Living in Front or Back

Something I heard Jim Wilder say a few days ago in his series called Joy Bonds has ignited a lot of questions in my mind as I have pondered it and thought about the enormous implications of it in my own life. To properly understand it one must allow themselves to become familiar with the context in which he said it and how the brain develops and operates. If this is not appreciated properly then to just hear his statement out of context might sound like something bizarre or even like heresy.

Much of what Wilder teaches revolves around the immense importance of developing the right orbital pre-frontal cortex of the brain or what he often refers to as the “joy center” or the “banana”. This part of the brain grows mainly in response to being stimulated from the outside by being around people who genuinely desire to be with that person, who are glad to be with them, who consider them to be the sparkle of their eye. When face to face communication of this feeling is experienced then this part of the brain can grow and increase in size and deep bonding takes place. The amazing thing is that this can happen at any age. Unlike most of the other parts of the brain, this part maintains fetal tissue that always has potential to produce new growth under conducive circumstances. But there are periods of time in a person's life when growth is much more likely to accelerate.

As he explained the difference between this part of the brain and the back of the brain where things operate very differently, the implications began to take on ominous significance. The front of the brain that is developed by joy is where our creativity thrives, where our sense of freedom and true identity and uniqueness is cultivated and where we can bond with other people in joy-bonds that are rooted deeply at the heart level.

Jim says that if you want to stop a person from acting like themselves, then the easiest way to do so is to scare them. When we operate from the back of our brain we are usually reacting in fear. When we live in fear from the back of our brain it operates in ways that are purely problem-solving with no interest in the values cherished in the front of the brain. The back of the brain cares little about our real identity or our morals or even what it might be like us to normally do to act like ourselves. It is only concerned with making the problem go away that is causing our fear or threatening our safety, and it will do so with whatever means will work as quickly as possible. When a person is in extreme fear and through a lack of maturity is thrown to the back of their brain temporarily under intense circumstances, they will often do very strange or unusual things that is very unlike them that may surprise and even shock those around them as well as themselves upon reflection later. This is most likely what happens under the condition called temporary insanity.

The part of the brain that chooses whether we live from the front or the back of our brain is called the amygdala. It is something of a clearing house for incoming information and decides which part of the brain to send the information first. If it decides that what it sees might be dangerous it will attach a warning tag to the information which will immediately alert the brain to activate different parts of the nervous system for action. If the brain has little joy capacity in the pre-frontal cortex and has not practiced how to act like its true self under stress, then the person will easily move to the back of their brain and will become blinded by fear and will remain in a mode of problem solving and doing whatever it takes at any cost to make the problem go away.

The part that really impacted me was when he explained that if we find ourselves always looking for results instead of learning how to act like ourselves, that is a sure sign that we are operating from the back of our brain. He gave the example of people involved in ministry for others who come up to him during seminars with questions about things that seem to stump them in their work with difficult cases. They come to him in hopes that he can solve their problems that they have run into in dealing with people that seem stuck in their emotions. But the very attitude of hoping that Jim can solve their case on the spot indicates that the people in ministry are trying more to solve a problem than to learn how to act like themselves. This is a sure sign that they are likely operating from the wrong part of the brain than what is needed under those circumstances.

When I heard this I realized something very significant. If we approach ministry with an attitude of problem solving instead of using our joy strength and the joy center of our brain, then we will always run into difficulties because the Spirit of God cannot work well with us while we are living from the motivation of fear. We will be sucked into the trap of trying to fix people's problems or focusing on eliminating their pain instead of listening to the heart issues and being willing to be glad to be with them in their problems.

Perfect love casts out all fear and God is love. Jesus stated very explicitly that He promised to be with us always. That is a statement of joy, for the brain's neurological definition of joy is someone who is glad to be with me. So when Jesus states unequivocally that He will always be with us He is addressing the most important and basic craving and need of our brains to thrive and grow and be healed back into our original design and purpose for life.

But if we try to help other people by trying to solve their problems or take on their problems as our own and get into a mode of problem-solving, then we are trying to do something the hard way that God has never asked us to do. For our greatest need is not to make all of our problems or other people's problems go away, but to learn how to act like ourselves under any circumstances by learning to live in joy with each other. This is why a sense of community is so central to the kingdom of heaven. Without others glad to be with us no matter what circumstances or emotions we find ourselves in, we will often lack the strength to endure or the capacity to know how to respond correctly.

