Heart/Mind Imbalance

This morning I again wake up with a movie hangover, a hijacked imagination. As my mind launched into the familiar routine of looking for reasons, explanations and possible solutions I realized that maybe that activity itself may be a diversion. I was reminded of the verse, “Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life. (Proverbs 4:23) We are created to function, to live our life on at least two major levels – the heart and the mind. There is also the spirit but it so far is hard to quantify as to where it fits in though it may be more important than the others or is at least more powerful.

I have known for some time that a large part of humanity's problem is our imbalance in our emphasis on one of these areas. I came from the culture of over-emphasis on the intellectual, the mind. The last few years I am becoming aware both of the existence of my heart and of my spirit. But my ingrained habits steer me back to trying to figure things out and formulating a solution for every problem.

The thought occurred to me this morning in light of this text that the intellectual concepts may be very important and useful to understand but are often powerless to infuse lasting changes into my life because of the lack of coordination from the area of my heart and my spirit. I have certainly seen many people who were frustratingly solution oriented and constantly babbling about their theories and what everyone should do to fix their lives but who seemed clueless as to how to actually live from their own heart and be real. Of course it is always easier to see my problems in someone else's life and this is likely true here as well.

To risk another analyzation event by my over-exercised left brain, it does seem to be an insight from this verse that our heart is the source in our life from which the rest of us receives the vital power called life that makes for lasting change in direction and habits and character. The heart operates much differently than the intellectual mind and as yet is not well understood by me. The heart certainly involves my emotions but is much bigger than that. It also is strongly affected by decisions and acts of faith-motivated obedience. There is repeated references to this that I have noticed particularly in the devotional book My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers.

So what does this mean for my current struggle. I feel convicted that my repeated choices are keeping me in a state of double-mindedness which may quite likely be blocking me from receiving life through my heart. Though God is the only source of life, my heart is the entryway through which that life flows into and through me. When my loyalties are divided between God and the world, my flesh is siphoning off the incoming life to appropriate to and energize its desires and plans ahead of my spiritual welfare. The “flesh” in me is very much a parasite consuming the life given to me by God for itself ahead of my real self's welfare.

Yes, there are two “selves” inside me – my flesh, the part of me that feeds from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, and the other self, the heart and identity that God implanted in me that must be fed from the Tree of Life. Since all life only comes from God, then the cancer-like “flesh” part of my soul drains off and starves the healthy part of me that God wants to thrive. It is a struggle to the death for one or the other. As long as I try to allow and encourage and feed both sides for the “benefits” I want to enjoy from both, the flesh will always outmaneuver the “spirit” and, just like physical cancer, will ultimately win the fight for my destiny. The only hope for me is total eradication of the cancerous cells through strong medication and treatment by God to eliminate my double-mindedness – my attempts to accommodate both identities.

This is what the Bible calls dying to self. This must happen at the heart level, not the intellectual level. Trying to endlessly analyze and conceptualize while avoiding the real heart work is the most effective decoy to keep us from eternal life. I feel uncomfortable to some extent even putting this down in writing as the process of writing more often engages my intellectual than my heart. But it does seem to be helpful to use writing as a means of reporting what is happening at my heart level for purposes of feedback and solidification. The intellectual is not useless or bad, it is just often over-dominant and disruptive when allowed to be independent from guidance from the spirit and heart.

Why I Left Half the Dishes

As I was standing at the sink washing dishes this morning I fell into one of my thinking habits, you know, the one called WHY. I am forever trying to figure out and make sense of why we do things the way we do, why we relate to each other in the dysfunctional ways that continue to annoy us but we can't seem to change or find better ways of thinking and speaking. I realize that one problem is that our actions and words are usually only symptoms of deeper realities that, at first glance, don't appear to be related to what is currently going on. When we can uncover the deeper pain and address the unmet needs that haunt us from inside much of our external symptoms will change on their own. But the why question still persists. Of course the obvious is true – I haven't dealt with most of the underlying stuff yet. But I want to understand why certain reactions are so predictable. Will understanding them cause them to change? Well that is another good question I can't answer yet. For instance, while I was washing the large pile of dirty dishes left over from the last round of holiday feasting the urge came to me to just wash the dishes, glasses and silverware and leave the big pans and large miscellaneous items for someone else to finish. Now I'm sure I can already predict what others are thinking right now if they are reading this. “What a bloke! How can you be so lazy? Why don't you just do all the dishes instead of leaving half of them for someone else?” Well, that's just what I'm talking about. Why is it that I can predictably garner more animosity by voluntarily doing over half the dishes and leaving some unwashed than by doing none at all? It's the half-empty glass syndrome. I realize that I do the same thing to others. When someone tries to do something and it doesn't measure up I tend to have a critical eye on how it could have been better instead of starting with an attitude of gratitude and expressing appreciation. This springs out of the atmosphere of shame and force that most of us are so familiar with. In this case the person wondering why I did only half a job would somehow believe that making me feel shamed for my decision would somehow motivate me to be more industrious. Somehow that has never been a positive inspiration for me. It usually causes me to determine to just leave the dishes dirty next time so I can avoid being condemned again. I might receive flak about never being helpful but it will be less intense than being criticized for trying to partially helpful. Of course this is just one of many illustrations of the same kind of thing. Most of us are familiar with these scenarios and are probably both victims and perpetrators involved with them. As I thought about what undergirds these predictable interactions of dysfunctionality it seemed to me to be the familiar weapon of force. We believe that shame, anger, disgust, demeaning remarks will create enough inward pain to force another to conform to our desires for their behavior changes. Sometimes it may produce those external changes but always at the cost of loss of healthy bonding. We are creating fear bonds instead of love bonds, and fear bonds produce dysfunctional relations and behaviors. So what did I do this morning? Believe it or not, I left the rest of the odd-sized, over-sized dirty items for someone else to do just because I wanted to exercise my freedom to do so and to see if the predicted reactions would indeed play out again. Yes I might be the one who ends up doing them later. But I also have the freedom to stop and do something else I deem more important right now. I do not want to allow in “parent” inside of my head to be dictator and shame me any more than I want my wife or children to do it to me from the outside. I want to be valued whether I do this dishes or not. And isn't that what grace is all about?

The Lucifer Syndrome

Lucifer said he wanted to be like God, to do everything God could do. Look at the results.

Eve wanted to be like God. She accepted the contract offered to make her more like God. Problem was, she chose to forget she was already created in God's image. To accept the new offer she rejected her advantage and lost her right to life. To preserve her existence the blood of promise to undo the contract was immediately applied to prevent the full consequences of her deadly choice.

Abraham received lessons in faith. Through those lessons he began to understand the implications of the blood. He became a major exhibit for humanity of how to be redeemed – by believing the truth about God and trusting the word of God. But even in believing the blood was applied.

Israel forgot and did not follow Abraham's example and sank deep into guilt, ignorance and perverted concepts of God. Because they couldn't even realize their condition God exposed Himself to them at Sinai to contrast their real situation with His perfect beauty and holiness. But instead of admitting their condition they followed the example of Lucifer and Eve instead of Abraham. They said they would be like God – obey Him perfectly. Immediately the blood was sprinkled on them to shield them from the consequences of their stupid choice. Moses must have been sad as he sprinkled the blood over the people realizing they didn't really know God and didn't understand what they were attempting to do.

The Jews in John 6 were still trying to work the works of God, still stuck in the Lucifer syndrome. Jesus urgently tried to change their focus to Himself, the reality of what was signified all through history by the blood. Believe in the blood – not a promise to become like God.

The surprise ending is that those who reject the temptation to be God or equal with Him, but turn to trust fully in the blood and the One who gave it – they end up becoming like God much more than Lucifer ever claimed to want.

Holidays, Relationships and Writing

The most noticeable emotions that affects many people around this time of year revolves around attachment pain. It is amplified by the rampant externalism that permeates this most commercialized time of the year. Attachment pain centers in our relationships and need for relationships that lies at the very deepest part of our brains. It is the most basic need we experience and the most intense feeling that affects all other emotions throughout the rest of our brain.

I notice the heightened awareness in my own emotions of the various forms of attachment pain that swirl around inside my emotions. My perception and general outlook act as filters through which I interpret these feelings and try to make sense of them. If I am feeling negative, critical or self-pity I tend to produce unreasonable expectations that others should understand how empty I am feeling and spend more time filling the emptiness inside me with their attention and love. If I am feeling more mature or analytical I may evaluate more realistically where I am in my different relationships with the people in my life and try to understand how I could make an improvement in those relationships.

