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Thursday, June 07, 2007

Stubbornness

Rom. 2:5. What lies at the root of this stubbornness and unrepentance? I see some clues in the context as well as its counterpart described in verse 7. It is important for me to find out because this chapter too aptly describes my condition. So if I want to get out of this position I need to understand what it is I am trying to escape and what the true and healthy condition looks like. I am looking at the surrounding verses to see what is being resisted, which is really what stubbornness is composed of.

I see resistance in thinking lightly of “the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience.”

I see a real problem in “not knowing the kindness of God.” Not knowing this – really knowing and believing it – prevents me from laying down my resistance to Him and enjoying repentance.

I may be stubborn in resisting what Paul has pointed out about having the same problems that I condemn or criticize others for. Or if I grudgingly admit them, I may think that God will overlook it in me while wanting Him to “judge” them (v. 1-3).

I may be stubborn in ways that are similar to the root causes of the problems described in chapter 1 but with different visible fruit than what is described there. I certainly often discover selfish ambition that creeps into much of what I do. I am embarrassed to detect it, even sometimes in my desire to share my thoughts and feelings in this format. It may not be my dominant motive, but my motives for so many things are so often mixed with at least a little bit of selfishness. And to refuse to acknowledge that, at least to myself and to God, is to remain in stubbornness.

Stubbornness may show up if I insist on believing lies about God after I have seen His beauty and the truth about Him. This shows up in verse 8 where “wrath and indignation” are often characteristics attributed to God and by extension exhibited in me. But this produces instability in my life according to James 1:8. I cannot believe opposite things about God at the same time and expect to live a life of faith.

A spirit of stubbornness is revealed when sometimes I do not listen to my conscience even though I claim to be a Christ-follower. I am then exposed as a fraud by “unbelievers” who are more conscientious than I am and display a better spirit, but I remain stubborn in self-defensiveness and pride.

I can entertain stubbornness by not living from my heart while relying on my outward performance, my knowledge of religion and boasting in my connection to God and His people (v.17). My confidence in my ability to be a guide to others, a light to the darkened, a corrector of the foolish, a teacher of the immature and in having a knowledge of the truth can be tainted with stubbornness (v. 19,20). Those things are not necessarily bad – they are in fact very important. But they do not preclude the liability of hidden pride and stubbornness preventing me from entering into the intimacy and joy of a resistance-free, open-hearted relationship with God.

What is stubbornness a counterfeit of? I believe it may be found in verse 7 – perseverance. Perseverance for the right things is a very essential ingredient for any healthy relationship. Perseverance pushes past resistance, fear, misunderstandings and even pain. Perseverance is one of the driving forces of true love. (Maybe stubbornness is perseverance stripped of real love for others and replaced with selfishness.)

Verse 7 reveals what needs to be pursued with perseverance: glory, honor and immortality. Verse 10 shows the results of this pursuit; they will experience glory, honor and peace. I want that in my experience.

God, replace my stubbornness with joyful perseverance today. Make these thoughts not just nice-sounding words of advice but cause my heart to absorb them, experience them and reflect them in my attitudes and responses today. I do not want to store up wrath for myself by my stubbornness, but I choose to pursue real glory, real honor and seek You – the only One who is immortal. Fill me with Your presence and Your peace today and make my life a blessing to others and an honor for Your reputation. Continue Your experiment of grace in my life today.

(next in series)

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Practice Time

Well I certainly don't plan these kinds of experiences but I'm not surprised that God sends them along when they happen. After spending the time thinking through the issues about will power, confessing the truth about our real identity and the effects and uses of negative thinking over the past couple days, I found myself right in the middle of a practice session facing the choice of whether or not I was willing to actually put into practice what I have been putting in print. It is always much easier to profess things and talk about them than it is to actualize them while in a bad mood.

And a bad mood was what I was in for sure. It came on gradually over about an hour or so as I struggled to get a lawn mower to work among other frustrations and irritations. Then as I began to mow my daughter's lawn my mind went to the situation last time it got mowed and I plunged into an avalanche of negative emotions mixed with bitterness, rebellion and anger. It was all very familiar and this time I sort of observed myself objectively while the emotions and thoughts swirled around in my mind. I even thought about how I would document it once it was over but that seemed pretty crass at the time. I knew I had much more important issues to deal with at the heart level and I didn't need my mind busy taking notes for another post.