Instead of focusing on how to solve every problem as we are usually taught by the world's system of thinking, we much more need to discover our true identity as implanted in us by our Creator and then joyfully live out that identity with our unique style as God designed us to do. In short, we need to learn what it is like us to do, how to act like ourselves all the time. It is God's job to solve problems and our job to live in trust that He can handle His job.

Learning to act like ourselves is at the core of the process of maturing, and maturity can only effectively take place within community where we live in association with others who can help us learn how to act like ourselves by example and encouragement. When we feel the acceptance of others who are glad to be with us even when we malfunction, who are willing to believe in us even at times when we don't believe in ourselves, who are there to love us, to respect us and even to confront us when necessary and hold us accountable, then we can grow and thrive and blossom and mature. For the most important way that we learn is by imitating the example of a more mature mind by watching how they respond under similar circumstances that we experience.

As I thought about the implications of all this I began to realize how much of my time I spend in fear and problem solving instead of learning how to act like myself by tuning in to the Spirit of God to learn my true identity. Over the past few days I have increasingly been asking God to show me who I really am, to reveal to me my true identity as He sees me. I also find myself asking Him to help me see others in their true identity instead of the typical reactions that my brain uses to analyze and evaluate them. This is a whole new experience for me and as yet very unfamiliar. I cannot say that I have had any dramatic breakthroughs yet but this is the direction that I realize I must move if I am to make progress in getting out of living from the back of my brain.

I am also becoming shocked at how many things I approach in a problem solving mode instead of a basis of joy. As I become more aware of this I realize why it is so difficult for me to help other people who are in emotional difficulties. To compound the difficulty I am a male and males are typically wired to be more of a problem solver than just a caring listener. I have been working hard to address that too but am not sure that I've made very much progress. I find it somewhat baffling to know just how to listen to a hurting person without letting my mind rush off into figuring out how to offer suggestions or plunge into the middle of their situation to fix the problems that appear to be causing their pain.

But as I have become more aware of what is really going on inside and what part of my brain I am functioning in, I have had more awareness of my option to choose to switch to a different mode if I am willing. I can turn to God in my mind and ask for more perspective, for more compassion, for more focused attention on what is going on in another person's heart without being so distracted by trying to solve their problems that are frankly beyond my ability to solve anyway. I am realizing that it is not really my job to solve other people's problems – that is God's job. And if I try to take on God's job in other people's lives I will certainly get very bogged down in discouragement and frustration and will end up with a great deal more problems in my own heart that I won't know how to solve very soon.

What I have also realized is that my own fear of entering into more active ministry with others is exposed in what I am learning. Because I am afraid they won't experience dramatic change from my ministry I am secretly afraid people will think less of me and that would be a problem I wouldn't know how to solve. Because I am more focused on getting results than in being willing to be with them and come to God alongside them, I am really living in fear instead of joy and thus am incapacitated for effective ministry.

But as I have chosen to let go of both my problems as well as other's into God's hands I have also begun to sense a feeling of peace and freedom which I suspect is what I am supposed to feel as I move more into the front area of my brain. That is encouraging to me and gives me hope that maybe I too can learn to live more in joy instead of fear and shadows. I want to learn much more how to be genuinely glad to be with people who are hurting as well as those who are rejoicing, while knowing how to act like my unique self. For a true sign of maturity is coming to the place where I can act the same way no matter what emotion I am in or what circumstance threatens me. When I can remember who I am at all times and my connection with God can be alive and real under any circumstance, then my maturity will be to the point where I can become a mentor for others to be attracted to and learn from. I can then show by example how they can connect with God and learn how to act like themselves with their own unique style and personality. And that for me will be a most satisfying and fulfilling source of joy.

The Empty Fuel Tank

I had another dream last night that woke me up some time after 3 AM. But when I woke up another situation immediately took over my thoughts and after awhile I realized that I should just get up and process it with God, for I was unlikely to get any more sleep unless I ignored the invitation and then lost this opportunity.

