Reflections from the Abyss

“Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows. Therefore everyone who confesses Me before men, I will also confess him before My Father who is in heaven. But whoever denies Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven. Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.” (Matthew 10:31-34 NAS95)

This text came to my mind this morning in the context of the experience that I am currently going through. My motives and character and my relationship with Jesus are being presented publicly by certain individuals as being diabolical and calculatingly evil. This, of course, reflects on the reputation of God whose name I have taken and profess to be connected to.

Some people believe that I am afraid to speak the “truth” as they believe it to be, and insist that until I “confess” my “wicked motives” that they have convinced themselves are “the facts” that I am living in a delusion and represent a dangerous threat to society. The problem I face right now is not only the rupture of some very dear relationships in my life but the subtle twists on the true definitions of these words and the open character assassination launched on my reputation. For me to attempt to defend myself against the carefully assembled “evidence” would only serve to appear to vindicate their false conclusions about my motives. I have not denied that I made serious errors in judgment and have made mistakes that have deeply hurt other people. But to supposedly confess that my motives at the time were evil, calculating attempts to exploit them would require that I engage in lies about what I was actually feeling, believing and trying to do at the time. Basically I am being demanded to become the very person I am accused of being in the eyes of my accusers.

I have not wanted to write about this because I do not want to enter into public debate that will only end in much more pain and alienation. God's reputation has already been maligned and familiar accusations of His inability to do in my life what He has promised He can do are flying fast. I have found that my main effective source of life and strength during this excruciating time of my life is what God says about me and His perspective found in the Bible free of distortions of the real enemy. For I realize also that the real enemy is not the people who are presently accusing me but the original “accuser of the brethren” who uses every chance he can to malign God's character through failures in the lives of those in whom He is working to restore His image.

I have made every attempt I know how to do, short of engaging in lying, to confess my faults, ask for forgiveness of wounded parties and seek reconciliation. At this point there appears to be no interest for any reconciliation from the other parties which has created pain in my heart that currently has no healing. It is not primarily my own loss of reputation and misrepresented motives that I grieve but the intense attachment pain that is very much like the death of a close loved one or a divorce.

During this time I have been struggling to know how to relate to this situation and how to think. I have been bombarded with intense suggestions from the enemy to react in all sorts of wrong ways, to indulge in retaliation, bitterness or counter-attack. There is intense temptation to sink into self-pity and despondency or solicit sympathy from others who are not yet swayed by this slander. It is easy to see that the arguments used against me may be reflective of the spirit of the ones employing them. But if I engage in launching a defense for myself I will find myself indulging in the same spirit as my accusers and will fall into the very trap that I am alleged to already be in.

I realize that this is a steep learning and growing experience for me though it is extremely painful. I have chosen to be very open about my mistakes and be vulnerable and honest with those who have confronted me after hearing of this matter. To do anything else would only create further complications that would undermine my already questionable reputation. Many of the things that I have been learning and writing about over the past year are suddenly being challenged to be practiced under extreme pressure. Temptation to indulge in “image management” has been very intense. I had been collecting thoughts in a writing about self-justification for a week or two before this started and suddenly all those things were required to be considered under high pressure. Receiving strength from the Word and remembering my true identity that God is forming within my heart became the focal point of the intense battle swirling around me. The need for true friends who not only know the truth about me but would be willing to challenge, encourage and remind me of not only who I really am but of what God has said about me, became very evident and obviously lacking. The dangers of isolation in a time like this also became more stark as the pain and emotions became overwhelming at times with no one around that I felt safe with to share them. I am being given opportunity to learn many lessons that, if successfully learned, will certainly be called into further use in the future. I was reminded of the text in James that invites me to “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds (complex ones), because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. (James 1:2-5 NIV)

Yesterday and today the readings from My Utmost were very instructive and relevant for me in this crisis. Especially yesterday's thoughts on Peter's experience walking on the water in the middle of a wild storm applied to my situation perfectly. I have come to realize the crucial importance of getting my focus off of problems and accusations and onto Jesus Himself and what He has to think and say.

“The wind was actually boisterous, the waves were actually high, but Peter did not see them at first. He did not reckon with them, he simply recognized his Lord and stepped out in recognition of Him, and walked on the water. Then he began to reckon with the actual things, and down he went instantly.