As I pushed the mower around the yard I began to indulge in accelerating scenarios of revenge that were fast spiraling into pretty nasty scenes in my mind. As I realized that I was just as responsible for these imaginings as if I had really carried them out and my sense of conviction began to equal my sense of injustice and anger and I had to decide if I was going to continue to indulge my lower passions or whether I would ask God to lift me out of this familiar cycle of self-pity and rebellion. Being reminded of the things I had written only very shortly before and remembering the warm intimacy that I had felt with God earlier that morning, I decided to respond to the kindness of God and choose repentance, whatever that would involve.

My feelings were not in any mood for that however, and I had to make some strong choices one by one to step away from them and deliberately ask God to take me to the next step. I remembered writing about confessing the truth about my true identity when in this kind of situation and tried to imagine what that meant in the current moment. I decided to give it a try. If it doesn't work for me then it is totally hypocritical to write about it for others to read and try.

Now I suppose I should put in a parenthetical note for someone wondering what in the world would get me so upset about just mowing a lawn. Well, mowing the lawn was not the upsetting part at all for me. It was doing it under threat and duress that was irritating me so much, and that was not coming from my daughter but from the city who had imposed their sovereign will on this property a couple weeks ago and sent someone to mow the yard without our knowledge or permission. Of course they charged us for the “service” and then slapped a large fine on top of that. Anyone who knows me personally will know that that kind of treatment is one of the most effective ways to trip my triggers that can be done. I will not go into much background on this but just leave it there for a little context.

Anyway, as my emotions had quickly elevated to a pretty intense state I realized that I was again at a moment of opportunity or crisis – that depending on what I made of it. If I sidestepped the opportunity to grow I would be back groveling in my old habits and regrets and have to come back to meet this again. If I faced it I would be entering into new territory and I didn't know where that would take me or what it would look like. I just had to take one little step at a time and ask God to carry me to the next step.

So I am supposed to declare my true identity. What does that mean, really? I am to say the opposite of what I am feeling and thinking right now even though it doesn't sound or feel true at all. But I can enlist my heart to embrace it anyway, so I give it a try. “I am a forgiving person, a child of God full of love and kindness.”

That didn't feel very genuine but I stuck with it and kept pressing on, asking for more of God's Spirit to keep me at it and push back against all of my anger and evil desires toward the “authorities” who had gotten me so riled up before. I began to realize that I was not just feeling hatred toward them but according to Jesus' words I had murder in my heart. I had to take ownership of this truth and admit it to God and to myself before I could be free of it. I then remembered what I had learned and shared about starting out our prayers in the negative to engage the heart before I could move into the positive. “So that's it, Lord! You are giving me a practice session to see if I am willing to be serious about what I have been writing lately, aren't you? Well I don't like it very much, but I am sure I need it anyway.”

I confessed my negative emotions and feelings to God and continued to intentionally focus on what God wanted me to say about myself and about Him. As I began to thank Him for His positive characteristics and claim them for myself through His grace something began to stir inside of me that was very unfamiliar. I began to feel a little momentum that quickly increased in speed and intensity as I continued to inwardly proclaim the truth about the heart Jesus had given me.

The more I asserted these truths the more they came alive and my anger and bitterness began to melt away like cold frost before a hot wind. The passion of God began to fill my soul and I found myself almost in tears with repentance and joy and wonder at what was taking place. It was not me doing it so much as following the lead of the Spirit and reaping the results in my spirit. I continued to choose to thank God and put away my resentment and more and more my mind began to clear and my spirit began to soften. It was nothing short of a miracle – it was new ground for me and almost felt like walking on water. I had to keep my focus on God or I felt I would easily sink back into my old thoughts and viewpoint.

Halfway through the yard I began wondering when the gas would run out. It only had at best a half a tank when I started and I was sure it would run out before I was finished. I did not have any more gas and would have to go find a can and buy some gas if it ran out. Then I began to wonder if God was stretching the gas just to surprise me and bless me. As the mower continued to run and run I then began to wonder if it would run out just as I finished. I had an ongoing dialog with God as I moved from one part of the lawn to another. It dawned on me that this was much better than the bitter recriminations and unsatisfying scenarios that I had started out with. In fact, I was experiencing for myself the process I had recently wrote about by starting out with negative dialog with God and ending up in praise and gratitude for what He was doing inside of me.