The details of the dream seemed less important than the use of it to activate certain parts of my emotions that needed to be addressed in the current situation. I am finding myself increasingly in tension with someone I work with and I have been wondering why for the past several days. It is slowly becoming more clear – though not nearly as much as I want – that likely most of the problem is with me. But the complicating factor is that it is hidden almost entirely behind a blind spot in my life.

I think that I have been making jokes at someone else's expense thinking that it is completely in harmless humor. But I am being convicted that this may not be the case at all from the other person's perspective. I, in fact, may be in the process of tearing down the “joy bonds” that God has been working to build up. My study of Romans 14 is being applied to myself in a very personal and practical way here and I want to allow it to have its intended effect on my character and personality.

So then let us pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another. Do not tear down the work of God.... (Romans 14:19-20)

As I think back I slowly begin to realize that many of the things I have been saying lately are not up-building or encouraging for him. My intentions may have been innocent enough, at least I think so from my limited or blind spot perspective, but the potential effects of my words have been more along the line of tearing down the work of God in his heart.

As I prayed about this and dialogged with God about it for some time this morning, several things came to my attention. Some of the principles that I have been learning recently began to fit into place with each other quite effectively. Those who have been educated from some of the same sources that I have been exposing myself to over recent years will recognize some of the context from which I am coming.

I am having a great struggle learning how to act like myself because I don't know very well at all what that looks like. My problem lies partly in that my perception of my identity is based far too much on my past behaviors and mistakes instead of on what God reveals about my true identity. I feel like I need to be able to visualize in my mind what it would look like for me to act differently so that I could then actually begin to act it out in reality. But when I find it difficult to even visualize myself acting differently than what I do then I know I have a very serious identity problem.

What does it mean to act like myself? What I am referring to here is based on the presumption that acting like myself is referring to my real self that God designed me to be, not the false, selfish self that has been fabricated by the many false gods that continually hang around and assault me with lies about my identity. This group of false gods has been with me most all of my life and are so familiar that they often convince me that they are really me. But no matter how much my past is reflective of their attitudes and ways of relating and doing things, they will always be false and will never change their minds or their ways. I must find my true identity in the Source which designed me in the first place.

Another aspect of learning to act like myself is that I learned how to do this by imitating my parents or others who mentored me. So if I am to learn how to act like myself and like the “us” that is my true family, I have to have a much clearer perception of what my true Father acts like so that I can imitate it more readily. And this has to happen in the right-brain part of me, the heart level or it will never really be effective in changing and transforming me from the inside out.

Another insight was given to me as I thought about these things. I noticed that even when I did catch glimpses in my imagination of what it might be like me to do to resolve my tension with my fellow worker, that I lacked the motivation to actually want to follow through with acting that way. I realized that just knowing how to act properly or what love might look like, which is difficult enough in itself, was not sufficient to actually get me to go ahead and carry it out. I asked God what I was lacking to motivate me to take action on any insights that He might give me as to how to act like myself.

I then sensed that very important thing that is lacking is passion – the kind of passion that pulses from the very heart of God and is the source for all life and energy throughout the entire universe. If I try to have love without passion then it is like having a wonderful, shiny new sports car without access to any fuel with which to fill it. I can sit in it and image myself screaming around corners and feeling the exhilaration of a thrilling joy ride, but without the fuel of passion I am just living in a dream world.

But I have been carefully trained all of my life to be afraid of passion. Passion was always considered something very dangerous and out of control. It was something that could never be trusted as so must always be suppressed, ignored or locked up in the deep recesses of a prison within. But God did not design us to just sit in a broken vehicle and imagine ourselves getting somewhere. He designed our brains and our souls to actually thrive and grow and mature in vital connection with the resource of His passion. For without passion we have nothing but a cheap imitation of real life.

So much of my problem is that fear is preventing me from living life with the passion that God implanted into me early on. My passion was perverted, mislabeled, condemned and suppressed. It was done so effectively that most of it I can no longer even find inside of me. I feel that much of the life or passion for life has eluded me and I am just doing little more than putting in time. But God is telling me that He has very different plans for me. And that somehow includes a re-infusion of true passion that will empower me to carry out the things He is telling me are necessary for healing and reconciliation with those around me.

