Supposed Escape

I must write this down before it escapes me so I can explore it more fully later.

Attachment bonds to things above attachments to people.

Attachments to people above intimacy with God.

Today I looked at Rom. 2:3 “Do you suppose... that you will escape the judgment of God?” This is directed at all of us looking for excuses for our critical words and attitudes. Paul is putting his finger on an underlying supposition that is not apparent to us or it would not need to be exposed. So what is the ingredients of this supposition?

The following verses lay out what composes this supposition. Thinking “lightly” is the first element listed, “not knowing” is the second. And then more descriptive words are used like “stubbornness” and “unrepentant”, “selfishly ambitious” and not obeying the truth but obeying unrighteousness, wrath and indignation.

Now that is very fascinating – obeying wrath and indignation. There certainly is a whole lot to unpack there. That sounds very much like our typical false picture of God; full of wrath and indignation. So when we cling to these false ideas about God we are obeying these false pictures of God mirrored from our soul and displayed in the way we treat others with our critical, condemning spirit.

I need to make use of my daytime hours while it is not raining to get some much-needed repairs done so I will come back to this soon.

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Risk Everything

Todays' message in My Utmost is descriptive of the experience that my real heart craves to live out. It is the relationship that choose to pursue and the life that I want to live as a witness to attract others to the magnetic beauty of God's character.

Suppose God tells you to do something which is an enormous test to your common sense, what are you going to do? Hang back? If you get into the habit of doing a thing in the physical domain, you will do it every time until you break the habit determinedly; and the same is true spiritually. Again and again you will get up to what Jesus Christ wants, and every time you will turn back when it comes to the point, until you abandon resolutely. “Yes, but – supposing I do obey God in this matter, what about...?” “Yes I will obey God if He will let me use my common sense, but don't ask me to take a step in the dark.”

Jesus Christ demands of the man who trusts Him the same reckless sporting spirit that the natural man exhibits. If a man is going to do anything worthwhile, there are times when he has to risk everything on his leap, and in the spiritual domain Jesus Christ demands that you risk everything you hold by common sense and leap into what He says, and immediately you do, you find that what He says fits on as solidly as common sense.

At the bar of common sense Jesus Christ's statements may seem mad; but bring them to the bar of faith, and you begin to find with awestruck spirit that they are the words of God. Trust entirely in God, and when He brings you to the venture, see that you take it. We act like pagans in a crisis, only one out of a crowd is daring enough to bank his faith in the character of God. (My Utmost for His Highest 5/30)

I think this is a very good description of what real faith looks like. It shows how “works” motivated by real faith will be produced in the life of a person who begins to get an accurate picture on the inside of the truth about God's character. Coming from a background of training that was backwards, I find these kind of explanations very helpful. Most of us who were brought up in a religious environment were probably trained with a great deal of emphasis on having all the right external symptoms. The problem lay in that there was a great deal of confusion and mystery surrounding the underlying reasons and motivations to produce those external behaviors. Usually the motives involved fear to a great degree with a lot of selfishness mixed in quite subtly.

“You must be good if you want to go to heaven (or avoid hell)” was one of the main themes. “You better obey or you will get a spanking (or some other form of arbitrary painful/shameful experience)” was another main mode of motivation. This kind of training did very little to nurture and strengthen our hearts to flourish and thrive. Instead, it created within us an image of a false picture of God that became so real and fearful that we either rejected Him altogether in favor of our more reasonable common sense or we perpetuated the lies as we hid within our fears and attempts to placate this confusing, threatening superpower hanging His inducements and threats over our lives.

Having “faith” in such a being is a very difficult proposition at best. What often happens is that most of our religious words end up getting transposed into meaning something other than their original use. Faith becomes known as an intense, worked-up desire to get something from God that we want and a desperate attempt to eliminate every conflicting thought or doubt that threatens to give God an excuse not to give it to us.

I speak from my own experience in this area but I strongly suspect that I am not the only one who suffers from this systematic theology of lies about God. That is one reason I have so much benefited from reading this book year after year, for it keeps reminding me of what is the most important thing about being human and being truly alive. I am finding that as my internal picture of God becomes more and more consistent with the real truth about Him, that true faith begins to grow spontaneously within me and I am challenged to throw myself in reckless abandon onto what Jesus says about Himself. The courage and reason to do so comes from a heart awakening within me to the alluring call of its original designer who created it to find its highest fulfillment and joy in superseding the common sense of an isolated, left-brained religion and leap into the arms of love. My heart can only find satisfaction in relationships with other hearts. And all of our hearts will never be completely satisfied until they come into full intimacy with the Heart from which they were born and came into existence.

I think I would like to adopt this passage as my personal mission statement, the description of what I want my life to look like. No, better yet, I choose to do that. I want to have an awestruck spirit in the words of God. I want to trust entirely in God, and when He brings me to the venture, see that I take it. I want to be that one out of a crowd that is daring enough to bank his faith in the character of God. I choose to leap into the words of Jesus inviting me to risk everything on who He really is and trust Him to catch me like a little child screaming with glee landing in his father's strong arms.

“Truly, I say to you, If you do not have a change of heart and become like little children, you will not go into the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 18:3 BBE)

Gearing Up for Romans 2

Romans 1 and 2 are parallel descriptions outlining the two primary ways to be a sinner and resist God. The last half of Romans 1 describes what we usually term “open” sinners who make no profession of obedience to God. Within this description both the causes and the results are explained though they are often confused or switched around by those who read it. Romans 2 then declares that typical “religious” people are actually just another version of the previous sinners though they vehemently deny such charges. This is because they still participate in the root causes indulged in by the chapter 1 sinners but just have very different apparent symptoms.

This parallel is flushed out more clearly in 2:12 where they are described as those who sin without the Law and those who sin under the Law. Then these two modes of being sinners are also contrasted with apparently two ways of obedience inferred in 14-16. These are people who are not under the law, or what we would term overtly religious people, but pay attention to a conscience tuned to the voice of God in their own soul. These kind of people, their very existence and definition, create a great dilemma for most Christian as they do not fit neatly into a box of our defining. We generally agree that they must exist but we do not know very well how to understand them or relate to them. Maybe these are people who have a better intuitive relationship to the cause and effects listed in these two chapters than most overt religious professing “believers”.

I believe that it would be well for me to further explore and condense into more clarity the many causes and effects laid out in these passages. Since it seems to be quite important for living in right relationship to God, I would like to know what are the real causes to avoid that trap me into the rut of hypocrisy that I see described in chapter 2. I know that much of the description throughout this chapter is uncomfortably close to describing my experience for much of my life. I want to learn what God has to say to me and receive the counsel that I need to get out of this mode of thinking and into a more vital and vibrant connection with Him.

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Memorial Memories and Musings

It is Memorial Day here and I am at home where my parents lived out their last 30 years. I helped build part of this house back when I was 18 and just graduated from academy (high school). I spent the summer working on improvements to the little cottage that was the nucleus for the rest of the much larger house. I then framed up the first story after the basement was poured by contractors. At that time I had absolutely no experience in carpentry and the results are now obvious to an experienced eye. But the house is still standing and has now become our own home.

It was at this very time three years ago that we were shocked by the sudden death of my step mom in a tragic car accident on her 32^nd wedding anniversary. My dad was living in a nearby nursing home and that left no one to look after the house or the thirty some odd cats depending on her daily feedings or to visit him. My sister and I rushed down here upon receiving the news of the accident and visited her in the hospital an hour before she died. The following days and weeks were times of trauma, amazement and self-discovery in ways that I would not necessarily care to repeat.

We ended up moving here, doing some much-needed remodeling on the house and shortly after bringing dad home from the nursing home to care for him the rest of his days. His death last year was much more expected and less traumatic with the surrounding circumstances somewhat documented in various posts on this site. Since that time we have really been wondering what God has for us here. It was unavoidably clear that we were supposed to move here but other than caring for dad and being forced to face some deep roots of faults within myself, we are still feeling baffled as to what we are “supposed” to be doing.