As we spend time in close proximity with family members in close quarters and under heightened stress levels resulting from various factors like exhausting food preparation, increased emotional sensitivity creating potential for possible offense, lack of normal rest and just the fact that more people in close proximity allows less time for each to be heard – as all these factors come into play, the emotional maturity of each person involved has a direct correlation to the experience we all take away as memories and how our attachment feelings with each other grow in depth or shrivel in pain.

We are all aware to at least some extent of the nature of this problem/potential. The holidays can be times of deep bonding and loving experiences that give us wonderful memories to enrich our lives. But most often these are ideals most often found in stories we read in books but only wish intensely to happen to us in real life. On the other side most people can quickly bring up horror stories of painful clashes produced by bringing immature relatives and friends together with unresolved grudges and over-sized expectations which sooner or later explodes into deeply painful clashes creating deep rifts, anger, blame, shame etc. that can easily last for years to come.

Most of us try to carefully and delicately maneuver a course of compromise and appeasement through the minefield of our holiday relationships hoping that when its all over the good bonding will outweigh the negative experiences and we will end up farther ahead than behind in our emotional sum total. This may not be the experience of some, but for all of my life this seems to describe the holidays quite accurately. And this one is certainly no exception.

As I thought about this over the past few days I tried to learn wisdom and understanding from what was taking place around me. There were those that I wanted to love openly and embrace fully but who kept me at arms length both physically and emotionally because of grudges they wanted to cling to. There were others who themselves were carrying deep pain that no one else knew about until it was quiet and safe enough for them to open up and share what they were suffering. I felt insufficient and inadequate to bring resolution to their complicated problems but wanted to provide an open heart to share their emotions to the extent that they were willing.

Others carry even deeper feelings of self-worthlessness and are possibly trying to supply the lack by serving others and keeping everything in order. This is certainly not to say that everyone who spends a lot of time preparing food and gifts etc. is suffering from low self-worth. But it can be a very easy method to avoid facing the deep attachment pain that remains unfaced and unaddressed inside many of us. The holiday events are always a strange mixture of external, choreographed behaviors designed to create an image to everyone around us that prevents others from seeing what is really going on inside. We are almost universally all afraid of being truly honest with each other about who we really are and how we really feel largely because we do not know how to be honest inside ourselves either. We have lived in a facade for so much of our life that that is about all we know, so we continue our well-learned practice of image management and hope for the best in the increased pressure during the holidays.

Meanwhile our heart is aching deep inside hoping desperately that love will come our way and our craving for acceptance and deep bonding with significant people in our lives might become more of a reality during these times of close interaction. Once in a while we make progress, but often we feel successful if we can just survive the holidays without a net loss emotionally.

I would like to learn how to live better than this. I would like to have my heart trained and mentored by someone who knows how to relate better than I do, who could show me how to act like myself under pressure and be able to greatly enrich my relationships instead of just survive them. I feel very inadequate in this area for it involves heart work with which I am very unfamiliar to date.

I am starting to perceive that one of the underlying issues at play during these times is the one of control. Most of us to some extent or other are trying to control those around us. This is natural but not helpful or healthy. It goes back to the false god syndrome and image management. We want to project a certain image to those around us of what we want them to think about us so we spend a great deal of energy massaging the information we allow to emerge about ourselves and our feelings. This restricts the freedom of those around us to choose what they want to believe about us or how they can relate to us. Of course, they too are playing the same game so it looks a lot like old-fashioned sword fighting where everyone is carefully maneuvering to gain a position of strength and dominance for themselves. While this may be be very natural and human it is counterproductive to deepening positive bonding with those we want to love.

Will this change? I hope so. When will I change? I don't know yet. I am simply recording my observations at this point which in itself helps to clarify the issues for me. Much of the time, when I sit down to write out my feelings or frustrations I have little idea of what emerges by the time I have finished writing. As the words begin to flow out the next thought begins to take shape and is pretty much ready by the time I get to it. It is an interesting process and one that has helped me condense into understandable context what before was mostly emotional concepts not clearly defined or understood.

The various sources that I have been learning from over the past few months and years such as Wilder's material on the brain and maturity, Regier's material, insights given to me regularly from the Word of God in my personal reflection, the book My Utmost for His Highest and many other sources (many of which I have listed on my web page) help me to have language to put into words the insights that form in my mind. The insights from others shared through their resources or comments coalesce together in my mind and heart to fill in a harmonious bigger picture that in turn adds to a yet greater picture that never stops growing.

I like it even better when others can synchronize with this process and share together with me in the discovery process. This ties back into the bonding process that creates attachments and brings longterm satisfaction which contributes to maturity and emotional growth. But for some reason, as wonderful as this could be, there seems to be things in my personality that block this connection with other people. I have had very little success in making friends most of my life, especially at a deeper level. And when I thought I had succeeded these relationships usually feel apart or simply faded away for reasons I could never quite understand. I have always concluded that there was some elusive offensiveness about me that was a blind spot for me that made me unusable as a deeply trusted friend to those I so deeply wanted to bond with.

Exposing the Facade of the Unholy Trinity

The first chapter of Esther is very enlightening when viewed in the light of understanding of the false trinity of kingship, law and economics. It appears very clear that the king and his officials felt they had finally perfected the system to a perfectly functioning, smoothly efficient level of ultimate completion. There are many references in this chapter to various clues indicating this along with some of the underlying social assumptions necessary to make it appear to work well.

I think the kingdom of Media and Persia was very aware of the weaknesses of the previous system that focused primarily on kingship and economics. They observed the abuses and resulting problems inherent in power centralized in one person. Based on these wise observations they had fashioned a government markedly different, one that they hoped and believed would solve all the problems of the previous kingdom and make their reign over the earth more secure and supported by the people ruled over. He was so confident that he had reached the perfect solution that he decided to throw a celebration in honor of this success. Note the various references to the three pillars supporting this system that this king felt he had brought into perfect balance with each other to achieve optimum power of the perfect government.

(kingship) 1 Now it took place in the days of Ahasuerus, the Ahasuerus who reigned from India to Ethiopia over 127 provinces,

2 in those days as King Ahasuerus sat on his royal throne which was at the citadel in Susa,

3 in the third year of his reign he gave a banquet for all his princes and attendants, the army officers of Persia and Media, the nobles and the princes of his provinces being in his presence.

(economics) 4 And he displayed the riches of his royal glory and (kingship) the splendor of his great majesty for many days, 180 days.

5 When these days were completed, the king gave a banquet lasting seven days for all the people who were present at the citadel in Susa, from the greatest to the least (celebrating the appearance of equality), in the court of the garden of the king's palace.

(displaying the success of economics) 6 There were hangings of fine white and violet linen held by cords of fine purple linen on silver rings and marble columns, and couches of gold and silver on a mosaic pavement of porphyry, marble, mother-of-pearl and precious stones.

7 Drinks were served in golden vessels of various kinds, and the royal wine was plentiful according to the king's bounty.

(the ultimate illusion of the goodness of law) 8 The drinking was done according to the law, there was no compulsion, for so the king had given orders to each official of his household that he should do according to the desires of each person.

Up to this point the facade seems airtight. The unholy trinity is working perfectly. Everybody is apparently happy and there is perfect harmony among all. Particular mention is given to fact that there was “no compulsion” in the law about drinking. In relation to the concept of law this borders on being an oxymoron.

At this point in the story the faultlines began to appear inside this perfect facade. Evidently women were kept firmly “in their place” and were not necessarily equal in this system – that would be taking things too far! But to maintain peace and happiness the king allowed his queen to hold a banquet for all the females so the system could continue to appear perfect.

9 Queen Vashti also gave a banquet for the women in the palace which belonged to King Ahasuerus (notice the emphasis on the fact that the palace belonged to the king).

10 On the seventh day, when the heart of the king was merry with wine, he commanded Mehuman, Biztha, Harbona, Bigtha, Abagtha, Zethar and Carkas, the seven eunuchs who served in the presence of King Ahasuerus,

11 to bring Queen Vashti before the king with her royal crown in order to display her beauty to the people and the princes, for she was beautiful.

12 But Queen Vashti refused to come at the king's command delivered by the eunuchs. Then the king became very angry and his wrath burned within him.