Right now I feel like a have a love/fear relationship with passion. It is something I crave deeply and yet fear intently. In my damaged heart passion is inextricably linked with fear, shame and guilt as well as pleasure, satisfaction and desire. At times it almost feels like having the brakes and the accelerator on at the same time. That is a recipe for a lot of internal tension that affects all of my relationships.

So what I need is vision to know what it looks like to act like myself and passion to be empowered to fulfill the vision. I have to leave this in God's hands. I am praying for the right spirit and perspective to act on my need to reconcile and confess my faults to my brother without being prevented by my fears or pride. I want to repair our relationship and live in such a way that I am building him up instead of tearing down the work of God in his life and in mine. Right now I don't know just what that looks like, but I want to seek God's face more intensely so that I can see how to act like myself more consistently.

Three Dream Warnings

I had last night three series of dreams that at the present are somewhat baffling as well as disturbing. As soon as I sat down to write this after getting up this morning I got a call from my sister and before we hung up we discussed the possible reason for these dreams. She feels that this is a series of warnings to me to prepare me for whatever might be coming ahead.

The dreams seemed to fall into three distinct categories. The first had to do with immorality of a very intense nature. The second had to do with explicit violence at a very diabolic, evil level and the third involved spiritualism that connected with my emotions in a very surprising way.

The first dream that deeply disturbed me and that I have no desire to describe in detail had to do with explicit acts of moral abuse carried on by religious leaders of some sort. I was observing activity going on in front of me that was both reprehensible and at the same time strangely fascinating. It was evil of a nature that makes one's imagination want to feed on it in a spirit of judging similar to when people hear about sexual abuse by clergy. It is so easy to allow the imagination to begin to fabricate what might have happened and it simply begins to feed on itself in a sort of self-righteous indignation environment.

By the time I awoke enough to begin to come to my senses, quite literally, I realized that this was not just another dream because my imagination simply does not try to dwell on such things as I was observing in my dream. I then realized that this was more likely an assault from outside of me being artificially implanted into my mind by demonic instigation and I needed to turn to God for deliverance. As I cried out to God in my mind repeatedly, even forming the words with my mouth to externalize some of my prayers I began to get relief from the oppressive thoughts and feel more peace so I could go back to sleep.

But then I began to dream about a different kind of revolting evil, much more violent in nature. Part of it included visualizations of actual events that I had heard on the news a number of years ago where people were thrown out of military aircraft at night over the ocean because they were opposed to their government. As my mind recreated these scenes with again a fascination of horror, I realized once again that I was under assault and I had to pray my way out of this second round of dreams.

But then came another dream that completely caught me by surprise. I didn't recognize the setting from anything that I know about but it was some sort of farm located on a hillside with various buildings around. For some reason in the dream I knew as part of the dream that one of my sisters had recently died, though it is not actually true in real life. But in my dream this sister suddenly showed up to visit me and acted her usual self like nothing was amiss.

I was a little surprised and disconcerted but didn't do anything about it for awhile from simple politeness. But then our daughter's dog who in fact did die a few days ago in real life also showed up in the dream and was likewise acting like his usual self, jumping around with excitement to see me and wanting to jump up and sit on my lap.

At this point in the dream I needed to walk over to another building where other people were sitting around in a room if I remember right. At any rate, as I walked that direction and headed for a set of stairs, I was struggling with what to do about my “dead” sister walking along with me talking about what was going on in her life and family as she always has done and the dog who also had recently died running around wanting to play with me. Both of these I knew for a fact in my dream had already died and yet here they were as solid-looking and feeling as life and I agonized over confronting them to be apparitions as I knew they really were. My conscience told me that I needed to confront them as the demonic counterfeits that I knew them to be in my mind, but my emotions wanted desperately to just leave them alone and enjoy having them around for awhile because I knew that I would miss them and feel much more sad otherwise.

The internal struggle continued and intensified as I walked to the other building and started up the stairs. As I did so I heard someone nearby audibly tell me, “You know what you need to do, don't you?”

