this look like infant babbling. This is a start in the right direction in some respects but there is far more power if it was carried out in the pure atmosphere of complete doctrinal truth but free from all fear or force.

Something I noticed last night in their answers to my questions was the fact that they believe the sharing of all things practiced by the early church was a requirement imposed by the apostles. That confirmed my earlier instincts that these communities are employing elements not found in the true model because they believe it is not possible to accomplish without the use of some degree of control. It is the ingredient of control that warns me that this is not yet the genuine. That is one of the truths that has been coming much more clear to me over the past few months and is one of the tests that my heart applies to any model or church or person to see if it is valid and of God or has the diluting ingredients mixed in that will weaken it in some way. Anytime I detect fear and control being subscribed to as legitimate means of accomplishing the work of God my heart goes into high alert and warns me that all is not right here. God has a much better plan and I need to keep searching while learning whatever can be gleaned from the present.

When I asked about a person's freedom to see things differently in the Bible than what the church passes down I was told that everyone always has perfect freedom. But they went on to explain that freedom means they are free to either submit to the collective body and beliefs of the church or they are free to disagree and take their life back into their own hands and away from Jesus. What is becoming clear is that, like the Catholic church, they believe the authority of the church preempts the personal relationship and conscience of the individual in spiritual matters.

Sadly, it looks like overall to me that they are actually attempting to put together some of the very same formulas for religion that have already been used by the very groups that they claim have failed God in the past and that they believe are replaced by their “nation”. They believe that they must develop holiness in their lives to a point that will allow the Messiah to return and set up His reign on earth. This is exactly the beliefs of the Jews in the time of Christ and is precisely why they rejected Jesus when He appeared as the Son of God. Jesus did not fit their criteria for religion and did not have the same agenda for power-sharing as they had. Nor did He share their interpretations of the religious words like “holiness”, “righteousness” or what it means to keep the law of God. This is the great burden of much of Paul's writings as he tried to expose the impossibility of achieving our own righteousness instead of trusting fully in God's righteousness.

The second formula they are trying to use has already been refined and practiced for hundreds of years by the Catholic church and many other Protestant churches, again without real success in pleasing God. They apparently believe that the only way to keep people together in unity and fellowship is to carefully restrict and control the minds and hearts of every member of the body from the head of the church. They only allow the leadership to think “outside the box” or to search for truth and seem to believe that anyone else in the organization cannot be allowed to listen directly to the leading of the Holy Spirit. They are afraid that to trust God to coordinate and facilitate the unity of His body will result in fracturing and disharmony and would undermine all that they have spent years to build up.

This is just the same kind of thinking that underlies the doctrine of the Catholic church that only the Pope is qualified to correctly interpret Scriptures and his views must be considered as priority above anyone else's ideas or teachings. This was refined and enforced so strongly during the dark ages that most people were not even allowed to touch or read the Bible for themselves on pain of death. But controlling and restricting access to the Spirit of God and the Throne of Grace is a tragic violation of the individual freedom that God demands as the right of every person He created and for anyone to violate that freedom and take away those rights is a crime against heaven itself.

I believe that it is only when people are so filled with a real revelation of the love of God for them personally that they will spontaneously devote all of their inferior possessions and relationships in love. Then will be seen the real demonstration of the true body of Christ. I believe that when the Holy Spirit is trusted to draw all men to the same Jesus and the same picture of God, when Jesus and an intimate connection with Him becomes the centerpiece instead of doctrines filtered through men before being passed on to others, then we will see the real thing, the real demonstration of purity, love and power the way Jesus revealed it in His life here on earth. We will see what real servant leadership looks like in place of control over others. We will see love and affection for one another and for our enemies that is totally spontaneous and unstoppable. We will see the real glory of God in the revelation of His character of humility, compassion and self-forgetful service flowing from hearts burning with the same passion that drives all of the heavenly hosts and emanates from the throne of God. There will be no need for restrictions and control to produce true righteousness, it will flow from hearts filled with the same Holy Fire that has burned away all selfishness and fear. There will be no desire to rule over others and rise to a dominate place of power for it will be understood that real power in the kingdom of Heaven is only found in totally humble, selfless service and unconditional love for everyone within our sphere.

While the doctrines should not be used as the attracting feature to draw people to Christ, the doctrines do become the underlying driving and determining factors in what the results will look like as worked out in the life. One reason all the churches are so powerless in my opinion is because of the mixed ideas about God still clung to in their doctrines or implied in some of their teachings. And the reason the 12 Tribes are not producing even more compelling attractiveness for God is because of the same problem, though from different doctrines in some cases.

What I am holding out for is a much deeper heart transformation than what is happening within this religion. Because they employ the use of apparently a heavy hierarchy in their model of governance and base their authority on a mixture of Scriptures and men's desire for control, the results they are producing while on the surface very good are inferior to what God really wants to accomplish. I do not believe that selfless giving can ever be a legitimate requirement externally imposed, it must be a natural fruit of a total rearrangement of priorities and values due to a very personal and intimate connection with the heart of God directly by each individual involved.

When men try to use alternative means of producing the symptoms described in the Acts believers than what really motivated those believers, they may be able to produce very good-looking results but it will always be far short of the deeper results of genuine heart-work from exposure to the real truth about God. God's glory is far greater than the imagined glory in the minds of the people in this church or any other other church I know of. These people believe that their glory will be found in ruling over others in God's kingdom. They believe that it is their job to put all of God's enemies under His footstool before Jesus can return. But they are trying to do things that God has never asked men to do. They are insisting that grace is given in response to obedience instead of in order to obey. This comes from typical misinterpretations of religious words prevalent throughout Christianity. Until we get a better grasp on the real meaning of the words we extract from the Bible we will continue to come up with external, man-produced ideas of what God's plans really are.