This system of thinking seems to have led people to believe that the perfection and fine-tuning of this unholy trinity would allow them to indulge in any desire that entered their mind without negative consequences. This is the promise of Satan's system since the very beginning of the great controversy. It is the ultimate pursuit of a system of government, of bonding intelligent beings together in such a way so they can live in selfishness and still not suffer the effects that God says are inevitable. The king under the influence of alcohol and ego-elevation launches into the arena of sexual exploitation for the pleasure of all his male friends and admirers. He wants to highlight the assumptions of total freedom implicit in this system that every man will be able to live like a king and satisfy any desire of his heart without resistance.

But the queen blows open the facade and challenges the oppressive assumptions that underly the unholy trinity of kingship, economics and law. She refuses to be subjected to the whims of a drunk husband and displayed (quite possibly only wearing a crown) before crowds of sex-hungry, google-eyed men for her natural beauty while pretending she feels no shame. This is the opposite of the law about drinking with its emphasis on the absence of compulsion. This command is a direct attempt to highlight the desired total subjection of females for the exploitation of the men for the efficiency of the facade of success.

(note the emphasis, not only on law but on counseling with those who really understood the object of this grand experiment) 13 Then the king said to the wise men who understood the times--for it was the custom of the king so to speak before all who knew law and justice

(supposed benign and shared kingship) 14 and were close to him: Carshena, Shethar, Admatha, Tarshish, Meres, Marsena and Memucan, the seven princes of Persia and Media who had access to the king's presence and sat in the first place in the kingdom--

(law) 15 "According to law, what is to be done with Queen Vashti, because she did not obey the (kingship) command of King Ahasuerus delivered by the eunuchs?"

16 In the presence of the king and the princes, Memucan said, "Queen Vashti has wronged not only the king but also all the princes and all the peoples who are in all the provinces of King Ahasuerus.

17 "For the queen's conduct will become known to all the women causing them to look with contempt on their husbands by saying, 'King Ahasuerus commanded Queen Vashti to be brought in to his presence, but she did not come.'

18 "This day the ladies of Persia and Media who have heard of the queen's conduct will speak in the same way to all the king's princes, and there will be plenty of contempt and anger.

At this point the underlying assumptions become openly exposed. Selfishness is always based on the exploitation of someone or some group of people. In this case it is clearly based on the dominance of men over women which has been typical in most ages of this world with few exceptions. However the underlying lie is here is verbalized openly to justify the system. “If women are allowed to have complete freedom of choice and conscience the result will obviously be the exploitation of men resulting in disrespect, shame and loss of control. The solution of course had to be found by utilizing the system itself to repair the danger to the facade. The foundation of law must be implemented with accompanying force to restore order and keep up appearances. For the system based on the unholy trinity is all about appearances exclusively.

19 "If it pleases the king, let a royal edict be issued by him and let it be written in the laws of Persia and Media so that it cannot be repealed, that Vashti may no longer come into the presence of King Ahasuerus, and let the king give her royal position to another who is more worthy than she (as in more submissive and compliant).

20 "When the king's edict which he will make is heard throughout all his kingdom, great as it is, then all women will give honor to their husbands, great and small."

This is the assumption that fine-tuning the balance of the three foundations of the unholy trinity will, of course, result in honor and respect for all the men, which in truth is what they desire and need the most. It is true that men are designed at their deepest level to be motivated and energized best by being honored and respected and valued by others. The problem here is that the false system proposes to fill this need by force.

21 This word pleased the king and the princes, and the king did as Memucan proposed.

22 So he sent letters to all the king's provinces, to each province according to its script and to every people according to their language, that every man should be the master in his own house and the one who speaks in the language of his own people.(NAS95)

The true element that holds the false trinity together and exalts its supremacy has always been and will always be – force. And as always, force is in direct opposition to the element that bonds together those in God's system. This is born out in the rest of the story of this book.

Condition of my spirit

I am still struggling to learn to live from my heart more than from my head. I guess that will not end anytime soon unless I give up wanting to. I am slowly and fitfully, at least, becoming more aware and sometimes conscious of the feelings of my heart and sometimes those around me. I am also experiencing times when I feel more real and actually present – living in the present intensely – in the presence of God.

When I came into the Tuesday night men's group after they had started I came in while they were discussing the importance of intentional praise to God under any circumstances. I certainly needed this reminder and I realized how dark my mind has become because I have not exercised this most powerful practice recently. It is the most effective means for dispelling emotional fog and discouragement. That is why Satan stops at nothing to keep all of us from knowing about this or believing it.

When I think about how to relate to situations and the people around me based on what I can perceive about my heart and their hearts it always causes me to doubt my first impulses. I often see how selfish my usual reactions are and I pray for a new base of operation. I also realize how poor my mindsight ability is for understanding how other people are feeling. This all creates a very great need for divine presence and communication if I am at all to be a channel of life to others instead of dry sponge always trying to draw life and satisfaction from others for myself.

This is also making me more and more aware of how many false gods I harbor. Every person or experience that I want to use to pump up my feeling of self-worth that is not in God's plan for me has become an idol for me. Anything I can't stop doing because it makes me feel so good is something that I am bowed to as a source of life. Worship is simply the act of giving attention and priority to something or someone to draw life for myself. Intellectually I can know that God is the only source of life, but my empty heart will grasp at many alternatives that look hopeful or promising while my mind maintains that I am loyal to God. Simply put, this condition is the essence of what sin is all about.

I want to know much more of the truth about what God is really like and be disabused of the millions of lies about Him that still distort my life and thinking. I am realizing that understanding more about the deceptions of the world does not necessarily reveal more truth about God. That is another very successful diversion of the enemy. There are many people very vocal about uncovering all kinds of scams, plots and conspiracies of the enemy and feeling very righteous about doing so. But God is only revealed and experienced by coming more and more into truth, not understanding more and more about deceptions.

Again, this is why praise and gratitude is so effective and transforming. It focuses our attention on the real truth about God which transforms us into what we are thinking about. I ran across some very interesting quotations this morning.

“The enemies of the truth know that they have not strong arguments to sustain their position; therefore they will try the [mettle] of the one who presents the truth. In the position where you are placed to vindicate the truth, keep self out of sight, make no boast of knowledge, place your feet upon the word, the eternal truth. Make no reference to any sly thrusts of your opponent. Do not manifest a spirit of retaliation; but ever maintain the gentleness of Christ. Put on Christ. Your physical infirmities urge you to hasty feelings and hasty words, which give your opponent an advantage. Abide in Christ. For the truth's sake, for Christ's sake, preserve the dignity, the elevated and ennobled character of the truth. Your zeal will need to be controlled by the Holy Spirit of God, lest it quicken into impatience as you see the Scriptures wrested, and fables and human assertions presented as truth. Men who know that they have the truth can have power only as they present the truth as it is in Jesus.

“...God alone must be your trust; nothing less than a divine agency will be able to counter-work the power of Satan.

“You are not in one instance to use the same weapons as to your opponents. If you do, they will turn against the truth. You are to act on principles directly opposite to those held by men who are seeking to make of no effect the law of God,--the great standard of character. You love the truth, you love God; but you must more fully learn of Jesus his meekness and lowliness of heart. A great work is to be done in our cities, and the fields are all ripe for the harvest. Our attention will be called in every direction, for repentant souls in both Christian and heathen lands will lift up their voices for help. There must not be one particle of lifting up of self; your only safety is to trust in God. While you walk in humility, you walk safely.

“Dwell as little as possible upon your opponent's objections, but press in the truth, new and convincing, to cut away and undermine error. Keep your own spirit calm, even against personal abuse. Never retaliate. Let the spirit of kindness, Christian courtesy, rule your every action. The Holy Spirit will help your infirmities. People will pass judgment upon the men. Those in error have learned that their strength is to maintain self-control, while the fires of hell may be stirring every fiber of the being. Your opponent will say words which will irritate a sensitive mind. Pass these by unheeded. Do not once forget that you are speaking for God's truth. Your spirit, if kept gentle under provocation, will speak louder than any force of argument. Do not imperil the truth by an unwise word. Remember how, when provoked, Moses spoke unadvisedly, and dishonored God. You need larger experience as a student in the school of Christ, in copying his meekness and lowliness.

“The universe of heaven will be comprised in your audience. Bear this in mind. God has given you talents of influence; he has let his light, in clear distinct rays, shine upon your pathway, he has greatly blessed you; now let your disinterestedness, your self-consecration, do honor to God. If you look to, or trust in, your own ability, you will destroy the effect of actual effort. God alone can give the victory, and he will vindicate the truth, if men will not take credit to themselves; God will do honor to those who live not to self, but to him.