Yes, I knew what I was supposed to do, but my emotions were being drawn intensely in the opposite direction and were urging me to just wait a little longer so I could enjoy their company for awhile before I did what I was supposed to do. But then I also began to realize that this was really a trap designed to take advantage of my softer emotions and if I allowed the situation to continue I would quickly lose my ability to escape the control of the demonic spell. After that I would find myself enslaved in a satanic trap that would be far more difficult to escape.

At last I turned to my sister as tried to tell her apparition to leave saying, “In the name of Cr-cr-cr-cr--” But I struggled to even say the word. I realized by this time that the intensity of this temptation was far greater than I had estimated and that it was vital that I follow through on what was on my conscience. Finally I was able to say to her, “In the name of Christ Jesus I command you to leave.”

But the response was not as dramatic as the many stories I have heard growing up, partly because the demons probably knew they were still able to play on my sympathies and that I had a divided heart. So instead of disappearing into thin air as I had hoped, my “sister” began to act very hurt like I had just rejected her like so many other people have done all of her life. She slowly turned away in sorrow and began to walk in the other direction with me following her wondering what would happen next and trying to force myself to repeat the words again against all the desires of my emotions.

As she left, I turned to go up the stairs and the dog was still running and jumping around me and wanting to play and be close to me. I found this even harder to deal with, maybe because my mind knew that he really was dead in real life outside the dream. At any rate, as I tried to bring myself to confront this demonic apparition I collapsed on the stairs writhing in emotional pain and agony, crying and groaning with an intensity that I have not felt in a long time. At this point the enormity of the emotions woke me up again and I had to begin praying my way out of yet another dream while wondering what all of this was about.

I still don't know what it is all about, but like my sister told me this morning, it may possibly be a warning given to me by God in His mercy to prepare me for something coming ahead that no one knows about yet but Him. I pray that if this is true that I will have internalized the lessons needed from this warning so that I will be prepared for whatever it is that is coming.

I do sense that it is increasingly important to pay attention to the material that is allowed to feed my imagination and thoughts. Just listening to news broadcasts often implants images and thoughts and reactions that feed into these areas of evil unnecessarily all too often. I feel that God is calling out a people who will become more and more separated from the way the world thinks and operates and considers harmless and normal. I am particularly pricked by the high standard that I recently found in Isaiah 33:15 describing those who alone are fit to survive and thrive in the fiery presence of the Almighty. Maybe this is another wake-up call for my heart to more closely align with the ways and will of God in the kind of person I am becoming from the things I allow my mind and imagination to dwell on.

Intense Emptiness

Last night I had a series of some of the strangest dreams that I can remember. Of course, I can't remember but bits of most of them and they were so illogical that my logical mind simply can't relate to them enough to keep them in memory on that side of my brain. But I do remember at least one small piece of the end of one dream, not because of what happened, because I can't even remember the context, but because of the most intense emotion that I experienced for a few moments. It was so intense that I could not stay asleep until after I had been awake and lost the intensity and fell back asleep into a different dream.

As I said, I can't remember the reason or the context of the dream except that I sensed that it was an emotion of very intense – well, its even hard to describe an emotion with words – intense, maybe repentance, sorrow for my sinful condition, sadness for the condition of those around me, something along that line. At the same time I felt that I was very close to the presence of God while experiencing this intense emotion and felt something along the line of deep satisfaction at the same time. Actually, after I woke up from this most intense sensation I experienced something of an excitement that I had even dreamed such an emotion at all. I was actually almost relieved that I am still capable of having that emotion at that intensity. It was almost like I had a growing fear inside of me that my capacity for even experiencing certain emotions has nearly slipped away.

After waking up in the morning I thought about this some more and realized what most likely had caused it to happen. Since the main function of dreams is to file away the important events and emotions from the previous day into long-term memory, dreams often contain a strange mixture of whatever happened the previous day plus a large dose of whatever happens to leak out of the “file drawers” of the mind when they are opened to place within them the new additions to memory. As various sections of the mind are accessed to store away new memories, old events and emotions are reignited a little bit and mingle in with the new information to put them all together into the various emotional categories by which the brain indexes memories.