As I finished the yard I couldn't help but look inside the tank to see how much was left. The thought came to my mind that the reason I had not run out even when I was finished was because God not only provides for my needs but is a generous God as well. It is just like Him to do things like that especially when I respond to His promptings and allow Him fuller access into my “space”.

I will give praise to the Lord for his righteousness; I will make a song to the name of the Lord Most High. (Psalms 7:17 BBE)

Almighty Will

Today's reading in My Utmost gave me some more insight into something that has stymied me for a long time. In trying to encourage loved ones who are struggling to exercise faith but often only feel doubt and anger toward God, I have wondered what this seemingly insurmountable obstacle was that prevented them from letting go and allowing God to love them more fully. Of course I struggle with the same thing sometimes myself. I knew that it had something to do with the “will”, but sometimes we seem almost incapable of using our will effectively because we cannot figure out what to use it for.

Oswald Chambers makes the bold and startling statement that “the will always agrees with God.” He states that the internal part that renders you powerless is “in your flesh”. But when you look to Jesus you “will find that your will and your conscience are in agreement with Him every time. The thing in you which makes you say 'I shan't' is something less profound than your will; it is perversity, or obstinacy, and they are never in agreement with God. The profound thing in man is his will, not sin. Will is the essential element in God's creation of man: sin is a perverse disposition which entered into man.”

What I began to see here reminds me of what I have been learning about false gods and their hijacking of my identity. When I hear myself saying either internally or externally that “I can't” believe or I can't have faith or anything like that, it is not my real identity, my real heart that is saying that but it is the false gods inside of me masquerading as me and my will. But if what Chambers is saying is correct, then if I am a Christ-follower my will and conscience are both in agreement with Him and will not be going around saying “I can't believe what God says”, because Christ would never say that. Therefore I must conclude like Paul, that it is not really me thinking and feeling those things but “sin that dwells in me” (Romans 7:17).

What I am starting to sense more clearly is that much of our problem is that we are not recognizing and separating our true identity from the false identities that live inside of us and that we have thought all of our lives were really us. They are so much a part of our thinking, feeling and decision-making that we are convinced that they (the false gods) are really who we are and we are helpless to change. What we are actually trying to do, however, is to convince the voices inside of us to change which is an absolute impossibility! But the gospel emphatically proclaims that we are in reality not who we think we are much of the time, but are a new creation with lofty motives and filled with the righteousness of God. Both our will and our conscience are on God's side and deep within our heart we want to be, and attempt to be like God.

So why is our will so powerless? Chambers goes on to give us some excellent insights.

“In a regenerated man the source of will is almighty. 'For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of His good pleasure.' You have to work out with concentration and care what God works in; not work your own salvation, but work it out, while you base resolutely in unshaken faith on the complete and perfect Redemption of the Lord. As you do this, you do not bring an opposed will to God's will, God's will is your will, and the life is as natural as breathing. God is the source of your will, therefore you are able to work out His will. Obstinacy is an unintelligent 'wadge' that refuses to be enlightened; the only thing is for it to be blown up with dynamite, and the dynamite is obedience to the Holy Spirit.

“Do I believe that Almighty God is the source of my will? God not only expects me to do His will, but He is in me to do it.” (MUHH 6/6)

So what is the difference between a powerless will and an Almighty will? It seems to be where we focus our attention. When we dwell on our powerlessness we are parroting what the inner lying spirits are telling us about ourselves and stay enchained in their prison of lies about who we really are. But when we challenge their claims to be us vicariously and choose to obey the Holy Spirit by claiming our real identity in spite of any or all of our feelings, our will suddenly becomes empowered to burst out of the prison of doubting castle and the incarnated Christ can come alive and express Himself from within our souls. We can then realize and experience a new “self” that may be, up to this point, completely unfamiliar to us.

Some feel at this point that this is an act of hypocrisy. “How can I claim to be something I am not?” they say. In a way it is hypocrisy – but not for the real you. It is hypocrisy for the false gods inside of you pretending to be you. Remember, Chambers said that “perversity, or obstinacy... are never in agreement with God” and “refuses to be enlightened.” If we wait until we feel like we are saved and sanctified before we believe it, it will never happen because our feelings have been hijacked and are manipulated by false gods who will never change their minds about who we are. To obey the Holy Spirit means to choose to believe what God says about us and continue to choose as well as to speak it out, declare it, confess it and continually remind ourself of it until and including after we begin to see the results of it externally. We cannot relax from this vigilance until we are safe in heaven and the false gods have been eradicated from our souls.