Why am I saying this all now? Well, I'm not even sure of that except that this weekend reminded me of these events. It is not a time of grief or painful reminders of bad memories as it is for some people in their lives. I am fully at peace with those events. Sometimes I wistfully wish that dad and mom could see the changes we have made on the house. I know they would have been very excited and thrilled about many of them, though it would have been an almost unendurable stress for them to live through the construction process. Sometimes I can almost hear their exclamations when they would see the addition I added onto the front of the house dramatically expanding the living room to a comfortable and spacious place to share life with more people. But that is never going to happen and I have to pull my mind away from such reveries and wonder why this is here.

I continue to feel that there is some reason, some divine destiny for this house that is yet unrevealed. My dad had the same feeling for many years himself which is why he designed the house with 8 bedrooms. The only time that I know of when all the bedrooms were utilized ironically was at the time of my mom's funeral. But I know that was not the purpose for which this place was designed as it was. My dad, and now we, have believed for a long time that God has some kind of “ministry” in mind for this house. I am not even completely sure that we are the ones who would be involved though I certainly wish to be. I do not want my negligence in some way to cause me to default on God's plans for this place and see its fulfillment come about through someone else without us. But I still seem to be stymied as to what is supposed to happen.

That is not to say that we have not had our own ideas of what this place was to be. But even that has created its own problems at times, at least within myself. When we first moved here I was very eager to share many of the things we had been learning about spiritual and emotional healing with people we knew around here but soon felt the chill of suspicion and disinterest withering away our enthusiasm. Worst of all I began to see that my own inherited spirit of criticism and bitterness was a slow poison that worked to discredit the very ideas and concepts that I so wanted to share. They had been instruments to begin a healing process in my own life, but my transformation was not progressed enough to undo the harmful effects of years of deep-rooted habits of thinking and feeling that still plague me yet today.

These habits and attitudes that affect all of my relationships were largely formed in me while I was growing up among some of the very same people I now face on my return to this area. This has created a situation that magnifies these fault-lines within me as I react to familiar triggers that activate old self-defeating patterns of belief and self-perception. I know this is the kind of thing God does to get us to face ourselves so we can realize what we need for Him to do inside of us. The really frustrating part is that it is taking so very much longer than what I had hoped it would take. I feel like my spiritual progress at times could easily be outstripped in speed by the slugs I used to watch crawling around in our backyard when I was growing up nearby.

I want to grow up more and make some progress in my life – at least part of me does. But another part of me has been evidently quite effective in hiding critical areas of my thinking from my consciousness and preserving some of my faults from exposure to the light of God's healing. These faults are very operative from their hiding places but not easily dealt with, at least with the methods and means I have been trying so far. Sometimes I get a good view of part of them and ask God to deal with them. They are slowly starting to be exposed but it feels sort of like splinters that very slowly work their way to the surface of the skin while causing a great deal of discomfort while I wait for them to come within reach.

Maybe this is coming to my mind partly because of the present attention I am giving to the beginning of Romans. I know that when one exposes himself to the Word of God he will have something happen that will much less likely happen otherwise. As I plunged into chapter two yesterday I came under such heavy conviction of my own areas of hypocrisy that I could not even bring myself to write anything. Sometimes writing really can be an avoidance for heart work – not always though. There are times when writing is a most effective tool to get into my heart. But there are other times when my heart needs more time to ponder and soak and receive what is coming in without the distraction of trying to explain what is happening when the experience itself is not yet matured. That is how I felt yesterday and still do to some extent. The revelations I am receiving in this chapter are so strong and so connected to the previous chapter that they are unnerving but very needed.

At the same time, due to my less than nimble memory, I need to at least take notes for future reference so I can capture many of the insights that I am finding in this area of the passage. I am always struggling with finding the balance between sharing what I am learning while still in process or waiting until the pieces make more sense and then sharing it. So far I have tended toward the immediate sharing which makes things a bit more messy but maybe much more personal. It is quite opposite to the standard educational model promoted today, but so far it seems to me to be my attempt to live from my heart in real time (or at least closer to real time).

Just as Guilty - Romans 2

I may not get beyond this area of Romans for some time, but that's just fine. Its not like I am requiring anyone to stay here with me; I am simply recording what I am discovering each day so that I, or anyone else who cares to, can go back and review it.

This morning my eyes fell on two phrases that jumped out at me that I hadn't noticed before. “Everyone of you”, and “in that which you judge another, you condemn yourself.” (2:1)

The first phrase is a very airtight statement leaving no one at all any wriggle room to excuse their criticism of others. And believe me, I have heard, as well as participated in, a wide array of these excuses. I'm sure you have heard some of these and could add to them as well – “speaking the truth”, “standing up for what is right”, “calling sin by its right name”, “fruit inspecting” etc. There is always enough of an element of truth wrapped into these explanations to supposedly vindicate our judging of others. But in this passage I cannot find Paul giving any latitude whatsoever to any of these excuses. He states categorically that “everyone of you who passes judgment... condemns yourself.”

Then ensues a long argument over the supposed difference between judging, condemning, criticism etc. and how what I am doing is right while what you are doing to expose me is wrong. I believe that for the honest in heart who want to live in God's love and reflect His nature, the discussion yesterday about the difference between the original words used in this passage will be very helpful. For those who are more interested in defending their position at all costs the insights there are probably worse than useless.

The second phrase that presented itself to me today would be also helped if I knew the original language and context better. But lacking that and trusting in the Spirit to guide me in spite of my handicaps, I am going to muse over this passage and see what I can perceive myself.

It seems to me that this could read more than one way with different but not necessarily conflicting meanings. The first way, and the way it is worded in this translation, implies that you are doing the very same things that you condemn others for doing. This is even elaborated and emphasized in the rest of the verse and the next verse as well. It is clearly at least part of what Paul was trying to convey, but I am not sure that excludes the other optional reading of this.

The other, maybe more subtle message that could be found here, is that in the very act of judging others you are condemning yourself. In this case the focus would not so much be on the similarity of your sins with those you are criticizing but the guilt lies in the spirit of condemnation indulged in by the accuser. I think it would be safe to conclude that both of these concepts can be found and applied personally from this passage.

Another thought came to me as I was forced to face the recurring objection that always arises in the back of my mind whenever I read or hear this. How can it be that, for instance, if I indulge in “judging” a homosexual for his sin that Paul (and God by implication) can rightfully assert that I am guilty of the very same sin? The passage leading up to this text certainly has been frequently used and abused to do that very thing. So how can Paul assert that anyone who judges homosexuals or even other types of sinners listed previously has implicated themselves as doing the very same things?

The thought that presented itself to me was that I need to discern between roots and fruits. This insight was made easier because of the extended time I have taken to immerse myself in chapter 1 over the past few days and weeks so that I have become much more familiar and comfortable with it. I have begun to see that the real “sins” that Paul is referring to are not necessarily the fruits of sin listed near the end of chapter 1 but the continuous rejections of God and revelations about Him repeatedly mentioned in the text.

That being the case, it becomes much easier to see how everyone who passes judgment is always guilty of the very same sins. The results of those sins may or may not look quite different between the accuser and his target, but the root cause – a distorted picture of what God is like and how He relates to us – will be found to be identical. That is the message that for me is really beginning to emerge as I take the time to sift through this section of Romans to see what God has to reveal to me about Himself.

I believe that may really be the main point of Romans 1. God is in the business of revealing Himself and sinners are in the opposite business of suppressing the truth (1:18). We can fall into the trap of suppressing the truth far easier by masking it under the guise of judging “open sin” more than any other way. Religion has for centuries refined this to a high art and claims to represent God while in fact presenting a very sick, perverted picture of Him that has turned millions away from God in disgust and rage. Religious people have done far more to destroy God's reputation than “open sinners” could ever possibly do.