It has been observed by some researchers that our memories are usually filed and indexed according to emotional similarities, not by logical categories like we do in our intellectual world. That is why our brain is triggered by situations that subconsciously remind us of early intense experiences of a somewhat similar emotion. That early experience may not even look at all like the current situation we find ourselves in, but the emotion-index is not linked to logic but to the similarities in emotional content. And if any of those early events that are used to index all the rest of the file drawer are not resolved or contain deep-seated false assumptions or lies, they will act like a violent trigger to cause intense emotional reactions whenever they are touched by new but similar-feeling emotional stimulations.

Some of the recent developments in Christian ministry utilizes these principles of the mind in correlation with prayer and the presence of the Holy Spirit to bring resolution to those early problematic memories. This has resulted in bringing wonderful closure to not only the early memories but to all the ones linked to it throughout the rest of the life. This has been a great source of hope and excitement for many people as they have found incredible and almost unbelievable freedom from triggers that have enslaved and haunted them for many, many years. But what I believe is really happening is that we are finally learning enough about how God designed our brains to begin cooperating with God in its healing in more effective ways. Funny how when we learn to synchronize with true reality that things suddenly work so much more effectively.

Well, all that is simply background explanation for what I am trying to say about this intense emotion I experienced in my dream last night. As I thought about this while getting out of bed this morning it occurred to me that in a way I have almost become the person that I determined many years ago I did not want to become. Let me explain.

When I was in boarding school at around age 16 or 17 I remember coming to the realization that I was facing a major life decision about the kind of person I was going to become emotionally. I realized then that over a period of time I had become very hardened in my heart, in the emotional part of me, calloused to the point that I could no longer even feel awe or appreciation for a beautiful sunset or a colorful flower. Upon reflection I sensed that it was because I was quickly building emotional walls around my heart to keep me from being hurt by other people who had damaged or abused my heart, either intentionally or unintentionally. Nevertheless, because of my attempts to protect myself from further emotional pain I had begun to close myself away from access to others and was creating thick callouses around my inner self.

What alarmed me was that in doing so I also was sealing off my very ability to feel anything at all at a deep level. My emotions were trapped inside in order to prevent others from knowing about them and I was becoming a prisoner in my own cell that was originally designed to keep others out. I increasingly sensed that I had a choice to make about this situation that could potentially effect the course of the rest of my life.

I can remember lying on the grass with my fingers digging into the ground struggling with this decision trying to figure out what to do. A principle of reality emerged very clearly into my thinking that I still believe yet today. This maxim of truth says that a person can only experience, receive and appreciate love and related positive emotions to the same proportionate extent that the person is willing to make themselves vulnerable and open to being hurt or taken advantage of by others. Conversely, to the degree that I try to protect myself from being hurt inside I will also lose my ability to feel and connect with others at the heart level.

I clearly remember yet today that I made a very difficult choice at that time that I wanted to take the high road and to make myself more vulnerable so that I could also begin to enjoy life more. I think that was a very wise decision, but the problem is that over the many years since then I have had great difficulty knowing how to actually live out that choice. In spite of my good intentions I have repeatedly discovered myself back in my prison hiding in fear of pain and withdrawing from the withering emotional blows inflicted on me or even simple neglect by people who had access to my heart.

The result at this point in my life is that I have become a mixture of the results of decisions in both directions which does not make me feel very fulfilled or satisfied at the heart level. I feel like there have been times in my life when I made strong attempts to break out of my cell and have made some progress in that direction. However, overall I still feel very isolated at the heart level and feel very little emotional bonds with anyone which actually makes me a sitting target for the forces of evil if they were allowed more access to me. But I thank God that He has protected me thus far from those opportunities for Satan and God is still in charge of my healing process to prepare me emotionally for those assaults when they arrive.

Maybe it is extremely foolish to even disclose these things in public. I am sure many would insist that is true and maybe they are right, I don't know right now. What I do know is that when I got up this morning I had a deep sense that my emotional connectedness with others and my ability to feel emotions along with other people, particularly in their presence, is extremely limited and handicapped. I am very dissatisfied with the condition I find myself in which is revealed by my sense of relief last night that I can even feel the intense emotion that I did in my dream.