I say these things, not because I want others to believe them, though I certainly do, but because I need very much to internalize them and practice them myself most of all. In saying them publicly I also open myself up to the accountability of others reminding me of these things when I forget.

Thank-you God for bringing this profound truth to my attention today. Keep me under conviction of my need to confess the truth about myself, my real self that You have created me to be. Yes, I must also acknowledge my real condition and the sin that dwells in me causing me to doubt and believe lies about You and what You have done in me. But remind me that these lies do not originate from the heart you have given me but from the enemy of my soul attempting to abort your work in me. Help me to speak faith, to act in faith and to believe in Your faithfulness. I trust in Your never-ending lovingkindness and Your intense feelings of tenderness when You think of me. Show me Your face and especially Your eyes, for it is there that I find grace and strength and see my true identity.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Good Negative Prayers?

I am thinking that we often begin our prayers to God by expressing the negative feelings of our heart, not so much because they are the best prayers or that God needs to answer them (whatever that might mean) but because it is our way of transitioning from our head to our heart. Effective prayers must come from our heart. Intellectualized prayers are not of much use to man or God, though our churches and lives are filled with them. But what God is most interested in and responds to are prayers that come from deep within our soul. The deeper we are into our heart, the more in touch we are with our real selves when we pray, the easier it is for us to really connect to God and for Him to respond to us.

I was thinking today about what I wrote in my last post about negativity and this idea of negative praying came to my mind. I jotted down the thought some time ago that when we pray our fears we may be worshiping them by reinforcing them instead of God's words about us. But many of the Psalms are quite negative and sometimes even violently so. Was David wrong in penning all this negativity? Or is there something more I need to look at here?

As I thought more about it I realized the importance of praying from the heart and how that often may need to start by learning to be transparently honest about what we are feeling. That very often means telling God how bad we feel or how angry we are or how unfair our situation seems right now. This is very much like many of David's psalms and is our way of getting into our heart instead of just our head initially.

The problem comes, I believe, when we get in the habit of staying there in our negative thoughts and not moving past that to get into God's perspective. While it is very important for us to go into our heart for more effective praying, it is equally important to pay attention to the messages we are giving our heart while still in that “state of mind”. When we fail to move on into the arena of faith and accept the offer of the Spirit to see things from God's perspective, we may then find ourselves reinforcing our negative thought patterns and then planting seeds of darkness that will take root and bear like fruit again. Instead, after expressing our perspective and going into our heart by honest expressions of our emotions, we should then listen and also express God's thoughts and feelings about the situation. When we do that we may find ourselves, like David, more often ending up our prayers as praise sessions and celebrations of God's goodness, faithfulness and lovingkindness instead of limping "help me" prayers.

Maybe that is one reason why reading the Psalms is so effective for overcoming depression and discouragement, because they force us not only to express our anger and frustrations openly but to also take into account God's point of view and begin speaking words of hope and confidence to our heart while it is still wide open before God.

So I believe there is a place for expressing our negative feelings, particularly when talking directly to God in private, personal communion with Him. It is an effective way to allow our heart to be heard and feel safe to be more open and vulnerable as we realize that God is interested and willing to listen to our side of the story. This is true in our relationships and conversations with each other. When we take the time to really listen to someone and acknowledge their feelings or frustrations they are then often much more willing to listen to us as we share our thoughts and suggestions with them. But from the other side, it is important to not short-circuit the relationship by cutting off the discussion before giving the other person a chance to respond after unloading on them when we need to vent.

The same is true when we talk with God. He is certainly big enough and not threatened in the least by any of our venting or outbursts. But we need to equally give Him a chance to bring in His healing and give us the change of vision and heart that will bring us the peace that we so desperately need. This kind of two-directional praying will allow our hearts to grow and thrive and increase our rate of maturing.