So how does this apply to me personally? I need to not only be aware of when I am tempted to criticize others and judge them, but I need to understand the reason behind that temptation and expose the root lies hiding inside me to the sterilizing light of truth. I need to review the previous passages to remind myself of the root causes that lie behind the sins that become so abhorrent and destructive when they come to full fruit. How can I avoid the hypocrite trap and stay in right relationship with my Creator?

I need to understand and embrace the truth about God and about Jesus in the real truth of the gospel. I need to do this even more with my heart than with my head (1:1-4). I need to experience the obedience of faith – for His name's sake (5). I want to know experientially what it means for me to be “the called of Jesus Christ”, “beloved of God” and called as a saint (6,7).

As I realize this experience more fully I may find to my surprise that my faith too, may be found to be “proclaimed throughout the whole world” (8) (Not really that difficult with today's technologies). I have the privilege of serving God in my spirit in the gospel (the good news about God) of His Son and enter into the power of praying for others and connecting my hearts with theirs. I can be encouraged together with them, “each of us by the other's faith” (9-12).

As I am more filled with the passion of God to save sinners from deception and the destructive effects of sin, I will feel more and more a sense of obligation to share the good news of the truth about God with everyone I meet, even when they are unlovable or hostile or hateful. I will see them more with the eyes of heaven. I will not be ashamed any longer of the gospel, for I will be living in its power to save, salvage and restore me to the likeness of the Almighty God of the universe. I shall see true righteousness revealed – God's righteousness – and will know what it means to “live by faith” (13-17).

In addition, I can note things to avoid to stay out of deception and live in the truth of God. I will not want to suppress the truth but will live enjoying continuously increasing revelations of truth. I will pay attention to what is revealed about God in His creation and what is evident even within myself (18-20). I will love to honor God and live in gratitude and praise under the protection of His covenant blessing for me. Instead of become darker, my heart – the core of my being that most craves satisfaction and love and being valued and cherished – will become ablaze with the fire, the light and the passion ignited by the very heart of God Himself (21-23). The lust of my heart will be to know God's heart most of all. I will know that the source for life and real satisfaction cannot be found in anything less than my Creator Who loves me beyond my wildest imagination (24,25).

The more fully I enter into this fulfilled existence connecting with God's heart, the more rich and fulfilling will be my intimacy in my own marriage and my heart connections with the family that God creates around me (26,27) As I choose to stay aware of and acknowledge God as my true source of real life and fulfillment, my mind will become clearer, more noble, wiser and more stable. The fruits of the Spirit will be naturally exhibited in my life and I will become an agent of hope and change in the lives of others who will be attracted to God through my example (28-32).

When I am living this kind of life, I will not surrender to the temptation to condemn others for their failures and sins for I will know that I am just as vulnerable as they to revealing the effects of evil in my life if I do not stay in the love and grace of God every moment (2:1-3). My only safety is in putting great weight in the “riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience” with me. My only hope is in “the kindness of God that leads me to repentance” (2:4).

“Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin; (Hebrews 12:2-4)

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The Hypocrite Trap

Today's study is definitely when I wish I had access to the insights that come with comprehensive knowledge of the original languages of the Bible and the nuances of how the words are used. It would at least be nice to have access to someone else who is in that position but alas, I do not. That does not mean that I cannot use the resources and intuition that I do have access to. And most importantly anyone has access to the original Author of this book if they are willing to ask and maintain a teachable spirit.

I am musing over Rom. 2:1-4 this morning and researching the Greek to see if a hunch I have might be reinforced there. So far all indications that I have found support what I suspected might be true, but I wish I had an unbiased expert in Greek to expound on it further and give me more insight.

Because of the truth about God that has been consistently emerging in my study and contemplation over the past few years, I believe that this passage bears out a contrast between the kind of “judging” that men do and the judging that God engages in. So I looked up the words translated “judge” or “condemn” in these verses and sure enough, it is a different word used for God's judgment vs. ours. The problem lies in that the definition given in Strong's often carries its own ambiguity and sometimes bias of the translators so it is not explicitly as plain as it could be. But the very fact that a different Greek word is used is a strong first clue that there should be an understood distinction between the two that is completely lost in the English translation.

Here is the definitions as found in Strong's. The first word “krino” is the Greek word used each time the text refers to man judging someone. The second word used when God does it is “krima”. There is a third word found in this text that is translated as “condemn” and it is also linked to the human version of this concept of judgment. It is the word “katakrino”.

Krino – properly, to distinguish, i.e. decide (mentally or judicially); by implication, to try, condemn, punish:--avenge, conclude, condemn, damn, decree, determine, esteem, judge, go to (sue at the) law, ordain, call in question, sentence to, think.

Katakrino – to judge against, i.e. sentence:--condemn, damn.

Krima – from (krino); a decision (the function or the effect, for or against ("crime")):--avenge, condemned, condemnation, damnation, + go to law, judgment.

Even with the possible translator's subjective, biased assumptions about God woven into the definitions I find the differences between the two somewhat revealing, primarily in what is not included in the word for God's judgment. It does not have the strong accusatory flavor that the word krino seems to carry. What I see here on the human side is a tendency to go well beyond just “distinction” but to “try, condemn, punish, avenge...,call in question” and even sentence. I believe that as a person more clearly perceives the truth about how God relates to sin and sinners they will realize that God's judgment, and relatedly His wrath, is fundamentally, and radically different than men's judgment and attitude toward offenders.

This difference feeds right back into the concept of the two different kinds of law – proscriptive law and descriptive law. Men's laws are generally always artificial and the attached punishments are arbitrary. God's laws are simply descriptive in nature of principles that are in place that define our existence and its parameters and the “punishments”, to use the term loosely, are really the natural consequences of violating those nature principles. That is why, I believe, the glaring absence of the accusatory elements found in the definition for man's judgment are not found in the word used for God's judgment. Because, as the Bible points out, “My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, saith the Lord.” (Isa. 55:8) I also like that way this translation renders this most important insight, “for your anger does not produce God's righteousness.” (James 1:20 NRSV)

As I was pondering this and examining the context another strong clue emerged that I had not really noticed so much before. “Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?” (Romans 2:4 NAS95) I suddenly realized that this revelation of God is in direct contrast to the condemnation-type of judgment that humans tend to exercise toward each other described in the previous verses. Actually, it appears to me that kindness is really the diametric opposite of condemnation just like God's character is opposite to our sinful nature.

What I am beginning to see emerging here in my extended study of Romans 1 and 2 is a loving trap that Paul created to expose the sinfulness of the hearts of those who want to judge and condemn “wicked sinners”, especially in the name of God. Throughout the last half of chapter one he draws us into an apparent “tirade” against those who have fallen deeper and deeper into sin and draws out our prejudices and bigotry toward them into the open. Then in chapter two (remember there are no chapter or verse breaks originally in the letter) he switches the focus from “those terrible homosexual sinners” to the equally heinous sins of condemnation just exposed in our own heart and declares emphatically that we are just as guilty as the ones we are condemning. In fact, he drives it even deeper by declaring that we are guilty of the very same things that we accuse others of doing which seems to baffle us and cause us to scramble for some plausible rationalization to defuse this conviction aimed at us.

But if we try to wriggle out of the convictions that Paul presents to us here, then we will find ourself in the very negative position described in verse 4 with those who “think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance.”

What is my alternative? It is the inverse of this last description – to take very seriously and believe strongly in “His kindness and tolerance and patience” and experience the repentance that comes from such a belief. Contrary to popular religion and the thunderings of Bible-thumping preachers claiming to represent God, it is not threats and condemnations that lead sinners to repentance but it is the kindness of God. I want to fill my mind much more with the knowledge of this kindness and allow my heart to marinate in the glorious truth about God. I also want to become like Him so that others can be drawn into this experience of repentance and reconciliation as they see His kindness reflected from my heart.

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Romans 1 Inverted

As I take another close examination of the whole chapter of Romans 1, I am looking for an uncluttered description of what a saint looks like. This is not a saint in the typical thinking of the word but in the Bible's understanding of the word. A saint is not one who has achieved self-perfection and boring piety but is a person who is submersed in the grace of God and is responding to being called by God, drawn by His lovingkindness to abandon himself to the pursuit of God's heart.