Upon reflection I remembered what happened yesterday that my brain was likely filing away that produced this strong sensation in the night. I was sharing with a friend about a book I had read years ago written by the man who played Jesus in the Matthew videos. It is called In the Footsteps of Jesus and the man's name was Bruce Marchiano whom I was privileged to meet in person later. I was describing to my friend how Bruce had spent days, maybe weeks pleading with God to give him a glimpse into the emotional mind of Jesus, to allow him to catch a perspective of how Jesus viewed reality and felt about the people around him. He wanted this experience and perspective so that he could more accurately portray the truth about Jesus as he acted out the various scenes from His life from the gospel of Matthew.

God answered his prayers at different times throughout the filming of this movie in ways that left Bruce permanently changed for the rest of his life. I as related these stories to my friend I suddenly found myself tearing up with emotion myself and realized that the ability to feel the passion of God like Bruce longed to do is also one of the deepest desires of my own inner being. All of my life I have longed to be a passionate person in a positive way, to be able to be expressive and intense and connected with others and still to be able to return to a “normal” emotional state of peace without feeling stuck in any particular difficult emotion.

As I have been listening again to the Joy Bonds series by Jim Wilder over the past few days I have been reminded of how out of sync I am with God's desires for my life that He implanted deep within me from before I was even born. My dissatisfaction with my present condition seems to be growing and I long more intensely to be a person that I currently am not. I have for many years felt secretly jealous of those who were able to be expressive seemingly without inhibitions. Some of those have used that ability to really mess up their lives and I certainly do not wish to imitate their example in that direction. But, as I was telling my friend yesterday, I have met a small handful of people over my life that I immediately sensed were living their life deeply from their heart. They seemed to have a very open, vital connectedness with God's heart, they seemed to live with transparency that felt compelling and their presence felt like a powerful magnet in contrast to my sense of emptiness. I felt a great urge each time I met someone like this to rush up to them and beg them to give me whatever it was they had if that was possible.

I firmly believe that this is the proper way to “conduct” evangelism as God originally intended it to happen. Evangelism today has evolved into something completely different that I don't even want to discuss right now. But whenever people get around someone who is real, who reflects from an open heart the intensity of God's passion reflected through their life, their body language, their spirit and their very atmosphere, the attractiveness of God becomes so much more clear and the Spirit of God seems to be able to draw people to Jesus in ways that most evangelists only dream of accomplishing. The real question is, how do I get there from here?

I have no clue as to the answer to that question except to intensify my pursuit of God even more. But I am convinced that God is the originator of that desire in my heart and He also has the answer for it. I likely won't be able to figure out the answer myself, but if I keep focused on pursuing His heart, of seeking His face as He has invited me to do, that somehow, someday I will experience what my heart was designed to experience I sense that this is the only thing that can really make me feel truly alive and that can make my heart thrive. Last night was just a momentary taste of what I want my whole life to be like. I want to be consumed with the passion of God's heart and be swallowed up in His obsession for drawing everyone possible into the powerful current of His most intense love.

Right now I can only dimly sense the outlines of a little bit of this. But I ask Him to come into my life in a much more intentional and direct way and transform me into the kind of man He designed for me to become. I am tired of living life without passion. I know I have a lot of healing to take place to make me safer to live in that kind of intensity, but I want to progress faster than I have in the past. I leave it in God's hands to lead me into that path when He knows I am ready. And in the meantime I have to trust His heart and His timing to get me ready for the exciting life that I know He has planned for me. I have missed far too much of it already and I am impatient to move ahead closer to the real source of safe passion, of real love, of emotional fulfillment and of deep, open connectedness within the true body of Christ.

Jesus, please do Your thing in my life as soon as possible. Thank-you for promising to always be with me for that is the joy that is my strength. I trust You to accomplish Your longterm plan in my life. Teach me how to cooperate better with You. Make me a flaming torch of Your passion to attract others who are starving for real life and satisfaction to come to You for healing and wholeness. Fill me with Your Spirit and have Your way in my life today and for the rest of my life, for Your name's sake, for Your reputation's sake.

Cults and Leadership

I spent some time on the internet this morning researching some things about cults and specifically about one that I know about. I looked at a number of links from a very large collection put together by a self-proclaimed cult-exposer and even talked with him on the phone for a few minutes. As I browsed through the hundreds of names listed on his site I was surprised by the number of entries that he had listed – things like MLM groups and even ministries that I have heard nothing but good things about previously.