“Seek God most earnestly. Your brethren should seek the Lord with you. From communion with God, come before the people, imbued with the Holy Spirit. Exalt the word, exalt Jesus; in all humility of mind, crowd in important, soul-testing truth. Let the glorious conceptions of God possess your mind, God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, is willing to shine in your hearts, who give the light of the knowledge of his glory in the face of Jesus Christ. You weaken the truth when, in the least degree, you extol self. Hide in Jesus; without his presence and power you can do nothing. {GCB, April 1, 1895}

Law or Love

In my reading this morning in the book of Daniel I suddenly saw the same pattern of progression that I saw not long ago in history, the movement from emphasis on the supremacy of kingship to the supremacy of law. In the Babylonian empire the top ruler was supreme. Whatever he decided to do was top priority even if it contradicted what he wanted to do previously. Consistency was not as important as satisfying the desires or whims of the king. Everything and everyone had to revolve around the personality of one person.

Obviously this is a very precarious way to run a government and lends itself quickly to blatant abuse of power. In fact this weakness was clearly demonstrated in the life of the last decadent ruler of Bablyon who was killed off by the succeeding empire during his drunken orgy feasting with his subordinates. The new government that took over, the Medes and Persians, brought in a new style of governing that at first looked like the perfect solution for the problem of power abuse by supreme rulers. They invested the highest supremacy in the rule of law itself instead of in a human being. In place of trusting in a single human as infallible they chose to trust in laws created by men and declared that the law itself was infallible. Now the very men who created the law along with everyone around them would be held accountable to the law instead of to a single, fickle person.

We still fall into the same faulty thinking today. The very immature crave absolute personal control over others like the kingship model that has been indulged in repeatedly over the centuries. The more mature believe in the safety of collective thinking and wisdom which is condensed into law and then imposed on everyone else. But the underlying fatal flaw still remains. That flaw is the root concept of force. Because humans have, deeply ingrained into their psyche, the lie that God operates His universe through force, they set up their various social systems on the economy of force.

Fear and force are the key ingredients of Satan's counterfeit kingdom propagated by ever-increasing lies and half-truths. God's system of family never employs Satan's methods to further its objectives. It is completely separate and foreign from Satan's methods. God system does not allow for any human to be supreme over another or use force to override another's freedom of conscience. Nor does He invest supremacy in the imposition of law, especially human laws. Most Christians mistakenly believe however, that God's government is base more on His law than on Himself. This is because they are still deeply influenced by the faulty thinking of Satan's subtle substitutes.

God's system of relating to all of His creatures is based on each one living in perfect freedom and in personal, direct connection with its Creator. When sin first began to emerge in the universe, the revelation that there was even such a thing as law came as a great shock to the angels. While it is true that God is revealed through the explanation of principles that explain His character, and those principles are as unchangeable as the God they refer to, those explanations usually referred to as laws to not take precedence over the Being from which they are derived. Love is a relationship far more than it is obedience to a list of descriptions. Love in relationship will always result in harmonization. But attempts to comply with a description of someone's character without living in a relationship with them does not constitute love and does not result in family bonds, which is what God's system is all about.

Fear Not

Fear not! Why is this the most common instruction given to humans when divine beings show up? This has made me curious for years as I have pondered the significance of it. I believe it reveals something very important about God and understanding reality.

“Therefore, since the children share in flesh and blood, He Himself likewise also partook of the same, that through death He might render powerless him who had the power of death, that is, the devil, and might free those who through fear of death were subject to slavery all their lives.” Heb. 2:14,15.

I believe that at its root fear is always of death to some degree or in some form. Everything we are really afraid of are things we were not created to experience to begin with. We are afraid of pain, of shame, of separation from love and nurture, of evil beings and evil events. Because of the pervasive lies about God that have filled our minds and hearts we have been tricked into believing that God is the source of some or all of these things that we are afraid of.

So what is it that people are really afraid of when an angel from God shows up? They are afraid of death, of shameful exposure of themselves in the light of reality, of pain from not being in full harmony with God. Actually they are afraid because they believe lies about God. And while it is true that they could experience any or all of these things because of God's presence it is not because God is the source of the problem. God is never the author of death. God never desires pain or shame for the objects of His love and care.

The problem always lies on our side and in the lies still resident in our hearts. What we believe becomes our reality and reacts upon ourselves as if it were really true even though it is still a lie in the realm of reality. This puts us out of harmony with reality, out of synchronization with what really is. For God's presence to be with us and not precipitate negative consequences because of our negative beliefs about Him, He has to first address the offending lies that threaten to create destructive reactions in us. The very fact that we are afraid in God's presence indicates the presence of residual lies as yet undealt with.

Trying to deny that we are afraid or force ourselves to not be afraid is useless. This only applies another layer of deception on top of the lies already in place. Or trying to rationalize and twist the real truth about God to a point where He will no longer present a threat to us without dealing with our own lies and unbelief is equally pointless. The only real solution is to synchronize our hearts and beliefs with what is really true and then we can experience being fully alive.

Satan is the author and instigator of fear. Fear is his primary weapon. He designs that everyone live in fear and torment, and the results are easily seen all around us and in us. He also wants us to believe his lie that this is God's plan and originates from God's character. We have all bought into this lie to some extent, to the extent that we are afraid or suspicious of God.

Satan also purports to be a source of life, both positively and negatively. That's why he named his tree in the Garden of Eden the Tree of Good and Evil instead of its real name the Tree of Death. He purports to be able to satisfy our needs for satisfaction with selfish pleasure. And he threatens evil, pain and death on us if we do not make him and his agents the focus of our fear and attention.

Fear always makes a god out of the object of its focus. Fear empowers the one we are afraid of, giving them control of our emotions and lives. Satan's greatest desire is to replace God, and he uses fear and seduction and deception to manipulate intelligent beings to give him their focus. When we are afraid we are really believing that the focus of our fear is more powerful than God is. And that belief becomes self-fulfilling in our lives. This is the essence of unbelief. It is refusing to believe that God is greater than anything that tries to make us afraid, refusing to trust that God can satisfy us better than any selfish desire that promises to make us happy.

God is the only source of life. He is not the author of death and pain and shame. All of those things are simply natural consequences of sin which itself is simply harboring reservations and lies about God. The more lies we dispose of the more freedom and life we experience and the less fear we have about anything. Salvation is the process of deposing us of all fear and fully synchronizing us with the true Source of life.

Righteousness

I've been thinking for several days about the word and the concept of “righteousness”. It is one of those very baffling and confusing religious words that a lot of people have a great deal to say about but very few seem to have much idea of what it really means. Most people usually equate it closely to acting nice, being good or ultimately behaving “perfectly”, which is another word that is largely misunderstood.

Righteousness also usually carries something with it called “merit” that is another concept largely misunderstood and misapplied in religious circles. In fact, I have come to realize over the years that nearly every religious word is more often perceived through it's counterfeit understanding based on our false views of what God is like than on what God says and reveals about Himself as reality and in the Bible.

Righteousness is one of the holdouts that has continued to evade my understanding. Many other words have come alive for me as God has shown me their true meaning through various means. But I have been still waiting for a better explanation of this word that is more satisfying and sensible than most of the ramblings and forceful expositions I have heard.

While I do not have a complete and conclusive understanding yet, I am starting to perceive something that has the earmarks of truth in the real reality arena. It starts with the following verses as a basis for the real definition:

Rom. 4:3 For what does the Scripture say? "ABRAHAM BELIEVED GOD, AND IT WAS CREDITED TO HIM AS RIGHTEOUSNESS."

Gal. 3:6 Even so Abraham BELIEVED GOD, AND IT WAS RECKONED TO HIM AS RIGHTEOUSNESS.

James 2:23 and the Scripture was fulfilled which says, "AND ABRAHAM BELIEVED GOD, AND IT WAS RECKONED TO HIM AS RIGHTEOUSNESS," and he was called the friend of God.

In words someone recently used that explained this more clearly, it says that Abraham believed God could do what He said He could do and that act or choice in itself was considered, in the real reality, righteousness. The same applies to everyone, not just Abraham. If I believe that God can and wants to do what He says, particularly in my life where my permission allows Him to act the most, then I will have righteousness, the right kind of righteousness. It is not any behavior or action on my part or even a worked up feeling labeled faith. I may not even be saved in heaven because of it as was demonstrated in the life of Ahab. Because righteousness alone does not save me, contrary to much religious propaganda.