There are two main sections of this chapter. The first talks about Paul the messenger and the Roman believers he is writing to and the second is his description of all sinners who are refusing and resisting this drawing of God. In this second section I am taking the inverse of the negative descriptions so that I can more clearly see what he is saying by implication. I find this technique very helpful sometimes to clarify in my mind some of the meanings that are often masked by the back and forth switches in language when alternate descriptions are being presented.

I am also separating the descriptions into two categories for simplification. The first is a description of the messenger of which Paul is an example and the second is an illustration of a person who would be responding to the grace and gospel of God. To separate the two I will use two colors of print to identify what is referring to each.

Description of the Messenger

A person who is a bond-servant of Christ Jesus, a love-slave living under the compulsion of a passionate response to God's love and grace.

Called as an apostle, one who has been “sent out”, who cannot be content to remain in their home base because of the inner compulsion of God's passion burning in their heart.

Set apart for the gospel of God; intentionally dedicated by God and His family members on earth to effectively share the good news about God with anyone who will listen.

One who has received grace and apostleship through Jesus Christ our Lord, to bring about the obedience of faith among all for His name's sake.

I thank my God through Jesus Christ for you who are believing in this gospel.

I unceasingly I make mention of you, always in my prayers.

I long to see you so that I may impart some spiritual gift to you, that you may be established and that I may be encouraged together with you while among you, each of us by the other's faith.

Often I have planned to come to you that I may obtain some fruit among you....

I am under obligation....

I am eager to preach the gospel.

I am not ashamed of the gospel.

Description of Those Accepting the Good News About God (Gospel)

They have the obedience of faith for Jesus' name's sake.

They are the called of Jesus Christ, all who are beloved of God called as saints.

Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

Their faith is being proclaimed throughout the whole world.

THE RIGHTEOUS man SHALL LIVE BY FAITH.

This life “by faith” results in godliness and righteousness.

Through faith in response to God's faith in them they help God reveal the truth in righteousness.

That which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them – His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made.

They knew God, and they did honor Him as God and give thanks.

As they become more effective channels of God's wisdom their hearts grow stronger and more filled with light and the fire of God.

They humbly look to God for wisdom and become mature.

They embrace the glory of the incorruptible God as they see that glory reflected in various ways through His creation. They see some of the invisible attributes of God visibly reflected in man, in birds and four-footed animals and crawling creatures.

God draws them closer to Himself in the passion of their hearts for purity. As a result their bodies become honorable among them.

They hold on to the truth of God and reject THE lie of Satan.

They worship and serve their Creator.

For this reason God fills them with His own uplifting passion of love.

As a result their women are fulfilled as they discover their natural function in the family.

Their men are also fulfilled by the natural function of the women and burn in their desire to honor and cherish their wives with greater and deeper acts of kindness and love.

In consequence they receive in their own persons the gifts of grace as they live in the truth.

They see fit to acknowledge God more and more.

As they grow in grace, love and maturity God imparts to them a noble, clear mind, to do those things which are proper, being filled with all righteousness, purity, nobility, generosity, goodness; full of thoughtfulness, life-giving energy, peace, truth, kindness; they are jealous for the truth, full of blessing, lovers of God, cooperative, humble and kind, quick to give affirmation to others, schemers of kind surprises, obedient to parents, with growing understanding, trustworthy, loving, merciful; and they know the ordinance of God, that those who practice such things are considered worthy of eternal life, they not only do the same, but also give hearty approval to those who practice them.

(ref Romans 1:1-32 NAS95)

What do you think? Is this a valid transposition of the original text?

(next in series)

Revealing Opposites in Romans 1

Today I spent some time extracting what I see as parallel opposites that help explain each other in Romans 1 along with context explanations of words and phrases. I particularly was interested in exploring what the word “glory” might mean. These are all things taken directly from the text.

What is glory?

Descriptive of the incorruptible God.

Opposite of an image.

Images come in the form of corruptible man, birds, 4-legged creatures, reptiles.

(Man is the image of God, a reflector of His glory)

This is a movement from higher intelligence to lower and from higher physical position to the lowest.

An image causes lust in the heart to impurity. (Opposite of lust for purity)

Impurity causes dishonor of the body. (Opposite of honor for the reflected image)

Opposite of releasing them, giving them over. (Presumes a previous attachment)

Synonymous with the truth of God vs. the lie.

Opposite of worshiping and serving the created.

Worship and service of the Creator who is blessed forever.

Opposite of degrading passions. (Uplifting passions)

Natural function of the woman. (Listed “for woman” in reference to both women and men.)

Opposite of men burning with desire for other men. (Desire for women?)

Opposite of committing indecent acts with resulting penalties.

Acknowledgment of God.

Opposite of a depraved mind.

Opposite of doing things which are not proper.

Opposite of being filled with the following attributes:

unrighteousness

wickedness

greed

evil

envy

murder

strife

deceit

malice

gossip

slander

hating God

insolence

arrogance

boastfulness

inventing evil

disobedience of parents

without understanding

untrustworthy

unloving

unmerciful

More than just knowing the ordinance of God.

Opposite of giving hearty approval to those who practice these evils.

(More clues for glory going the opposite direction in the chapter starting at verse 22 backwards)

Knowing God AND honoring Him and giving thanks.

Opposite of becoming futile in speculations.

Opposite of foolish and darkened heart.

Opposite of professing to be wise and becoming fools.

Evidence within us of what is known about God.

Invisible attributes of God

His eternal power.

Divine nature.

These have been clearly seen – they are understood through what is made (creation).

Opposite of suppressed truth through unrighteousness.

Opposite of ungodliness.

The gospel.

The power of God for salvation.

Power to everyone who believes (in order of foreknowledge of Him)

God's righteousness.

God's faith that inspires man's faith that he can live by.

Contrasts in Romans 1:

Righteousness of God vs. wrath of God revealed.

Known evidence about God clearly seen and understood vs. futile speculations and suppression of the truth.

God is revealed vs. foolish darkened hearts.

Wise vs. fools.

Worship of higher Creator vs. worship of lower creatures.

Glory vs. image.

Incorruptible God vs. corruptible man, birds etc.

Honor for God vs. dishonor of their own bodies.

The truth of God vs. THE LIE.

Eager to preach the gospel vs. degrading passions and burning with lust.

Feeling under obligation to serve vs. committing indecent acts.

Truth vs. deceit.

Faith vs. lust.

Invisible attributes vs. image in (visible) forms.

Serving in the spirit of the gospel vs. professing to be wise

Longing to see you to impart some spiritual gift vs. lusts of the heart to impurity and burning with homosexual desires.

Evidence of God within them vs. darkened heart.

Obtaining fruit (for God) vs. exploiting others for lust.

Knowledge of God vs. foolish “wisdom”.

Thanking God (8) vs. not giving thanks (21)

Natural function of women vs. unnatural function in homosexual desires.

Salvation (restoration) vs. depraved mind.

Just living by faith vs. professing to be wise.

Encouraged together with you by each other's faith vs. practicing sins worthy of death and giving hearty approval to those who also practice them while knowing the ordinance of God.

Obedience of faith (5) vs. disobedience to parents.

Received grace and apostleship vs. receiving due penalty of their error.

(Obedience for) His name's sake vs. haters of God.

Unashamed of the gospel vs. committing indecent (shameful) acts.

Beloved of God vs. haters of God.

(next in series)

Why Questions?

What are questions for? This came to my mind and the immediate ideas needed to get captured so I could review them later and think about them more.

I thought about the questions that God asked in the Garden after our parents sinned. I remembered how Jesus so often responded to questions with His own questions. From the context of thinking about things more from a heart perspective I found this very fascinating and revealing.