As I looked around on his and some related sites I was also surprised and even baffled for a few minutes by the proud display on the margin of one of them of an award for being so negative. I wondered that we have come to the point where we can be proud of our negativity. What does that tell others about us? And I also wondered just how much of this kind of atmosphere is reflected in many of the things that I say and write. I am aware that this is one of my great weaknesses and I am praying for grace and awareness to weed out more and more of my penchant for dwelling on the negative.

I thought about this more as I began to realize that I did not notice anything on these people's web pages that promoted anything positive or uplifting. It seemed only to be a collection of everything they could find wrong with everyone possible along the lines of their favorite soapbox subject. And while I realize that this was the reason for this particular web page I also sensed that focusing on all the bad things about others tends to reproduce those very same attributes in our own lives. I also noticed that “hard edge” in some of the comments and strong opinions that this person shared with me in our conversation on the phone. It was pretty clear to me that he had very little interest in hearing anything from me that might disagree with his opinions about the people he wrote about.

One thing that bothered me in his comments was his insistence that certain people were just intrinsically bad and, as he put it, were just wired to be evil. I cannot share that sentiment about anyone no matter how reprehensible their life and actions may have become. People are born with the image of God still to some degree intact in their hearts and most of the evil that they engage in throughout their life comes as a result of the evils committed against them in their early upbringing along with the progressive maturing of evil resulting from many of their own choices in life. Just as people can mature and grow as Christians, so too people mature and worsen in evil the longer they indulge in selfish desires and exploit others for their own pleasure.

One of the articles that I came across from this web site really resonated with me. It was written by an alumnus of Bob Jones University but could just as easily apply to any number of institutions or organizations that carry out similar practices and methods. It was very well written and I found it very sobering – a real wakeup call to return to the authentic teachings and example of the real Jesus instead of the polished, self-serving version of Jesus so popular in religion today.

One of the verses that he quoted in his post reminded me of what I have been learning in my study of Romans 14 over the past few weeks. As I thought it about it more I decided to look up this passage and review the context and message God may have for me there. I find that it is very rich with meaning and relevance to what God has been teaching me in Romans.

Matthew 20:25-28, Mark 10:42-45 and Luke 22:25-27 are all parallel passages that have a very important message to me about relationships and attitudes particularly in the body of Christ. They talk about the way that the world achieves order through control, force, intimidation and domination. This is the common method used in all relationships throughout the kingdom of Satan and the governments of men. But Jesus states unequivocally that in His kingdom this is not to be the way things happen. We must have the exact opposite attitude towards each other and to be great we must be the most devoted in service to others.

The bottom line problem that I have observed in all the dysfunction seen in religious groups whether they be cults or mainline churches is this penchant for domination and control by the leaders. It is a fierce temptation that seems to take down many aspiring leaders that try to start up a new movement of genuine Christ-followers. And the more they use intimidation and control of others to manage their image and produce good appearances for their organization, the more the reputation of God is blasphemed and the hearts of millions of followers are wounded.

In Romans 14 I am learning that the real problem behind judging and viewing others with contempt occurs when I fail to stay true to this command of Jesus to watch the condition of my spirit. And it is not so much a command by Jesus but really more of a description of what those will look like who accept His transformational work in their hearts and lives. Instead of working very hard to produce similar results to that described in the early church of Acts, if we allow the spirit of humility and love to permeate our hearts and emotions we will see a spontaneous outbreak of true primitive godliness in its natural form.

Something very important about this has come to me recently in my study of Romans 14. I noticed that the problem arises when we begin acting like a lord in someone else's life instead of treating them respectfully and with love like a good sibling. As soon as we begin to lord it over someone with judgment and contempt we run counter to this clear teaching of Jesus to achieve greatness through humility and service to one another. This is the core problem that I believe derails every cult gone awry and is the problem underlying the weakness of all Christian churches today to really be effective in changing the world around them.

And He said to them, "The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who have authority over them are called 'Benefactors.' "But it is not this way with you, but the one who is the greatest among you must become like the youngest, and the leader like the servant. (Luke 22:25-26)