Then it occurred to me the other day that if the essence of real righteousness is believing God can do what He says He can do (which we very seldom really believe), then counterfeit righteousness is when I believe in myself, that I can do what I say I can do to be good. When I trust in my own ability in the slightest degree even if that is based on help from God, then I have introduced corruption into the equation and it is no longer pure righteousness. That is why the saints in Revelation are repeatedly singing and shouting that only God is worthy and He alone is holy and righteous.

I have observed that most of the teaching I have heard on righteousness is a very subtle mix of the two concepts. This has lead to a great deal of confusion and discouragement on the part of millions including myself. Many Christians in reaction to this have concluded either that they have to indeed help God make them be righteous or they are to believe in Jesus as a substitute and expect little or no effect to be seen in their own lives. This is rooted in a misunderstanding of what is cause and what is effect.

One of Satan's most successful deceptions has been to get people to invert cause and effect in our thinking. Most of my life great emphasis was put on the descriptions of the effects of righteousness that should be seen in one's life with the implication that if we could somehow produce the effect effectively enough then the cause would somehow fall into place. We seldom use that thinking in the natural world so why should it work in the spirit world?

The opposite argument has been that since we really can't produce the effect of righteousness in our lives (which is absolutely true), then we should be content to just live in a continuous cycle of sin, confession, repentance, forgiveness, sin, confession, repentance, etc. This is what is viewed in sanctuary symbology as the outer court experience. I believe Rev. 11:2 is referring to people who are stuck in this way of thinking.

Much more can be looked at along these lines and is in many discussions. But I find it helpful to condense down to its simplest form the meaning of the words used to communicate spiritual concepts that are always bigger than the words used to convey them. For now, for me, this is a beginning or maybe a deepening of my struggle to understand what is and what is not behind this word. It fits much better with the other emerging revelations I have been discovering lately about the real truth about God and about humans. My view of this is very different than it was 30 years ago and is still open for growth.

A few months ago I ran across a “position paper” of sorts in some of my old stuff that tried to explain why certain teachings on righteousness by faith were really heresies. I was appalled and sickened at the legalistic logic involved and wondered who might have written such an attack. Slowly I began to realize that it was most likely written by myself when I was around 18 or 19. Usually I like to hang on to old papers from my past partly to see how I have changed. However, I was do sickened by the logic and the heaviness I experienced while reading this old document I simple had to throw it away lest anyone else read it and become attracted to the legalism and bondage that I was suffering under when I wrote it. I was ashamed that I had ever written such a tirade but also grateful at how God has lead me to much greater freedom while protecting me from losing all interest in Him at the same time.

God is very good and is worth of all praise and honor. I am glad that I can honestly feel that way and not say it simply to sound religious. I remind myself, or He reminds me, that He is good irregardless of what happens to me or what appearances seem to implicate about Him. I want to mature more in grace so that my praise and testimony about Him is more consistently truthful to His reality.

Elijah Message

Present truth for today is the Elijah message. “How long will you falter between two choices? How long will you be double-minded and live in confusion? If you really know God is the real God, the true and only source of all life and satisfaction, then serve and obey Him fully. If your other gods are your choice for receiving life and protection and pleasure, then serve them fully and quit pretending to serve God.”

It is a message designed to polarize. It is a message designed to unite or divide. It is the message to come out of Babylon, the condition of confusion, and let God be God. It is the call for radical godliness to allow the glory of God to fill the whole earth. It is a choice to live from the heart and bond deeply together as families or live just from our head and trust in human goodness and solutions.

Today every religion is practicing some mix of humanism and faith in God. It is woven so finely together and worded so subtly that it often cannot be noticed at first. Radical godliness based on total dependence on Christ's merits alone is extremely rare though often talked about. One of the biggest problems in realizing God's full power in our lives is our present distortions about God's true character. We are becoming like the God/gods we believe in, but we allow very little latitude in our minds for radical change in our understanding of who the Real God really is. We are devoted more to our beliefs about God than we are to God Himself. This is typical of head-religion.

The Elijah message is a radical appeal to our hearts to rise up in resonance with the great Heart that originally created us and take radical action to change our mode of living. To accept the Elijah message means to subordinate left-brain dominated religion to its proper sphere as supportive role in a right-brain heart-dominated life filled and led by the Holy Spirit. This is the only choice that will allow us to be brought into harmony with God's heart and the hearts of all His children everywhere.

Inhibited Witness

My Utmost exposes a deep fault in my thinking. Many times, I now realize, I have thought that I must wait until AI better understand how spirituality works before I can say anything to my family members. They usually resent nearly everything I say about personal spiritual issues and I assume that I don't yet have the insight, maturity and a sweet enough spirit to effectively say anything. So I keep most of my thoughts and concerns to myself so as not to offend them.

However, this clearly looks like a catch 22 situation. I feel it is wrong to not warn them as I see them indulging in sinful desires and slipping deeper into habits of thinking and living that will ruin their soul and body over time. At the same time I am inhibited by their repeated reminders of my faults and my own strong awareness of my unloving and legalistic overtones that come from my years of conditioning. I know how reactive I felt most of my life when my Dad and others around me tried to address and correct issues and attitudes in me that they were concerned about. That single trigger is the easily is the easily accessed defense my children use to shut me off and keep me from saying anything that causes them discomfort.

Of course, looking at this situation this bluntly exposes the opposite danger but does not offer an obvious solution that is truly effective. Just blurting out warnings that tend to only create feelings of condemnation is not a Christ-like way attracting my family to Jesus. The insight in today's Utmost gives me a very good principle to apply to this problem.

I have been waiting for a clearer knowledge of salvation instead of having confidence in the power of the gospel. “If in preaching the Gospel you substitute your clear knowledge of the way of salvation for confidence in the power of the Gospel, you hinder people getting to Reality. You have to see that while you proclaim your knowledge of the way of salvation, you yourself are rooted and grounded in faith in God. Never rely on the clearness of your exposition, but as you give your exposition see that you are relying on the Holy Spirit. Rely on the certainty of God's redemptive power, and He will create His own life in souls.” (Dec 3) I need to shift my faith away from my ability to explain and away from my own experience that is still very much in process and imperfect, and focus much more on the power and Reality of Redemption.

I really don't know what that would look or sound like, but it certainly has the ring of truth. I await further revelation and empowerment from God to cause me to walk in His ways in this area of my life and relationships.

Stunted Fruit

One of the reasons I do not bear “much fruit” as Jesus designed for me to is because I indulge in too many “growth inhibitors”. While analyzing my life for what these might be can easily devolve into old familiar legalism, ignoring them can also be legalism. As Morris Vendon says, “the only difference between liberals and conservatives is the contents of their checklists. Conservative legalists are proud of all the things they don't do and liberals are proud of all the things they are not avoiding. But both are stuck on their lists.”

I have grown enough now to be much more aware of the importance of my dynamic relationship with God more than any list, positive or negative. Since I have started becoming more and more aware of my heart I also am noticing more how events and decisions influence and affect my heart relationships and my heart's ability to synchronize with God. And while presently during this period of probation many things may not break my relationship with God, they certainly inhibit my spiritual growth and stunt the natural fruit that God wants to produce in me.

This stunted fruit production in turn reflects poorly back on God's reputation since He is the one responsible for me. It is His reputation that is profaned before my world even more than mine. I'm sure glad He has a plan to resolve this problem that He has laid out in Ezekiel 36 and 37. I choose to continue to hold Him to His word and ask Him to give me a spirit of cooperation with Him in removing these lusts for the inhibitors in my life. I look to God again to continue to the finish the salvage work He has begun in me for His name's sake.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," declares the LORD. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts. "For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, And do not return there without watering the earth And making it bear and sprout, And furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater; So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth; It will not return to Me empty, Without accomplishing what I desire, And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it. "For you will go out with joy And be led forth with peace; The mountains and the hills will break forth into shouts of joy before you, And all the trees of the field will clap their hands. (Isaiah 55:8-12)

Abandonment or Force

Pastor John Abbott said something in his sermon today that got my mind going. He said that fear is a feeling of not being in control and anger is our attempt to regain control.

