gods of fear

My mind has been pondering this issue of fear, false gods and the glory of God. It is becoming more and more clear how anything that I allow to dwell in my mind or heart that makes me afraid empowers an idol within me and ends up controlling me.

Realizing this is an undeniable truth, I start to face one by one some of the fears that my mind naturally avoids and tries not to think about. With the presence of God and resting in His peace, I am able to face these fears head-on without being intimidated as I usually am. They may or may not leave immediately – that is not a prerequisite for facing them. That is God's job and He is well up to doing what He does. What He wants is my willingness and cooperation to face these with Him and let Him explain and expose them while I agree with His revelations to me.

As I remember the principles I learned from Theophostic ministry, this is the process of letting God take me to the deepest roots of my problems and pain, exposing the embedded lies that have kept that dysfunction in place for so long, and then asking God to directly speak His truth into that memory which expels the lie and implants healing joy in its place. Applying this ministry to my own life has been slow in coming but it is one of God's ways of maturing me and preparing me for fuller use for Him.

As I lay in bed this morning I focused on a few of my fears and asked God to address them. I thought of a man whom I have been afraid of all my life and who I am very careful not to know about this blog site. I know if he were to read my thoughts as I share them here he would launch an attack on me and my beliefs that would be overwhelmingly painful to my heart. So I have simply been very careful to warn others who know him not to know about this. I feel that I simply don't have the stomach for that much pain right now.

God began to point out to me this morning that while it may not be healthy for him or me for him to read these things right now, my life-long fear of him is an internal idol that is inhibiting God's power in my life. If my God is not much larger and more capable and protective of me than this man's threat to my peace, then I am actually worshiping him as a threat to me more than I am trusting God to keep me in peace. I don't want to live like that any longer. Father, I choose to trust in your protection, your compassion, your heart for me more than the power of this fear that has kept me in bondage all my life. Reveal yourself to me and your real feelings about me more clearly to dispel the darkness of this fear and break its spell over me with your love.

I think of the threatening letters I have received over the years from certain entities that have often filled me with so much fear that at times I could not eat or sleep. God has used many of those times to teach me the power of turning my focus totally on Him and choosing to fill my mind with His presence until the fear was beaten back and I could feel “normal” again. It is something few people can understand or discuss intelligently with me without condemning me so it has mostly been a very private battle for me. It has forced me to repeatedly search my heart and review my past decisions that have brought me to this place and I repeatedly put in back into God's hands and choose to trust Him with my life and well-being. It certainly has been a strong growing experience for me and has made me unique from most people around me. But it has forced me to practice trust and be real with God when I cannot see light in front of me.

This fear too, tries to assert idol powers over my soul and my life. I can see how most people around me are blindly beholden to its fierce control in their lives and it influences everything they do. That, however, is not for me to judge in any way. I am only responsible for my decisions and that is plenty for me. This too I keep putting into His hands and asking for the “fear of the Lord” to be greater than my fear of this hideous power. I am a child of God and nothing can touch me without His permission.

I thought about my fears of what people think or say about me. It is amazing how much that fear really affects me and exposes how much I still derive my feelings of worth and identity from those around me. Intellectually I know that all of that should come from God alone, but as I can see in my careful management of appearances I am still unduly controlled by this god of fear. I want to be healed of this affliction and become a different man as God has declared I am to be.

Sometimes lately I have had pangs of fear about putting all these musings out for anyone in the world to read. I know I am setting myself up for potential “disaster” and sometimes I think it would be wiser to pull everything off the site and go back to the “safety” of hiding all my feelings within me. I feel this even though I have not yet received one negative comment about anything I have written so far. That shows how much this fear is rooted internally and wants to control my destiny and relationships.

These false gods can never be convinced to change their minds and be converted. They cannot be reasoned with and will not compromise. They only relief from their domination in my soul is expulsion and replacement with total submersion in truth and the Spirit of Truth.

As I was reading this morning I came across reference to this verse and wondered about its relevance to what I have been thinking about. “For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison.” (2 Corinthians 4:17 NAS95) I looked up the word “weight” in the original Greek and saw that it also means abundance. I felt impressed that this glory and its abundance is being produced by God's work of removing the false gods and their control in my heart which allows His glory to be reflected more accurately through me. The more fully I focus on God's glory, on living to benefit His reputation, the more these dark areas of my life will be exposed to the light and will release their stranglehold on me.

I am reminded again of Ezekiel 36:25-28. "Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will be careful to observe My ordinances. You will live in the land that I gave to your forefathers; so you will be My people, and I will be your God."