Quite obviously God does not need to ask questions to get information that He does not already completely know about. On the other hand that is the main reason we ask questions, isn't it? Or maybe I am showing my male bias here. I have been learning that women, generally speaking, dialog primarily to explore their feelings together more than to gather information. Men tend to be more solution oriented and want to collect facts for the purpose of compiling an answer to an exposed problem to dispense with it and move on. This is a source of much misunderstanding between the sexes particularly in marriages much of the time. It is also well addressed by the Love and Respect seminars put on by the Eggerich's which I recommend.

But what does questioning reveal about the questioner? And by this time you may be wondering what all these questions might be revealing about me. That too is probably a very valid question.

I am starting to see two distinct categories of questions that are not so much always distinguishable in the wording of the questions but in the spirit of the questioner. This is because of the difference between a person living primarily from their head/left brain and one who is living more from their heart/right brain.

I think a very good example of this is some of the very first questions found in history. After Adam and Eve sinned and suddenly felt overwhelmed with shame and guilt, God came along and began asking questions. Now, what you assume about this situation is greatly affected by several factors such as what you believe God is like and what His motives were for His questioning. If you assume that He was there to interrogate them, intensify their guilt and make sure they understood how bad they had been, then you are definitely living from an external-oriented religion no matter whether you profess to be religious or not.

On the other hand, if you see a God full of emotion and anguish reaching out to repair a ruptured heart relationship with two of His favorite children, then maybe you are on the road to understanding what the kingdom of heaven is really about.

When a person is more interested in heart connections than in external compliance and conformity, then their questions will be designed and their voice and body expressions will convey a deep desire to draw out the heart and affections of the other person being addressed. The questions will not be just about finding out things, though as humans that is necessary since we cannot know hearts as God can, but they will also be used to explore the real condition of the other person's heart. A person who lives from their heart always wants to connect more deeply with other hearts – that's just what hearts are designed for.

But when a person is still caught in the trap of being locked out of their own heart for whatever reason, they will tend to relate to others on a mostly information-based level or will tend to move toward a more condemning position that will further shut down or damage other hearts. The questions in this situation will be fishing for information that will likely be used for or against the other person later on.

This brings me to the difference between “judgment” vs. “condemnation”. True judgment (contrary to what many of us assumed from our upbringing) is simply a revealing outwardly of an inward condition. Condemnation, in contrast, is an imposition of shame, an intensifying of guilt feelings and an enhancing of the environment of fear. None of these things are in the heart of God and He does not operate to bring those things into our lives. Those are lies and death-producing techniques that Satan has developed to destroy the heart relationships that God desires to have with us and for us to share with each other.

This flows right into the common analogy of light and darkness so often mentioned in the Bible. When a person is trying to connect with the heart, their questions will be an attempt to bring that heart out into the light so that healing and understanding and bonding can take place in the warm atmosphere of the light of truth. But when a heart is locked down under the tyranny of left-brain a religion/philosophy/lifestyle way of thinking, then it will always be afraid to come to the light. That fear is justified by its belief that coming to the light of exposure will only result in more damage, more pain and more shame. Since our hearts are not wired to enjoy those kinds of things and does not desire them, a person who does not believe that the questioner has his best interest in mind will continue to hide deeper and deeper under a shell of self-defense and darkness. And if the questioner is more interested in the externals and in appearances than in restoring peace and love to the heart, then the other person who is afraid has good reason to continue to retreat deeper into his fears and hiding mechanisms even though those activities will further deepen his isolation and pain.

This brings to mind another problem that I have observed. I have repeatedly seen people who observe the wonderful results of a person who knows how to truly live from their heart working with another who is struggling in that direction. After getting excited about the tremendous potential of bringing relief and healing to others, these observers attempt to do the same work by carefully analyzing and trying to copy what they saw the first person do. They study the example very carefully, they create charts or complex analysis of the data, the techniques or any other of a multitude of tools that can be hypothesized and condensed from their study. Then they try to carefully copy the example, often turning it into a training program that they then “sell” to others and detail the parameters that they have set up for “success”.

But as many of us sadly realize, after awhile these programs prove to be inadequate to reach hearts effectively like the original demonstrations produced and more people line up with new programs and techniques to replace the old ones and everyone jumps on the next bandwagon to success. Does this sound familiar? I have seen it happen over and over and it will continue till the end of time. This is because simply copying the external “formulas” created by observing someone living from their heart never works well because the most important element has been left out and overlooked. Copying the questions word for word that work so effectively when used by a person of the heart does not produce the same results when used in the sterile environment of externalism.

By no means at all do I claim to know a lot about this subject. I have spent most of my life living on the “external” side of this issue and only recently have become more aware of the heart side. I am just beginning to even be more aware of my own heart and am even less skillful at working with the hearts of others. But I am becoming more and more aware of the vital significance of not only living from my heart but relating to others at a heart level more than any other level. It does not mean that information, facts and external are not important at all. It is just that when I allow them to eclipse the greater importance of staying relational and connected at the heart level I am back into activities and misunderstandings that cause more damage that later has to be addressed as well.

So how do I learn how to use questions to connect at the heart level? How do I learn to explore and encourage and heal with my words? Even more important, how do I get my body language and voice tone and facial expressions to synchronize with my hearts desires to bond in healthy relationships with other hearts? I know there are a lot of people who know me asking the same questions about me. So many questions – but how are they asked and what will they be used to accomplish?

Unpacking Wrath More

It is of quite considerable interest to me to understand and explore the meaning and implications of the phrase “wrath of God revealed” (Rom. 1:18). I have been discovering the real truth about God's wrath for several years now and have even devoted a blogsite for collecting my findings on it. This truth about God is radically challenging much of my own belief system and has greatly improved my attitude toward Him. I really believe that as the truth about this subject becomes more and more exposed throughout the world that the glory of God will fill the earth as spoken of in Revelation 18. So it is with great interest that I want to take plenty of opportunity to see what God Himself has to say about this in the context immediately surrounding a place where He says it is revealed. I do not wish to become dogmatic or confrontational about the subject, but I do want to really grasp its significance and allow it to transform my heart much more as the truths about God become more evident and clear in my own consciousness.

As I meditate and consider the various words and phrases surrounding this text, I am looking for clues and connections that will lead like threads of gold to new insights. One method I use in my study is to condense sentences into their most compact form to more clearly see what is may be saying, since my mind can sometimes become easily confused with too many descriptives, adjectives etc. Then I also like to go back and check with the original language to find further clues that may expose even more hidden details and suggestions.

As I am looking at this sentence which includes v. 18 and 19 I find that the operative key words seem to come down to this – The wrath of God is revealed against men... who suppress the truth...because....

What my mind is grasping for is another analogy that depicts an obvious force, like the strength of a mighty river, that is being resisted. I recently used the analogy of a river for white-water rafting or tubing in the context of God's love and passion. Because I firmly believe that God's passionate love is really one and the same as what is interpreted as His wrath my fallen beings, that analogy still works very well. One does not necessarily notice the immense power of the current until they try to resist it.

That is the situation that I see emerging from these two verses. It is stated the truth being suppressed is evident within them and verse 20 expands that to say that it is also evident outside of them in all of creation. So when a person attempts to resist the obvious (like trying to conjure up rational excuses for evolution) they find themselves in intense resistance to self-evident truth. Living in that kind of lie requires tremendous amounts of denial and effort to justify and shore up untenable positions which is exactly what most of the world is doing today. It is almost a description of the classic question, “what happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object?” I think we may have just found the answer right here – the wrath of God is revealed. The laws of physics, which God invented in the first place, states that resistance produces heat. Given enough heat the elements composing that resistance will melt and disintegrate and “self-destruct”. Where does the blame lie? Well, that answer depends largely on how much you are resisting the real truth about God yourself. If one insists on clinging to the angry, vengeful God model of believing, then they will insist that the fault lies with God, that He runs out of patience and “gets even” with His enemies and explodes in (human style) wrath, torturing anyone who resists His overtures of affection for them.