Oswald Chambers in My Utmost for His Highest talks persistently about abandonment. Jesus said if we want to follow after Him we have to deny ourself and take us our cross. When all the disciples forsook Jesus and Peter denied Him they were abandoning their public connection with Him. They could not control Him or what was happening so they abandoned Him in fear.

This is the very same thing Jesus insists we must do to follow Him, only to ourselves instead of to Him. Maybe this plays into a definition of the “fear of the Lord”. What we fear actually controls us. If we understand fear as lose of control and we abandon control of our lives to God, then the fear of God makes more sense. Satan's version of fear is always based on force and intimidation. God's version of fear is based on abandonment of control induced in a response to love and attraction to the beauty of His character.

Forgiveness is also abandonment. It is letting go of our craving for revenge, our hatred, our bitterness, our scorekeeping. It is releasing our attempt to control the other person both directly or indirectly through our comments about them to others.

The beast of Revelation and the image to the beast both represent the innate principle of the world's system of using force to conform and control others. God's system is not any variant of that principle but is totally different. God never uses force to control. His ways are so different that our language does not contain very many words to approximate or explain it. Most of our words reflect centuries of satanic principles and relationships.

The essence, the root concept underlying the beast and it's image is using political and physical force to achieve spiritual results. Religion is largely a very distorted imitation of real spirituality, an amalgamation of spiritual internal moral principles mixed with external performance-based behaviors designed to achieve value. When we personally or collectively appeal to civil authorities to settle any problems we have between believers we have ourselves set up an image to the beast. We are now worshiping power and force and have aligned our thinking with the world's principles of relating to one another. No matter how adamantly we believe we have the truth or worship on the right day, the motives we demonstrate in our relationships with each other betray the true character that will determine our choices when the real test comes.

The cross is a symbol of absolute control and complete loss of control. It was the epitome of control and intimidation by the Romans who were obsessed with the use of force. A person attached to a cross was stripped of all control over himself by sheer force. He even lost control of his ability to die quickly to avoid prolonged and excruciating pain - total control by the executioners and total lose of control by the executed.

But Jesus advocated and demonstrated something very different. Instead of resisting the torture and shame, He abandoned control voluntarily through continuous forgiveness and love. He abandoned Himself to God and did not resist evil done to Him. Resistance is the attempt to overcome force with force. This is the world's system and lies at the base of Satan's kingdom. Jesus demonstrated that evil cannot be so bad, so horrendous that goodness cannot outshine it. Darkness cannot destroy light, it ends up highlighting it. Lies cannot be assembled and rearranged long enough to create truth, they end up confirming it.

Unholy Trio

In our discussion at the Tuesday nights men's group a new insight emerged. Some were struggling with internal issues which is normal for that time. My mind went back to the original subversive elements introduced in the Garden of Eden; fear, shame and blame. Suddenly it dawned on me what lies behind each of these false principles. There are three basic lies or application of lies.

Fear – at its deepest root all of our fear is based on lies about God, on our twisted view of God that causes us to doubt that He will take care of us or wants the best for us and will protect us. When we really know God and believe in His goodness and rest in His love, all fear will be extinguished. Perfect love casts out fear.

Shame – in all its aspects is simply based on lies about myself, whether received from others or created in my own mind. Shame is a sense of worthlessness, of not being valuable, feeling that I am a mistake and am not worth caring about. Our natural response to counteract shame is pride – our personal attempt to add value to ourself to fill the void inside. So any form of pride is also based on shame which is based on lies about ourselves.

Blame – is our attempt to shift responsibility from myself to someone else to resolve the first two problems. This is based on lies we choose to believe and even create about others. Blame becomes the lock that keeps us from facing our issues honestly because we are waiting for someone else to change or for circumstances to get better etc. This rounds out the unholy trio that prevents us from growing in grace and in healthy relationships with others and with God.

Why Intercession?

Why is Jesus interceding before God on our behalf when God is not angry toward us? I have learned clearly that God feels the same toward us as Jesus does, with complete and unchangeable compassion, mercy and love. The problem is all on the human side rooted in the lies we believe about God. So, if Jesus and God are identical in thought and perspective and motives, why is there anything to plead? It seems you only approach someone to intercede when there is at least some difference between your thinking and the person you are talking to. It seems more logical that all of the pleading would be directed toward the parties that contain the ideas that need changing. If God does not need His mind or heart changed toward us then what is the pleading for?

Maybe the desires of God that need intercession of a mediator are actually opposite of what we usually have assumed. Maybe Jesus is an intercessor because of His unique position as the only human being who fully understands and has experienced th “wrath” of God. Once we understand clearly that God's wrath is actually God's overwhelming passionate love that is lethal when exposed to sin, it becomes a little clearer why we need an intercessor.

Jesus may be pleading with God to restrain Himself from revealing more of His passion than we are capable of surviving. The very thing that we need to draw us to God and toward repentance – a revelation of His heart of infinite love – is also the very same thing that creates hell for us when encountered under the lying filters of sin. “Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.” (Lam. 3:22)

Sanctuary

What is the meaning of “sanctuary”? By definition a wildlife sanctuary is a place that is protected from undue disturbance or threat so that certain wildlife can live there in peace and thrive and flourish.

Our hearts and bodies were designed by God to be His sanctuary. My heart should be a place where He can relax and live in safety from attacks or slander from false gods inside me.

Natural Obedience

(see My Utmost for His Highest for today's reading) Natural obedience as contrasted with legalistic formula-based obedience, is like being able to drive a car or ride a bicycle without having to concentrate on it. When something unusual happens our attention becomes much more focused, but we still have the subconscious skills largely in control.

When we are learning to drive, the skills mostly begin as external rule-based exercises that often feel very complicated and even awkward. But as our subconscious mind assimilates and coordinates more and more of the necessary movements, data, facts and limitations, then the skill is largely internalized and the conscious mind is freed up to think and dwell on more interesting things.

If some of those skills are learned incorrectly or maybe ignored in favor of some other stronger desires, like the craving for speed or the body-pressing sensation of acceleration and power, external forces may be employed to remind us of the parameters imposed on drivers. Or, if our subconscious mind is impaired by drugs or sleep-deprivation, we may find our natural ability to drive largely missing, endangering ourselves and those around us.

When I tried to drive home one time while under the strong influence of pain medications I found out the stark difference between driving naturally and driving with only the conscious part of the brain. It was terrifying as well as very exhausting.

So too is external obedience. It may look right and be technically correct according to code, but if it does not flow naturally from a heart fed and nourished by love it consumes most of our attention and energy and leaves us more and more exhausted and frustrated. In God's economy it is not really obedience, but just performance of self-promotion.

“Beware of making a fetish of consistency to your convictions instead of being devoted to God. 'I shall never do that' – in all probability you will have to, if you are a saint. There never was a more inconsistent Being on this earth than Our Lord, but He was never inconsistent to His Father. The one consistency of the saint is not to a principle, but to the Divine life. It is the Divine life which continually makes more and more discoveries about the Divine mind. It is easier to be a fanatic than a faithful soul, because there is something amazingly humbling, particularly to our religious conceit, in being loyal to God.” (My Utmost for His Highest 11-14)

The Results of Prophecying

God's clear word to me this morning was in both devotionals and climaxed with Eze. 37:9 reminding me of the promise of God twice given to me in the past in 1 Sam. 10:6,7.

What is my testimony? How are others influenced to believe about God when they read my blog or hear my words? It cannot be a matter of faking a good front – that is dishonesty. But what am I dwelling on?What is my underlying perception of reality that I paint? Am I only going part way by being hones about my feelings and struggles with my attempts at more self-disclosure?

Maybe that's it. I am trying to be honest in self-disclosure but I am not giving Jesus enough air time. When my testimony takes on the attributes of being clear and strong for God, others will be refreshed. I will speak of His love without hesitation. I have to admit, I am not doing that now.

When darkness and unbelief is in my heart it is manifested in my testimony. The answer is NOT in changing my testimony to sound more appropriate and in line with the rule; the answer is to have more light and faith and joy in my heart.

“Do not gratify the enemy by dwelling upon the dark side of your experience, but trust Jesus for help to resist temptation. If we thought and talked more of Jesus and less of ourselves, we should have much more of His presence.”

“When we make our Christian experience appear to unbelievers, or to one another, as one that is joyless, filled with trial, doubt, and perplexity, we dishonor God; we do not correctly represent Jesus or the Christian faith. We have a friend in Jesus, who has given us the most marked evidence of His love, and who is able and willing to give life and salvation to all who come unto Him....