...If you are recognizing your Lord, you have no business with where He engineers your circumstances. The actual things are, but immediately you look at them you are overwhelmed, you cannot recognize Jesus, and the rebuke comes: 'Wherefore did you doubt?' Let actual circumstances be what they may, keep recognizing Jesus, maintain complete reliance on Him.

If you debate for a second when God has spoken, it is all up. Never begin to say – 'Well, I wonder if He did speak?' Be reckless immediately, fling it all out on Him. You do not know when His voice will come, but whenever the realization of God comes in the faintest way imaginable, recklessly abandon. It is only by abandon that you recognize Him. You will only realize His voice more clearly by recklessness.” (MUHH 6/18)

Today's reading (6/19) reminded me sharply that discipleship is not adherence to a belief or creed but is based on devotion to Jesus Christ. “There is no argument and no compulsion, but simply – 'If you would be My disciple, you must be devoted to Me.' ...If I am devoted to the cause of humanity only, I will soon be exhausted and come to the place where my love will falter; but if I love Jesus Christ personally and passionately, I can serve humanity though men treat me as a doormat. The secret of a disciple's life is devotion to Jesus Christ, and the characteristic of the life is its unobtrusiveness.”

The greatest pressure that I have felt over the past week is to deny my relationship and dependence on Jesus and to abandon my attempts to live from my heart. Because of the subtle nature of the charges leveled against me it has been made to appear that my relationship with God is only a cover for a “depraved cravings seeking to exploit others for personal gratification.” There is no effective defense against such accusations but to leave it in God's hands who is the only one capable of revealing the true motives and intents of the heart.

The text brought to me this morning about confessing Jesus is this very application. To "confess" means to agree with someone. The main focus of this controversy is whether I can be pressured into agreeing with those who are certain they can read my motives and my heart better than either I can or God can, or whether I will agree with what I already know to be true both from my own experience and from what God says about me in His Word and through His Spirit. I have been very surprised at how intense the internal pressure has been from the cacophony of internal suggestions from false gods to compromise away what God has been growing inside of me over the past few years. Basically I am being pressured to discount everything I have been learning and receiving and internalizing from God in exchange for a temporary appeasement which would not even lead to any reconciliation or healing. It doesn't make any sense but the pressure is still there nonetheless.

I want to be very careful not to paint my accusers in a bad light by attacking their reputations and give cause for them to become discouraged when they realize later what they have really done. I love them dearly even though they do not believe that right now and I want them to experience God's love for themselves as I have been learning it slowly over the past few years. I cannot communicate with them at the present because they have cut off all ties with me, but I want to do everything possible to keep the road unblocked for reconciliation whenever God softens the hearts of everyone involved. While I still suffer intense pain at the loss of our close friendship and pray for God to open all of our hearts to the real truth and for us to see things through the eyes and with the Spirit of heaven, I have to leave them in God's hands to work out His plans in His time and with His methods. I know of nothing else I can do that will contribute toward this end and have to trust in the goodness and kindness and faithfulness of God to win our hearts in the end.

While this has been very devastating to my family emotionally, I also believe in the ability of God, “that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28 NIV) God has called all of us for His purpose and He has the wonderful ability to take the most filthy messes and produce the most spectacular outcomes if we are willing to let Him be trusted with control. I choose to trust Him with this problem and receive from Him whatever He wants to do in my life and in my family.

“For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, 'who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in his mouth;' and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously; and He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed. For you were continually straying like sheep, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Guardian of your souls.” (1 Peter 2:21-25 NAS95)

During this past week I have been collecting different texts that come to my mind as reminders of God's thoughts or as warnings, precautions or assurances. As I stopped to listen this morning for another word from God I opened my Bible at random and received this new assurance.

O Lord, be gracious to us; we have waited for You. Be our strength every morning, Our salvation also in the time of distress.

The Lord is exalted, for He dwells on high; He has filled Zion with justice and righteousness. And He will be the stability of your times, A wealth of salvation, wisdom and knowledge; The fear of the Lord is his treasure. (Isaiah 33:2, 5-6 NAS95)