This belief system is one of the most diabolical and heinous lies about God that Satan has ever invented. It is strongly promoted by nearly every world religion and assumed to be “gospel” truth by most Christians. Yet this teaching about God's character has caused more souls to turn away in sickening disgust from trusting themselves to God than possibly any other scheme of the Devil. No matter what version or variation of this belief we hold, if it includes believing that God's “wrath” is a reflection of sinful human wrath then we are attempting to force our view of God into our own image.

The very activity of teaching these ideas I believe is the suppression of the self-evident truth about God described in this passage. If this passage is to be understood, then we have to discover in the context clues as to what truth is being suppressed that causes the wrath of God to be revealed.

It is necessary to challenge the common assumption that the word “against” generally produces. The common belief is that it is God-initiated as well as a reflection of human-type wrath. When this assumption is allowed to go unchallenged we are already well down the road of misunderstanding and resisting the truth about God's character and personality, so we need to carefully consider what else this word may imply besides an angry God lashing out against homosexuals. Against can just as well be initiated by the resisters of God as well as from God's side of the relationship. So which side does the context reveal the resistance of “against” coming from?

It is extremely clear throughout the rest of the chapter and into the next that all of the resistance going on is coming from the side of sinners and not from God. God is simply being Himself, remaining consistent with “His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature”. He is an incorruptible God (23) so He cannot adapt to the faultiness that sin produces in those who were created originally in His image.

It is unrighteous people (opposite of righteous God) who suppress the truth, are without excuse, do not honor God or give thanks, profess to be wise but are fools, exchange the glory and truth of God for a lie, exchange natural function for unnatural and become filled with all the symptoms of unrighteousness described at the end of this chapter. And how does God respond to all of this? Does He get angry and thunder down condemnation on them? It simply states repeatedly that He gives them over to their choices and the natural consequences. The attribute that is revealed in these statements is more of a sad “releasing” of those who determinedly resist His love in contrast to a reactionary or arbitrary vengeance so often portrayed by religious philosophies. This is a most crucial truth that is foundational to correcting the lies about God and revealing the true righteousness of God to a confused and lost world frightened away from the very One who wants to save them.

If we do not want to be among those who are given over by God to the consequences of the lies of sin; if we do not want to be those who “exchange the glory of the incorruptible God for an image” of our own imagination that resembles the devil more than the truth about God, then we should take a serious look at accepting this beautiful truth about God that will liberate us from so many peripheral confusions and usher us onto the road to freedom in Christ.

(next in series)

Perfume Poured Out

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth-- for your love is more delightful than wine. Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the maidens love you! (Song of Solomon 1:2-3 NIV)

But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumphal procession, and through us spreads in every place the fragrance that comes from knowing him. For we are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing; to the one a fragrance from death to death, to the other a fragrance from life to life. Who is sufficient for these things? (2 Corinthians 2:14-16 NRSV)

I smelled the aroma of death and of life yesterday and this morning. It is that strange mingling of the two that challenges my heart to avoid the one and embrace the other. In the morning I attended a large church and was fading fast in my spirit through all the less than inspiring preliminaries so I made my way up to the video control room to touch base with people I used to work with and offer my services again. While up there I listened to the sermon and became deeply moved with both the message and the unusual passion with which it was delivered. It really connected with my heart and was needed and accepted.

In the afternoon I spent the rest of the day with one of my daughters and her friends. I found myself involved in discussions that were examining carefully some of their and my frustrations with how church or its alternatives are being carried out. We touched on a number of related subjects throughout the afternoon and I was trying at the same time to remain in awareness of the condition of my heart and spirit. At times in the intensity of my feelings during a discussion I find myself beginning to slip into a little bit of aggressiveness that begins to spoil the sweetness of the spirit that I want to maintain inwardly. I realize then that the mingling of aromas will send confusing messages to the hearts of others and I want to more carefully guard against being that kind of messenger.

I was blessed with the beginnings of heart connections with new people who I sensed shared some of the same desires and beliefs that I have. I tried to listen more openly to what different ones were sharing and try to pay attention to what their heart was trying to express behind their words. It is part of my effort to live more in awareness of the spirit realm and be more in touch with heaven's reality.

I ended the day with another heart-warming talk with a person very important in my life listening to their heart pains, their desires and their questions. I feel honored to be used at times as a channel of love, caring and blessing at these times and realize that in the process I receive strength, comfort and blessing myself. My heart feels more alive and synchronized at these times and I want to live that way more often and more consistently.

As I was waking up this morning I began talking with God about my feelings and listening to what He might have to share with my heart. It seemed more close and affectionate than usual and I lay there for awhile just enjoying the moments together. Later I opened my devotional book and the first text I read for today reminded me of something I had jotted down a few days ago and never finished putting together.

“Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.” (Ephesians 5:1-2 )

“Love was the element in which Christ moved and walked and worked. He came to embrace the world in the arms of His love. . . .” {SD 147}

Suddenly a number of things began to coalesce and I felt a picture of having the privilege of snuggling up on God's lap and kissing Him on the cheek while being hugged in His arms. My heart remembers that God is neither exclusively male or female but the ultimate expression of both depending on our needs. So to say “him” is strictly for the purpose of getting through the narrow limitations of language and cannot be used to define our relationship, particularly in this context.

It felt so comforting to be able to realize that God not only allows me to offer Him/Her my affections but deeply longs for me to become “addicted” to this relationship. This also felt relieving in that I do not feel guilty about these emotions like I would have a few years ago. My picture of God has been radically improving over my recent past allowing me to come closer to Him in intimacy in ways that would have frightened me not long ago. As I have chosen to believe and fill my mind with more truth about what He is really like I am less afraid to come closer in affectionate ways to Him and receive more of His affection for me.

Sometimes I feel reluctant to quote a number of texts to support what I am experiencing because of the bad taste I have experienced from so much proof-texting in my life and my church in the past. On the other hand I realize that linking my experience and my beliefs to the words that God has spoken will breath power into my experience that is inherent in His word as it springs to life in my heart. So when I use texts in these communications I am not trying to prove that what I am sharing is “right”, but I am simply relaying how these verses were a part of the process of God communicating His feelings, His thoughts and the truth about Himself to me.

As I pondered the exciting ideas in the first passage from Song of Solomon two main things caught my attention and drew it to a number of other places that God wanted me to think about. The first was the beauty of the smell, the intense attractiveness and lure of the perfume that is the essence of the presence of God. This perfume is a part of the identity of God and emerges in a number of interesting places and ways throughout the Bible. This perfume also appears to have opposite interpretations in the noses of those who smell it depending on what they believe about God, “to the one a fragrance from death to death, to the other a fragrance from life to life.” This ties directly into the parallel phrases about the righteousness of God revealed and the wrath of God revealed that I have been seeing in various places also.

This fragrance of God is linked very closely with the symbol of oil which was also used a great deal in the very instructive system of the sanctuary services. Oil is also a symbol of joy which is the source of our strength. That makes joy and perfume nearly synonymous which would make a lot of sense given what perfume is generally used for, especially in the context of the first verse quoted. Perfume “poured out” is here defined as an exhibition of God's “name”. That took my mind to a number of other verses that shed a lot of additional insight on this thought.

I remember at least two other places that talks about God and “pouring out”. The first was one of my favorite passages to camp out in over in Ezekiel 36. “Therefore I poured out my wrath on them for the blood which they had poured out on the land, and because they had defiled it with their idols; and I scattered them among the nations, and they were dispersed through the countries: according to their way and according to their doings I judged them. When they came to the nations, where they went, they profaned my holy name; in that men said of them, These are the people of Yahweh, and are gone forth out of his land. But I had regard for my holy name, which the house of Israel had profaned among the nations, where they went. Therefore tell the house of Israel, Thus says the Lord Yahweh: I don't do this for your sake, house of Israel, but for my holy name, which you have profaned among the nations, where you went. I will sanctify my great name, which has been profaned among the nations, which you have profaned in the midst of them; and the nations shall know that I am Yahweh, says the Lord Yahweh, when I shall be sanctified in you before their eyes.” (Ezekiel 36:18-23 WEB)

The other place that talks about “poured out” is in the words of Jesus at the last supper with His disciples as He shared the juice of the Passover service with them. He may very well have been thinking of the verse from Song of Solomon in His heart when He said, "This cup that is poured out for you is the new covenant in my blood.” (Luke 22:20) A covenant is the most intimate of relationships possible and is what marriage and the intimacy of sex is all about. Jesus was really opening His perfume bottle, His own body, containing the fragrance of God's name, His true identity, and offering it to us as an alluring attraction into the deepest intimacy of love with God that can ever be experienced. He did this by the breaking of His body (the perfume bottle) and the spilling out of His blood in His death for us (the full release of the fragrance of God's passionate love) so that we would drawn to desire God with the passion expressed in Song of Solomon 1:2-3.