This is not to say that all of our prayers need to start out negatively. The key I believe is more about being honest about what is in our heart at the moment than what it is we say. It is just as true that when we are feeling joyful, excited, filled with awe or any other number of human emotions that we should express these spontaneously to God as well. God wants intimacy with us and that means sharing everything with Him in full honesty and transparency. Getting there is the process of Christian growth that we are all going through and the goal is to move up the levels of maturity so that we can not only be closer to God but can be used by Him to nurture and care for the hearts of others who are less able to sense His presence or even trust Him yet.

Am I just trying to justify hanging on to excuses for negative thinking? Or is this something that God accepts or even encourages as part of our growing process? What do you think?

Blessing vs. Negativity

There is a convergence taking place right now of many threads of wisdom from various times and sources. Bits of open-hearted conversations with those close to my heart, revelations by the Spirit during my times of study and insights from things I have read and heard from other people inspired by the same Spirit. It feels like the little swelling upward of water creating noticeable waves when two currents of water come together. But it is sometimes so subtle and complex and heart-based that it is impossible for my left brain to capture much of it into language. But then it is afraid that if it is not recorded that it will become lost again.

Sounds like a temptation of fear, that does. In fact, that very thing is one of the parts of this convergence that I have been warned about just a few minutes ago. While reading My Utmost I began to sense this welling up of convergence and near the end of the passage for today this temptation to fear was addressed directly. Then as I returned to Romans 2 to see what the Spirit had for me this morning the current continued to swell and strengthen as I meditated on yet another facet of how I need to correctly relate to God. The difficult part that I struggle with is how to keep my heart as open and aware of its impressions and feelings while at the same time engaging my left brain to attempt its interview with the right side to try and write it all down. If that doesn't make any sense to you, that's OK. I am speaking from the context of what I have learned over the past few years about living from my heart and how the physical brain functions in relationship to my awareness and my relationships both with others and with God.

I again found myself speaking words that were meant as much for my own admonition yesterday as for the benefit of the close friend that I was speaking with. It usually is never intended that way – at least by me – when I am speaking the words, but after they come out I am immediately convicted strongly that my own heart and mind need to apply my counsel even more strongly to myself than what I want for the person I am talking with. That is not to say that they cannot benefit from them, it is just that the principle of “you spot it – you got it” once again kicks in and I need to receive for myself what I am being impressed to share with someone else.

The advice in consideration here was just received from someone else earlier in the day as they relayed how God had convicted them on this point. It involves the issues of blessing and our relationships with our children as well as our natural disposition towards negative thinking, speaking and even praying. It was pointed out through a story of someone else's experience that God is not real interested in answering negative prayers for our children but that is how we often pray. That would explain much of our frustration as to why it seems that God is not answering our prayers so often.

As the story was told to me, the mother changed her praying from talking to God about all of her children's problems to prayers of positive blessings and affirmations over her children. Almost immediately her children noticed the difference in attitude in their mother and their own lives began to respond positively. They began to desire and even wait for their blessing before leaving home each morning and their attitudes began to noticeable change. God was able to begin working in their hearts in ways that were not seen before as the tenor of the parents prayers shifted from a focus on their faults to intentional expressions of faith.

This really hit me between the eyes because it is one of my weakest areas and a real blind spot for me. When I reflect on the nature, not only of many of my prayers but of my general subjects of conversation and even writing, I see a strong undercurrent that often draws me toward focusing on the negative and discussing the down side. I still believe there needs to be a certain amount of acknowledgment of real issues and problems, but to dwell there and make the problems my center of gravity keeps me too far from the life-giving atmosphere of the reality of God's redemption. Oswald Chambers addresses this repeatedly in his writings and I need to be reminded of it often. Our lives need to be based on the foundational reality of redemption; everything we do, think and say needs to be within that context and based on that paradigm.

As I shared with one of my daughters yesterday this idea of praying blessings instead of just problems, the words had no sooner left my mouth than I realized that I needed very much to live this out with every one of my children and family members if I want to see more of God's influence in their lives. To even say this publicly is feeling quite vulnerable because I expect to hear potential accusations when people don't see me doing what I am saying. But then, that's yet another example of negative thinking that tries to prevent me from living in the positive, life-giving presence of God on a daily basis. So I will choose to speak out what the Spirit is speaking in and see what happens from here.