Addictions and Blessing

Addictions are like leaks in our pipes that siphon off the life God intends to flow through us for our maturity and the blessing of others. Maturity often involves growing pains, and addictions by nature are pain-avoidance. Addictions are pleasure indulgences to avoid real growth. No matter how dysfunctional or self-defeating they are there is some kind of pay-back involved. It often involves pain-avoidance. It may also involve identity buffering. We are all craving a sense of worth, of identity and value. Addictive relationships and activities subtly or not so subtly often promise value-adding for our inner selves or at least prevention of value-subtraction.

As I was thinking in the shower this morning I recalled a conversation I had recently with someone about my confrontation with my Mom many years ago after being “turned in” for sneaking out at night to watch TV at the neighbor's house. I mentioned to them that the reason I was so angry during that discussion was because I was being forced to give up my only means of escape and coping that I used to deal with all the internal emotional pain I was suffering. I was using television as a drug to ease my pain by giving me repeated fixes just like any addict does.

This morning it suddenly hit me as the dots began to connect even more. Maybe the reason I am having so much internal conflict over watching videos at this point in my life is tied directly to that time in my life that is still yet unresolved. The entity in my life that cared the most for me was asking me to give up my addiction but I saw nothing to address and resolve the underlying reason for the addiction. Therefore I was filled with internal rage over the apparent unfairness of the options. My only apparent choice was to stuff my pain and anger even deeper while trying harder to conform to rules of performance.

Looking back on it, I wished Mom had better understood the deeper issues and had tried to address the real pain that was driving my dysfunction. But come to think of it, she had probably tried to do just that but I refused to respond to her. At that point she felt she had to deal with my external behavior whether or not I would allow her access to my inner feelings. Whatever was going on, from my perspective in my heart I was being forced to relinquish my primary source of coping, the pleasure I felt from scaling the roof at night and spending hours escaping into the artificial world of television where life is much better and more exciting. The option of facing the pain in my life, of being honest about my feelings and problems and opening up to another, allowing them to be with me and help me work through my pain, that option simply seemed non-existent in my mind. I did not perceive anyone as safe enough to trust with my inner emotions and struggles. Legalism and abuse had closed me in so tight that I was experiencing many symptoms of schizophrenia at this point in my life. I didn't trust anyone and no one was safe enough to open up to. Besides, expressing one's feelings was viewed as failure of self-control and was a threat to the reputation of the family.

The dots that connected this morning was that maybe I am still playing out that scenario over and over even at this point in my life because I am really still stuck at that place in my growth. Maybe the entity that claims to love me the most now, God, is viewed by my still immature mind as being unfair and harsh in demanding that I give up my life-long escape addition while subconsciously I still believe there is nothing to effectively replace it. So I have a mysterious compulsion inside of me that can always come up with a very plausible reason why this time is an exception or maybe I just don't need a reason. I still get the same pleasure I did back then. It still provides an escape from reality that it did back then.

Only now, the reality that I am escaping from is very different in some respects from what it was then. But in other respects it is still similar. I still have a lot of pain associated with strained attachments to significant people in my life. But in other ways I am more competent and free and equipped to address my problems and either resolve them or release them. My current compulsion with this addiction is no longer reasonable, so to speak, or as explainable as it was back then. It now smells very suspiciously like the presence of yet another false god asserting authority over my will against my better knowledge.

Now the reality that I am taken away from is actually more of the real reality that I want to live in. My growing connection with God, my awareness of His protection and compassion and presence is the reality that I strive to live in more and more. This is the healing reality that I really crave and have always needed. So now when I escape from reality I am going from a healthy, healing atmosphere into a false, lie-based atmosphere designed to develop antagonism and distaste for the reality of heaven.

As I was traveling yesterday and after I arrived I was listening to the latest releases from FFI. They were very powerful and relevant for me. The first talked about the power inherent in the Word of God that can be released internally. It creates an image on the inside of us that grows into similar fruit of blessing both for us and for our families. Cursing also creates an image inside of us that grows and produces fruits of bitterness and pain and dysfunction. It really reminded me again of the importance of the seeds I am planting both in myself and in the hearts of those around me.

As I watched the most recent video received from them I was overcome with emotion as my heart was exposed. It talks about creating communities where there thrives a culture of healing and blessing, not just weekend events that we experience and then lose. I want to participate in a community like that and create that kind of atmosphere for my own family. He also made a comment that really struck a nerve in me. He said the greatest point in time when we need to be blessed is right after we have messed up the worst. I realized that not understanding this is one big reason I am having such a difficult time connecting with my own son.

Along that line, I am seriously considering attending an upcoming Marriage Covenant Weekend planned in February in Branson, MO. I believe it could be a power turning point in our growth and healing and marriage. I also believe it could better situate me for becoming more of a blessing to the growing family God has given us.