“It is not necessary for us to be ever stumbling and repenting and mourning and writing bitter things against ourselves. It is our privilege to believe the promises of the Word of God, and accept the blessings that Jesus lives to bestow, that our joy may be full.” (RH 7-20-1886)

“We have to battle through our moods into absolute devotion to the Lord Jesus, to get out of” our narrow, self-focused, depressed view “of our own experience into abandoned devotion to Him.... Think of the meanness of the miserable faith we have” in contrast to what Jesus can do for us. “He can present us faultless before the throne of God, unutterably pure, absolutely rectified and profoundly justified. Stand in implicit adoring faith in Him.

“Jesus Christ wants our absolute abandon of devotion to Himself.... Our Faith must be built in strong emphatic confidence in Him.

“It is along this line that we see the rugged impatience of the Holy Ghost against unbelief. All our fears are wicked, and we fear because we will not nourish ourselves in our faith.” (My Utmost for His Highest 11-13)

The Spirit impressed me with these important messages of conviction and then led me to Eze. 37. This chapter is closely linked with 36 and is wonderful good news for all of us struggling these issues, with darkness in our hearts and a shell of external faith that is internally infected with subtle unbelief.

I, and most of the people around me, are very much like dry bones. We are devoid of very much spiritual vitality, we are in many ways disconnected with those around us and often confused inside. We are the whole house of Israel in verse 11 that feel like “our bones are dried up and our hope has perished. We are completely cut off.”

The wonderful message is, since we fit the description and we are also the ones who have profaned God's reputation with our sorry, weak testimony (chap. 36), then we qualify perfectly to have God do to us everything promised and described in both these chapters.

But one thing sharply caught my attention in 37:9. It is what I see as the “rugged impatience of the Holy Ghost” I had just read about in My Utmost. God is urgent when He says, “Prophecy to the breath, prophecy, son of man...” The Lord was speaking directly to me, urging me and reminding me that the words of my testfying become self-fulfilling prophecies to a great extent. This is why it is important to dwell largely on the goodness and beauty and power of God, not just my struggles and confusion.

I must be willing to be honest and open about myself, yes. But I must go beyond that and prophecy to the breath as well as to the bones. As shown in the first prophecy in this story, prophesying to the bones may result in wonderful reconnections, reconstruction and getting things back to their original functions. But their was still no life there in all these reassembled bodies. The prophecier must turn his attention beyond the reconstruction of our messed up lives to the Source of life itself.

And then I remembered the prophecy about me received twice over the last year or two and impressed deeply upon my heart each time. God's plan for me is along these very lines and described in 1 Sam. 10:6,7. “The Spirit of the Lord will come on you with power, and you will be acting like a prophet with them and will be changed into another man. And when these signs come to you, see that you take the chance which is offered you: for God is with you.”

For God is with me. That is the ultimate definition of joy, and the joy of the Lord is strength.

The Whale Song

I had a series of dreams last night that, as usual, I can't recall most of them. But the last one woke me up with strong emotions. In it one of my old classmates, Rick Westermeyer, was doing a video presentation that illustrated a new song. The music and words were emerging from various other sources that seem too foggy and strange for my logical awake mind to reassemble, but the resulting single little ditty I quickly put back together soon after I woke up from the dream at a very early hour.

The music as best I can reassemble it went something like this: (pardon my crude way of notation)

E-D-C- -C

FFFEED- - -

G-F-E-EFD

C-B-C- - -

The video clip was of a supernatural whale that I began to realize represented Jesus, swimming in the vast ocean opening up his mouth to swallow up the surrounding filth and poison that was contaminating the surrounding water. I could see at first hundreds of gallons of water falling into the cavernous open mouth just below the surface of the water as the whale slowly surfaced head-first. Then the whale would turn, dive and return to the surface for another huge gulp. Since not all of the pollution had been eliminated, the ratio of the scene dramatically increased so that the size of the whale relative to the surroundings increased exponentially. It was like the first gulp was relative to one person's filth floating around in the water and the next gulp was a whole countries contamination. Then the pollution from the whole world was taken in and finally the ocean represented the whole cosmos as the whale continued to swallow into himself all the floating debris that threatened the purity of the waters.

The words of the song were equally very simple, like a little child would make up. It was just these:

Love, love, love

Can swallow up anything.

Love, God's love can swallow up

Anything at all.

The reality of the truth behind this little song that absolutely nothing, no amount of sin no matter how disgusting, evasive or widespread that can be found anywhere in the universe is outside the ability of Jesus to ingest into Himself and overcome its negative effects on the surroundings – the reality suddenly hit me in that dream and my amazement and gratitude and relief overwhelmed me with sudden, intense emotion and I woke up almost crying. The song kept running over and over in my mind for the next several hours of the early morning as I wonder why it is here.

For awhile I wondered why the emotion faded so quickly but the song remained. I craved a longer period of intensity and started to ask God to bring back the original emotion and let me feel it again. But I was reminded that my life must not be rooted and grounded on emotions but on the facts of redemption. Emotions are not wrong – they can be very helpful sometimes in clarifying our attention and focusing us on something. But they can easily become addictive if I want to always live from emotion more than the reality of God Himself. Emotions can just as easily be produced by lies as by truth. They are not bad or good of themselves, but they make for very unreliable footing material to build a solid structure over.

My pride god was embarrassed by the simplicity of this song. It is afraid of what people will think of me if I share this story with them. Another part of me wonders if someone will hear this and receive wonderful confirmation of something they received from God themselves. I don't know if that thought is from God's Spirit in me or a more devious face of my pride or may some of both.At any rate, I will simply accept what I have been given and see what happens after this.

I also wonder how much this “revelation” was influenced by the movie I watched last night about the Tucker automobile story. The spirit that Mr. Tucker demonstrated was so radically different and uncommon that it definitely stirred my curiosity and disrupted the status quo box I am often stuck in.

O.K. It happens again! The devotional I read after writing the above strongly reinforces what was given and written before I knew what I was going to read. To Be Like Jesus exposes the reality and a glimpse of the immensity of our very closely connected family in heaven with us here on earth. The angel choirs literally take up our thanksgiving and praise and incorporate it into their own songs immediately. This means that instead of being a stupid little ditty that my pride is ashamed of, I may have been entrusted with a solo part of one of heaven's current hit anthems. The music may be a theme line that the angels embellish and amplify and fill all the arches of heaven with when I am willing to accept my place and sing my little part from my heart. This is more than awesome!

Ezekiel 36 again.

Well, I've spent considerable time wondering what caused me to fail so spectacularly the other day at the airport. I'm not too interested in deep answers right now, I want to know the real reason. I know it is part of God's plan to allow the worst in me to be exposed to create opportunity for me to deal with it. This betrayed some of my deepest root weaknesses, but what to do is still a mystery.

This morning I finally felt like I could hear God again. Yesterday I could hear some warnings but felt very unsettled all day no matter how I prayed. The devotional To Be Like Jesus said I should not separate Christ from my life and family, and close the doors against Him by un-Christlike words and actions. That description certainly fit me very well. But this morning I felt like the Children of Israel after the defeat at Ai.

It was such a small trigger with such a large reaction that, even while it was happening, I was aware this was tapping into something else much deeper. Evidently rebellion and pride are still holding large tracts of real estate in my soul. I feel like I have been wounded by a traitor in my midst. The false gods revealed their true character by betraying my integrity for various valuables cherished and hidden by them. It may be interesting and useful to know what they are hiding, but the real problem is not just the monetary mis-value beliefs I have but the deeper attitudes of the false Achan-like gods that infect my mind and rob me of God's presence when I need it most.

I think the setup started when I got sucked into watching the movie The Family Stone with my kids the night before. That created all kinds of moral lies and scenarios in our minds and laid the infrastructure for the enemy to access me much easier. Then the intense emotions during my discussion with my sister on the way to the airport elevated my emotional state so I was much closer to danger than I usually am.

Analyzing what could have been different may be helpful or may be a decoy to detract from the real issue. In My Utmost this morning it seemed to finger the core issue quite plainly. Self-pity takes me out of trusting God and creates an atmosphere of fear in my life that will always result in failure, either in small ways or with spectacular public fireworks.

Ezekiel 36 again!