This morning as I read My Utmost I realized that God wants to reinforce this message to my heart. “My say-so is to be built on God's say-so. God says – 'I will never leave you,' then I can with good courage say – “The Lord is my helper, I will not fear –“, I will not be haunted by apprehension. This does not mean that I will not be tempted to fear, but I will remember God's say-so. I will be full of courage, like a child 'bucking himself up' to reach the standard his father wants. Faith in many a one falters when the apprehensions come; they forget the meaning of God's say-so, forget to take a deep breath spiritually. The only way to get the dread taken out of us is to listen to God's say-so.

“...Are you learning to say things after listening to God, or are you saying things and trying to make God's word fit in? Get hold of the Father's say-so, and then say with good courage – 'I will not fear.' It does not matter what evil or wrong may be in the way, He has said – 'I will never leave you.'” (MUHH 6/5)

As I again opened my Bible to see what was in Romans 2 for me this morning I found the same theme continued in my lesson today. I looked at verse 5 and asked, “what are we being stubborn about that causes us to store up wrath for ourself?” As I continued to read on further I saw a pattern emerging along the same lines as my lessons about negative thinking that God is working with me on.

When I continue to choose to dwell on the negative side of problems and have a critical spirit, I am found to be among those described in this chapter as not seeking (filling my thoughts with) glory, honor and immortality, but among those who are selfishly ambitious and do not obey the truth. The truth is the positive power of God to transform lives and breath life into our dead and dying souls. The truth is that God is glorious and wants to fill us with His glory. The truth is that honor is uplifting and when I focus on honoring not only God but my children and my wife and my friends in words of blessing and affirmation I will begin to see more life being passed through me to them and our relationships will begin to thrive and grow much deeper.

If instead I obey unrighteousness, wrath and indignation (verse 8), I will experience and produce more tribulation and distress which in fact is the very act of storing up wrath for myself to be revealed fully in the day of wrath and revelation of the righteous judgment of God (verse 5).

What I am seeing here is the contrast in basic attitude and the direction of vision between these two groups of people described in this chapter. One group is religious, they claim to have “the Law” which means they believe they are living according to God's rules and deserve to be saved. Paul even says they bear the name of God, they rely on the Law and boast in God, they know His will and approve the things that are essential, being instructed out of the Law. They are confident that they are a guide to the blind, a light to those who are in darkness, a corrector of the foolish, a teacher of the immature, having in the Law the embodiment of knowledge and of the truth (verses 17-20).

That certainly sound like a classic description of a “good Christian” today. And yet these are the very ones previously revealed as those who are stubborn and unrepentant, “selfishly ambitious and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness, wrath and indignation.” That is frightening because I see myself mirrored all too clearly in this revelation. These are not people who are obviously sinners like those described in the previous chapter, but are people who are successful and confident and in positions of teaching others wisdom from “the Law”. Yet in the midst of all their religious piety and sincerity they are storing up wrath in themselves to be revealed in the day of revelation. I do not want to stay in this category.

What I am hearing here is that negative thinking and speaking is not the focus of those others described in this passage, but they are ones who are lead to repentance by the kindness of God. They do not think lightly of the “riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience. They persevere in doing good; they seek for glory and honor and immortality and they receive eternal life (verses 4-7).

What I also see here is a parallel to verses 24,26 and 28 in chapter 1 where God “gives them over” to what they have chosen for themselves. In chapter 2 God is still giving people over to their insistent choices, both to tribulation and distress or to eternal life. Those who stay in stubbornness and look to other sources for life will be “given over” to the natural consequences of those choices. Just as true, those who pursue life, who seek the characteristics found in God and persevere in doing and seeking good will be “given over” to what they have chosen to pursue – eternal life in the presence of the Source of Life and joy.

God ultimately respects our choices in the end. But right now He is pulling out all the stops to try to get us to turn away from death-producing thinking and persevere after life and glory and honor. But God will not force our decision, “for there is no partiality with God.” (v. 11)

God, I hear you this morning. You are talking to my weakness and years of ingrained habits of negative thinking and speaking. But I choose to persevere anyway after You. I believe in your power to transform me into a new thinker who seeks after glory and honor and real life that is forever. I ask you to make me a well of living water overflowing with life and blessing and magnetic hope instead of a source of fear, discouragement and censure. I cannot change myself, God. So I ask you publicly here to do your thing in me, to make me an experiment of your grace, to make me an example of how you do the impossibles. I trust in the power of your word and in your faithfulness.

(next in series)