Lies are Leeches

Lies are leeches. They only survive by riding on the substance of truth even though they try to suck all the life out of it. This is why we are instructed it is so important not to refer to the words of our opponents. When we spend time rehearsing the contents of lies we are placing truth in the position of the leach and inadvertently placing the lie in a position as if it were a source of life. This is trying to use the method of the enemy to defeat him which never works.

God does not argue with Satan, He simply speaks truth. Babylon will not fall because we exposed all the deceptions by explaining them, it falls because of the simple exposure of the beauty of truth. Truth is life. It is substance. It cannot be changed or refuted when kept in its purity. It does not even need us to defend it so it can continue to exist.

It can be mixed with error and deceptions and thereby give apparent credence to lies. That is the very nature of deception. It needs some degree of truth mixed in to keep it viable just like a leech needs life from its victim to keep itself alive..

I suppose leeches and lies need to be identified to some extent to differentiate them from the truth they are distorting. But when more effort and time is given to describing what's wrong instead of what's right the result may be not much better than the lie itself, if not worse. Jesus spoke plainly at times about the real nature and motives of evil but spent most of His time and energy revealing the truth about God and let evil be exposed simply by contrast. Darkness is the absence of light, not an actual substance or entity of itself. On the other hand light has substance and power and energy and effectiveness.

Because of all this, criticism and negative thinking and speaking condition a person and poison the spirit by dwelling in the atmosphere of lies and deception. We are led to believe that we are champions of truth while in fact we are only drawing more attention to the false. I am very guilty of this tendency myself. I realize my need to dwell in light and celebrate life more than bemoan the darkness. Then I will feel more of the energy and strength that comes from living in the light.

Work Out Your Salvation

Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. (Phil. 2:12,13)

As I was meditating this morning I realized another insight that further diffuses the dark feelings I have had about this verse. Most of my life this verse was a legalistic intimidation to try harder to be good so I could be “saved” in heaven. Most people I know have similar feelings about this text. But it flashed into my understanding that one reason it is so misunderstood is because we have maintained such a skewed interpretation of the word salvation.

Most Christians use this word to imply the act of going to heaven, primarily to escape the pain and discomfort of this sinful world and all its mess. Heaven is somehow viewed not only as a fire escape from “hell” but as maybe an elite social gathering for “good” people. Some do not take it to that extreme but still the main thrust of their understanding of the idea of salvation revolves around “going to heaven”

Not long ago I received instruction from Jim Wilder while listening to his “Munchies” series about the true biblical meaning of this term “salvation”. In the original language it actually refers primarily to God's work of restoring humanity back to His original design for how we should function and interrelate. It is strongly related to the idea of “salvage” which even sounds very similar to “salvation”. The root word conveys basically the same meaning. Jesus taking a group of people to heaven is only one step in this process of salvaging and restoring humans to live in the image of God and is not the primary focus of salvation.

With this much more accurate definition of the key word in this text, the whole text suddenly takes on completely different meaning and application. What I am asked to work out is not my “getting to heaven”, as many suppose. It is instructing me to cooperate with God's work in me in the process of salvage and restoration in my own life. It involves giving God permission repeatedly and even continuously to work in me to “will and to act according to His good purpose.” His “good purpose” is the full restoration of my life along with everyone who will allow Him access and put their full confidence in the provision created by Jesus' death. His good purpose is the passion of His heart to reunite all of us back into full fellowship and intimacy with Himself and all the rest of His family.

This view and understanding of this verse strips away the legalistic baggage that has eclipsed the beauty of God's heart and plans for us. 'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. 'Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 'You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. 'I will be found by you,' declares the LORD, 'and I will restore your fortunes and will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you,' declares the LORD, 'and I will bring you back to the place from where I sent you into exile.' (Jeremiah 29:11-14)

Internal Parent Voices

Why do I argue with myself internally so much? Voices from my Dad, my SS teachers and Bible instructors and often leaders in very conservative and sometimes independent religious ministries. Most of them are insistent that I believe what they know to be “truth”. They have impressive arrays of texts and quotations amassed to fortify their positions and ward off any and all dissent. They usually have some degree of a dogmatic spirit which demands complete submission to their conclusions due to their exhaustive research. They infer that they are the final authority on their subject because of the years spent refining their strong opinions, but of course they will bristle with indignation if you use that word. They generally present themselves as the voice of God that is not to be argued with but humbly accepted and repeated without serious questions.

Yes, that is a pretty accurate description of the type I remember and still run into once in awhile. Some of you are familiar with what I am talking about. Of course there are plenty of similar types in the political and social world – religion does not have a corner on strong-willed types who feel they have nothing more to learn. It is now their job as retainers of consummate “truth” to force their views and beliefs and lifestyles on as many as possible before they lose their influence or position.

