Jealousy or Joy

Those God places around me are quite often the ones who tend to trigger my faults and negative reactions the most easily. How I choose to respond to this situation determines whether or not I will grow spiritually, emotionally and socially.

The counterfeit system of religion that I am more familiar with than the true, generally causes me to try to avoid such uncomfortable interactions and to instead look for people who make me feel better about myself rather than trigger me. I don't think it is wrong or bad to have people around who want to encourage me or remind me of who I am in Christ; I think that is actually very important for all of us to have those people in our circle of friends. But the idea that I should be able to live outside the troubling atmosphere of those who more often trigger me than encourage me is a philosophy inherent in my old system of religion, not the real truth that I am now learning about how God intends to mature me.

I am trying to perceive my areas of blindness concerning this. I am praying for a different perspective, not only intellectually but far more importantly emotionally in the heart. I want to overcome my fears of those who can influence or control me with their ability to ignite my internal lies that anchor the handles by which I can be manipulated. I want to come into much closer alignment with God's way of thinking and feeling so that I will be the one exerting the stronger influence of attraction on behalf of Jesus instead of being the one operating under the influence of fear (OUI).

I want to be holy. That means that I want to be a person who's supreme desire is to exclusively draw attention to the beauties of God and His characteristics. I want to have the kind of influence on others that was seen in John the Baptist that caused Jesus to declare that "among those born of women there is no one greater than John; yet he who is least in the kingdom of God is greater than he." (Luke 7:28)

These words have always seemed like a riddle to me, and I still am puzzled by them yet today. But I know that a very strong clue as to their true meaning is rooted in the attitude that permeated the life and activities of John and that are most clearly seen in his own testimony about his lifework and his true identity.

He who has the bride is the bridegroom; but the friend of the bridegroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly because of the bridegroom's voice. So this joy of mine has been made full. He must increase, but I must decrease. (John 3:29-30)

Those words about joy really resonate with a deep craving in my own heart. I so much desire to have a joy that is full and overflowing. It was this joy that was seen in the life of John that made him such a powerful and effective witness to attract people away from all the disappointing attractions offered by the world and to open their minds and hearts to consider heaven's offering in the Peace Child. Yes, I want to have the spirit of John the Baptist that gets excited about others getting excited about falling in love with Jesus and becoming His bride.

But another dark part of me is jealous and wants to play the role of the bride myself. And even worse, a dark part of me wants to steal away some of the affections of the bride from others to enjoy for myself instead of living to point others exclusively toward the only legitimate Bridegroom. This part of me rationalizes that there is plenty of love to go around and if people attach some of their affections onto me while I am sharing the beauty of Jesus with them there should not be much harm done. By indulging in this “flirtation” my own emptiness might be satisfied to some extent by enjoying a part of their affections while they should still have plenty left to connect their hearts to God as well.

But this kind of reasoning, no matter how subconscious or obscure it may try to remain, is another symptom of a deeply embedded lie in my soul that will betray both me and God's plans into the schemes of the enemy to undermine what God is accomplishing in the hearts of His children. This is where true holiness must be strictly understood and uncompromisingly obeyed. There can be no dividing of anyone's affections. Not only must my affections be totally surrendered to the Lover of my soul, my Savior and Redeemer, but likewise I must be just as jealous as John the Baptist was that the loyalty of every person coming to know Jesus is not diverted in the slightest by anything I may crave for my own heart. I must embrace fully the spirit of John the Baptist who lived his whole life to attract others exclusively to Jesus. John exhibited a complete and selfless commitment for the glory of Jesus. He must increase, but I must decrease.

To imagine that my joy could be made full by decreasing my importance in the eyes of others runs counter to everything that seems intuitive, but that is just the problem. Everything that feels intuitive almost always emanates from the flesh, and the flesh will always, always steer me in the wrong direction and give me answers that sometimes sound and feel correct but will in the end betray my heart.

Logic, reason and feelings tell me that to feel good about myself and to have joy I must cause others to like me, to want to be around me and to speak well of me. So I try to manipulate what people think about me through various means so that I can have as many people as possible affirming me, so that my fears and self-doubts can be reduced as much as possible. I naturally tend to try to use religion and religious activities to influence what others think about me so that they will maybe speak well of me sometimes and praise me for being such an upright, noble, true-hearted Christian.

It frightens me deeply to even give voice to these inner realities, for when they become exposed to the light of expression they also take on the darker shades of falsehood and hypocrisy that betray their true nature. To even acknowledge that these kinds of feelings and motives exist inside of me is shaming and causes me to want to deny them as really true. But to do that would be to once again hide from the very light of truth that is necessary if I am to ever to be free and experience the kind of full joy that John talked about.

I wish I could say that I have this all sorted out and have the answers neatly packed away and functioning in my heart. But that would not be true and would only be a denial of reality. I also wish that I could describe just how this condition is going to change, how from now on I am going to be completely transparent, honest, loving, unselfish and dedicated like John to drawing everyone around me into a passionate intimacy with Jesus while I am willing to stand by and watch them all pass me by and forget about me in the process.

I can say that I know I should be this kind of person. I do know that this is the true role that God wants me to fulfill. And I suspect that this is likely the only course that will lead me to that state of full joy that I so long to live in each day. But to say that this is what I am going to do and be from this point on would be the height of presumption – except for the catalyst of the presence of Jesus in my life that can accomplish the impossible in and through me.

As I look at my relationships with those around me, in my family and my church not to mention my almost total lack of any meaningful relationships with others in my community, I see very little evidence of the disposition described in these words from John the Baptist. No wonder my life has so little influence for God. But that is not to say that I am ready to just remain stuck in my impotence and fears. I cry out to God for deliverance from this evil man that controls me from within. I want to be transformed from the person described in Romans 7 to the joy-filled, Spirit-led life described in Romans 8. And all that I know to do to get there from here is to throw myself on the mercy and grace of God and trust Him to continue to guide and change and grow me.

God, I have such mixed motives down under the cover of looking good on the outside. Thank-you for exposing some of these to me this morning. I don't know how You are going to change me but I give You unconditional permission to do whatever it takes to transform my heart and mind and life into what You have in mind for me, even though saying that is very frightening. Continue to reveal more of Your glory to me and more of Your intense beauty. I want to be a clean, holy, passionate channel of Your glory to everyone who sees me just like John, Your friend was back when You started Your ministry on earth. Have Your way in me today. Fill me with Your humility, Your love, Your spirit of instant forgiveness, Your overwhelming kindness, Your grace for anyone who offends me today. Glorify Your name in my life and in the atmosphere around me today.