So..........!!!! I'm angry!!! I just went through security at Detroit airport and they STOLE my body wash and expensive toothpaste that I just bought in their ruthless terror-promoting frenzy of inane rules designed to crush the spirit of every person in this country. My adrenaline is still so high it is hard to write legibly.

So, why am I mad – really? Because I am a victim of injustice, robbery and insult. Because I value the bitterness from monetary loss more than my peace or the spirit I project to those around me. My independence has been assaulted by the use of force and intimidation. My pride is wounded a little and my imagination is eager to indulge in scenarios of what I could have attempted to do to return the insults – like pouring the soap all over the conveyor belt or squirting it all over the security guys. Now that would really generate kind feelings, wouldn't it?

Of course, the only responses they have waiting for disturbers of their grinding bureaucratic forces are harassment at best or more likely arrest and much more harrasment and even more economic expense. That's all a very slippery slope to deep disaster just to vent my feelings for a few seconds. And in the process I drop into a very deep hole socially and maybe even spiritually that would certainly create lots of fuel for tongues to way.

Letter vs. Spirit

It takes humility and heart-sight to be willing to focus more on the spirit I convey as more important than being right, convincing the other that my interpretations are more accurate than theirs. The letter kills but the spirit gives life. What am I conveying in my interactions with people, life or death? If I insist on being right I may “win” the claim to being right, but how and what do I do with it? It is tainted with the subtle poison of force and profanes God's name; it feeds my pride and makes me feel justified but it is self-justified which by nature precludes justification by faith in Jesus.

We are always justified by faith, but faith in who or what? If we place our faith in how carefully our logic is assembled we trust in our own wisdom. If faith is in a string of proof-texts and quotations we are trusting others who assembled them for us. If we assemble them ourselves it has the potential to be even more subtle because we can actually put more faith in the “Word” or God than in the God of the Word. Many put more faith in EGW than in the God behind the writings. All of these things have one common element/ingredient that can have the strong potential to keep us self-deceived – the letter.

As important as having valid information is, it is even more important to have the right spirit, which in essence is simply an outgrowth or result of a right relationship to God based on a view of what He is really like that is constantly improving and updating. If we love our beliefs, our arguments, our church, even the consistency of our interpretations more than God Himself, it is the same as loving father and mother more than Jesus. The result is, we cannot be His disciple.

We are loving our own life and beliefs more than abandoning ourselves to His redemption – the letter kills but the spirit gives life. I may be full of verbal and biblical truth but still be imparting a sense of death by my spirit profaning God's name among the nations. (Eze. 36) We know we have crossed over from death into life, from darkness into light when love for one another is more important than “being right”.

Lord, train my mind to surrender control to allow me to live from my heart.

Ps. 143:8

(See My Utmost for His Highest for 11-6) The danger of obsession with understanding truth greater than a personal obsession for intimacy with God.

Relationship Roots

The cause and effect of relationships determines the stability and durability of our relationships. For instance, if I form an intimate relationship with a woman based primarily on her beauty, obviously the relationship is in jeopardy when age begins to take its toll or even when she looks scruffy and unkempt. Or if my relationship with someone is based on their kind ways or sweetness or their brilliance, when those characteristics come up missing then our relationship may easily become unstable and rocky.

On the surface this all seems very plain and obvious, but it also seems to be very subtle and overlooked on the experiential level. It seems we have a very hard time being honest enough with ourselves to admit our true motives, probably for fear of the shame we would feel if we were to admit the truth. The fruit betrays the root. This may be the easiest access to begin uncovering my true motives. Of course if I don't want to know my true motives because I have no good alternative to replace them, then likely I will use any maneuver to avoid going there.

When my relationship with someone is marked by sudden disconnects or ugly feelings and I entertain thoughts of reducing my involvement in the relationship to reduce or avoid my pain, that is a sure sign that to some degree this relationship is based on externals. I say externals not just in the sense of physical but anything outside of a connection between our true hearts. Externals are great additions to sweeten and enhance the pleasure of relationships. But if the relationship foundation itself is not composed of selfless caring for the other person's heart it is in constant danger of crumbling and failure. Remember the house on the sand?

Most of us enter into relationships based on externals. This may be unavoidable and maybe even guided many times by heavenly influence. The problem lies in not investing the time and effort to mix cement into the initial sand, water it and form it up deep so it can harden into a reliable foundation that can withstand the storms that inevitably will strike. 1 Corinthians 13 may be a good description of what a good solid foundation looks like. But I am curious. What is cement? What is water? What is sand?

Work on the Affirmative Side

Our right brain learns primarily by imitation, by being mentored. I am starting to see a little more clearly how poor a mentorer I am. When people watch me to learn how to act under different situations and pressures they are often seeing more a mirror of their own problems than they are seeing the responses from the spirit of heaven.

I want people to see how blindly defensive they are and how they thereby are avoiding facing their “stuff”. But when they trigger my stuff what do I do? My first overwhelming impulse is to feel defensive and point out their stuff – which is exactly how they react in turn. A vicious and accelerating cycle.

I want people to not make assumptions about what I am thinking. But I also expect them to read my mind when I am afraid to express my true feelings. I want people to understand my true heart motives in spite of my words and actions that seem to convey the opposite. But when others treat me by doing the same thing I want them to be more honest about expressing their real core feelings. I want people to live from their hearts and not just from head formulas or from their triggers. I want people to take ownership of their “stuff” and be willing to be humble enough to admit and apologize when they hurt me. But how often and willing am I to do the same for them? Very little I'm afraid.

Therefore, I really may understand them quite well because they are simply reflecting my unresolved “stuff” back to me and I don't like what I see and experience from them. They don't like it when they see their unresolved issues reflected in me and so they attack the mirror and blame it/me for everything bad they see about themselves. That really hurts when I am the mirror being spit at and slapped around emotionally.

I need much more grace and heart-sight to break this closed cycle. I need radical healing of my triggers so I don't mirror other's problems back to them. I need to look more frequently at the mirror-face of Jesus to get more acquainted with my true identity and value. “But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit.” (2 Corinthians 3:18 NAS95) If I can see my real self as God is forming in me I will be more transparent so others will see less “stuff” mirrored back to them and more value as they look through me to catch glimpses of their true self-worth in Jesus' mirror.

I need a spirit of instant forgiveness, humility, unconditional love in the face of abuse. I don't have those qualities very much and I can't produce them. God.......

Just after I finished writing the above I read todays message from the devotional book To Be Like Jesus. It was directly for me in the present. “If there are any of you who have weak faith, remember that it is because you do not work on the affirmative side. It is of no use for us to think that we can carry forward the glorious work of God without strong, unfaltering faith.... Those who have educated themselves to stand on the negative side should without delay repent and be converted. Remember that when you stand on the negative side, accusing and condemning, you make room for the agencies of the power of darkness. Precious time has to be spent in waging war against these agencies, because there were those who refused to stand on the affirmative side.... "Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory." Satan is behind all strife and vainglory. Let us get out of his company, and stand with those who say, "Victory is for us, and we will cling to the arm of infinite power."

I have weak faith because I do not work on the affirmative. I cannot reveal more of God's glory without strong, unfaltering faith. I can see that I have been programmed to stand on the negative side, as many around me have as well. I need to repent and be converted without delay. When I take the negative side I make room for the power of Satan. The negative side involves accusing and condemning. This extends the time needed for healing since more baggage is created that then has to be resolved along with the original problems, all because I refuse to stand on the affirmative side.

Satan is behind all strife and vainglory. Those two sound like two sides of a common coin – the two branches of the Tree of Death.

The solution? From the reading I see these:

• Seek the Lord with my whole heart so He will come very near me.

• Take hold and present God's promises to Him.

• Ask God to lead and direct.

• Work only on the affirmative side.

• Think of all that God has done for us.

• Praise God for all blessings.

• Always draw others with affirmation.

• Repent and be converted from negative thinking to affirmation.

• Do not refuse to change.

• Get out of Satan's company.

• Say affirmatively, “Victory is for us.”

• Cling to the arm of infinite power.

In My Utmost For His Highest the reading for today also reminds me that obedience comes from oneness of spirit. I either synchronize with Satan by dwelling on the negative or I synchronize with God's heart and work only on the affirmative. God, change me!

If I want to be a useful disciple, I must give up my right to myself to Jesus. God does not operate primarily by rules, but in relationship. If I hesitate to obey it is because I love a false god more than Him. Jesus will not “help” me obey – I must choose and then experience His power to do it. Obedience creates and spreads life.