Ministry Frustrations

In trying to minister and encourage my children and other people, I have felt for a long time that my own personal failure to grow and heal in key personal relationships are a major block in effectiveness for others. I have pondered why this is for years. On the surface it seems almost arbitrary, like God is blocking or withholding breakthroughs for others through my ministry to them as leverage to force me to face my own issues first. But then it seems I am always stymied for one reason or another from resolving these problems or even being able to identify them very well.

I feel very much crippled in a work that God seems to be asking us to enter. There now seems to be emerging in my mind a more plausible explanation of this handicap. Maybe my heart can't really believe God can heal and release others from roots that I have not personally been freed from. Maybe I would be jealous and angry if God healed someone else in front of me with a powerful experience of grace that I want for myself. Maybe it involves principles of maturity. After all, one cannot efficiently minister to or mentor another person who is moving into a greater maturity level than the level of the one trying to help them. That one simply doesn't have the knowledge from personal experience and the natural intuition that is learned from entering that realm himself.

We cannot offer grace that we have not received into our own heart. We can only talk about it and point to others who have experienced it. This becomes a major handicap in ministry to others when I am nearly at the same level of maturity or need as my children or others who desire help.

I feel more and more like the cripple at the gate yearning for complete freedom inside and out to not only have the physical ability but the emotional and spiritual abandon to celebrate life and God's goodness. When that freedom arrives in me, many will be amazed and run together to discover for themselves what great power can so transform my identity from a begging, depressed cripple to a leaping, enthusiastic cheerleader for God's goodness and greatness.

Lord Jesus, come!