As I soaked in these wonderful emotions from God I put on my headphones and listened to a song from the group Selah that has been so enriching for my heart many times. The music and the words lift me higher and closer into the presence of this sweet perfume.

"You Raise Me Up" When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary; When troubles come and my heart burdened be; Then, I am still and wait here in the silence, Until you come and sit awhile with me. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up... To more than I can be. There is no life, no life without its hunger; Each restless heart beats so imperfectly; But then you come, and I am filled with wonder; Sometimes I think, I glimpse eternity. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up... To more than I can be. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up... To more than I can be. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up... To more than I can be. You raise me up... To more than I can be.

Lyrics by Josh Groban

Reading the Unread

There's something strange and hard to describe going on in my mind when I go back and read posts that I have written. I have been trying to analyze the different feelings and symptoms that I can capture but I'm not sure that is all there is going on inside.

When I read them I often get the strong feeling that I don't recognize or remember those thoughts while at the same time it is familiar enough that part of me remembers enough of it to recognize that I was the one who wrote them. Actually I seldom go back and read them, which is a whole other set of emotions going on inside me. Again, part of me is almost astonished at what I am reading and I wonder why I don't read them more because they seem so applicable to practical life. And yet another part of me recoils at even thinking that way because is smacks so much of pride and arrogance which is one of the main reasons I find it difficult to go back and read them – it makes me feel guilty and accused for my false pride.

On the other hand, my pride seems more like a temptation than a reality because I am quite certain that many of the things I have written could not possibly have come from my own wisdom because I simply don't have that kind of capacity, so it must simply be some sort of expression of a little bit of God's thinking that He shares with me. But to think that also invokes my anti-pride sentinel which again sets off alarms about making claims that God is speaking through me and how arrogant and dangerous that must be.

Did I say this is all very complicated in my emotions and thinking? If you are confused by now I must be expressing myself somewhat accurately. Even putting this all down in writing seems a bit arrogant and presumptuous. But since it won't leave me alone and I promised one of my readers that I was going to post on this topic soon, I feel obliged to bare this part of my soul as well. I'm not sure that expressing this in the open will resolve these confusions or simply complicate them but here they are for whatever comes of them. If nothing else, I suspect that maybe I am not the only one struggling with these conflicting inner voices. I suppose that this is simply another attempt at being more open and honest about who I am and how I feel even if it is not terribly coherent or profound or tidy.

So, now that I have quickly covered the major items in this issue, let me start over at the beginning and maybe it will help clear my mind a little more. Part of me desires to go back and read many of the things that I have written simply for the refreshing of my mind of what I believe God has shared with me. I need reminding of many of these things and am often quite surprised that I have so quickly forgotten much of what I find there even in very recent posts. Of course there is the added advantage of finding all of the grammatical errors that need to be corrected. Unfortunately I very seldom edit anything I write except what I do on the fly. I seldom even reread it when I am finished and simply post it as is which sometimes can be confusing and not particularly accurate as to what I had in mind. This is partly due to lack of time and partly to the inspiration of the moment.

I find that I need to be somewhat inspired in some way to be able to write effectively. I need to have the emotions of the thoughts somewhere near the surface if not overflowing to be able to express myself more accurately. Even when I am writing about things I see emerging from immersion in the Word I need to at least have an initial insight as a catalyst to get me started. As I have written previously about this area, I usually find that the very act of writing seems to open up a channel in my mind and the thoughts and connections begin to flow quickly and I generally find myself just following them wherever they lead me without knowing where I may end up until I get there.

But this is not about writing but about reading it later. Maybe another reason I feel reticent to reread some of the things that are recorded is that I may feel guilty that I have forgotten so quickly things that seem so obviously associated with me since I am the one that wrote them. That may seem a little silly but that is how I feel. When I read these things I realize that anyone else who may have read them will assume that these thoughts define how I feel and believe all the time. That is where the internal confusion comes in. Since I can't remember many of these things immediately or maybe even at all, I am afraid that people will think I am two-faced or maybe even disingenuous. I secretly fear that someday someone will come up to me and start questioning me about things I have written and then become very disillusioned or even upset with me and judge me because I will not be able to recall or immediately connect with ideas that I have previously expressed. I suppose this is flushing out my fears of what people think about me and my lifelong issue of image management. Maybe people will think that I am not honest. That has been a hot-button issue for me most of my life for whatever reason.

Some time ago I was going through some old papers in my garage and came upon a paper written many years ago. As I read through it I became literally sick to my stomach and wondered who could have written such an attack on the things I feel so strongly about. Very slowly I began to sense that indeed it must have been myself that wrote this so many years ago when I was nearly diametrically opposite in many of my beliefs to what I am now. I was so sick about what I was reading that I threw the paper away so no one else would find it and become discouraged.

That brings up another concern that has lodged in my mind over the years. I have touched on this as well in previous posts. If I write about things that are still in incubation in my life and later I become quite different in my views I feel vulnerable having my previous ideas still available to be used “against” me in a way. I suppose this is a very common fear in many who write in this way, but I find them a part of my thoughts lurking in the shadows.

Some have confronted me about writing my thoughts and posting them on the web asserting that I am avoiding direct dialog with others in person by doing this. I will have to agree in that it does feel much safer to write very vulnerable things about my feelings and place them where there is very little chance of most people who know me ever reading them and talking to me about them. Not that I don't want to interact on this level with people. In fact, the very reason I have been doing this over the past few months is to jump start myself into being more open and honest and vulnerable in hopes that I could begin connecting to people on a deeper level. How that is going to happen through this medium I am not completely sure, but at least it is a beginning for me and so far I have had a few very satisfying conversations with one or two people as a result of their reading my blog. I have also met a few others who seem to have similar interests that I would likely never have met if not for this medium which have encouraged me at times.

I guess this is a step up from the many years that I simply wrote out my feelings in a notebook or on a pad when I could not contain them any longer and then simply slid them under my chair or hid them in a drawer never to be seen or read again. Many of those apparently have been lost over the years and in the various moves we have made and I sometimes wish I could go back and find them just to reacquaint myself with where I have come from.

I have been struggling with this post for a number of days now trying to squeeze out what is inside. After I finished my last attempt last night and went to bed it was like something opened up another cavity in my mind about this, something like an unexplored cave with important aspects I had not yet been able to uncover. The question came to my mind, “Who do you think these things you have written were intended for – you or other people 'out there'?”

Well, the conspicuous answer would not be others. If all these things were intended for others then I have been doing a great amount of avoidance and have an enormous ego thinking that I am the selected messenger for everyone else's edification. NOT! The almost exclusive reason I have written any of these things is to capture them externally so that I would not lose what I felt were important lessons and insights that God has entrusted to me for my own growth, nourishment and discipline. Any other benefits to anyone else looking in were strictly peripheral or incidental. Yes, sharing what has been going on inside my head offers the opportunity for others to connect with me at a deeper level which would be a wonderful blessing for me, but the thoughts and insights were not intended to instruct others, though many times I have to remind myself of that when I am tempted to apply convicting passages to others before myself.