So how does that relate to the voices in my head that I find myself often having heated debates with? Well, I learned some more things not long ago in a book called All My Children. It is the story of a couple back in the 60's, both psychiatric nurses, who ended up taking schizophrenics into their own home and successfully “re-parenting” them from where they were stuck in very early maturity by taking them through the process of growing up correctly. They used the principle proposed by Eric Berne and developed as the concept of “transactional analysis”.

Very simply explained, TA asserts that inside all of us there are three different “selfs” or what they call “ego states”: the parent ego, the adult ego and the child ego. These three entities are dialogging with each other inside of each of us and we also relate to those around us from one of these states at any point in time. We can quickly switch from one state to another depending on the situation and what is going on internally.

The problem that this couple observed in these sick “children” was that the “parent” ego inside their head was so distorted and out of whack that they could not live in peace or function like “normal” people around them. What was needed was for them to have that messed up parent image in their minds erased as much as possible and replaced with a completely new image of what a parent would act like. And since that part of the brain learns by mentoring and observation and not by instruction, they had to literally experience being parented correctly through many various circumstances to imprint a new model of thinking into their brains and memories.

The story is really quite amazing and encouraging though it has also stirred up intense controversy and opposition since it was published. It has also spawned some rather radical extreme imitations that I believe may have taken some of the legitimate insights learned from this story and mingled them with unsound abusive methods and marred the reputation of the original success accomplished by this couple.

The reason I find this so interesting is that I realized that is the same thing I have struggled with most of my life. Even though all these authority figures in my life have passed on and are not longer in my face, they are actually still here because they inserted themselves into my brain where they cannot be so easily displaced as they can be externally. In fact, they have become false gods that dictate and create arguments with the part of me that is discovering more truth and excitement in the true beauty and compassion of God. The real truth about God and how He relates to me is almost always at odds with these voices both from the past and some from the present. So every time I am presented with positive truth in the present these “parent egos” in my head raise a ruckus and I have my energy spent trying to justify what should be easy to believe and enjoy.

What I really need and want is to experience this wonderful process of re-parenting where I could mentor under a wise and loving couple who reflect the true nature of God and show me what that looks like under many different situations. I realize that many of us crave this very same thing and are very sad that it seems so impossible. But somehow I also believe that it is in God's plan to do this very thing. We were built to learn this way. The story in this book demonstrated quite amazingly that it is not only possible but is very powerful and can have wonderful results. But as this couple learned, it has to take place in a home environment with family dynamics and everyday relationships where real-life conflicts can be re-modeled and mature leaders can pass on their wisdom and character to grow others into like maturity. This is not something that works well in an institutional environment if it is even possible at all.

I do not know what God has in mind along these lines for my life. Maybe I am just being made aware of my need first so that when the opportunity is presented to me I will be more willing to participate without undue resistance. Ironically I find myself placed at the other end of the spectrum with younger damaged souls looking to me for mentoring and putting me into high stress situations to see how a person should act so they can correct their own messed up “parent” image. Of course I feel very inadequate in these situations and wonder how long it will take for me to grow up so I can better love the growing number of “kids” in my family. I guess God has a lot more work to do and I have a lot more growing to do.

Back to the arguments that I often discover going on in my head when I read or try to enter into genuine worship or even try to bond at deeper levels with other people. As I become more aware of the existence of these false gods asserting themselves, as I increase my awareness in real time that it is happening again, I also feel more empowerment to not just try to refute their logic but to order them to stop speaking. For I've noticed that no matter how many years I have presented clear reasons why the wonderful new truths about God and about life are actually true, these false voices are never swayed in their beliefs – not unlike the people in real life from where they came from. Arguing and plain facts have no influence on restraining these arguments. I am starting to learn that it is no longer an issue of what is true so much as it has become an issue of authority and control of my soul.

It is true that I need “parent” voices in my head to check my “child” ego impulses that may be out of line or immature. I want to keep a mind open to learning and growing and that is not smug in a dogmatic assumption that I have nothing more to learn or that my beliefs are not subject to re-examination. I have seen too many people like that and it makes me sad, for I see they are unwilling to challenge the lies embedded in their views, particularly about God, that keep them from experiencing greater levels of joy.

But these false gods that have embedded themselves into the “parent” part of my psyche are really counterfeit parents that want to perpetuate the lies of the past and have no interest in my growth and maturity. The spirit associated with them is always stifling, dogmatic and oppressive. They are very restrictive and demand blind conformity to artificial rules and strict external standards. They are clearly false gods insinuating themselves as conscience and demanding conformity and compliance.

So again I go back to the promise of God in Ezekiel and trust Him to fulfill His word in me. "Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. "I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will be careful to observe My ordinances." (Ezekiel 36:25-27)

So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth; It will not return to Me empty, Without accomplishing what I desire, And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it. (Isaiah 55:11)