Then the next impression exploded in my mind and I wondered why I had not thought of it much sooner in my attempt to unpack this subject. Maybe, it just might be in God's plan for me to use others who are interested enough to “read my mind” in my shared musings and have a sense of what is going on in my soul and watching my heart grow; just maybe, from their perspective and objectivity, God might use them at important times to remind me of who I really am when I forget myself.

One reason that I have been trying to gather together the various things I have been learning and experiencing is to discover my true identity. Since my mind is not sharp enough to recall all of these things in one nice big picture (I have a difficult time remembering what I wrote just yesterday) maybe God will use others who have more capacity and objectivity to see patterns and aspects about my identity that I cannot perceive from my viewpoint. Maybe God intends for my self-exposing communications to be a means of linking me into closer community relationships with others. And isn't that the real definition of what it means to live in true community?

By what I have been learning about the subject of living in community recently, this kind of living involves being much more open, honest, accepting and interdependent emotionally as well as physically and spiritually. It is an environment ideally where people care about each other and challenge each other in a spirit of kindness and compassion to grow, to face their fears in a safe circle of friends standing guard to protect their heart, and to give them extra capacity in times when they are overwhelmed and cannot see reality. It is an environment where genuine friends are always nearby to remind one of their true identity and affirm them in their growth and their gifts. These are friends to help expose the fact that much of what we have believed about ourselves is really based on our false identity displayed through our mistakes, our failures and our triggers. They remind us that these things do not define who we really are, that our externals do not often reflect the true heart that God implanted in us and designed for us to live from. That, to me, is what I have been learning (theoretically) about the meaning of community.

I have been hearing a lot of interested talk about community lately, but I have been also puzzled that many who eagerly discourse on this idea seem to often live in relative isolation, withdrawing into their private families to process their problems and try to hide their issues from others. I am certain there are plenty of very strong and valid arguments in favor of these actions, but in my mind it still seems to fly in the face of much of what they are claiming and promoting about community. So I still continue to keep my eyes open and my heart cautiously keeps peering around the corner to see if I might stumble onto a real demonstration of community that would be safe to participate in. I firmly believe that God fully intends for us to live much more openly and connectedly than most of us do now.

So – maybe I should go back and reread what I have written to remind myself of what God has been doing in my past and has been sharing with my heart. Maybe I should face my trepidations and see if they are valid or are just stumblingblocks that the enemy is trying to use to thwart me from growing more. Of course that takes time that has to be prioritized and removed from other activities. Maybe I have to learn to receive more graciously the reminders from others of who I really am as they see me through the eyes of heaven in ways I have difficulty seeing myself. That too, raises a certain amount of trepidation, but also anticipation as well. Maybe God is working at the grass roots level, even with the internet, to form and shape His family community through these communications. Maybe....

The Lazy Lawnmower

I have been slowly working on some other posts the last few days that are not yet finished and that I may end up back-dating when I post them. But this morning God gave me an analogy of my own current experience in something that happened to me yesterday.

I went over to another daughter's house to borrow a lawn mower to mow the back yard where I am staying. It is an old mower and I tested it out before I brought it over to see if it would start. It took a number of pulls but it finally started up but then I couldn't get it to turn off without finding something to short out the spark plug. So I filled it with gas and loaded it up in my van.

When I arrived here and unloaded it I again got it started up and began mowing the small yard but it only ran for about a minute before quitting. I knew then that I was in for some frustration. My emotions were already raw about a related situation and I was trying very hard not to be upset. I wondered if the mower almost had a mind of its own and was determined to add to my frustration.

I tried repeatedly to start it again but to no avail. It was very difficult to pull the cord to start with and sometimes it would slip and send me stumbling backwards. The motor would almost start – I could hear it slightly firing and trying to run a little, but not enough to get going. Each time I pulled with all my strength and each time it seemed it was a little closer to running. It would keep turning over a little longer each time but only half-heartedly so I knew it would give up soon. To add to my frustration I didn't have any starter fluid to spray into the air cleaner to give it a power boost.

After some time of this with the mower running lazily for maybe 15-20 seconds and giving up, I decided to take off the air cleaner and see if it was clogged up. When I looked at it it seemed to not be that bad but I decided to try starting it without the air cleaner on just in case that might help.

Sure enough, it started right up and I let it run for a bit before replacing the cleaner and cover, hoping that it wouldn't die in the process. It did keep running at that point so I proceeded to shove and wrestle the old thing around the small yard hoping it wouldn't die and make me go through all of that again. It seemed unusually difficult to push to some reason, maybe the wheels were set too low or maybe it was just worn out on the frame, I am not sure. But I wondered if maybe I was supposed to be learning something from this experience as I shoved, kicked and dragged the mower from one end to another, at the same time wrestling with my own emotions.

A few minutes ago this experience came back to me after I read the devotional for today in Sons and Daughter's of God about Jesus' experience with His immediate family and their lack of support and sympathy for Him. The thought came to me that I am a lot like that old, worn-out mower that is so sluggish and lazy to start up. Over the past few years God has invested a lot of training and blessings into my life, but I still find myself dragged down by internal conflicts, interfering cravings of the flesh and a general lack of spiritual intensity. Oh, I am not dead or completely lifeless. Like that old mower I show signs of promise that there is hope that I will get fired up and become usable yet. But also like that mower I find myself running for maybe a little longer after each infusion of inspiration and encouragement but not very strong or completely committed. The text just came to my mind, “let us also lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us”. (Heb. 12:1)

I want to see myself as God sees me, to have the eyes of heaven not only in my view of others but to be able to see my own true condition. I believe there are two things to see about myself that are possibly very different – my true identity based in the heart that God implanted in me, and a real view of the sick condition of my soul that remains mostly self-deceived and complacent and satisfied with my weak, short attempts at abundant living like that half-working lawnmower engine. As long as I am just barely running but not up to usable speed like that lazy mower I am not very useful in the service of my Lord. In the words of the text, I am still carrying around a lot of extra weights that keep me running very slow instead of sprinting energetically and with alacrity .

I am praying for two things right now: (1) That I can see myself without the filters of my own pride and defensiveness that are so firmly in place and (2) that I can become fully ignited, passionate for God and fully on fire for whatever purposes He wants to use me for. I want to let go of my dependence on the crutches and weights and emotional gimmicks that I depend on to protect myself and trust fully in the One who is the only source of satisfaction, energy and real life for my own soul. I know this sounds all too idealistic, and it has obviously been filtered through my left-brain array of cliche´s and metaphors. But it is still an attempt to express what my real heart desires and longs for. Whatever it takes – an overhaul of my engine, a tune-up, better fuel, whatever, I give God permission to do His work in my soul and transform me into whatever He has in His heart for me. And when He is finished I trust I will be most happy and satisfied with the results because I know it is in His heart to bless me and make me a channel of blessing for His reputation's sake.

I don't usually repost a post, but I can't help myself this morning. After I had finished the above writing and posted it I read the thoughts in My Utmost for His Highest for today and could not miss the direct application, the answer that God had for my musings toady. So I feel compelled to pass them on.

“Behold the fowls of the air... Consider the lilies of the field.” Matt. 6:26,28

“Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they simply are! Think of the sea, the air, the sun, the stars and the moon – all these are, and what a ministration they exert. So often we mar God's designed influence through us by our self-conscious effort to be consistent and useful. Jesus says that there is only one way to develop spiritually, and that is by concentration on God. 'Do not bother about being of use to others: believe on Me' – pay attention to the Source, and out of you will flow rivers of living water. We cannot get at the springs of our natural life by common sense, and Jesus is teaching that growth in spiritual life does not depend on our watching it, but on concentration on our Father in heaven. Our heavenly Father knows the circumstances we are in, and if we keep concentrated on Him we will grow spiritually as the lilies.

“The people who influence us most are not those who buttonhole us and talk to us, but those who live their lives like the stars in heaven and the lilies in the field, perfectly simply and unaffectedly. Those are the lives that mold us.

“If you want to be of use to God, get rightly related to Jesus Christ and He will make you of use unconsciously every minute you live.”